ex band members, you will hear the title of this post in a loud and screechy cover song version of the hit show theme song.
so, here i am on my break but it just doesn't feel like a break. and i think i need one. i am planning a mom's night away (hot tub? expensive nice dinner? shopping? some happy juice?), but before i send the email invite to my buddies i hear my son's voice cracking into a sob as he hears the news that,alas, he will have to spend one night without me, spending time with daddy who will spoil him with hours of screen time and bowls of ice cream. this is why i really need a break--these kids need me awfully bad. miles had a realization tonight--"daddy can read me a story, he's the same as you," but it didn't last long. i guess i should be honored to be so loved, but honestly IT IS DRIVING ME NUTS.
so, this is my break from work. we are letting the kids watch lots and lots of high quality animation, especially looney toons and maya's favorite, mr. magoo's christmas special. lots of sugar cookies and candy from the stash kim and kimm gave us. rich is predictably sick with a bad cold on his days off. i browse the cultural offerings in the morning, but it is daunting trying to find something that makes everyone happy. miles would like to check out the museum of the african diaspora, but maya isn't there yet. maya would like to see some animals at the zoo but miles only wants to ice skate there and my back hurts. so, we can play some playdough for 5 minutes, let the kids wrestle. watch the kids fight about something, visit with some other kids and their parents who also seem to need breaks, and then it is time for some more looney toons.
anyway, more rambling. after everyone was asleep tonight i took a steaming hot bath with some tired old ass soak (a gift from my california parents), and read a book, drank some wine and ate a piece of apple pie while bathing. now there's a break.
i'm not complaining, exactly. today was nice. sunny and clear and cool. peter and lisa came over to visit with baby kevin. we ate whole grain pancakes and peter let miles and maya wrestle him and lisa and i chit-chatted. we went to the park and rich and peter and miles played net-less tennis and miles skateboarded and julia joined us with her little boys. back to the house for chicken soup and more wrestling and fairyland play, and then maya took her nap while miles and rich watched daffy and bugs and porky pig. i took care of sheila's cat. took miles for some grocery shopping and then back home for smoothies and turkey burgers, 5 readings of pop up cinderella, some fighting about mommy reading stories, and then the tired old ass soak with pie.
time to start planning the getaway!! i can do it, i will, i will. kids, you will survive without me for one night and i promise i will miss you, and return.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
gifts
well dear readers it has been a while. so, since it is so vitally important that the minutiae of my life be chronicled, here is a list.
1. i saw a former co-worker who has been gravely ill with cancer for years. she showed up at a social gathering looking radiant and beautiful. i thought i would never see her again. she is better now. it was a gift.
2.miles had a peace assembly at his school on the last day before the break. kids singing and dancing and banging drums, very cute. i saw a commotion outside and slipped out the back door while my mom watched maya. two big kids were fighting, bigger than the kids at miles' school. another dad came out and handed me his baby. he grabbed the bigger kid and said "c'mere player"in a tough voice i had only heard on tv. he took the kid out of the playground and i handed him his little boy back. just a fight, i guess. some older siblings? i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. it really bothered me. the teachers who saw the fight looked so sad. of course i imagined a worse fight, miles being there. of course it scared me, my baby maybe not being safe.
3. i have been using some parenting techniques that make me seriously doubt my abilities--either the kids are becoming more challenging or i am in dire need of a break. just now i went on amazon and ordered siblings without rivalry, 1-2-3 magic, and how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. we will see
3.we had a christmas eve party last night. a wild band of 4 to 6-year-old boys quickly formed, running wild, flashing each other, chasing tough tinkerbell and belle in their costumes. at one point my son was lying under 4 kids all kissing him. when they let him free i could see trouble coming and when one of his friends approached him he shoved the friend full force back against the dresser. awful. but the rest of the party was good with new and old friends (30 plus), babies, live music, food, creamy drinks. a present of a wonderful family photo our friend took days before. ellie playing small world stuff with maya for hours. rye dancing to ccr.
4. my brother made me a dvd out of 29 old super 8 films my dad made, from around 68-74. he added music. my mom looking so young and beautiful, my dad so young and cool. on the beach, fishing off a rock at my grandparents in massachusetts. my grandparents sitting and watching the opening of christmas gifts, my grandma holding hands with a group of little girls in dresses playing games in our backyard. my tiny self, a baby coming home from the hospital, riding a pony my mom guides, opening bunny slippers, my tutu, beaming, beautiful. baby mike with his big cheeks and eyes, ripping paper off a shiny metal firetruck, full of baby joy.
5. and today christmas with the kids. the pile of gifts and the hopes the gifts will make them happy. they don't of course. by mid-day maya was saying "i want something else" and harrumphing and crossing her arms to show her disgust when the answer was no. miles made it through without a huge meltdown. the wind blew cold and my mom and david came with dungeness crabs. we ate it with julia's leftover pumpkin soup and drank the larkmead wine. all the expectations, coming down through the years, one generation to the next. it's condensed and heightened this time of year. and the changes, the family i had at birth breaking and stretching and changing. watching my kids feel what i felt as a kid. watching films of us as innocents. and feeling like a little kid as i open my gifts now and watch people open mine. talking to my dad on the phone far away, hoping he likes the recording of us singing christmas songs.
6. and grandma rae called me today from staten island. my poppop ben's wife, sick and alone and very old in her apartment. she is jewish, and i don't think her call was connected to christmas. miles answered the phone and then passed it to rich, and by the time i spoke to rae she was a little confused about who was who. she told me my mom had been sending her (paper version) of this blog, and had some very kind things to say about what i wrote, how i would feel differently years from now reading what i had written, and how in writing i could be more sensitive than in person. she talked a little about letters she had written with her husband, reading them later in life. i think she sensed the need of two little people inside for mommy to help--assemble, play, referee, because she got off the phone quickly.
she made me feel a little confused, too. but good.
here's to peace, as much as we can get and give.
1. i saw a former co-worker who has been gravely ill with cancer for years. she showed up at a social gathering looking radiant and beautiful. i thought i would never see her again. she is better now. it was a gift.
2.miles had a peace assembly at his school on the last day before the break. kids singing and dancing and banging drums, very cute. i saw a commotion outside and slipped out the back door while my mom watched maya. two big kids were fighting, bigger than the kids at miles' school. another dad came out and handed me his baby. he grabbed the bigger kid and said "c'mere player"in a tough voice i had only heard on tv. he took the kid out of the playground and i handed him his little boy back. just a fight, i guess. some older siblings? i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. it really bothered me. the teachers who saw the fight looked so sad. of course i imagined a worse fight, miles being there. of course it scared me, my baby maybe not being safe.
3. i have been using some parenting techniques that make me seriously doubt my abilities--either the kids are becoming more challenging or i am in dire need of a break. just now i went on amazon and ordered siblings without rivalry, 1-2-3 magic, and how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. we will see
3.we had a christmas eve party last night. a wild band of 4 to 6-year-old boys quickly formed, running wild, flashing each other, chasing tough tinkerbell and belle in their costumes. at one point my son was lying under 4 kids all kissing him. when they let him free i could see trouble coming and when one of his friends approached him he shoved the friend full force back against the dresser. awful. but the rest of the party was good with new and old friends (30 plus), babies, live music, food, creamy drinks. a present of a wonderful family photo our friend took days before. ellie playing small world stuff with maya for hours. rye dancing to ccr.
4. my brother made me a dvd out of 29 old super 8 films my dad made, from around 68-74. he added music. my mom looking so young and beautiful, my dad so young and cool. on the beach, fishing off a rock at my grandparents in massachusetts. my grandparents sitting and watching the opening of christmas gifts, my grandma holding hands with a group of little girls in dresses playing games in our backyard. my tiny self, a baby coming home from the hospital, riding a pony my mom guides, opening bunny slippers, my tutu, beaming, beautiful. baby mike with his big cheeks and eyes, ripping paper off a shiny metal firetruck, full of baby joy.
5. and today christmas with the kids. the pile of gifts and the hopes the gifts will make them happy. they don't of course. by mid-day maya was saying "i want something else" and harrumphing and crossing her arms to show her disgust when the answer was no. miles made it through without a huge meltdown. the wind blew cold and my mom and david came with dungeness crabs. we ate it with julia's leftover pumpkin soup and drank the larkmead wine. all the expectations, coming down through the years, one generation to the next. it's condensed and heightened this time of year. and the changes, the family i had at birth breaking and stretching and changing. watching my kids feel what i felt as a kid. watching films of us as innocents. and feeling like a little kid as i open my gifts now and watch people open mine. talking to my dad on the phone far away, hoping he likes the recording of us singing christmas songs.
6. and grandma rae called me today from staten island. my poppop ben's wife, sick and alone and very old in her apartment. she is jewish, and i don't think her call was connected to christmas. miles answered the phone and then passed it to rich, and by the time i spoke to rae she was a little confused about who was who. she told me my mom had been sending her (paper version) of this blog, and had some very kind things to say about what i wrote, how i would feel differently years from now reading what i had written, and how in writing i could be more sensitive than in person. she talked a little about letters she had written with her husband, reading them later in life. i think she sensed the need of two little people inside for mommy to help--assemble, play, referee, because she got off the phone quickly.
she made me feel a little confused, too. but good.
here's to peace, as much as we can get and give.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
what maya told me
i'll try to get this straight: when it tomorrow i be the mommy and you be the baby. and i wear your clothes. and next you be a big girl. (will you drive my car?) tomorrow i drive your car. (will you take care of me?) yes. i think that a great idea. tomorrow, not yet.
this is maya in her small world (as the british say), and miles at the skate park.
living with kids sometimes seems all about the moment but when i step back a lot of what goes on in our lives seems about the past or the future.
definitely not getting enough sleep lately.
xo
Sunday, December 7, 2008
wotta weekend
julia came over friday with her little boys. as they were trashing our house and eating frozen pizza rich offered to put all four kids to bed if we wanted to go out for a while. ummm....yes. bye! miles had a little meltdown about not wanting to let me go but we worked it out and then julia and i were out on the town. we walked up 24th st sipping some espresso from sugarlump and checked in to virginia howell, peeked in to the studio de la raza. we made it to argus where shannon was celebrating her birthday and then somehow were drinking lots of horribly named drinks (mostly jon benet ramseys--vanilla stoli, ginger ale,crushed cherry). at first i wondered what we were going to talk about and imagined an early night but soon the talk was flowing with our friends who showed up, ethical treatment of pets, tips on cool world music artists, the lowdown on relationships, bad jokes. when we returned many hours later edison and miles were in the top bunk and maya, calvin, and rich in the bottom. in the morning i was sick as a dog while the four kids puttered around playing hot wheels and eating cereal. success!
the rest of the weekend was the usual bday parties. it's out of control. but the balance felt a little better. mommy got a night out. it was kind of fun to be the mom with a hangover at douglas playground as the kids climbed steep rocks, maya planted the orchid party favors in the sand, and the air was clean and fresh and green, sunny. we drove home through the mission and saw some aztec indian dancers on 24th street. today another party, at the exploratorium, and then tonight we recorded the kids singing some christmas songs while they were captive in the bathtub. now it is sunday night and i have a lot of work to do. booo.
does anyone really care about this? probably not. guess i got the gene from my mom's side, where my great-grandfather chronicled every day in his life, the weather, the events. it's okay to be writing this boring stuff sometimes because what i am really doing, in this wierd world where sometimes facebook is the only communication i have with a friend, is saying hello to you.
hello. wish you were here telling me about your weekend. or better yet you had shared it with me.
the rest of the weekend was the usual bday parties. it's out of control. but the balance felt a little better. mommy got a night out. it was kind of fun to be the mom with a hangover at douglas playground as the kids climbed steep rocks, maya planted the orchid party favors in the sand, and the air was clean and fresh and green, sunny. we drove home through the mission and saw some aztec indian dancers on 24th street. today another party, at the exploratorium, and then tonight we recorded the kids singing some christmas songs while they were captive in the bathtub. now it is sunday night and i have a lot of work to do. booo.
does anyone really care about this? probably not. guess i got the gene from my mom's side, where my great-grandfather chronicled every day in his life, the weather, the events. it's okay to be writing this boring stuff sometimes because what i am really doing, in this wierd world where sometimes facebook is the only communication i have with a friend, is saying hello to you.
hello. wish you were here telling me about your weekend. or better yet you had shared it with me.
Friday, December 5, 2008
human stimuli
i try not to worry about my son when i pick him up each day from his afterschool program and he is just watching the other kids. it seems impossible that he doesn't want to be one of the busy humming little people, digging sand, chasing, moving plastic furniture around, pretending to set up stores and jails and castles. he likes them, he says, he just doesn't want to play with them. it has been 4 months and i guess this is something i should accept for now. he doesn't want to join a soccer team and be one of a crowd of ball-kickers on a field, doesn't want to join the group of kids at school reading "books for breakfast."
no, my kid is hopelessly chatty and social at home, demanding our attention every moment, but in the big world he is, for now, a careful observer, doing his own thing on the monkey bars, watching, watching. there are so many reasons why this might be, but if i can stop worrying then it is very cool. to be a person who loves people, but who can be happy just watching them. a writer, maybe a scientist? and it seems like the city is a good place to be this way, a place where there are thousands of amazing people everywhere we look. the yelling man around the corner, the skateboarders, little lily in her shop, the big kids around him riding bikes in the street, people speaking chinese, french, spanish, the musicians we know playing songs they wrote, our friends the bartenders and van drivers, the salsa musicians in union square, the glass blower at the gallery, the people playing basketball and tennis at the park, the kids with two mommies, the big kids playing kickball. even the homeless folks surviving on the street. kids who are tiny yet walk themselves to school. lots to see. lots of time to choose who to join up with. no hurry.
no hurry at all.
no, my kid is hopelessly chatty and social at home, demanding our attention every moment, but in the big world he is, for now, a careful observer, doing his own thing on the monkey bars, watching, watching. there are so many reasons why this might be, but if i can stop worrying then it is very cool. to be a person who loves people, but who can be happy just watching them. a writer, maybe a scientist? and it seems like the city is a good place to be this way, a place where there are thousands of amazing people everywhere we look. the yelling man around the corner, the skateboarders, little lily in her shop, the big kids around him riding bikes in the street, people speaking chinese, french, spanish, the musicians we know playing songs they wrote, our friends the bartenders and van drivers, the salsa musicians in union square, the glass blower at the gallery, the people playing basketball and tennis at the park, the kids with two mommies, the big kids playing kickball. even the homeless folks surviving on the street. kids who are tiny yet walk themselves to school. lots to see. lots of time to choose who to join up with. no hurry.
no hurry at all.
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