oh, the bridge again

i thought a little more and the other BIG contributing factor to my bridge panic was seeing all the media coverage of the bridge that collapsed down south. anyone else out there extremely susceptible to these powerful images?


i really avoid the television news as much as i can. when you start to avoid it, and then tune in, you can see how bad it is for your brain. or at least my brain.

bye

living with dilophosaurus

miles suggested we have a big party for everyone in san francisco, no, everyone in the world, and we could all hug each other the whole time.

is this the same kid who is driving me nuts yelling inside like someone with tourettes, pulling my clothes and pushing me from behind as he runs down the hall, and grabbing from and knocking over his little sister? not to mention many many scatological jokes and fits, fits, fits, about seemingly nothing...

my son competes with his baby sister about things like...is my cough louder than maya's? they still have shoving matches about who gets to sit on my fabulous lap.

he tells me he follows all the rules at school because the teachers tell them what to do and not do, a lot.

i feel that i tell him what to do and not do, a lot. a whole lot.

tonight miles told me that he tries to remember to be nice to me all the time, but sometimes he just forgets. i could see his little brain churning as he told me this. he also tells me he doesn't want to go to school because he wants to be with me all the time because he loves me so much.

hopefully things will calm down around here soon. right now it feels pretty wild. but of course i love my little dilophosaurus more than any boy in the world.

link

hopper's hands

there is an article about this guy online

link

very touching, i don't love that word but it fits

hoppers hands

well, i finally had a panic attack on a bridge. not a complete shock, but a really crappy thing to happen. driving the kids to meet my mom at the bay area discovery museum i glimpsed the gg bridge from far below. i had a moment of unusual fear as i saw that stick of road stretching out high above the water. i should have pulled over. but i am tired of fears and phobias and tried to just power through. as i drove onto the bridge i saw that there were only two lanes going north, which forced me to break my usual bridge thing, which is to drive in the middle lane. my heart started feeling wierd. i started breathing wierd. feeling dizzy. hands and feet disconnected. i put on my hazards and started to slow down. versions of this had happened before. but i really couldn't drive, and i was WAY UP HIGH ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. i stopped the car. i started talking to myself ( miles didn't realize this) "i can't drive, i'm having a panic attack." i started crying. a very very kind fatherly iron worker climbed out from under the bridge and made eye contact with me. he motioned about a tow truck, it was going to be ok, and i tried to communicate with him that the car was ok, it was me, he could drive my car over the bridge. by then a very nice police/security/patrol woman of some sort was beside me. i was trying not to cry. a tow truck was in front. she was talking about us getting out of the car and pushing my car over the bridge. or a tow truck pulling it. all i can say is that i didn't feel too great and was not happy with these options and just kept insisting tearfully that someone get in the car with me and drive over the bridge. there was no personnel. finally the iron worker offered to drive, which was a big relief. he drove and said soothing things about how his sister in law couldn't drive on bridges, how natural the fear was, how he saw dogs that were terrified. as he dropped me off he suggested i google hoppers hands. i was a little out of it but i thought he said something about his website or something like that. as soon as we were across i was fine. disgusted and frustrated with myself and feeling very fragile, but fine to drive. we had a nice time at the museum with my mom. then she had to drive me across and get a ride (with the same nice patrol woman, who had many ideas about bridge panic attacks) back to her car at the museum.

so, possible precipitating factors:
-a lot of snippets of earthquake news and conversation lately
-rich mentioning the words bridge and dangerous when i told him yesterday about our marin meeting plan, possible bad weather, him knowing my anxiety level
-a lot of (good, but tough) emotion being unearthed in my wonderful creative writing class
-the unfamiliar lane situation
-the familiar tiredness
-the high anxiety about kindergarten search
-who knows?

all i know is that this stinks for me. i feel like my world is getting smaller. the bay area isn't the greatest place in some ways for someone with fears of heights, bridges, cliffs. i felt so relieved to be back in the city where the ground is solid underneath our wheels. but the earthquake fear is there somewhere too.

anyway, i looked up hoppers hands and i'm not 100% sure but i guess the bridge iron worker who took care of me and was so kind is some kind of local hero--an iron worker who is also a suicide prevention counselor for the bridge

thank you to hopper, the patrol lady, and of course, my mom

still wild at heart

friday was a long day, but we made it to friday night and i took miles out for some culture in bernal heights. it was cold enough for puffy jackets, and quite dark when we left at 6. christmas trees are in many of our neighbor's windows, inspiring a little greed and anxiety in my offspring. we get to red hill books early for the free screening of still wild at heart, a film made about wild animals living in the urban landscape of sf. i saw a flyer in the bookstore earlier in the week, while killing a little time waiting for miles' parents conference at the coffee store.

chairs are scattered around in front of a big projector and a little group is setting up for some live music. a guy with a mandolin, and two women, guitar and violin. they play what to me is amazing bluegrass. very tradtional and old-timey and fast. i think miles is going to whine but he is kind of tired and goes into a trance with me watching the crazy expressions on the violinist's face. they say they are big fans of the coyote in the movie. soon the place fills up, big kids, the old waitress from st francis, and then i spot my old roomate andy, who is still totally himself, and makes some protective comments loudly when the old woman behind is critical of my moving my seat side to side in front of her (miles kept moving) and when people whined about the projector stopping several times ("if you go see a free movie in a bookstore, you might have to adjust your chair a little bit", "if you don't like it, just buy the dvd and watch it at home"). the movie is pretty amazing, about coyotes traversing the streets of san francisco, and even the golden gate bridge, in their efforts to have genetically healthy babies. quail scooting from the presidio to gg park on their tiny little legs, a deer running across the bridge. it was about how wildlife is slowly coming into urban places and though the movie didn't come out and say it, how we are more accepting and encouraging of these creatures as we are seeing our own place in the world as more fragile now then ever, and can appreciate coyotes instead of just shooting them.

don't feed wild creatures!!!

a bear came right down to the north side of the gg bridge and ended up on mt tam.

right now i am tired out after another marathon birthday party, complete with moonsand, sculpey projects (wasn't long ago i was playing with sculpey with no kids around at all), make a plate, lots of gifts, a heavy duty pinata, backyard bouncer, professional storyteller, and some post-party thai food and cupcakes. there was much kindergarten talk but i tried to avoid it mostly, as the whole subject is making more anxious than ever. most of the kids there were from ella's preschool and many were writing sentences which i found amazing.

looking around our living roomi remember way back to this morning and recall maya waking me at 5, insisting it was time to be up for the day and repeatedly trying to sneak out of bed to turn on the tv, some serious tickle fighting, some real family fighting, trying to talk to cassie through a chaotic 30 minutes (can't my family give me half an hour with my long distance friend i dreamed about returning to sf last night?) replanting the lemon tree out back, hauling all the xmas decorations out (miles' request) and setting up our little walgreens tree, the advent calendar, and the lovely and large walgreens christmas light train. ho ho ho. maya has somehow broken our stereo. this place needs some major cleaning. we are making it through for now, day by day, minute by minute, and tonight my back hurts and it is time to go night night.

sky things

we have been seeing amazing things in the sky. yesterday a huge rainbow driving maya to kika's at 7:30, maya's first. she was very impressed. today what looked to me like an eagle, gliding in huge circles over bernal heights. i saw him several times as i drove, above the highway, over crescent street, then by glen park. after picking up kids after work we stopped by holly park. we took some secret paths up and over and around. saw eucalyptus trees and figured out how many koalas they would feed. miles found a broken pine cone we brought home to make christmasy. wouldn't it be great, he asked, if there were kids all over here and they were one school and nobody else could come in? we walked by an awesome group of pre-teen girls ferociously playing soccer on the old tennis court. it was getting dusky. maya's little hands cold as she tried to close miles and herself into the fenced off bbq area. lee and miles and kay played rough and ran fast and yelled poopy head into the evening openness. from holly park you can see a lot of the bay. boats, said maya. see brudda? moon. stars.

bryant elementary--hating my thoughts

i was strolling with maya and on a whim stopped by bryant elementary, 4 blocks away. 3 long-haired chatty girls were in trouble in the office and came climbing over their little chair desks to play with maya. a woman came and asked me what i needed. turned out she was the erf (educational reform facilitator) for the school. even though this was not their tour time, i had not called, and i had a baby in a stroller, she went ahead and gave me a personal guided tour of the school. it is a fairly modern building, but with nice big rooms, high ceilings and windows. art all over. each grade has a spanish bilingual and an eld class. they are a star school, so there is some extra time on language arts to boost test scores (which are low). they have an inclusion program. we went around walking into each classroom and were mostly greeted by polite teacher smiles and some very friendly students. they have class-size reduction and grade-level meetings. i didn't get the details but in the brochure it said the kids had music, dance, and art every week. the outside is big enough, with a new play structure. the k kids have a separate area with little bikes and stuff they share with the child development center. there is a little garden out front. a nice big library. the boys and girls club after school.

so, i was surprised by the nice vibe at bryant, which always looked a little rough to me somehow. most of the teachers looked pretty good, and except for one slightly zooey class the kids looked pretty well-behaved.

so, could miles be okay at bryant? would it matter that he was the sole caucasian kid in his school? would he be getting what he needed in the english language development class? this is actually a pretty valid question, i think. the erf person said they were doing levelling (differentiated instruction, i think), even in kindergarten.

the race issue is starting to really be highlighted for me in this schools search. i wish it weren't. but it is. i have to admit having some racist thoughts. i suck. like assuming most of these latino kids will have different values and interests than our family. that miles will be hanging out with the kids at the park who are great, but who eat a lot of junky food and have a lot of clothes with tv characters on them. hanging out with kids who play with toy guns and watch a lot of tv.

this is making me angry with myself. it really really really really is.

maya and i strolled home. so, i want to send miles to a school that is diverse. and live in a place where there is diversity. but at the same time i want him to be with people similar to us. a little different of course, but mostly the same.

what is the real reason to seek out diversity? so that kids can see and appreciate (or not) and learn from other cultures? i guess yes. then why am i scared of a sweet little school like bryant elementary? it's not the low test scores...

crissy field and farallones marine sanctuary

visited crissy fields today and discovered the farallones marine sanctuary museum
where we compared shark and whale teeth, played with some turtle and sea lion skulls, watched fish and crabs putter around an aquarium tank, touched bayleen, bought a dagoda chocolate bar without miles seeing. maya got very shy and embarrassed when several adults laughed hard after she mistook another man's leg for her daddy's and was hugging it for a few minutes, then staring at rich's face for about 30 seconds before it all came clear. we learned about how bad the oil spill was for the bay and then played on the beach for a while, making dinosaur houses out of driftwood, burying feet, finding a shrimp, sneakily eating the chocolate bar, and enjoying the scenery. later by the warming hut miles helped maya up the big grassy hill in a rare moment of big brotherliness, and i broke my rule and ate a happy til he died beef hotdog.

i am spending too much time with my computer. i am missing friends lately, their faces, laughs, voices, houses, company.

no fits today!

ahhhh. this was the first day in many many when miles did not have a sad and/or angry tantrum (i tell miles they are "fits", don't ask me why. did someone call them fits when i used to have 'em?). we spent thanksgiving with the cronans and their motley crue: emily's middle school friend who moved here from china last year and her dad. this girl was, as david described her, "a beam of sunlight", and gave me hope for the future. her dad spoke no english and brought some mean homeade potstickers and was sweet enough to entertain miles by putting stuffed animals' heads into a pop-up shark book for a good 45 minutes. david's mom debbie was there with her theater voice and her amazing cooking skills (brined turkey, sweet potatoes au gratin). dean, who is a cool music and art kind of guy and who brought some specialty cheese and sauerkraut (he is some kind of cheese merchant), emily, dressed to match her new american doll , and rebecca, supplying delicious pillsbury biscuits, her green bean specialty, charades, and homeade crabcakes. well, i probably got who cooked what wrong, but i do know it was fun, miles and maya were perfectly behaved which was fortunate as NEITHER RICH AND I SLEPT THE NIGHT BEFORE (see postscript if you care to know why). we ended up taking an after pie-gorge stroll in the cool night air to get milk on irving street. miles and emily told a very long string of inane knock knock jokes (knock knock, who's there, feet, feet who, feet in your meat, face, hahahahah), maya pointed out the moon as jiaweh pushed her stroller and sang merrily,and rebecca and i reminisced a little about a thanksgiving at cassie's years ago when there was a post-meal soccer game in dolores park and tedd played and was good but had trouble with his red leather pants. tedd (and cassie) you are loved and missed.

today we went to the water park briefly and saw little seamus from around the block. he has a fifth grade brother and i had a very calming (this calm will also be brief i'm sure) talk about the schools with his parents. then seamus tried to smack maya with a water bottle and we departed. miles did not tantrum about not getting a little toy. he did not tantrum when i said i couldn't carry him up the steps. he drew calmly until jonah arrived. they jumped, made loud noises, played a turn-taking game for 30 seconds, drew lots more pictures (i'm starting to worry about how much paper we are going through), and hugged and kissed goodbye. maya kept hugging me all day, wrapping her arms around my neck and staring into my eyes, smiling "hello mommy". during maya's nap we played regressive trains but there was no bickering. miles wanted to look at his baby book and we made up hilarious comments for each photo such as "um, is anyone gonna change my diaper?" it was good to hear my little boy laughing so hard and then not getting mad and throwing toys around 10 minutes later. later we played full-on miles is a baby for THREE HOURS. maya got into it too, and for an afternoon i had a gigantic baby named miles who could not crawl, had a big sister who liked to give him bottles, looked at crib toys in his pretend crib, wanted to be patted and burped, and ate dinner in a high chair. this may sound very wacky but i think it was therapeutic as there were, let's say it again NO FITS all day!! thank you thank you thank you.

p.s. rich is out at the show, rocking. i am at home anxiously reading confusing research about dual immersion. maya wakes up around 12. it takes me a long time to get her to sleep. just as she drifts off a little moon face appears beside me in the dark. miles is up. i get him in his bed but he wants me to lie on the trundle as he tries to fall asleep. it seems to be taking a long time. then, dunt dunt duhhhhh,maya toddles in. hello mommy. hello brother. she climbs in next to me and all is quiet and i am amazed. then i hear wierd breathing from miles' bed. i'm hoping it is sleepy breathing but know i am wrong. it is i'm gonna have a fit breathing. he just doesn't want maya in there. he doesn't want to be alone while i put her back to sleep. he starts throwing all his stuffed animals around. i take maya into the living room where she starts playing (it's now about 2:45). when i leave he breaks into heartbreaking wails. oh brother. finally things quiet down and i talk to miles and he is trying to be reasonable but very stressed out so i let him play starfall
on the laptop in bed. now maya takes forever to fall asleep after all the excitement she has just witnessed. as the blurry digital numbers on the dresser slip by i assume miles has conked out in front of his abc game. finally rich returns as maya goes down. it is 3:45. miles is still playing on starfall. he falls asleep by around 4:30. my adrenalin is flowing. maya starts crying and rich holds her off until 5:30 when she wakes up for the day...........................
no rest for the wicked

love, me

downhill writing

i just read some of the posts from the early months of this blog and they are much better written. full of showing not telling as every writing fan would say. so, what happens to a brain that makes it write worse? early dementia? perhaps. probably stress and obsessive thinking. this blog was supposed to be about our life in the city. but kindergarten is all i can think about right now. please stick with me, friends and family. i will get out of this rut soon.

it is thanksgiving eve. rich is out at the eagle tavern.
check out the website. no, things are not so bad that he is out cruising for gay sex--his band in playing there tonight. i would like to be there but couldn't find a babysitter. he is out laughing with his buddies, and my buddies too. drinking a whiskey drink with kim and andy and carl and mike and christa and maybe even hugh in a wheelchair. i am home making an apple pie and surfing the net for articles about spanish immersion. tomorrow is thanksgiving. there are homeless people just blocks from here, freezing under and beside the freeway. cars flow through on their way to see people in and out of town. is our friend out there sleeping in the cold dark with his shaggy beard? maybe tomorow i will take the kids around our neighborhood as rich snores off his hangover (if i am feeling generous--to rich) and we will give away some food. we have more than we need. there is a big big world out there, just walking distance from the little space we live in.

maya and the new tree house, moody m

that's a fake mad look for the camera...


treehouse was supposed to be a holiday gift but i have trouble waiting...

can't see clearly right now

went out last night to a hip rooftop restaurant for a sweet birthday celebration, twinkly views of the city and bay and bridges, heat lamps, pomegranete mojitos, and some nice get to know you talk with some cool ladies.i found myself talking a lot about the old subject of my urban tribe/community dispersing and how my best friend got away. but with some kind of new distance from these losses--like there was possibility for good new things in the future if we stick it out here.

then today i was oh so way too easily pulled into a depression. there must be hormones involved. we had a short afterschool playdate with a friend and of course schools came up. my friend used the words sacrifice, prison, and bullying in relation to her public school experience and this 5 minutes or so of talk sent all my fragile and new decisions about staying here and sending the kids to sfusd tumbling downhill. so, let's look at things. out of our big gang of friends who had babies here in sf so far two are still here, about 7 left, and of my newish friends who actually are planning to stay here it is starting to sound like most are sending their kids to private school. as another friend said, if we are staying in the city because we like it and know it's not the best for the kids, then the least we can do is to send them to private school.

am i just a delusional dummy? are all my friends in east bay, up north, in the midwest, scraping up funds for private school, wrong? i can tell you, i love my little ones more than anything in the world, and i just want them to have good and happy lives. right now i feel like crying. rich and i are just getting by, and now i'm feeling like maybe we are screwing our kids over. it isn't helping that miles is in a phase where he is so uneasy about who he is, how to deal with his world as he grows up in it. i just can't seem to see clearly about this. i need better vision so i can do right by my children. i want to know what is best for them.

miles has pennied to sleep in his new trundle bed. he cried again when i dropped him at school this morning, burying his head under my shirt. he seemed ok later, but a little loud and frantic. he has rediscovered a satin baby blanket that his grandparents gave him at his birth, and for the first time is treasuring it, bringing it to school, cuddling it to sleep. he is cuddling his babyhood. maya is coughing a little on the monitor, probably dreaming of my gym, elmo, baby beluga in the deep blue sea. rich has departed for his cover band practice. i am waiting for things to clear up. i need them to.

moscone, flynn, buena vista,bll bll bll

ahh, a saturday without much tantrumming and opposition. it has been really rough lately, with maya sick and miles regressing and worrying about getting older and not knowing how to deal with his feelings. i remember my own angst about getting older and becoming a grownup. miles wants to be a kid forever and i don't blame him.

but today was good, with enzo the musician and 2 park visits and feeling like i really have a community. let me tally up the acquaintances to feel less lonely...at enzo we are greeted by little phoebe from miles' school who is all over us like a really cute little ponytailed puppy dog. and on the sidewalk is our poor neighbor who is supervising her daughter's rather intense freakout by chloe's closet. we stop at the cortland street park and end up spending 2 hours there. there is jake and family, all connected to the creative arts charter school. jake can whistle now. i meet a woman who is studying to be a slp at state and we discuss kindergartens, what a surprise. miles becomes close enough with a little boy that they are affectionately calling each other poopy head before we leave. then later we go to parque unidos. walking there we bump into an artist and mom friend, kelly, with her daughter mika. then we see the mother of the tantrumming girl again--i am envious as the dad has taken the daughter away camping and she has the whole house 2 herself for 2 days. at the park there is our downstairs' neighbors italian friend and her cute little dog stella. and a friend from our music together class. miles makes another buddy, mateo, who just wants to get his hands on our football, really. he is about 8 and damn good.

so, these are the people in our neighborhood.


3 more school tours this week. i'm getting real tired of school tours. i guess some people do 15 or more, yikes!!

moscone. this is a very academically rigorous school walking distance from us. they have a chinese bilingual, spanish bilingual, and english language development k,1, and 2, and then in 3rd and up they combine strands. the school has very high test scores and the highest (by far, i think) for latino kids, which i like. not that i care that much about test scores for miles, but that they are closing the creepy achievement gap for the latino kids. the building is new and clean, with a big open courtyard and plants and trees here and there. the teacher turnover is extremely low. the kindergarten teacher i heard was not so great is leaving. when we arrived the kinder english class and the 1st grade spanish bilingual class were having their dance/movement class together in a huge auditorium and seemed to be having a lot of fun. the principal led all 7 of us around on the tour and seemed to know most of the kids and got big smiles from them. they have an art teacher. the mood and feel are hard to explain. very calm and mellow and focused. no raised voices but i didn't sense a huge amount of excitement from the kids either. they did seem engaged and happy. the principal said they work the kids hard but then reward them.

at the end of the tour this wacky (white) guy said "i don't want to sound racist, but is this white flight or what? where are all the white kids?" extremely tactless in front of the spanish speaking people on the tour, but good question. there were a very few caucasian faces at moscone...SO. if there were more people who looked like me at this school would i be more inclined to send miles there? probably yes. i am not writing off this school but i realized this is important for me. miles would probably be fine as the minority in his class. but i think part of this whole school search is that i want a school we can all feel involved with, as a community. it is sad but true that i have lived here for 12 years and have not become friends with any of our latino neighbors. friendly maybe, but not friends.

this would challenge us more than miles, probably, to become part of a community in which we were a definite minority. it is something to think about. oh, so much to think about!

we then saw 2, count em 2, schools with spanish immersion.

buena vista is the school two blocks away in which we vote and i always thought miles would go there, not knowing it was a hard to get into school with only spanish immersion and no attendance area. the tour group was big and unlike every other big tour, there was only one parent leader, which led to total confusion, we were basically a big loud herd wandering the narrow halls peeking in at classes and rapidly confiding our kindergarten thoughts to total strangers. there is a friendly, homey, artsy, slightly cramped feeling. there are lots of bits and pieces of arts, sports, music programs, but not quite enough money and space for things to go smoothly. there is a good before and after care program. it is 2 blocks away. it starts at 9:30. low test scores. my friend has done some computer related work there and says the teachers all seem good at keeping kids engaged and behaved. did i mention 2 blocks away and 9:30 start time?

do we want spanish immersion?

the next day i had to stay home from work because maya still had a fever and in order to speed her recovery i dragged her along on a tour of leonard flynn. this one is about 8 blocks away, on ceasar chavez and harrison. as this is another "school on the rise" a bunch of eager well-dressed parents were lined up to escort us around, using lots of adjectives like phenomenal, fantastic, wonderful, to describe the school and the teachers. it's a big building with extra space. bulletproof windows, there's a plus! the 2 k classes we peeked in on had kids sitting on the rug learning something in spanish, and all seemed pretty engaged, though for all i knew the little english speakers may have been daydreaming about recess. some art, some music. lots of pta and events to try and get things moving in the right direction. some of this "school on the rise" stuff seems a little wierd, as it really seems to mean there are more middle-class parents joining up, with energy and money and ideas. the school is in candidacy to become part of the ibo.org pyp program, which was somewhat cryptic to me, but is some kind of inquiry based learning program. the principal was nice and positive, but had some trouble answering the (surprisingly aggressive) questions of the crowd. flynn is ok. one thing i didn't think was so great was that the other half of each grade is not spanish immersion, and from what i saw was almost all african-american kids, which made the whole scene look pretty segregated.

so, we are slowly, slowly coming to some conclusions and realizations. one is that the schools we are most interested in may be ones many folks are interested in so we better put a few less popular choices on our application. i think these choices may be harvey milk, marshall, and mckinley, SO guess we better check them out too. NOOOOOOOOO. also realizing that proximity would be nice--this makes me want to do spanish immersion a little more. well, it makes me want buena vista a little more. greener too, right?? and also realizing that rooftop would be a pretty dumb gamble, and that we will have to sort all these schools and priorities out before we start listing them on an application.

this kindergarten stuff must be boring as h e double toothpick (to quote emily cronan) to those of you not in this wierd world, but it is helping my obsessive brain to get things written down.

miss you and will take a break from this kinder stuff for a while now.

carinos
jamie

thanks justine

my friend justine invited me to see spiritualized tonight at bimbos. i wasn't so sure, but it was a near perfect show. i didn't even feel old as there were many greying folks in the audience sitting at their candlelit tables, amongst the many inpsired hipsters. they played with three stringed instruments and 3 gospel singers, the 2 spiritualized guys facing each other playing keyboard and guitar, bringing me way back when with their songs about jesus, drugs, and love. the whole audience was listening and paying attention! my mind wandered to days on dallas avenue falling asleep to 200 bars over and over,my cool roomate chris making me spaceman 3 tapes covered with tiny handwriting, and blasting the sound of confusion as i drove to work at auclair school after a night of many adventures and about 30 minutes of sleep.

sad as it sounds kindergarten also popped into my head as i watched the show and i thought that we need to send miles to a school where art is important.

i thought about how great artists and musicians are not necessarily the ones with great talents but the ones who persist with their vision. made me think of all the musicians i have known and loved from delaware and out here too, and how much i miss being part of music. and how life has swept even the most talented away from their art.

made me want to fly cassie back here so we can start a cover band of all our old songs, rich can play guitar and kim the keyboard and we can be beautiful and inspiring like spiritualized just was.

well, maybe the jameson and coke is talking a little bit here. don't worry out there, justine brought me home safely in her prius.

and today was sunny, and therefore pretty much destined to be better than yesterday. a bright warm birthday for dear little jonah at douglas playground. who needs the suburbs? in a bouncer on a lawn surrounded byt the tree-covered canyon the boys jump jump jump for hours. then they moved on to an elaborate game that involved collecting hard objects in the woods and pushing them down the slide to make a huge splash in the mud puddle at the bottom. all barefoot. a homeade pinata and well-mannered kids waiting their turns to attack it. a noe valley bakery cake with jelly beans to decorate. who could ask for more? maya got to swing for a long long time, and peek a boo in a discarded plastic playhouse, and dig in the sand,and was very huggy. i tried my best to avoid kindergartenland conversation and did pretty well, even if i had to sit on a picnic bench by myself in the sun for a little while to do so, just watching my son with his little boy tribe and my daughter playing with her daddy rich.

lord it is midnight i'm in trouble tomorrow.

love,
j

rooftop

i went and checked out the fabled rooftop k-8 to see what all the hoopla was about. there was a large room full of people there on my day for my tour--and these tours take place weekly for almost 3 months!! the school is a little hike from my house. i will give the facts and opinions:
principal speaks--very inspiring again, funny and smart and obviously dedicated. the school is focused on every child becoming a good learner--being able to face and deal with challenges. definitely not a teach to the test school but one with very good test scores. they integrate art across the curriculum. there is art everywhere. mosaics, murals, sculptures, fabrics, paintings, photos. the k classes we saw were definitely the most diverse i have seen in the district. also the most engaged and happy little groups so far. there is a sensory motor room with balance beams, swings, obstacle courses, themes (it was undersea month, oh miles you shoulda been there swinging on the giant jellyfish, putting your hands through the holes in the coral reef). there is a weekly gardening class under a tent in a beautiful big garden. the school is on the side of a hill and surrounded by trees. it was one of the first alternative schools in the city--meaning kids could come from anywhere in sf, and it really does feel like a close and diverse community. sounds like almost all kids continue through middle school, and then go where they want to high school.

i LOVED THIS SCHOOL. i could totally see miles thriving in those cramped little rooms, and i wouldn't mind the drive. sheesh. i was starting to think more about just going for it with immersion, but now i want miles and maya to go to rooftop. i was actually wondering who i could bribe as i got in my car to go in. anyone out there know who to bribe?

get this--last year 800 families applied for about 50 spots. so the chances are slim of getting in.

why aren't there more school like this? seems like location is a big part--a school like sf community is just in too rotton a neighborhood to ever pull in enough parents with resources to feel this energetic and positive. why aren't the two schools in bernal, where there are plenty of affluent families, doing better/more popular?

i see leonard flynn next week so i'll get my first look at immersion. i am trying hard to feel comfortable with the idea but somehow am not, even with every parent i meet with a kid in immersion singing praises for how great it is. i'm just a suspicious lady. it seems to me that immersion programs are designed for kids to learn english. of course i would love for my kids to be bilingual but it's just hard for me to imagine being put into a school where i couldn't communicate. and i still haven't seen all the strong research i keep hearing about that shows how kids who go throught this exact type of program do well later. it is just elementary school. everyone says we can just supplement at home. why can't i just jump on the immersion bandwagon?

my friend from writing class told me the new thing kids say is that you are "doing too much" when you obsess/stress,etc.

i am definitely doing too much.

it has been kind of tough over here lately. almost a month of at least someone sick rattles the already fragile ecosystem that is 1107 potrero ave. we had a nice visit yesterday with miles' school buddy and his cool mom who didn't seem to notice that my kids are little wild freakies who make swamps in the back yard and then jump hard into the swamps ,and enjoy the air on their derrieres, and boss me around, or that my kitchen has not really been cleaned in several years. but
today was all about adult and child temper tantrums and needs not being met and rain. we did make some awesome homeade playdough (thank you kim) and rich took an epic journey through craigslist, san jose, 5 mattress stores and target so that we could finally give our son a bed that wasn't so small he falls out of it every night. my little guy doesn't want to grow up , and he looks oh so small right now sleeping with twilight turtle in the starry expanse of his new twin bed. there is a trundle below with a nice comfy mattress. we are ready for sleepovers now.

by the way, i guess where we should live, for now, is here.

sweet dreams.

tail factory

we are making a lot of tails lately. miles is doing some detailing on this marine iguana tail. and i've laid out a few of the tails from the collection--see if you can identify the animal.

only a year ago or so there was a lot of desperate need around here for more toys. mostly characters. THOMAS AND FRIENDS (if only we had known exactly how brain-damaging these annoying little trains with faces were). cars from the bleeping car movie representing various stereotypes. each type of construction truck known to boy.

and i won't deny we are still enabling miles by buying way too many stuffed animals. the kid is a serious collector. but recently he began asking for us to buy animals tails/costumes and i suggested we make some. i thought he would scoff at this but no. we rolled up a rag, applied some duct tape, used some sharpies and there you go-- a snow leopard tail to tuck in your pants or underwear. miles wears these tails to school, which is a whole other subject, but they have led to some new ideas on how he can get stuff he wants. mommy and daddy don't want to buy stuff. but they kind of like to make stuff. maybe not always. but it is a very satisfying way to make your kid happy, not spend money, and re-use. tonight as i pennied my son he asked me if we could make a structure out of cardboard boxes, by gluing them together. i thought this was a great idea. then he mentioned going to the hardware store to get some wood to build with and i realized he meant a life-size play structure, so i said it was too late to talk about it. but we are getting there.

beware, friends with kids, you may be getting some homeade tails for the holidays.

love,
jamie

creative arts charter

we went to the creative arts charter school fall festival today. our son's schoolmate's mom gave us a little personal tour. i have to say, i liked this school more than i was prepared to, especially after 2 co-workers told me it was "crazy" and they "hate this school". part of the reason i liked it was that we were told who miles would have for k and 1st, and he is a teacher that even my school-hating fellow speech therapists said was wonderful. i like how the school building is huge but the number of kids is small. there is a big parent room. a very cool looking music room with a drumset, piano, and lots of space. they have a dedicated art and music teacher and kids get art and music every week. the k and 1 rooms looked more developmentally right than a lot i've seen in the district, with lots of blocks, toys, dollhouses. i talked to lots of parents, as usual, while keeping tabs on my kids who were smacking the rat, tossing rings, decorating pumpkins, jumping the the jumpy castle, and eating some damn good fair food. most parents seemed quite happy, but some mentioned that several families had switched to claire lilenthal or clarendon (hmm, eenteresting). the parents as a whole looked like a fun, tatooed, fairly diverse group. the school does project based learning and doesn't use the curriculum the rest of the district does. test scores are not stellar. the school is in a pretty sketchy neighborhood. they have afterschool clubs and a little bit of before school care. 8:45-2:45 i think. a little far from us. they have a separate enrollment process so i thingk we will be applying and will see what unfolds...

i'm still feeling lost about schools. proximity seems to be emerging as more of a factor as i imagine leisurely walk to neighborhood schools with my kids. i do think miles would enjoy this school, though. and immersion is still confusing me. should we go for spanish? cool and hip creative school with less structure? high test scores? school with super solid middle class base AND decent test scores but not great diversity? BLL BLL BLL. can the school fairy just decide this for us? sometimes i wish i didn't have such a talent for seeing all sides of everything...

(image is miles trick or treating at our neighborhood liquor store)

day after day of the dead

i hope some of you made it to the day of the dead





procession and altars on friday night. these photos don't even come close to this incredible sensory and emotional experience. rich was was sick with the flu and i ventured out at bedtime with both kids because i wanted them to be with me. at 24th and bryant things were starting up, with a crowd gathering, and then things started happening on the four corners. intense native american (sadly i don't know who they are? aztec?) dancers with animal skulls and rattling beads and feathers all over their bodies danced and chanted. people started playing drums. skeleton people drifted by, danced, walked on stilts. the air is full of incense. a woman walks by with a box hanging around her neck, the top and front cut out. a candle burned in the bottom of the box, surrounded by photos of people (her parents?) on the sides. we see some friends. the kids are just quiet and taking things in. a marching band goes by with ghost dancers. ghost prisoners in chains. we enter the procession and walk slowly down the middle of bryant street. it is so beautiful at night with all the candles everywhere. maya waves and says hello through her pacifier to the people she sees watching from their steps and windows. eerie very ancient sounding bagpipe music floats by. a car-sized stand of indonesian drums comes soon after. there are people laughing and talking, most serious, most looking happy. a group goes by singing give peace a chance. a silly guy tries to crack a whip on his front porch and he hits himself accidentally and catches my eye and we laugh.

now we arrive at garfield park. there is a tree with altars all around and fruit hanging from strings. we see that another part of the park has candles and altars all around odd shapes on the ground and then realize the shapes are the americas. there is a lot of strange and beautiful art. miles notices a baby skeleton in a sculpture's belly. there are names on stones and paper and flowers all over. there is a pile of shoes with nametags. are these shoes of people who died? asks miles, very unexpectedly, and i say yes. by the shoes is a big maze of paper bags and people are walking through it with nametagged shoes, some ending by a fence covered with huge b and w photos. i overhear someone explain that the shoes are from immigrants who died trying to cross the border, and the bags represent their journey, and the fence the end of the journey. i don't quite understand and then hear someone say it is about the war, but nevertheless we walk through and tie a shoe on the fence.

this music and the mood and the candles are so uplifting. it is a gorgeous fall night in the mission. of course you think about people lost, and some strains of music might make a tear come, but it is a celebration. i'm sure it is something different for everyone. come next year if you can.

clarification and disclosure

to anyone who read the last post and didn't understand....we didn't really give miles' halloween candy to poor kids. we are the not grown up kids and we took the candy from miles and hid it and i will eat most of it when feeling needy.

who are these little people?

just returned from trick or treating. i have to say it's getting better each year. we went up 24th street and got candy from walgreen's, 2 liquor/party stores, the laundromat, the barber next to the park,world pioneer video, punjab, an unknown but good-smelling chinese restaurant, manivanh thai, two taquerias, a mysterious clothing store that materialized in the last 48 hours, and pop's bar (pictured above). sugarlump the ultra hip cafe was out of candy but very apologetic. there were a few cute little princesses and thomas the trains but mostly serious ghouls, grim reapers with blinking red eyes, dark witches, etc. we then returned down 23rd street which had tons of open gates and doors and decorations. the density of this area makes it easy to collect a lot of candy without walking too far. as we waited for one house to bring us candy and they never appeared a shy man appeared from the dark house next door mumbling trick or treat and pulled a dollar out of his wallet for miles. one guy was lowering a bucket of lollipops on a rope from his 2nd floor flat. million fishes had wierd stuff up like a giant stuffed flying cow and a tree with glowing purple leaves which had the kids wondering. one house had rainbow rave lights dancing on the sidewalk but no candy. my favorite house was a cool guy at the top of a steep steps carving a pumpkin while blasting danzig.

so tonight mother pumpkin will come and take all the candy miles didn't shove down his throat and leave him a toy, in this case a snow leopard. she is going a little far this year, in my opinion, but what can we do? then mother pumpkin , ahem,will distribute the candy to all the poor kids who didn't get to go trick or treating this year. our son is still such a little innocent and has no suspicions, only practical questions, like how will she know he is asleep, etc.

so i pretty much controlled myself around the throngs of kids and parents in our neighborhood tonight and only asked ONE parent where her kids went to school. they lived right by bryant so i assumed they went there but oops, they go to private school. and i saw one mom friend and she is in the kindergarten hunt and is looking only at spanish immersion for her 2 kids who are already bilingual.

there is a lot of cheap chocolate coursing through my veins so i better get working on my homework before i crash into ccandy dreams. more school stuff in a few days, i promise. i bet you can't wait.

day of the dead

we just got your drawing and we miss you, miss nina. here are you and miles in your baby love cuddling in a cool house up above stinson beach.



this friday is the day of the dead
procession and altars near our house. this is always an emotional event. it is dark and the air smells of strong incense and there are burning colored powders on the sidewalk on 24th street. the artists are all intent. one year we saw a vehicle from the underworld, a giant pedaled car driven by two huge skeletons, all metal with huge metal wheels and a twisting drill on the front, shooting fire. in garfield park people drift from altar to altar. pictures of little children with tiny toys and flowers and more incense. photos of aunts and grandmas and fathers and friends and even pets. little books and scribbled notes and treasures. a puppet show of skulls in bright clothing. skeletons dance by in stilts. it is strange and not menacing and moving so you should check it out.

this year i will think of my grandparents, j.h. rich's lost childhood friends, m.n. of p.o.d., chicken, daisy, and of course dear dear dear dear dear mr tedd.

a long email from a neighbor mom

my, aren't i feeling productive? maya is taking a nice long nap and i am cooking a big pot of lentil soup with produce from our farm (eatwell farms, that is). we carved a "really cute and spooooooooooooooky pumpkin" before 8 am this morning, with very little controversy aout whose pumpkin it really was. it's a grey, still, day. miles wore his puffy jacket to school. yesterday was sunny and warm, we played in albany for che che's 2nd birthday and then miles and maya and our little neighbor downstairs turned our backyard into a mudwallow, water throwing, plant drowning and spray running through and screaming parTAY that reached right into the homestretch of dinner and bedtime.

but enough of that. as i said last time, this blog will now be used for the official business of obsessively considering every angle of every school in sf unified.

here are the ones on my mind at the moment:

if we do immersion:
leonard flynn
marshall
alvarado
buena vista
fairmount

below is a LONG and helpful email about immersion and choosing schools from a neighbor mom of another boy names miles, whose son goes to leonard flynn:

HER WORDS:
The short and sweet is, I am very happy with Flynn, and immersion. The Kindergarten teachers are really great and work closely with each other (2 English and 2 Spanish). The kindergarteners all have recess and lunch together. The school has a lot of momentum which is great and I think always fun to be a poart of something that is on its way up. It was interesting to see in touring last year how some of the schools seem to be on the rise, some seem to be plateau-ing (my sense at Alvarado which I put 7th on my list) and others were dipping a bit. Sometimes that's due to Principal turnover which was my impression at both Alvarado and Buena Vista last year.

We were seeking Spanish Immersion and 5 of my 7 choices were SPI. We chose Flynn first because it was so close and because in interviewing parents (on their way to school past my house!) everyone seemed happy with the school. So we thought, we're going to do this! Support our neighborhood school and be involved! It appealed to me to be another middle class family to participate in an up and coming school because the reality of all public schools is that when middle class families send their kids there, they usually bring with them energy, money, organization etc which benefits ALL the kids there.

We also had Fairmount on our list which has a great set of extra programs and good principal leadership and strong PTA. Also a very nice library. Also on our list were Monroe, Alvarado and BV (and Harvey Milk and Rooftop).

The PTA at Flynn makes almost no money ($31,000 last year as compared to the $200,000 that Alvarado makes) but the PTA is active and growing. The fundraising is more challenging because the population of the school is quite poor. We are just not a school that can have fundraising auctions or gala dinners. On the other hand, as a poorer school we get more money from the district, and we are eligible for grants like the grant that chose Flynn for one of 10 new place structures in the State last May (part of Maria Shriver's CaliforniaVolunteer effort.) Flynn also has a great upgraded library/Media center which was christened in 2005 and will soon implement a $125,000 yard greening grant they were awarded. Lot of things are happening.

Here is the "enhanced listing" about Flynn on Great Schools.net http://www.greatschools.net/cgi-bin/ca/pqview/6366

Also attached is a piece one of the parents wrote last year. I would add to it that the Principal, Mr. Addcox is a very calm, elegant Latino man who I think sets great tone for the school, and is a great role model as well.

I bleive that the English program is just as good, but it seems scarier because the English only classes ar enot as diverse - meaning they are msotly Latino and black and I think the uncertainty about that can make white parents nervous. But what I am seeing is that in any given class there might be a problem kid or two, but that will be true in any class in the district. The reality is that the district in general has very few white kids and even schools with more caucasian kids, only have about 20-30 percent max. Our hope is that more middle class families of any race will choose Flynn because any time a school is chosen, it means the parents wanted their kids there and are maybe more invested in their child's education - which is good for any school.

Flynn is doing tours on Thursdays at 9:00. No appointment necessary. Just meet outside the office. Also there is a Kindergaretn Information night on Nov 29.

and more questions from me, and her answers in red...

yes, this is daunting. i find myself thinking about WAY too many variables. diversity, money,equity, safety, random bad kinder teachers I've seen, proximity to home, school hours, enrichment, and now...immersion. I did this too - had my spreadsheet, rated the things most important to me etc. If you use greatschools.net you can create a list of schools you are interested in and then sort them by many things: ethnic make up of a school, scores, size etc.
i just started considering it because i was afraid miles wouldn't like school if he couldn't understand what was happening. now I guess my questions are more along these lines...
do you think/have you read any research that english-speaking kids in this kind of program end up being fluent writers in english as well as spanish? i really want miles to be a fluent writer.

do you understand why this model works for kids who don't know spanish when historically kids who didn't speak english did poorly in english only instruction? i'm very confused about this, as i know the district created bilingual education for kids who came in with only chinese or spanish partly because many didn't succees when put in "english immersion". Here's what I think: The old model of just sticking an immigrant kid into school and expecting them to learn english as lessons are being taught may not have worked for these reasons: first, immersion is not for every child. There are Sp-speaking kids at Flynn who are in the Spanish immersion program where they will move slowly toward English, while learning the skills of kindergarten (reading, writing, early math) in theoir native language.

There are other SP-speaking kids who went directly into the all English classes (they are in Immersion themselves). I think this decision may be based solely on what's best for the kid. Whether the kid has an aptitude for language, what the priorities of the family are, whether they have any other variables (immaturity, inability to focus or whatever) that might hinder their success in immersion. Also the old model may not have addressed the fact that the kids didn't speak any of the language. In immersion, it's all about insuring they come to understand what's going on through repetition and pictures and acting it out. I see that Miles is learning Spanish exactly the same way he learned English - through attention to the repetition and putting the patterns of language together. "She used that word "pack" the other day when she put things in a lunchbox, now she used it while putting clothes in a suitcase." Make mental note.

One other thing is that (to grossly generalize) one of the primary problems that immigrant and lower economic status kids face is that in the early years they have not been read to or spoken to to the degree that middle class parents do. I read a fascinating study recently about how we can pour all the money we want to into education now to get poor kids up to speed, but the necessary building blocks of language and learning are laid in the early years of hearing many many different kinds of words, and that they many never really catch up because of the missed opportunity when they were little.

what happens after 5th grade? i'm assuming miles would be a fluent spanish speaker by then, but would he retain his great new language skills when he transitioned to a non-spanish academic setting, where he might or might not have spanish speaking peers? I heard, in touring many immersion schools last year, that children may not score as well as their non-immersion peers on English tests in the grammar school years. But that by 6th grade, and on up, they score above average in all language-related testing. I don't know if this is about native English speakers or if the statistics include all immersion kids who come from either English or Spanish backgrounds. I have not been concerned about Miles falling too far behind in English. I figure we will always be reading and speaking English using lots of big words. Also I think that there will be a huge pool of kids going into Jr High from Spanish immersion and that many more schools will have immersion level courses in Jr High. My hairdresser's daughter went through immersion at Alvarado, then had some immeriosn coursses at James Lick (in Noe Valley) and now is at Lowell, and completely fluent - worked last summer speaking all Spnish at her job.)

i, too, would love to be part of an up and coming neighborhood school but i really am nervous about immersion. people keep telling me they think it's great but don't seem to know many details about how the program affects kids academically, other than the fact that being bilingual is good for people's brains in general. From my own experience of learning languages (at different points, I studied French, Spanish and Italian) is that it really makesyour brain work hard to order things, and that there are many skills to be gained from the leanring of a language.

Honestly, I think if you have some interest in Miles learning another language you should try it. Then if it's not a good fit, transfer him out the next year or the next or the next. (It is MUCH easier to get into any elementary school in the district after the kindergarten year!) I thought: we'll try the neighborhood school and enjoy the benefits of it being close by and all. He'll learn some Spanish which will be good for his brain evenif he doesn't continue. And if in a couple years it doesn't seem like a good fit (I fear that a chasm will grown between Miles' abilities and those of his peers as they get older) that we can transfer to another school - immersion or otherwise.

The choosing of a school is ultimately so subjective. Some schools will speak to you more than others, and ultimately the program itself may not be the most important factor. Get a feel for the teachers, the environment, the play yard, the library, the way of life. Keep in mind your own sanity - you may love a school like Sherman on Union and Franklin but try to envision the twice daily round trip haul across town. Does that still make the school "ideal"? I loved Miraloma - liked it best of all the schools I saw, but didn't put it on my list as it was too far and too early. Just a lifestyle choice. I wasn't totally wowed by Flynn. I had some concerns that maybe they didn't have enough arts prgrams or whatever. But I liked that we could walk, that the school has momentum, and I oved the library and liked the pricipal. We did want him to learn Spanish so that was big. Would Miles do better at Miraloma than Flynn? I doubt it. As a Mom, would I? Doubt it!

wow, that's a lot. but i swear, that much thought about the schools is flowing through my brain approximately every 5 minutes, and it happens a lot late at night. like between 2 and 5 in the morning.

here are the non-immersion schools currently on my radar:

miraloma

sf community

moscone

grattan

rooftop

harvey milk?

alvarado?

mckinley?

creative arts charter school

oh, now maya is awakening. the soup is bubbling away. if anyone has anything to share about these schools or others, join in please!!

love

jamie

sfusd taking over blog

so, we have begun school tours. i have spent a lot of time already looking at schools online, talking with parents, etc. i've been trying to make some decisions this way and it just isn't working. every time i hear something good about a school or program i think we should go for that. and vice versa. so for the next 6 weeks or so i am going to try really hard to justr be open-minded and look at schools and see how i feel about them and their programs. i'm going to use this blog as a way to help myself sort out thoughts and would LOVE if anyone out there reading who is in the same place we are wants to comment. i'm not going to try and write a guide of the different schools but more describe my reactions to them. we will see what happens!!

yesterday was my first tour, at miraloma. definitely not close to home, but could easily be a stop on the way to work. the parents here are very proud, involved and excited. we had 2 parent tour guides who were fighting each other for the chance to talk about how happy they were. the school is in a nice area. it is big and clean. a nice garden. a computer lab and tech teacher. the pta raises more than 100,000 and there are lots of enrichment programs during and after school. the classes are a little smaller than average. i felt like i was in a middle to upper class crowd of prospective parents, many of whom were looking at both public and private. there were several questions about GATE and how advanced children were taught in the 4/5 class. as we looked at rooms the kids were quiet and it was orderly and calm. i didn't feel a lot of excitement from kids or teachers, but i am used to pre-k where the kids are jumping and running and forgetting to use indoor voices.

from what i could see the upper classes looked very diverse and the lower grades quite white.
why does this matter?

on my school tour today at sf community i asked the lead teacher why she thought it mattered. this school is also nice physically, with big rooms and high ceilings, a great outdoor space and garden, but in a neighborhood with glass on the sidewalk and even a blanket on the ground outside the adjacent boys and girls club that looked like someone slept on. the school serves about 50% neighorhood kids, some from bayview, some from bernal, some from the mission. i had spoken beforehand with 2 parents from parents for public schools who had kids there and they ahd spoken of the diversity of the kids but i guess after miraloma i was a little surprised to see all the black and brown faces. all this stuff is really deep, looking at schools bringing up issues of difference and sameness and equity and equality. each school is unique. sf community seems to have great teachers except for one overwhelmed looking kindergarten newbie who i'm sure will improve. they are a teacher led school. they have project based learning for half the year, which is found at only one other school in the district. this type of learning is very appealing to me. there is a little bit of art and music but i think we would mostly be doing that on our own. the majority of the kids at this school come from poor families and i don't see this school becoming a hot and popular place like miraloma, ever, because of the neighborhood. so there will be no super strong pta and less parent volunteers in the classroom, etc. anyway, the lead teacher's answer, about how diversity helps us learn about other people who are different from us,and how to negotiate and get along with these people, was so heartfelt i actually got a tear in my eye.

so i think i have seen 2 extremes so far in terms of the diversity/socioeconomic issues in the district. can i get over my own nervousness about being unable to connect and negotiate and understand people from another culture? i know my school experience was one of sameness, and then of desegregation in principle, but tracking and separation in reality.

also i have been thinking more about how it would be so much green and also more peaceful to send the kids to school nearby. so that has me thinking more about spanish immersion, because there are 2 schools with spanish immersion within walking distance.


here is a real quote. miles asked me this morning if the school i was going to see was a spanish kindergarten. we ended up in a little kindergarten discussion and i was telling him about how all the schools had different good things. some have art, some have sports, some have spanish, some have computers.

"some have money" he chimed in. really!! i guess he has been overhearing mroe than i thought. or he is smarter than i thought.

this is all pretty interesting so far, let's hope i don't have a nervous breakdown. i still think i would like to send miles to a progressive private school but i am not feeling the same anxiety about the city schools versus those renowned suburban public schools.

buh bye

a knight and 2 dragons, one pooping

ok, so i know i should be sleeping because i am getting quite loopy, but i just had to send this out, it makes me laugh.

i freakin LOVE this rebecca

rebecca sent me this website link. any san francisco parents out there please go to this website and read. send to friends. bye

l.a. schools guide

the magician

today there was a lot of talk about the magician we saw at the randall museum. thought i would include a link. magicians aren't exactly my thing but maybe they are yours. he made me laugh a lot.

here's the link

see, i really am a supergeek!!!

wierd guy in tree near million fishes

here is a wierd little guy we saw in a tree on 23rd stree near bryant. i suspect someone from million fishes
but who knows? he had a few friends. this little art collective puts cool stuff in their first floor storefront windows and always leave their doors open during the day. young friendly artsy people come in and out. before them a dogowner friend lived there, with Geo the one blue eyed dog. and before that long ago we heard the space was a winery, a french winery i won't attempt to spell, but which is now a ladida winery in sonoma.

i like how things out here keep changing, but simultaneously (literally--except for earthquakes i guess) stay still. i like how the liquor/party store on 24th street has the name of a now ghost italian market in beautiful inlaid marble cursive in front of their doorway.

so, i will take this opportunity to give a barebones outline of the possible origins of my where should we live confusion. i was born in new brunswick new jersey and moved at age about 3 weeks to the college town of newark delaware. here i lived in a suburban split level with lots of lawns and sidewalks and a walk to school, but also backed up to a little wild area, a forest behind a park, with a stream (well, maybe a storm sewer but we used it like a nice stream) where we built dams, collected frog eggs etc. age around 8 parents split. now we spend some time in an apartment building with a big common lawn area. then my mom moved to the country outside the town, to a 300 year-old house that backed up to a preserve, with big trees, a real creek with fish and eels, flying squirrels, deer, raccoons, foxes, squirrels. for about 10 years my brother and i split our weeks between the suburb and the country. college in the college town, seemingly safe but actually creating enough excitement that life was kind of dangerous. then on to philadelphia, with friends in warehouses and bands everywhere and a lot of the walking life. then we moved here.

did i mention six months spent living at bethany beach?

so, not sure what this all means but thought i would share.

another friend's blog

here is my friend nat's search for his favorite favorite thai dish

miss you nat. i'll check out some thai places and report back!

more 24th street

something in the groove this afternoon, maya snoozing after our big morning at the randall museum with jay alexander the magician. miles helps me in the kitchen, really, separating butternut squash seeds from pulp out on the deck and then spreading them with olive oil and salt in a pan to roast. he draws a knight and dragon scene while i attempt to make butternut squash soup with our eatwell farms produce (and screw it up by not measuring). as you can see there has been lots of art-making lately.

after maya wakes i push the double stroller down 24th street in search of pumpkins. we explore someone's furnished open house and check out his artwork and play in his backyard a little. this is the guy who puts cool big photos of glamorous men in drag in his storefront window. i guess he is moving on. right next door is virginia from the vintage clothing/cool cd shop, looking...quite pregnant. her puffy face and big tummy are a shock as since the kids were born i have been the ex-cool person and she the cool unencumbered one, always so friendly. now she is due in 9 days. when she asks us what we are up to we tell her we are looking for pumpkins and miles asks where she got the pumpkin in her window. she gets it and gives it to us which for some reason makes me feel quite joyful.

it is perfect weather this afternoon.

we find more pumpkins at the produce place a few blocks up, and get one for her shop. we stop at the water park across the street. there is some full-on little boy nudity which makes miles concerned about the pants police. soon a little girl is directing him in a hide-and-seek game. maya is alternately smiling and being extremely territorial towards a little blonde miles with a nice dykey mom. maybe i shouldn't write that. i don't know. a mom recognizes maya from her days in bernal heights with her babysitter and they have a brief chat in spanish (aaahhh, goes part of my brain, should we look into putting miles in immersion kindergarten or not i don't know i don't know i don't know). walking home we bump into sheila who reminds us of brian's birthday. it used to be a big part of our lives. sheila looks happy and good as usual, heading to the hardware store to get eco-bulbs to go in the htrift store lamps she got her man for his birthday.

later i fantasize about making potero avenue into a pedestrian mall. what would it take to do this? how many billions of dollars or years of urban decay?

maybe i will have some time to think about things later. right now there is very little time for that. thinking. or much else but mommying.

goodnight.

well, this is annoying. i can't seem to get back to the normal type. writing in italics makes it look like i am writing a dream. maybe i am. on the bus to city college today i was fumbling for quarters and a woman who spoke only spanish paid for me and would not accept my cash once i found it. everyone on the bus was just smiling at me and i assume it was because maya is so freaking cute and was smiling and yelling "hello" to everyone she made eye contact with. at city college there are russian nannies and hip mamas and chinese grandmas and some stay at home dads and cool irish ladies. more talk about where kids are going to school. intriguing talk about unknown neighborhoods not too far from here that are family friendly. read: no one hallucinating and spitting and wearing only a pair of drooping hospital pants, pushing an iv on wheels on the way to the liquor store. on the way home we stop in noe valley and maya definitely singles out homeless people to yell hello to. "hello man. hello bag. hello bag" she says, smiling her largest at a homeless man with a big yellow suitcase. he smiles back.

we were in santa cruz this weekend, rented a big house for my visiting family. it is an emotional and busy 3 days, meeting my sister's new baby, not feeling enough time with my dad. old old feelings resurfacing while chasing kids around. once every year and a half is not enough time with these people in my family. i made the choice to move out here, though. it was me. in a bad parenting moment, after hugging my dad goodbye and having a tiny cry, i tell miles that when he grows up he has to stay near us. "i already decided", he tells me, "i'm staying with you. but maybe i can take some trips, maybe for a few weeks, maybe to someplace like delaware. and you can come with me. and poppop john can take us fishing. does that sound like a good idea?"

yes.

and a wierd talk with my husband. i have been keeping all this where should we live stuff to myself and this blog, as it was driving rich crazy. but we talk about it a little on the way back from santa cruz, and he is not thinking the same way i am about the city. his music friends are here, his work. but he is working all around san francisco, and not liking all of it that much. and he is feeling like our street is just too much. someone recently stole his backpack out of his work van which he just left unlocked for a few minutes while he ran inside. the backpack had a little guardian angel his grandma gave him. and then a few days later he found the backpack, wet, hanging about 8 feet high in a tree behind walgreens. creepy. so he is feeling a little negative, and wouldn't miss the city if he moved to, say, pacifica. i think i would. my friend gradiva wrote to me about how in other places people must not have as many stay and go moments as here (i have to stay here, i have to leave here depending on a small event) and i know what she means. there is a lot of cool stuff going on and a lot of crappy stuff going on and that's what is making it hard for me. but as all the people i am close to become more scattered and busy and far away and the idea of an urban tribe type community fades or is on hold i think i am becoming more attached to this place. a place with peaks and valleys--but a place that is not going anywhere.

my best friend, if you are reading this, i wish you were still here.

and anonymous, whoever you are, thanks for leaving a comment!

safety

tonight i started a writing class way up on a hill in noe valley. when i walk to my car at 10:30 it is super quiet. i see little twinkly lights from hills all around. no shoping carts, it would be too hard to push them up here. a man locks his car with the remote and the beep makes me jump. as i get in my little honda civic a man is across the street and i feel a touch of panic, he is a serial killer in the guise of a young urban professional and is going to push his way in. luckily he does not choose me to be his victim. back by sf general i find a spot around the block by the parking garage. i hear the little house of young party people laughing. a blond woman is walking from the hospital, looking nervous. traffic is coursing as usual down potrero, a stereo blasts bad r and b. i pass our backyard neighbors' apartments, lily's shop, the building pat manages and round the corner to my street. there is the usual paper blowing around, and sparkly glass, and i know for sure there are mentally ill and/or heroin addicts nearby having hallucinations, shooting up in the walgreen's parking lot, or throwing their empty bottles into the street by the bus stop. but i don't feel that panic i felt up on that pretty clean hill. it's certainly not safer here. i get to my door and see the miles-made decorations plastered on the glass and i am home safe. it feels safer because it's what i know. for good or for bad my fight or flight mechanism has adapted to life at 23rd and potrero, the mission, san francisco 2007.