sigh, sorry

i should be feeling good but am not. in the last few days i went to a fun grown-up halloween party (with grown-ups that don't have kids), a kid birthday party where many of the separate parts of my city life collided (among the guests were my brother and family, families from miles' school, families from miles and maya's preschool, the couple that runs the video store on 24th street, and some of our neighbors i have known since the kids were born) and where i painted many people's faces including the birthday boy's 80 year old haitian grandma. last night i trick-or-treated with a pack of joyful kids and no tantrums or major injuries. today i took the kids to the academy of sciences with rebecca, and we met up with more of miles' school buddies. it was a beautiful sunny day and my kids were good.

yet it has been a huge effort to keep calm and help my anxious son and needy daughter feel that all is okay in the world when i am so unsettled.

outside there are doppler shifts of car horns honking, fireworks whistling and banging, shouting. i think i just heard a trumpet the giants have just won the world series and i feel alone on my little planet here. i don't care a bit about the giants. now i hear a helicopter overhead. it is my mom's birthday and she is driving south on highway 101 right now. i just received an email from my best friend far far far away. i am hoping for some sweet dreams tonight and a cease in the noise of ecstatic drunken giants fanatics.

little spiral, beasts

well, things have been pretty exhausting lately. my son is experiencing separation anxiety, which i have recently learned can rear its ugly head between the ages of 6-8 and then again for the tweens, as the kids reach new stages of understanding how they are separate from their parents and also what the world may have in store for them. so life has been full of reassurance, logic, worry time, talking back to worry bullies, back up plan after back up plan,making things calm and good and happy, talking to the school counselor. yesterday was one of the worst mornings, and rich had to peel a wailing miles off me as i left for work. he then put scared and miserable miles in the car and just happened to turn on stairway to heaven on the radio which, he said, snapped miles out of his fear and into a normal state. who knew? soon he was playing handball on the schoolyard and things were all hunky dory today. led zeppelin therapy. we are trying our best.

some of this means i am spending quite a bit of extra time making sure i am there to pick up miles exactly right on time every day, which can be tricky with a job and a four year old. today maya and i arrived at starr king too early because she practically sprinted up potrero hill, being ozma of oz with a brown puppy. we had 30 minutes to kill in the starr king open space, and made a baby rock spiral and several maximum volume short movies, mostly about protecting puppies from: the tree monster!! the rock monster!! the earth monster!!! protect your puppies, hold onto them and don't let go!!!!!

shout it from the hilltop maya! protect your puppies from these beasts!! and end your crazy movie with a big long loud laugh.

singing, dancing, eating, riding ponies, stuck buses, big fears

the potrero hill festival is my favorite of the year.

maya (and her brother and cousin) found herself on stage again with the mobile arts platform, singing and dancing with the amazing Asheba. less than two weeks ago she was dancing with MAP at the galeria de la raza. i'm liking the MAP.

the kids made their own cotton candy at the potrero hill neighborhood house booth. there were pony rides supplied by an exceptionally crotchety pony lady. politicians and michelin men handing out bags of candy. a joyous dance performance with much audience participation by students from the international studies academy. here is a video of the cupid shuffle, something i was unaware of until saturday. i still can't do the electric slide. we also got to see a muni bus stuck on the crest of the hill at 2oth street and carolina. later on we went to a giants game on tv party and today was a mellow one with miles' sweet friend over for a playdate.

despite all the fun, my little partier son could not go to bed tonight because of his persistent new fear, the terrifying possibility that i will be late to pick him up at school and he will have to go in the dreaded cafeteria after 5;30 and wait for me. it is heartbreaking to see my son crying about this day after day, so i am going to try and take more action to make things better for him. it is not the kids, or the teachers, it is miles' feeling that he would be "in a big empty room, all alone." to be somewhere surrounded by people, but no one he really loves, not a close friend or his family is miles' current fear, and it is a big one. i do understand. it is hard to be patient about this, but i do understand. i do.

i guess the cure will be to somehow show him not that i will always get him from school before the remaining kids in the after school program are herded into the cafeteria, but that if i don't he will be able to go in there, and be ok waiting in that big empty room, and maybe even find that it is not as empty as he thinks.

this is a challenge. let me know if you have any ideas.