oh, the bridge again

i thought a little more and the other BIG contributing factor to my bridge panic was seeing all the media coverage of the bridge that collapsed down south. anyone else out there extremely susceptible to these powerful images?


i really avoid the television news as much as i can. when you start to avoid it, and then tune in, you can see how bad it is for your brain. or at least my brain.

bye

living with dilophosaurus

miles suggested we have a big party for everyone in san francisco, no, everyone in the world, and we could all hug each other the whole time.

is this the same kid who is driving me nuts yelling inside like someone with tourettes, pulling my clothes and pushing me from behind as he runs down the hall, and grabbing from and knocking over his little sister? not to mention many many scatological jokes and fits, fits, fits, about seemingly nothing...

my son competes with his baby sister about things like...is my cough louder than maya's? they still have shoving matches about who gets to sit on my fabulous lap.

he tells me he follows all the rules at school because the teachers tell them what to do and not do, a lot.

i feel that i tell him what to do and not do, a lot. a whole lot.

tonight miles told me that he tries to remember to be nice to me all the time, but sometimes he just forgets. i could see his little brain churning as he told me this. he also tells me he doesn't want to go to school because he wants to be with me all the time because he loves me so much.

hopefully things will calm down around here soon. right now it feels pretty wild. but of course i love my little dilophosaurus more than any boy in the world.

link

hopper's hands

there is an article about this guy online

link

very touching, i don't love that word but it fits

hoppers hands

well, i finally had a panic attack on a bridge. not a complete shock, but a really crappy thing to happen. driving the kids to meet my mom at the bay area discovery museum i glimpsed the gg bridge from far below. i had a moment of unusual fear as i saw that stick of road stretching out high above the water. i should have pulled over. but i am tired of fears and phobias and tried to just power through. as i drove onto the bridge i saw that there were only two lanes going north, which forced me to break my usual bridge thing, which is to drive in the middle lane. my heart started feeling wierd. i started breathing wierd. feeling dizzy. hands and feet disconnected. i put on my hazards and started to slow down. versions of this had happened before. but i really couldn't drive, and i was WAY UP HIGH ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. i stopped the car. i started talking to myself ( miles didn't realize this) "i can't drive, i'm having a panic attack." i started crying. a very very kind fatherly iron worker climbed out from under the bridge and made eye contact with me. he motioned about a tow truck, it was going to be ok, and i tried to communicate with him that the car was ok, it was me, he could drive my car over the bridge. by then a very nice police/security/patrol woman of some sort was beside me. i was trying not to cry. a tow truck was in front. she was talking about us getting out of the car and pushing my car over the bridge. or a tow truck pulling it. all i can say is that i didn't feel too great and was not happy with these options and just kept insisting tearfully that someone get in the car with me and drive over the bridge. there was no personnel. finally the iron worker offered to drive, which was a big relief. he drove and said soothing things about how his sister in law couldn't drive on bridges, how natural the fear was, how he saw dogs that were terrified. as he dropped me off he suggested i google hoppers hands. i was a little out of it but i thought he said something about his website or something like that. as soon as we were across i was fine. disgusted and frustrated with myself and feeling very fragile, but fine to drive. we had a nice time at the museum with my mom. then she had to drive me across and get a ride (with the same nice patrol woman, who had many ideas about bridge panic attacks) back to her car at the museum.

so, possible precipitating factors:
-a lot of snippets of earthquake news and conversation lately
-rich mentioning the words bridge and dangerous when i told him yesterday about our marin meeting plan, possible bad weather, him knowing my anxiety level
-a lot of (good, but tough) emotion being unearthed in my wonderful creative writing class
-the unfamiliar lane situation
-the familiar tiredness
-the high anxiety about kindergarten search
-who knows?

all i know is that this stinks for me. i feel like my world is getting smaller. the bay area isn't the greatest place in some ways for someone with fears of heights, bridges, cliffs. i felt so relieved to be back in the city where the ground is solid underneath our wheels. but the earthquake fear is there somewhere too.

anyway, i looked up hoppers hands and i'm not 100% sure but i guess the bridge iron worker who took care of me and was so kind is some kind of local hero--an iron worker who is also a suicide prevention counselor for the bridge

thank you to hopper, the patrol lady, and of course, my mom

still wild at heart

friday was a long day, but we made it to friday night and i took miles out for some culture in bernal heights. it was cold enough for puffy jackets, and quite dark when we left at 6. christmas trees are in many of our neighbor's windows, inspiring a little greed and anxiety in my offspring. we get to red hill books early for the free screening of still wild at heart, a film made about wild animals living in the urban landscape of sf. i saw a flyer in the bookstore earlier in the week, while killing a little time waiting for miles' parents conference at the coffee store.

chairs are scattered around in front of a big projector and a little group is setting up for some live music. a guy with a mandolin, and two women, guitar and violin. they play what to me is amazing bluegrass. very tradtional and old-timey and fast. i think miles is going to whine but he is kind of tired and goes into a trance with me watching the crazy expressions on the violinist's face. they say they are big fans of the coyote in the movie. soon the place fills up, big kids, the old waitress from st francis, and then i spot my old roomate andy, who is still totally himself, and makes some protective comments loudly when the old woman behind is critical of my moving my seat side to side in front of her (miles kept moving) and when people whined about the projector stopping several times ("if you go see a free movie in a bookstore, you might have to adjust your chair a little bit", "if you don't like it, just buy the dvd and watch it at home"). the movie is pretty amazing, about coyotes traversing the streets of san francisco, and even the golden gate bridge, in their efforts to have genetically healthy babies. quail scooting from the presidio to gg park on their tiny little legs, a deer running across the bridge. it was about how wildlife is slowly coming into urban places and though the movie didn't come out and say it, how we are more accepting and encouraging of these creatures as we are seeing our own place in the world as more fragile now then ever, and can appreciate coyotes instead of just shooting them.

don't feed wild creatures!!!

a bear came right down to the north side of the gg bridge and ended up on mt tam.

right now i am tired out after another marathon birthday party, complete with moonsand, sculpey projects (wasn't long ago i was playing with sculpey with no kids around at all), make a plate, lots of gifts, a heavy duty pinata, backyard bouncer, professional storyteller, and some post-party thai food and cupcakes. there was much kindergarten talk but i tried to avoid it mostly, as the whole subject is making more anxious than ever. most of the kids there were from ella's preschool and many were writing sentences which i found amazing.

looking around our living roomi remember way back to this morning and recall maya waking me at 5, insisting it was time to be up for the day and repeatedly trying to sneak out of bed to turn on the tv, some serious tickle fighting, some real family fighting, trying to talk to cassie through a chaotic 30 minutes (can't my family give me half an hour with my long distance friend i dreamed about returning to sf last night?) replanting the lemon tree out back, hauling all the xmas decorations out (miles' request) and setting up our little walgreens tree, the advent calendar, and the lovely and large walgreens christmas light train. ho ho ho. maya has somehow broken our stereo. this place needs some major cleaning. we are making it through for now, day by day, minute by minute, and tonight my back hurts and it is time to go night night.