we survived christmas!

here is maya's scene, created with legos and hand-painted and carved wooden ostheimer dolls (her big xmas gift, to help her remember her first preschool.
407 pieces of violent pretend play. i just read michael chabon's book of essays, manhood for amateurs, and there is a great part about legos, how these kits with massive books of step-by-step directions took some creativity away, but how the legos end up being used by the kids imaginatively as the 407 piece creations eventually break down and get reused by characters such as huge wooden princesses posing as galactic senators.
maya sticking spruce tree trimmings in pink playdough. this morning she woke up and told me, mommy you are so cute, you are as cute as a little mouse. i don't know why she tells me nice things every morning but i like it.
the bandstand at fort mason, made from debris in the bay. wish i had a microscope on my computer to read the white panel that explains more. we saw the young performers theater version of the little prince which was a little creepy and long-winded and prompted distractin g bugs bunny-like kisses from miles' buddy near the end of the show. fort mason also host to my new favorite bookstore, the book bay, as well as the renegade craft fair where i scored a jill bliss from oregon bear poster.
the tortured artist at work.

the michael chabon essays were inspiring (thank you mom) in their coherence and in their closeness to my own thoughts. i guess what i feel inspired to do is to carve some time out to focus my mind a little and write some of it down. not right now though, but soon. ha, how is that for lame procrastination! i feel inspired, but not inspired enough to do anything about it. i guess i will blame this day of 407 lego pieces, of cooking meals, of swiffing crazy-ass amounts of debris off the floor, of taking maya to the zoo, of playing basketball with miles, of reading kids to sleep, of reading inspiring essays and now of sending photos to you, dear reader, to let you see what i see.

xo

ghosts of christmas present and i want to become a pagan

our house is filling up with holiday photo greeting cards of all the cute little kids who have moved away. miles looked curiously at the photo of eva and margot and then decided he didn't recognize them. elise and nina, ditto. nina and niko are still recognizable to my children, which is nice. ben and ella, with reminders. new baby calvin i would like to get my hands on before he is holding a lightsaber. man i wish you were all closer and that your kids didn't look so huge.

and after hearing an INORDINATE amount of pre-christmas gift angst from my obsessive boy-child i have decided i want us all to become pagans. maybe maya's school with its lantern celebration (children walking with lanterns in the dark and singing in rounds end up at a spiral of greens. one by one as everyone sings "oh how lovely is the evening" they walk the spiral with a votive candle which is lit in the center by a teacher, sitting by a tree stump with candles and a big crystal on top, then they find a place for the candle in the spiral. predictably maya is one of the 15% or so of the children present who put down their candle and then leave this beautiful sight to go sing potty songs ["oh how lovely is the pooping" haha] and mess with the pine cones and evergreen boughs over in the corner. this is the school we left, sigh.) has rubbed off on me but i am wishing for a celebration like the old old OLD days, where people lit candles and celebrated trees and created altars at the winter solstice to make sure the sun would return and everyone could continue living. really, the christmas tree, the birth of the son (aha, the rebirth of the sun, interesting) and the hanuhkah candles (which miles wants to investigate next year, thinking he would not have to wait so long for presents) must all stem from these ancient beliefs. how did things get to the point of huge boxes of wrapped gifts criss-crossing around the country and kids being miserable as they count down the days to 12/25. too bad we have been sucked into the vortex of buying a bunch of crap at christmas, including lots of plastic crap for miles, who probably will not be happy with whatever he gets anyway. i am feeling frustrated with materialism and powerless before its forces. i really would like to start over with this season and go all witchy, celebrate on a beach or in the woods with nature and maybe a homeade toy or two for the kids, but with toys everywhere and commercials on bus stops and friends telling and showing my kids what they have got it feels impossible. there is my little rant. i want to be a hobbit or go live in the future in an ursula leguin book. i wish i had kept my kids from the world of material greed, but i have failed, and christmas feels like the prime example, and it makes me feel not so great.

so maybe next year around thanksgiving i will take my family up to the wilds of mendocino and tell them we are pagans now and christmas is no longer, and we can hold candles and dance around a tree. there would probably be a lot of yelling but after a while it would die down. they would probably get bored and want to watch videos on those short days with long nights, but we have plenty of those for the watching.

i don't know if we can fight the dark power of christmas present mania here in the city. what do you think? i know only the spammers are reading this blog anyway.

thank you sister

shopping around for christmas presents with maya on 18th street in potrero hill was a bit depressing. what do i get for anyone? i couldn't spend much time looking at books in christopher's because maya kept smacking me with princess books she wanted me to read, and the lady in one store joked a little grimly about maya's expensive taste as the little princess started walking around in some 300+ buck vintage designer shoes draped with jewels. so i got nothing for anyone. a cold wet day. then we went into farley's for a hot cocoa and sonic youth "sister" was playing. and then my bloody valentine "isn't anything." i got giddy and happy and read maya a ridiculous book in farley's book box about a pig named farley with a gas problem. me and my beautiful girl sipping chocolate on a monday, surrounded by tables full of people working on laptops, talking, drinking, and art on all the walls from the folks at creativity explored, smiling faces, needlepoint animals. listening to some of the best music in the world.

lately i have not been posting about many of the interesting parts of my life because there is a confidentiality factor. is it time for an anonymous blog where i can really spill my guts? i will keep this little one for grandma and far away friends, of course.

a little sad

well, there was a lot of talk at miles' school, and today he asked me point blank if santa was real--and i told him no. he had been fighting against the school rumors by almost feverishly making gifts for santa the last few days. it feels strange seeing the "merry christmas santa" shrinky dink ornament made only 2 days ago by this now non-believing child of mine. i don't remember ever believing in santa claus, but miles has always seemed pretty innocent. then mid-day his first tooth fell out. the tooth fairy is real, right? he asked. i said sure, but felt that maybe he was just hoping that is what i would say.

the whole world of giants and santas and dragons and tooth fairies and easter bunnies, how can in crumble in one day? i guess these things do not have a firm foundation. what will take their place? i am a little sad.

new school

we finally made the decision to take maya out of the very sweet,lovely little waldorf-inspired preschool where she has been happily playing princess, peter pan, hair salon, and learning all kinds of songs and stories for the past three months. it has been hard to figure out, but a nagging feeling that the preschool is just too far away has motivated the change. only 10 minutes on the highway, i kept telling myself, but getting on the highway is just not a good thing, at least in my mind. even on no traffic days the commute just didn't feel quite right. every day on the way to preschool and back i make up a story for maya, and usually stopped the story when we were on the highway because it really is harder to tell a good one when you are driving at 70 mph. so, we are trading the wooden toy, old fashioned school with natural rhythms for the somewhat more chaotic and less lovely-looking preschool which is closer to home. in the end, it feels more right and natural not to get on a highway with 5 lanes of traffic merging and speeding, than it does to drive a little way through our neighborhood. i am sad about leaving this very special little place, which was on potrero hill when i found it, and which had to move to another part of town because of funding issues. in a way i feel that maya will miss out because her mama cannot tolerate the stresses of highway driving very well, but i am the only mama she has got.

i guess we will have to make up this loss to maya by finding a little bit more of that old-fashioned imaginative play and story-telling at home. all the wooden toys--a little too expensive. i think maya is pretty happy playing with her royal family. wish us luck with the transition in january.

i hope santa has not observed my children lately

whoa. there has been some serious bad behavior going on over here. miles is pretty much in out of control rude mode, combined with some wierd foot problem where he crawls and hops on one foot one day because when he walks it "feels like he is dying" and then runs around playing soccer and jumping off bunk beds the next. and maya just joins in the fun with her brother. i guess it did amuse the waitstaff when she stood up on her chair at the old clam house tonight and yelled "i want a hamBOOGER" (emphasis hers) towards the kitchen. it is not cute however when she runs out of the park down 24th st alone with a plastic bag she found on the ground ("i was trying to catch a pigeon.") miles told me tonight he has no idea why he is being rude and having temper tantrums for about half the day ("i really have no idea" he said, musingly). it is easy to blame myself, or rich, or our family dynamic, but it is easier to blame the christmas season, with the threat of santa peeping in at a bad moment, with greed in the air.

our mission day yesterday was pretty sweet--a visit here with a friend in the morning, then a walk to parque ninos where miles found a kid to play soccer with and maya pretty much just kind of leaned all over me for two hours. we left and walked up 23rd st in perfect weather and bumped into the family art day at red poppy art house. all kinds of paint and brushes and paper and comfy arm chairs all over the sidewalk for parents so sit in while kids made art in the sun. we kept walking to paxton gate for kids on valencia st--i thought there were going to be animals there but i was 2 weeks off. there was, however, a cool little archaeological dig set up for kids. miles found a pyrite cube while maya enjoyed the 300$ plan toy dollhouses set up to keep kids away from the more breakable stuff.

this afternoon we went to coyote point. miles was thrilled to see the dead rat on a stump that the eagles had snacked on, and maya made a snowman/flower/pancake/birthday cake/snake/just a something out of clay. the kids turned gears and levers and played with magnets and i hoped they were learning something about science. on the way home we decided uncharacteristically to go out to eat,at the old clam house on bayshore, where the women who sat down next to us proclaimed loudly "o.k. bitches" laughing happily, which set off the especially especially bad behavior which culminated in me manhandling two kids out the door while rich paid the bill.

anyway, thanksgiving was delicious. i am still paralyzed with uncertainty about whether or not to switch maya's preschool. my old bandmate ilhan just left a message on our answering machine that he wants me to come sing with his metal cover band, they are practicing this friday. i have piles of work work and laundry to do and i am rambling on in this blog instead.

gradiva noted that this was a sanitized version of my life, and she is right, but who wants to read the real crap? i will save it for my novel, under a fake name, of course.

bye

mandarin immersion thanksgiving

hi

i was busy working and could not attend my son's thanksgiving celebration and presentation. he was bummed out enough about it that i asked a fellow parent to take some pictures and she sent me
this video.

pretty cute. i am proud that my once super shy kid could get up and do this.

better go look up some thanksgiving recipes, i am behind the cooking curve.

i love you mummyshots

what a weekend. the mandarin immersion mom's night thing was a blast, i discovered a new happy juice, pear and rosemary martinis and mmm are they good. i also felt the beautiful diversity of the public schools...sure these are all middle class mamas who might look like me on some paper record of socioeconomic status or parental education (probably many more educated and wealthy than our own little family, actually) but i found myself almost in "i love you guys territory" talking to some folks i never would have come to know at all if it was not for the witchcraft of the sfusd diversity lottery. a shout out to our fantastic hostess, who not only made the pear martinis but cooked and served homeade bread pudding with caramel sauce and extra special chocolate chip cookies.

then there was a lot of kid time for two days. we had an extremely long-play visit with friends today and at one point maya walked out of a bedroom where she had supposedly been quietly reading books while the boys went beserk with war games in the back yard. she was a nudie and had decorated certain body parts with the one pink thing she could find in this house of three boys-- a strawberry shortcake pink magic marker. go girl.

rich dropped me off on valencia street, maya wailing at me through the window as he drove away. i browsed in a bookstore and felt a little touristy checking out the young folks with their unique attire--handlebar moustaches and pippi longstocking outfits. everyone seemed so sophisticated and freaky at the same time, and i saw a surprising number of babies peeping out of slings and bjorns. a cool and misty night, and i was fortunate enough to see and hear the fabulous mummyshots again, at amnesia. i'm no music reviewer, but they are a pure delight, deep and silly and talented and laughing, i really can't describe, just come over and i will play you a cd and make sure you go to the next show. lots of old friendly faces there and an amazing list song about the dome.

speaking of the dome, a song rich recorded there with carlton melton is now being played on the bbc radio playlist in the uk and scotland. check it out.

tonight, going to bed, maya told me that next time i went to a meeting (this is our reason for all nightly outings for parents) she would go with me because we were "stuck together with tape, butter, and jelly."

that's all folks
love, jamie

rocky way to the starr king open space

i wish i could walk the kids to school every day. darn that pesky job. twice a week we hike up the hill. today we found a giant's leaf, some green pigeon poo, a flower to pick, and counted 102 steps on the step sidewalk block. then the best part, miles rock climbs and maya and i take the super steep path up the rock. a small hike, to be sure, but it is a very good feeling reaching the top. a hawk circled around and we noticed the rocks were a light green color. someone broke up some concrete from an old sidewalk going through the open space and someone else has used it to build little tower sculptures. i am an old broken record about it, but i love this place, this little bit of nature that is part of the weekly routine.

and in other fantastic news my friend from way way back (5th grade) has adopted a brand-new baby boy.

i am drinking coffee to prepare myself for the second annual mandarin immersion mom's night out on potrero hill. worn out from a day muni-ing a class of kids across the city on a field trip about Plastiki-Mission Control. with maya. it was an exhausting pleasure on my day off.

it is raining and dark and it would be easy to stay home and curl up in bed, but i will get up and go soon. little tiny traditions and rituals are forming around here, i need them.

parks and rec and vitamin d

today after a long time at work and driving all over the place maya and i went to get miles at potrero rec center. it was dusk when we got there, the indoor court full of big teenagers from the neighborhood playing basketball, nicely-dressed folks on the field bringing their dogs for their nightly outing. miles was not there, he was outside somewhere with the director, and under the flourescent lights some girls were drawing on easels and one boy played mancala with another staff member. the kids returned from outside, looking cold. they had been looking for the anaconda, a wierd little fiction the director had them fascinated with, and which i did not want to dispute. today miles said they found a can of blood, so there must really be an anaconda. but he also asked me "did mike just wink?", feeling a little confused. is there really an anaconda roaming potrero hill? like a ghost story from summer camp. not educational, not "enrichment", just a strange story to get the kids thinking and looking around the trees and bushes in the twilight.

miles and maya started whining about being hungry and the rec director went into the kitchen to get them a snack. he came out with one piece of homeade fried chicken and a piece of bread in a little plastic container, which he said his friend made for him. i didn't want to take his dinner but he insisted he didn't like fried chicken. miles and maya certainly do and gnawed on the bones in the dark car on the way home.

so things are working out in the after school department. odd, but good.

our lead blood test results for the kids came back fine, which is a relief, although i can no longer say it is the lead dust causing my dear daughter to be a frequent tyrant. we did find out they are both severely deficient in vitamin d, and need to take special supplements. vitamin d, it's not just for rickets anymore--deficiencies now linked to high blood pressure and cholesterol later in life. most people, not just kids should be supplementing vitamin d in their diet.

another wierd sign of the times--if we were outside all day like the animals we are, then the sun would keep us well in this department.

rambling as usual. take your vitamin d. thank your low paid goofy hat wearing chicken dinner donating parks and rec director who says your kid is "the best" and smile to yourself as you wearily drive home, the lights of downtown san francisco sparkling in the darkness below you.

pretty much content-less post

okay, so the days are getting shorter but that is no excuse for my lame blogging behavior.

it is easier to think about writing than write. maybe i need a secretary to sit next to me bed and take dictation.

and i have been reading a lot, snuggle in bed rereading old books reading. right now the feast of love, which is a very good reread. the kids are getting well-behaved enough that i even have time to snatch a few books for myself on our library trips.

soccer season has come and gone. the kids at my school made paint turkeys today, and we have to start thinking about xmas. little calvin just turned three. we haven't found time to prune the fruit trees yet. i have been overdue to get a root canal done for OVER A YEAR. what the heck is going on?

this is one of those short, i need to get my groove going again posts.

tonight when i picked maya up from preschool, after a little struggle, as she climbed into her crumb-covered carseat: "mommy you smell like hearts and flowers and roses." not true, but go ahead and say it, girl.

and at bedtime as miles climbed into his bunk: "you are the best mommy in the world. you are exquisite. you are double exquisite. if you were a finger i would still love you. if you were a piece of sand i wouldn't let the broom sweep you. if you were an ant and an anteater tried to eat you i would kick him in the face."

awww. just what i needed to hear.

nighty night

i should be in bed

another fast entry due to computer power problems.

saturday rich's cover band browntown west played a benefit for miles' school at the bottom of the hill. i drank three jameson and cokes pretty fast and had an excellent time watching my worlds collide. my visiting dad, stepmother and their two friends from delaware were there, along with our rock and roll friends, some with babies now, and a crew of starr king families. even the principal showed up for a little bit. they started the set with the star wars theme which created an instant mosh pit of little boys with imaginary light sabers. they covered hot for teacher of course. there is jed, grabbing the mic and yelling rock and roll. three little girls lined up next to christa shaking and yelling, like mini motown back up singers. about 10 kids sitting on the stage in a huddle, just staring intently. by the end of the show kids were banging on drums and cymbals and doing some stage diving.

it was a blast, especially as we have been dealing with some annoying and anxiety provoking problems with lead paint--i had to take the kids to be tested and we are spending a lot of money to get our house tested and cleaned--and the painter who we think contributed to the lead exposure does not seem to want to help pay. he did not do a terrible awful job, but was not careful, and we are careful with our kids around here.

and my dad has come and gone. seeing him for two and a half days,being my dad and being a poppop was just enough for me to miss him more. delaware is very far away from me. miles was pretty obnoxious for much of the visit, or seemed so to me since i so wanted him to show his good side to the poppop he never sees. every toilet talk joke or random throw of a toy made me furious. as they left tonight, though, he yelled down the stairs, "i'm going to paint i love you on all the walls in this house and send it to you in the mail!!!" so some love shone through.

better go before this screen goes blank.

halloween 2009

i have to type quickly because our f$&&^ computer is acting up. halloween has come and gone. we spent friday waiting in line for the H1N1 vaccine for 2.5 hours at a public health clinic. a bunch of neighborhood kids and acquaintances were there and it turned into a little block party with candy, chalk drawings, inevitable wrestling and at one point miles and his buddy lying on the parking lot faces up to the sky, surrounded by folks waiting for their flu shots, making synchronized knee-pit fart noises.

last night we trick or treated on potrero hill, star wars style. we went with friends and saw lots of cool spooky stuff and got a TON of candy. people were handing out full size chocolate bars and maya was amazing, i will never have to worry about her finding food if she is lost in the woods somewhere, she could spot a house with candy from a block away and was cute enough to get away with taking more, more, more. my favorite stop was this (see crummy photo above) house we hit on the way home. they had set up a popcorn maker and tv sets with monster house playing and the kids sat and munched and watched, totally spent, while rich and i people watched for a little while.

up on potrero hill it feels a lot like a neighborhood. the guy handing out popcorn had grown up there and seemed to know everybody, young and old.

after the kids passed out i felt a little sad thinking about my boy growing up. how many more halloweens will we have where he will hold my hand and be with his mommy and daddy? he still believes wholeheartedly in mother pumpkin, and there is no way that will be happening when he is ten. i got very sappy (maybe the kamikaze shot at the bar with my trick-or-treating mom friends contributed---and the little whiskey flask) and told the kids how much i loved them and how wonderful they were, etc etc etc. i think is it good for them to hear this.

anyway, i have made it this far without losing power so i should end while i can. good night.

jamie

well, i had to post a picture of some kids in hay, because that's what we city slickers have been doing for the month long holiday of halloween. the pumpkin patch behind ucsf with the hay ride around a parking lot to see some old stuffed animals in trees (the kids loved it). scary grove night at stern grove, a new parks and rec event involving many many many children in star wars garb, no food, rides, magicians, light sabers flashing in the trees, and a major blood sugar let it all out double kid cry all the way home. and this weekend the mother of all pumpkin patches. we were there for.....four hours!! jumpy house. corn maze (maya took off and got lost in it and had to sit next to me on a bale of hay while everyone else ran wild and free and itchy). face painting. expensive hot dogs. we saw a cow being milked which probably turned my kids off milk forever as the cow had her neck in a creepy metal holder thing and she pooped during the demonstration. snow cones. haunted house, haunted barn.


so, we get our country time in.

i know i did not blog for a while. sometimes it is easier just to lie in bed rereading books for the 40th or 50th time than it is to write online about my existance. sometimes it is hard to write about my existance without sharing certain thoughts and feelings that are better left inside my head, or at least not outside a bar or private phone conversation.

what did you miss hearing about blog readers?

one event stands out. we went to a night time outside movie screening put on by the family of a girl miles went to preschool. i know they are community oriented because a few years ago they got a grant and organized community members and rebuilt a decrepit old park into an amazing and lovely playground and garden. we walked over with miles' school friends, and the kids just zoomed along on scooters and bikes. no crazy traffic. the house turns out to be big and magical, with a secret hideout for kids under the house, a huge electric train set hidden in the basement, and an in law apartment out back with guinea pigs and a sweet dog checking out the guinea pigs and hundreds and hundreds of cds. through the back door of the in law and we are in the alley, an overgrown alley with a sandbox and door leading out from all the fences on both sides. people are coming down the alley with their kids, it is getting dark as parents try and set up the outside screen. there is a couch in the alley and food and people coming in and out of their backyards and kids running wild, toddling wild. the little girl miles went to preschool with had invited her first grade teacher and she appeared in the crowd, and then went to check out r's bedroom. there is a big cooler of beer and funny malt liquor drinks and juice boxes and i am just in love with this alley full of people, a big tree leaning over it, a swivelling seesaw in it.
finally the movie starts, and the kids are all crowded onto blankets and the couch, the adults in chairs or around the little fire pit. it is totoro, totoro which i first saw with my best friend long before kids came along. after the movie we go outside and there are little signs of halloween everywhere, glowing pumpkins and lights.

this was in mission terrace, which is in the city about 10 minutea away, but which in my little slice encounter seems to be the coolest suburb i have been to. no cool factor of huckleberry donuts and murals and theaters, but what could be better than totoro on a big screen at night, outside in an alley, your boy and girl cuddled together watching, a mike's hard lemonade and some reminscing about old times, strangely but nicely, with people you have not known for all that long.

tired now, goodnight, love you
jamie

why am i doing this?

why am i writing this blog anyway? there is no clear subject which might be of interest to people--say, education or food or knitting or raising chickens. there is no point, as in trying to make people laugh, or convert to my religion, or give me money.

i suspect this blog is a primitive version of why most writers write--to decrease the feeling of isolation. i'm not sure about this, though.

why feel isolated? look at today. kids wake me up at 7 am rolling on me and shrieking about star wars. soon we are at the park with very nice newish friends and kids, eating salami and dried apples, kicking a soccer ball, listening to the cars, admiring our children and planning a night out to drink some wine. then we drive through this beautiful city to check out the amazing mission science workshop with the kids, where we see more friends and their kids along with dead bats and live reptiles and batteries and clay and little boys making things out of glue guns and band saws and cardboard and putting bones together. all this started by one man who wanted to bring more science to kids in the neighborhood. after this we go with suling and natalie to valencia st and visit the pirate store 826 valencia, where the kids looked at all the wierd stuff in the drawers. and then miles and maya and natalie spent some time in the dark little tiny three seat theater watching the very clean aquarium with the puffer fish. they spy what seem to be some old fish bodies on the floor of the tank and speculate about them. poor little adorable fish says maya, really meaning it.

we get sandwiches and walk right by cassie's old old house to dolores park. it is a huge party. drunk 30 year old ish people everywhere, some younger, some older, drinking, eating birthday cake. playing with hula hoops, even walking on a low tightrope that has been set up. we get to see a man and a woman about my age strip down a little and full-on wrestle, an activity that ends when they roll in dog poop. there is a man with a long red ponytail and droopy handlebar moustache just hanging out in a tiny bikini bottom. someone has set up a small mobile art museum. i swing with the kids and we are all befriended by a wasted young guy with dreadlocks and pants below his baggy underwear. he makes funny sounds as he swings and then jumps off to almost smash his head on the sidewalk several times and maya sure loves that. the view is fantastic. i remember coming here 13 years ago and playing acoustic token white boy songs. it is a scene like a good city park should be, full of people having a good time.

so what is it? some middle-aged dread? after all this warmth and display of humans (maybe too much today for my tired mind to handle), after my kids go to bed and rich is in listening to music land i just need to read, and read, and this is often good. but some nights it is not enough, and it is too late to call my most far-away loved ones, or just not the right time for a call, so i babble and ramble on in this blog about the details of my day.

are you out there? do you want to read about something else? i will do it for you, if you ask.

goodnight.

cursed block?

MOMMY, SOME PEOPLE EAT ANIMALS!!! SOME PEOPLE EAT, DEAD,ANIMAAAALLLLS!!!
maya came running into the bedroom this morning to tell me this, which she learned from some cartoon character on PBS kids.

i am beginning to think our block is cursed. two nights ago i heard a commotion outside and looked out the window. about 25 very excited police officers and a car completely turned around and on the sidewalk right in front of my house. then a flurry of confused looking cops grabbed a woman and shoved her into the backseat of a cop car. this didn't go over well with me, even though i found out later that no one was hurt. the cops had chased the woman, driving a stolen unmarked police car, all the way from daly city to end at 1107 potrero avenue. boom, into a spot where we often park.

more upsetting to the kids, the top portion of a nice tree on our block, you know, the part with branches and leaves and sometime fluffy pink flowers, disappeared. poof. maya has been talking about it for days.

and for the second time someone stole the nice bright green succulent we planted in the cinder block outside. miles noted with disgust that someone had thrown a dirty tissue in it.

even so, today was a beautiful day off work. maya and i made a dollhouse, muffins, and did a little gardening. we split our weekly dynamo donut (meyer lemon with huckleberry icing) and after school walked miles and friends to soccer practice under a blue sky. on the walk home my kids both held my hands with no major meltdowns and we found a secret little block between 22nd and 23rd and wisconsin and carolina, funky old and new houses, one with a shady front garden with a stone lion head.

we watched looney tunes and then at bedtime miles asked lots of questions about what we were going to do with his body when he died.

it was a kinda strange, good day. my friend suggested that all the bad things that happened on our block make the chance of more bad things happening unlikely.

i know this is not how it works, but i will try to believe it.

bye

do you have an extra 600,000 dollars?

sonoma weekend. we called the clydesdales and they came right over to say hello. met kids in the park and miles and rich played football for a lonnnnngggg time. we drank red and white wine and ate salami and cheese and tomatoes from The Patch and even made it through a grandparent brunch without driving grandpa david nuts. my mom fed us tidbits from her training as a sonoma county naturalist--vultures are the only bird that can smell. yellow jackets are wasps. she tells us about a dog chasing a deer through nathanson's creek behind their house.

the way home was pretty for a while, with rolling hills of grapes on vines, and a stop at the beautiful stanly farm to pick pumpkins and run between tall sunflowers and corn stalks and pretend to drive rusty old tractors.

then we hit the traffic on 80 and the world started to seem not so nice. sitting in a mass of barely moving cars for two hours gives you time to think about all things wrong: from too many people to collapsing economies to oil wars to unsustainability to people just being jerks as they honked and shoved their ways from lane to lane. and the bridge, the bridge, well if you know me you know how i feel about that. suspended so high in traffic i bit my lip and felt my hands go numb as rich drove and i silently begged my children to be quiet and happy and patient. miles put his new yoda mask on to make our neighbors in the traffic jam smile as we eased our way down into our tall city.

i want to take the ferry next time.

back in sf we dropped rich off and went to the friends of potrero hill at i.m. scott raise a roof benefit. maya and i rode on a bike to provide pedal power for blenders and spin art, and we all pedal powered the bluegrass musicians amps. as kids ate treats, poked at weeds growing through cracks in the asphalt, played with hula hoops and rode things with wheels we heard educators plead for money. friends of potrero hill has found a home in the i.m. scott building owned by sfusd. sfusd will lease to to foph for $1 a year, and in return friends of potrero hill will build a new little sustainable beautiful place in which to teach preschoolers. all the preschool needs is 600,000.

it is time, time, time, time, time, time, time for some big changes. is it crazy to think that in these very scary economic times there is hope for donations of $600,000 to build a little neighborhood preschool that wants to teach kids about peace and sustainability? just hearing the plea, amongst the rock the bike people and joyful kids, was in a strange way inspirational. like, it's insane, but it is gonna' happen anyway.

i hope so.

night night

gifts before noon today

ahh, friday, i love you.

we climbed up the rocky way to starr king this morning, scrambling up like rock climbers and being snow leopards. maya cut her wrist but did not cry. on the playground a parent gave her a pink rubber bracelet for her suffering.

miles got involved with a pack of kids and did not seek me out to say goodbye when the bell rang, a first.

maya and i walked down 24th st and watched ants crawling out of cracks with white food in their mouths. a stooped and smiling old lady threw rice for the pigeons. we ate a hipster donut listening to old soul music and then a stranger gave maya two metal bicycle-shaped keychains she made for her business.

we saw lobsters in tank with rubber bands around their claws. disney princess on ice posters, religious statues that look like queens, a cute little doggie, aww, some broken glass to step over. a bus stop poster with a man and a woman wearing gas masks.

at maya's dance class a little bit of her tinkerbell dress ripped and she let another girl have it for a bracelet. then she shocked me by giving away the pink rubber bracelet to a little girl named frankie.

on the way home i got maya rice and beans and the waitress gave maya a floating green balloon with a pink string. we walked by two memorials, candles and flowers and photos huddled around trees.

then maya's balloon got away. she started to get upset and then decided against it.

home now in our dirty apartment, maya watching a little bit of little bear, quiet green trees blowing around in the back yards.

happy weekend
xo,
j

a little better

hi

sorry for those miserable last posts, but a shooting on top of general stress will do that top ya'.

this is the kids watching a very cute performance by ballet folklorico at miles' after school program (which i think he is turning his back on).
rich has been in delaware and i have been super mom this weekend, carting the kids to star wars playdates (i did get a good red wine buzz out of this event) martial arts, soccer (hey, we have a nice view of the golden gate bridge and alcatraz from the soccer field), and two bday parties.

the party today was right down the street and we dragged poor grandma j along and ended up staying all day. it was a good party because there were lots of adults there, and adult food that kids liked too, and it was not 100% about the kids, but they were certainly there. there were lots of tatoos and people talking about the beauty bar, and homework, and a hello kitty jumpy house, and another bday party for another friend right under the next group of trees. homeade tamales and tabouli salad and pulled pork and fancy meatballs and fruit salad and speakeasy beer and the new and improved riunite wine. maya made a crazy mud hole with some water and a fork which splattered all over her face, and then took a little snooze on a slab of concrete next to the jumpy house generator while miles participated in a quiet but very complex and endless boys stalking unaware girls kinda game. there was a friend face painter who made maya into a sparkly blue dragon with lips, and a pinata chock full of sugar.

grandma josy kept her word and we took miles to st francis after the party for his grandson hamburger and ice cream. i had a little tiny bit of trouble breathing as we walked past the shooting site from last week, got a tiny bit teary eyed but it is hard to feel too bad when maya is dancing in the restaurant and miles is laughing so hard he slides under the table. the hipsters were coming in and out, and some dressed up latino couples, and a group of cute people doing the wave at the counter top. out the door i could see strollers, homeless folks, skateboarders zipping by, a pink balloon. it was okay. i took a deep breath and took my babies home and they went right to sleep, pinata candy, ice cream, cake and all.

xo

still feeling sourish

oh, ho, it is wednesday and i am a single mom for a week. trying not to think about gunshots. once a month i see an old friend at our department meetings (which we use as 2 hours to catch up, whispering in the back row like the bad and disrespectful people we are) and she makes me think about another mythical suburb, albany, where she is friends with all her neighbors and half the neighbors are old friends. someone recently moved there called it mayberry. tra la la all the kids walk together to the great school down the street where hardly any kids are bombing out due to poverty or experimental immersion programs. birdies chirping rather than sirens and truck engines on the highway. little green gardens and sidewalks devoid of trash heaps and feces.

yes, i am in a down mode. what the heck are we doing here? mode. and doubting our choice of schools for our kid. sure it is a place with a good feeling and lots of people to like, and miles is happy to go there and he can speak chinese now but the more i think about it (in this negative frame of mind) are we NUTS? not only is he only getting one hour of crappy houghton mifflin english time per day, taught teachers who great but undeniably ESL, but there are many many kids in the school who are dealing with great poverty and difficulties. seems like we picked a very cool place with huge challenges.

kind of like the city. can we do anything to make things better? are we being bad parents? am i just very very grumpy?

on a lighter note--maya was moving cinderella's paper arm in the pop-up book up and down during story time in the bed tonight and told us cinderella was making a fart sound in her armpit. we all lost it and i laughed for about ten minutes as miles went armpit and kneepit noise bonkers and maya joined right in.

one more day of work and then my fabulous four day weekend begins, full of creative movement class(not for me), wushu class (not for me), soccer game(i get to watch), two birthday parties (not for me), library benefit. i can hardly stand it, i love it all but i can hardly stand it.

anyone want to come over for cocktails one night soon? i miss you, people.

xo
jamie

nice weekend sour end

here are some weekend photos. we went to the roadworks street fair in potrero hill sponsored by the center for the book. many artists had made linoleum block stamps, and they rolled on the ink, laid the linoleum blocks down on the road, covered them with paper and a rug and then a guy rode a two-ton steamroller over them to make prints. cool to watch and then there was a table for people to make their own prints which miles took full advantage of. today we met mike and suling at the beautiful walter haas park. perfect weather, good monkey bars and pretend castles, kids sharing scooters and bikes and tricycles. later julia met us at the skate park and we got to see some kind of crazy voodoo ceremony with women singing and dancing, an older man spraying liquor from his mouth, an altar, some ritual looking sword fight, drums. there were tons of kids of all shapes and sizes playing together on the playground.

on our way home, however, we saw some police cars on 24th street and i went home to read online about a shooting one block away. and miles has decided he wants to return to his latch key program which i feel a little nervous about.

the urge to flee is somewhat strong tonight.

poor poor pitiful me

well, this was a tough week for me. i know, i know, i've got it good but we all have different levels of tolerance and this week brought me pretty close to quitting it all and going on welfare. does welfare still exist?

work was chock full of kids not getting what they need and me feeling very bad about it. i will leave it at that. maya started her new waldorf-y pre-k. i had convinced myself the drive would not be too bad and then managed to get panicky on the highway so it kind of is bad since i am meandering a long long way on city streets and then at night thinking about all that driving and thinking of comforting quotes i have heard/read recently like "why worry about flying or earthquakes, when driving is the most danger you can put your kid in?" so is the cool pre-k worth it or should we out her in the nice cheap co-op walking distance from our house? the deed is not quite done because we have not paid the waldorf-y pre-k yet. miles also started his first week at the starr king asp and kind of liked it, but i think the asphalt is getting to him. monday: "can we go camping soon?" wednesday: "can we visit brian soon?" yesterday: "i just want to go somewhere....green soon." so we have to make that decision still, too, about after school programs.

i found myself emailing private speech and language therapy clinics late last night after, i admit it, yet another bout of loud crying and just feeling too pathetic to drive all over and feel guilty about kids at work and worrying about kids in cars and afterschool programs and too much asphalt.

today was my day off. maya and i took miles to school and then very slowly meandered down the hill,taking a full 30 minutes to let maya sit on the steep sidewalk and sing songs and then through the mission with a stop for a dynamo donut (chocolate rose) to her first creative movement class at dance mission theater. it is a huge high ceilinged place with lots of studios and light and mirrors. a hot hot day and no fans turned on. maya jumped right in, as she did at pre-k this week. at one point they played some beautiful floaty music which i think was bjork, or sugarcubes, and watching maya twirl around and hold hands with a new little girl friend and feel the music was amazing. we made it home in the heat with a lucky ride from one of miles' schoolmates moms, driving around the mission unemployed.


after school miles made the brave leap to join the starr king soccer team. i watched him skipping around the soccer field, yes skipping, i'm not sure why, this is his latest thing. maya messed around in the shade with me and some cool moms and dads and the little siblings. afterwards was smoothie day and miles had a nice mandarin conversation with the lady at the deli.

so, deep breath, in writing this all looks fine. sometimes it just feels like way too much for me, though. i can barely handle my own life--when the needs and worries the parents i work with come in to play i really want to flee. for a nice life of being a mom and taking care of our house and maybe taking care of me a little.

darn you, facebook

dave milsom just sent this to me, and i felt like sharing. twenty years ago! i was thin! token white boy.

scroll down to wednesday, march 18th on the link. thank you ilhan.

wish i could go bang on something or yell into something right now. maybe tomorrow.

everybody everywhere

waahh. my baby, pictured here in a stunning ensemble, started preschool today. she barely said goodbye and walked off toward the group of kids, then shot back across the room and squeezed my legs ferociously, then joined the group.

i missed her during my three hours of food shopping and cleaning the kitchen. and i felt disconnected from the well-heeled group of moms waiting outside to get their kids, all tall ladies with smooth hair and nice shoes and cars. second guessing my decision about this preschool, of course.

miles started his after school program today, which we are trying out 5 days a week. i was itching to go get him at our usual pick up time but had to wait.

walking down the rock hill from school i told him how maya had been brave but was a little teary and mad this afternoon. he told me when he started preschool he cried for six weeks but then he had a good time, which is pretty accurate.

why did you cry so much, anyway? i asked. this was when he was three. because i wanted you, he answered.

this is the answer i wanted to hear, i suppose, but it hurts a little too. we want to be together but have to go into the world.

of course at home the kids were fighting over markers and bickering as they counted each other's stirs taking turns making sweet potato pancakes (wink wink, deceptively delicious), and then miles drove me nuts at bedtime making fart noises under his armpit while i tried to sing baby beluga to maya. i yelled at him and he went into the closet for about ten minutes but finally emerged to say sorry. he had to make just one more fart noise, though. then we called each other exquisite and he went to sleep.

big meeting tomorrow, the thing i never mention here, work.

and i just reread one of my favorite autobiographies, nobody nowhere by donna williams. you can borrow it from me if you would like.

night night

6:45 a.m.

rocking out to patti smith, horses, at 6:45 this morning.

note new and thrillingly realistic lightsaber. life is good.

idealistic hippie post

here is a link to a photo that made me wish i had been at burning man this year. maya would have loved loved loved this sculpture. if i could get a few humane leashes and hire a full-time babysitter i would love to attend burning man with the kids next year. who knows! my two trips there were two of my best trips anywhere.

thinking a little more about the myfarm business difficulties is really motivating me to study sustainable gardening more seriously and get to work . maybe i will be out there with a flashlight (listening to rem) because that is the only time i will have, but i am very interested. making a small, semi-shady, windy space into a productive vegetable garden on a limited money and time budget is definitely a challenge.

i'm extrapolating my thoughts to lots of the things about living in the city that made many of my friends leave, such as wanting a bigger house, bigger yard, safer places outside for kids to play, less conflicts/crimes, the complications of public school assignments, the noise and crowds. these things can be considered challenges if you are in the right mood. all these issues are issues facing the entire world right now--overcrowding, not enough food for everyone, dealing with pollution, tolerating different folks as we are crammed closer together, making sure people have enough education and resources so that they can be happy citizens and not criminals.

so, on a good day, i look at these issues that our entire city living family faces daily as challenges to learn from. if we can deal with them here our kids will be better equipped to deal with these problems wherever they go. maybe they will learn to grow food in small spaces if their mama does. miles fought saying goodbye to the grass in our yard but now likes the little garden even more. maybe they will learn that people don't need huge places to live in since we are making them share a room. maybe they will understand how hard most people have to work to survive when they see those muscled shirtless older men dodging traffic on potrero ave as they push their piled-high bottle and can filled safeway carts to the bayshore recycling center. we will make sure the kids are just fine by spoiling them rotten in our own way.

i can hear some 60's music playing in the background, is it simon and garfunkel? call me idealistic, or an early childhood educator, these are just thoughts, that's all.
goodnight

david i. was right

well, there is trouble in urban farm paradise.

if you don't remember this important fact, we are members of a "decentralized urban farm" in sf. we received a very sad email this morning from one of the farmers in this group saying that they had not been paid in two months and that things were not going well. which we had kind of noticed since our little backyard farm has been a little neglected.

on my way home from a trip over potrero hill i stopped at the eat-in at the awesome 18th and rhode island permaculture garden. they were eating all kinds of gourmet vegetable creations but i was mostly mesmerized by a tour with the main gardener, who is all about permaculture, which invloves cool stuff like building up soil, everything being a perennial, climbing perennial squash vines, low maintenance, training out of control fruit trees to behave and fruit within reach, lovely pineapple guavas (hi nat),sharing food, sharing systems, and not constantly going to floorcraft for more bags of soil amendment and little plastic six packs of baby vegetables. he said to come back on friday during their weekly workday and i could pick his brain some more. so maybe there is hope for our backyard farm yet.

the eat-in is an awareness-raising event, i guess they were all over california, to raise awareness of the need for healthy local food in kids' lunches. right now at miles' school the achievement gap even follows the kids into the cafeteria--more educated and affluent parents pack whole grain breads and nut butters and organic apples and yogurt and sugar snap peas in their kid's cute little lunch bag while most of the kids from lower income families get the fake juice, processed food pizza, extra sugary corn muffin, you get the picture. click on the permaculture link above to get more info about the eat-in.

tonight after dinner i took the big kid to the skate park. we rang his buddy's bell on the way over and they accompanied us with a.'s DOUBLE-BLADED LIGHTSABER. his mom had a nice little buzz from an afternoon bbq and i remembered why i like having so many cool neighbors as we gossiped about the school and the boys twirled their plastic sticks around in the cool and sunny almost bed-time evening.

i have to do some work for real work now. the kids are asleep, visions of star wars in their heads. it is kind of quiet and last night's huge moon has vanished.

more sunday streets

we drove out to sunday streets at ocean beach today, a somewhat miserable trip with miles very dejected in the back seat and assuming the worst, that there would be no bike for him to ride. this culminated in a full-blown temper tantrum, which we have not seen in a while, miles refusing to get out of the car and even saying he hated us. we could have been tough and cruel but instead babied him through it, and thank god there was ONE miles' size bike left at the free bike rental out at the great highway. i decided to get one too. i guess riding the bike feels so good to him it was worth freaking out in advance against the possibility that his desire would not be realized.

we met my mom and brother and family and bumped into lots of folks we know, which always reassures me. it was a perfect temperature greyish day and rich and i took turns biking with miles south and north from gg park to (almost) the zoo and back, while the other parent supervised maya flinging hula hoops around her neck, begging to ride the crazy cyclecide carousel, making origami penguins, and rolling in the sand with her cousins.

it feels very good to bike by the pacific ocean pretty much ignoring traffic lights and riding right on top of that painted dotted line. some kids on training wheels, people blasting music, a few dog walkers, mostly bikes bikes , a salty smell in the air, nothing for sale and no cars, no cars, no cars.

it felt a little bit like riding into the future, when cars will be less and less and then just fizzle away to nothingness. maybe. i will be an old lady and miles and maya can pull me in an old lady bike trailer cuz they love their old mama so much.

night night

vegetables, decisions

tonight i hear a bunch of kids yelling and playing out back their little voices louder and clearer than the car beeps, motorcycle vrooms, and trucks rumbling down the off ramp. go kids go. rich says the little girl sounds like maya, i think she is yelling and singing in spanish.

in our neighborhood at this time of night the sky turns a very cool shade of purplish blue.

today we got our first big bag of vegetables from myfarm. sadly our yard has not turned out to be incredibly productive so we are sharing vegetables with other myfarm members in our neighborhood while we work on boosting our soil, deciding on which plants can thrive back there, etc. the kids got very excited about the bag left in our backyard with apples, lemons, parsley, lemon cucumbers, greens, zucchini, lettuce, big beets, leeks, a turnip, some yellow squash, beans, and two orange squash flowers which i guess i should go online to find out how to cook.

this fits in with my new obsession, the deceptively delicious cookbook by jerry seinfeld's wife (sorry, that doesn't sound very feminist does it). i have been cooking vegetables and pureeing them night and day so i can sneak them into all our food. sweet potatoes in the pancakes, avocado chocolate pudding, choco chip cookies with chickpeas, butternut squash and broccoli in the red sauce for pasta, cauliflower puree in the mac and cheese, you get the picture.

wow, a half page of words and the loud happy kids seem to have quieted down and gone inside. the sky is very dark now with what appears to be a very bright star visible out our center window. laundry is tumbling in the dryer. the zucchini is calling me--put down that laptop, chop me up and make me into a cookie...

i have avoided what i am really thinking about, the decision between after school programs which i must make by tomorrow. it is kind of the whereshouldwelive decision, stick with what we have, which miles enjoys, and work on the kinks, which include safety and security and equity. or switch to a program that is safe and secure and takes us away from each other a little more. that probably only makes sense if i have talked to you about this already.

whoa, if i lean a little to the right now i can see a bright almost full moon shining down on me.

i am 41 and still confused about why the stars and moon seem to move so fast in the night sky. guess i have a lot to learn.

peace out

if you lived here you'd be home right now

i just talked to one of my good friends far away for 74 minutes, which was nice.

today was sweltering at 9 a.m. i took miles to his first class at pacific wushu where he learned, among many other things, how to do horse stance, salute, and do two kinds of splits. this is a goofy kid who i motherlyly envision participating in a creative drama group, or learning piano, but here he is running and jumping and kicking and punching and waving his legs in the air counting to ten in mandarin. and looking very proud of himself, indeed.

after getting one day closer to the fabled day you get to use a sword in wushu class we packed up and headed through the neighborhood to garfield pool. where the heck did all these hip looking people come from? i surely am not one of them. maya was looking pretty swell in her mermaid bathing suit, alternative ponytails and twinkle toes sketchers. we had unfancy food at casa sanchez and fancy ice cream at humphrey slocum (maya got pink lemonade, i got vietnamese coffee, miles had secret breakfast which had bourbon and cornflakes), then sat overfull and dazed under a big tree in garfield park waiting for the pool to open. i liked that miles knew one of the "poor kids from the projects" at the playground who is his age but runs around with a group of kids and not her mommy and daddy. i liked that they are school mates and played around a little bit and that he does not only know kids in his mandarin immersion world.

the pool was cold and loud and crazy with every hot kid for blocks around, spider man and sponge bob balls flying, shouts and laughter echoing off the old concrete walls. so joyous to cool down, the water, the noise, the taste of chlorine.

the cousins came over later and how cute is it to overhear two little cousin girls painting side by side at the table saying "i'll make mine for you, ok?" and "i'll make mine for you."

when i listen hard i hear a truck come thundering off the highway, maybe some country-ish music, miles sighing in his bunk bed, now some fast shrieky rock and a bus air-brake.

the sounds of morning are so much clearer and sweeter, mostly birds and more birds, a fresh bus going by, maya reading my anne lamott book to herself out loud.

goodnight

hmmm

okay, is anyone reading this or should i just keep these thoughts in my head? or give up on blogging and become a facebooker. or a hermit. or take up knitting, or start writing poetry, or just get some more sleep?

anyway, has anyone out there been reading about the repair california movement? i am intrigued but not so knowledgeable. this does fit in with the where should we live theme.

let me know what you think. wish we could all chat about this at the argus or the 500 club or someplace like that, but that is not going to happen anytime soon.

and why is it so ^*$##$^ hot?

sappy post

after a brief goodby hug and kiss my big kid only looked over his shoulder for me once as he shuffled into the first day of first grade in a mass of uniformed kids.

my heart is breaking, said maya burrowing into my shoulder.
why?
because my brother is so far away.

i feel it too. tomorrow is back to our fixed schedules of schools and work and being so far away from each other. hopefully there is enough summer in our hearts to get us through.

sorry for this sappy post. but my kids are growing up at too many miles per hour.

back to starr king mandarin tomorrow

awww. look how adorable these little rocker girls are. maya, sorry i mean princess leia, and i went down to the rock and make festival on treat street where we heard about three hours of bands, many of whom, i figured out, were closer in age to my kids than to me. oh well. i may be old but not freakishly old, and there was a 60+year old shirtless homeless guy breakdancing up front who seemed embraced by all the cute young-uns so i have a ways to go. there were lots and lots of parents jumping on the opportunity to go hear music they would not regret the next morning.

the kids were conditioned to like the music with free tootsie pops placed by a few singers' feet.

i still love live indie rock especially the lineup today who did not seem to take themselves at all seriously and who rocked out without their you know-whats out. free and during the day are especially sweet. take a few minutes out of your busy schedule and listen to some links. the drummer from the ferocious few had one of the best drumming styles i've ever seen. kim if you are reading this check out "the shes". lots of vendors more my age selling their jewelry and clothes and handbags and homeade soap and art and big ol' glam belt buckles.

am i just being optimistic or are people actually moving towards something a little more creative now that the last remnants of the dot com tsunami seem to have washed away?

back to school tomorrow. yes, we have signed our kid up for another year of mandarin immersion. our friend asked "what did miles do wrong to deserve that?" last year and sometimes i think we are torturing crazy parents but for now it is o.....k....ohhhhh....kaaaaaay.

random summer pictures of offspring

i love the siblings in this one. we are up in mendocino in lisa's car and by the look of brotherly love and appreciation in miles' eyes i think maya may have been talking about butt cheeks in a funny voice, a real crowd pleaser. maya was actually bossing me around from the seat of her little revolving whale at santa cruz. the backwards shirt trick thing is thanks to peter up in anchor bay.

nice sticker

thank you, kind person who out this sticker on the window of the 33 bus!

just killed about 2 hours reading lenore skenazy's free range children website and comments. verrryy interesting.

i'll post some pictures of the kids in case you forgot them,hahaha.

i can hear our young new neighbors partying downstairs

well, they are starting to make some noise down there. happy loud youngsters. i guess we used to be like them except we were ten times louder and stayed up blasting rock music until 2 in the morning. and let our dog poop in the backyard way too often. i really can't complain, except that i do miss our old downstairs neighbors and how our kids would run up and down the back steps visiting and giving us both little half hours of peace.

the school year starts back up tomorrow and i have my customary end of august nausea. blaaach.

miles will be in a new classroom, away from his best buddy and is very worried about it. when this best buddy was not at his camp last week miles suddenly felt like he was going to throw up, was bawling in my lap, and then his eye started hurting and he couldn't see. i had to hand him over to his counselor, all snotty and red-eyed, knowing the counselor thought i was just a weak mama.

maybe i am, and maybe it will be funny someday but right now (thanks a lot dr. sears) i am feeling his pain, his worry, fear about the unknown. he asked why the kids from his class last year can't be together and i don't know. why DO they split up these little elementary kids each year?

reality is, there are only a certain number of kids in a class, friends in your neighborhood, people in the world, and you are lucky to deeply connect with any of them.

at miles' school they sing make new friends and keep the old and it is so sweet but it is hard, hard to do. i guess we just have to do it.

on a totally different subject, or maybe not really, i saw the pbs documentary playing for change about this guy who travelled the world recording musicians playing and singing the same songs and then put all the tracks together and the result was pretty amazing. all covers of inspirational songs, musicians in israel, south africa, ireland, louisiana, santa monica, all over the place.

so now i want to try and start some kind of all ages music group. good covers only. rich plays guitar, i play drums, we have some interested friends, but who will organize the children?? any volunteers? shake, bang, sing and dance. on a regular basis. sing about love and peace and some funny stuff too.

they are settling down a bit now below. windy greyish purplish evening. listen, above the neighbors voices are car and truck rumblings, guinea pigs sipping on water bottles, a motorcycle, a wierd beep, a bus' air brakes, a distant car alarm, a wind chime. a man laughs loudly, heh heh heh heh.

goodnight dear ones

retreat

well, nobody really wants to hear a summary of our trip, do they?

sorry.

after a week in mendocino county swimming in rivers, playing on beaches, sipping on cider and bloody marys, cooking on fires, making shrinky dinks, being carless and chauffered, i felt a little bit, um, calm and relaxed. ahhh. we then headed to russian river for a stay with my mom and spent a day way back in time at johnson's beach taking turns kayaking, canoeing and paddle boating up the lazy green river with miles, checking out the swallows darting and swooping around. then 2 cheesy days in santa cruz, stuffing ourselves with crappy boardwalk food and then going on rides that swished or jerked the crappy food around. on our way home we stopped in at costanoa and ended up staying one extra day there, in a little cabin, soaking in a hot tub with a view of nothing but hills and sky and trees. i did end up sleeping outside on the floor of the deck because rich's snoring was so loud but it was actually pretty cool listening to the wind and ocean and random animal sounds. yesterday we celebrated my bday with julia and family as well as andy d, and julia and i snuck off for a trip to kabuki hot springs, with massage. i could spend all day in that room....wet sauna, cold plunge, hot pool, sit down showers, lotions and cucumber water everywhere, the gong of silence occasionally being rung.

now things are back to stress and worry--choosing maya's preschool, being audited (randomly, lucky me) by the state speech and language pathology board, looking at unrepaired and painted objects, piles of bills, a still unpacked duffel bag of dirty laundry.

but this getaway time was good, very good. i was kind of shocked to find myself not thinking and worrying about much at all. was it being in the country? possibly. or maybe just stepping out of the usual patterns that are so easy to fall into.

the kids were well-behaved!

i am trying to hold onto the peaceful country nature vibe. and also to appreciate those people and places around me, while not denying the part of me that longs to be with people far away.


i still love point arena. who wants to buy some land up there with me? we can build some tent cabins and a hot tub in the woods and hide out from the small town politics and enjoy the retreat.

up north

hi

today in anchor bay/gualala/point arena

the kids are up by themselves in the morning and i hear them being fed breakfast and then playing outside in the huge huge fenced in yard--maya, miles and toddler kevin. there are tall pointy redwoods, and blue sky and sun by 10. sam the black and white terrier is in love with us, especially miles. we load up and visit the anchor bay beach right down the hill. a small curved bay with rocks to climb on jutting out of the sand and surf, a few blond and red-haired kids digging a booby trap, a tidal pond to splash in. houses on the cliffs above with long skinny staircases down to the beach. a fisherman shows off his pile of orange rockfish. hawks are circling overhead and i bury the kids and cover them with sand: maya a mermaid with little sand boobies, miles a torso being swallowed by a shark. lisa tells the story of a tourist up here for a meditation retreat sitting on a rock in the sea, being swept away forever by a rogue wave.

in the afternoon we go to the gualala river and swim in the cold clear swimming holes. miles jumps off a rock, i even take a dip. kevin throws rock ofter rock to hear the plop, maya is miserable about the lack of a toilet as i help her crouch on rocks under flowers which turn out to be covered by buzzing bees, and we capture a tadpole in a cup with tiny tiny legs.

afterwards i treat us all to dinner in a child-friendly restaurant. the kids are perfect with two huge tvs to watch, and we bump into our one friend up here with a kid miles' age. they play tag on the outside deck looking over the huge pacific and no one cares.

it is huge and clean and beautiful up here. much as i dread and don't enjoy the journey from sf, it is worth it. it is midnight and dead silent and dark. if i stop typing i can hear the quiet ringing in my ears--do you know what i mean?

sweet dreams

keeping busy not taking the yearly trek back east and trying not to be sad about it

the peach tree is dropping about 25 ripe peaches onto the ground every day. on saturday maya and i took two bags out on a walk. we gave the first one to a speed freak guy who is almost constantly in motion around the neighborhood. we went into the little take out deli place to see if they had mason jars to seal up the peaches and they didn't, but the counter guy offered to trade us, which we did, a bag of peaches for a big delicious chicken tarragon sandwich and curried cauliflower salad.

we spent saturday night in brisbane celebrating julia's 40th with naked children dancing, margaritas, water balloons, maya and natalie disappearing for hours to play complicated pretend games while miles and edison happily beat on each other and the grownups got nostalgic. little russell did some head-banging to a thin lizzy song rich played on guitar. where should we live decision of the moment: if we flee the city it will be for brisbane. we can trade in what we've got for a terraced view of the bay and beyond, safety, quiet, christmas light stars and sports and sports and more sports.

sunday i took miles for some culture downtown, the sf free theater festival. we watched lots of adults entertaining kids--psychotic clowns, storytellers, physical comedy, pirates, jugglers. but what i loved where the kid entertainers. we saw our acquaintance isabel singing excerpts from the sound of music, an amazing grease with long-haired drummer and teenagers from the mission singing and dancing, but my favorite was a group called the habit project from petaluma. they were from about 10-17, all beautiful kids in white shirts and black pants, full of joy but somber, singing and playing guitar, very adult songs about being fucked up, being in love, making stupid decisions. while listening i didn't know what the theme was but knew it was deep and the kids were special. i was ready to sign miles up, even if he would be learning about drinking and bad relationships and adult stuff. somehow it all worked, it was beautiful.

we crawled home on two buses. my little big guy has taken to wanting to hold my hand again lately. he does a little skip thing most of the time instead of walking.

today he wore his school uniform to the park. the kids climbed, were friendly enough with strangers to play soccer with them, maya scored a little baby and stroller she took care of for a long time. maya and miles were on the seesaw for a long time, moving the weights back and forth, going up and down, up and down, some bumps but mostly laughing.

tomorrow we head up north to point arena. miss you
love, jamie

freedom from training wheels

man i love this stuff. ever since i was a child, going to newark community days and checking out all the arts and crafts booths and live music and hula hoops in the grass and even having a picture hung on a tree in the kids art show. i loved sunday streets in the mission today, with bicyclists blasting michael jackson off their bikes on the closed off streets, my kids walking and biking down what is usually a traffic-filled danger zone, so many happy people, bumping into friends, the freedom from training wheels workshop (miles is training wheel free now!). merchants outside their stores, jumpy castles governed by teenagers from the bernal dwellings, a duo playing songs about coffee and cigarettes, a man offering free massage in spanish and english on a massage table outside his house, and yes hula hoops on the grass.

only once every few weeks, but maybe these sunday streets events really will get some things rolling, maybe someday we will close off the streets once a week, or even more! more and more people will want bikes and want to spend time walking and talking on the wide neighborhood streets. who thought to make this happen? i want to thank them.

we had friends over later and ate burnt grilled chicken and drank just enough beer and the kids played star wars and went to bed happy and quickly.

the wind is blowing hard now, over and out, goodnight.

movie night

well, we survived the giant's county fair today with david and emily. the 48 bus and the fancy new t line took us to borders, we ate burgers and then went to a sleazy kind of carnival by the ballpark, full of vendors desperate for us to throw balls and rings at bottles and squirt water for prizes. miles and emily teamed up for the rides up to 48" and maya and i spent some peaceful moments on the baby rides together. no baby animals or giant vegetables around. afterwards we went to chill out in the grass by the waterfront. a dude was down there having a great time playing electric guitar all by himself and miles and emily and maya played along on their inflatable guitars won at the fair (maya actually played a giant inflatable hammer with pretty pink pirate skulls). we made the journey back up and over potrero hill and met up with a little girl from miles' school.

now it is movie night and the kids and rich are watching star wars for fifth consecutive friday.

i guess it is okay to say this--i have been very anxious lately. i am finally starting to do something about it. everyone tells me it is normal to be worried about things, but all this worry is really getting to be too much, and my world is shrinking. i won't go into the details. but, for those who know me, it does help to share.

does living in the city contribute to the anxiety? if there was no scary traffic outside would i worry about people breaking into the house and kidnapping the kids in a sleepy suburb instead? or about mountain lions carrying them away in the countryside?

this weekend is chock full of things to do. mandarin classes, friends' bbqs, visits with new friends. flipper playing, sunday streets in the mission with all kinds of cool stuff, freedom from training wheels workshop for miles. it's not boring to be here. maybe all this activity keeps some of the worry at bay. maybe it is all a wash. who knows.

maya wants me to watch star wars with her because she is worried about luke. so there you go. i'm going to go and hold her on my lap and watch the good guys prevail.

4th of july

here is the gang that stayed in sonoma for fourth of july, and the two cinder blocks miles and i found and tucked some mexican feather grass into to beautify (?) our sidewalk.

sonoma was all about warm weather and cannonballs in the condo pool, fireworks and the big parade, walks to the square, ducks and ducklings, wine, pizza, and kids getting to wander in and out of front doors without me having a panic attack. miles made a buddy at the pool through an elaborate squirt gun war that ended up with the little boys holding hands while jumping in the pool. maya discovered the joy of floating with water wings and channeled her inner mermaid for a long long time. this was the first time i left sonoma thinking "maybe we could live there, someday, maybe..."

there was one sexy odd float in the parade that got everyone excited, a huge step van with pole dancers on the outside, something butthole surferish playing, a man with a microphone intoning wierd prose about liberty and an amazing vibe that brought me back to me experimental youth--past burning man and parties in philly to the distant past of newark and DAMON KHAN. something about the sight and music of this float actually got me teary eyed, i miss this feeling so much, i want to be on a float like this that gets the sonomans laughing and a little confused, i need my creative partners to be with me and my kids as i slip into my 40s.

rich suggested our own float for next year, "relatives of josy". anyone want to join?

and let's keep fighting for freedom--why do we have less freedom on an institutional level than much of the "first world"???

july 1

maya loving herself some pinata and miles in an abandoned fort on epic angel island, on our hike to quarry beach.

the apartment below us is empty. i had some hopes for a friendly family to move in, maybe even friends, but it will be taken by four women, strangers, though as i keep telling maya, not all strangers are bad.

an acquaintance at a birthday party on beautiful sunday in a lovely potrero home told me she had left sf and moved across the street from her best friend in albany and how she was loving it, and i felt a hard pang of jealousy. the kids ended up buck naked, we drank margaritas and chatted, they climbed in boxes and maya sang about butt cheeks and miles watched entranced as his little naked girl buddy did an interpretive dance standing on a cardboard box, about a flower growing up, on a stormy night.

today we went to the samurai exhibit at the asian art museum and it was all very amazing and old but i did not feel connected to the art or the artists. on the way home miles and i found a new seafood store on 24th street, with live crabs and lobsters, eel, huge shrimp. he said to the owner in mandarin "i like to eat fish."

birds are going crazy outside. we made a plum pie with plums from the yard yesterday and it was delicious.

love you, miss you