pathetic parenting moment

last night i trailed behind a fast-moving and funny dragon composed of a bunch of fast-moving and funny 2nd-4th graders in the chinese new year parade. in front of the dragon were the bunny dancers and fan dancers. it was a cold and drizzly night and i felt very alive in the bright lights and music, sipping a delicious manhattan a fellow parent handed me mid-parade as we wound our way through the downtown streets.

maybe this is wierd narcissism, immaturity, obsessive thinking, getting older, who knows, but lately more and more when i am feeling the most alive, joyful, amazed, or loved i also think about dying. it happens more and more. i felt it last night as part of a spectacle, this fierce love of being alive and the thought of being dead. i know this is a subject i need to come to grips with a little better. maybe it is time to get some religion unless anyone has a better suggestion.

tonight, my seven-year-old dragon dancer surprised me by echoing my thoughts. in a happy family moment, drawing together at the table he looked right at me and said "i hate thinking that i'm going to die." my pathetically inadequate response was to hug him and say "then don't think about that."