can't see clearly right now

went out last night to a hip rooftop restaurant for a sweet birthday celebration, twinkly views of the city and bay and bridges, heat lamps, pomegranete mojitos, and some nice get to know you talk with some cool ladies.i found myself talking a lot about the old subject of my urban tribe/community dispersing and how my best friend got away. but with some kind of new distance from these losses--like there was possibility for good new things in the future if we stick it out here.

then today i was oh so way too easily pulled into a depression. there must be hormones involved. we had a short afterschool playdate with a friend and of course schools came up. my friend used the words sacrifice, prison, and bullying in relation to her public school experience and this 5 minutes or so of talk sent all my fragile and new decisions about staying here and sending the kids to sfusd tumbling downhill. so, let's look at things. out of our big gang of friends who had babies here in sf so far two are still here, about 7 left, and of my newish friends who actually are planning to stay here it is starting to sound like most are sending their kids to private school. as another friend said, if we are staying in the city because we like it and know it's not the best for the kids, then the least we can do is to send them to private school.

am i just a delusional dummy? are all my friends in east bay, up north, in the midwest, scraping up funds for private school, wrong? i can tell you, i love my little ones more than anything in the world, and i just want them to have good and happy lives. right now i feel like crying. rich and i are just getting by, and now i'm feeling like maybe we are screwing our kids over. it isn't helping that miles is in a phase where he is so uneasy about who he is, how to deal with his world as he grows up in it. i just can't seem to see clearly about this. i need better vision so i can do right by my children. i want to know what is best for them.

miles has pennied to sleep in his new trundle bed. he cried again when i dropped him at school this morning, burying his head under my shirt. he seemed ok later, but a little loud and frantic. he has rediscovered a satin baby blanket that his grandparents gave him at his birth, and for the first time is treasuring it, bringing it to school, cuddling it to sleep. he is cuddling his babyhood. maya is coughing a little on the monitor, probably dreaming of my gym, elmo, baby beluga in the deep blue sea. rich has departed for his cover band practice. i am waiting for things to clear up. i need them to.