well, i finally had a panic attack on a bridge. not a complete shock, but a really crappy thing to happen. driving the kids to meet my mom at the bay area discovery museum i glimpsed the gg bridge from far below. i had a moment of unusual fear as i saw that stick of road stretching out high above the water. i should have pulled over. but i am tired of fears and phobias and tried to just power through. as i drove onto the bridge i saw that there were only two lanes going north, which forced me to break my usual bridge thing, which is to drive in the middle lane. my heart started feeling wierd. i started breathing wierd. feeling dizzy. hands and feet disconnected. i put on my hazards and started to slow down. versions of this had happened before. but i really couldn't drive, and i was WAY UP HIGH ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. i stopped the car. i started talking to myself ( miles didn't realize this) "i can't drive, i'm having a panic attack." i started crying. a very very kind fatherly iron worker climbed out from under the bridge and made eye contact with me. he motioned about a tow truck, it was going to be ok, and i tried to communicate with him that the car was ok, it was me, he could drive my car over the bridge. by then a very nice police/security/patrol woman of some sort was beside me. i was trying not to cry. a tow truck was in front. she was talking about us getting out of the car and pushing my car over the bridge. or a tow truck pulling it. all i can say is that i didn't feel too great and was not happy with these options and just kept insisting tearfully that someone get in the car with me and drive over the bridge. there was no personnel. finally the iron worker offered to drive, which was a big relief. he drove and said soothing things about how his sister in law couldn't drive on bridges, how natural the fear was, how he saw dogs that were terrified. as he dropped me off he suggested i google hoppers hands. i was a little out of it but i thought he said something about his website or something like that. as soon as we were across i was fine. disgusted and frustrated with myself and feeling very fragile, but fine to drive. we had a nice time at the museum with my mom. then she had to drive me across and get a ride (with the same nice patrol woman, who had many ideas about bridge panic attacks) back to her car at the museum.
so, possible precipitating factors:
-a lot of snippets of earthquake news and conversation lately
-rich mentioning the words bridge and dangerous when i told him yesterday about our marin meeting plan, possible bad weather, him knowing my anxiety level
-a lot of (good, but tough) emotion being unearthed in my wonderful creative writing class
-the unfamiliar lane situation
-the familiar tiredness
-the high anxiety about kindergarten search
-who knows?
all i know is that this stinks for me. i feel like my world is getting smaller. the bay area isn't the greatest place in some ways for someone with fears of heights, bridges, cliffs. i felt so relieved to be back in the city where the ground is solid underneath our wheels. but the earthquake fear is there somewhere too.
anyway, i looked up hoppers hands and i'm not 100% sure but i guess the bridge iron worker who took care of me and was so kind is some kind of local hero--an iron worker who is also a suicide prevention counselor for the bridge
thank you to hopper, the patrol lady, and of course, my mom
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3 comments:
That's happened to me too. But instead of a bridge it was on the extension from 101 to the san mateo bridge.
I don't know how I got across the SM bridge.
It's a scary thing to have a panic attack.
It hasn't happened to me since. But I always think about it when I go over a bridge.
Maybe it won't happen to you again either. Hope so!
Hi,Glad you got home safely.Hope you and your kids had nice day after our visit in the middle of the Bridge. Most folks do not understand panic attacks.I had to try'n explain it to some fellow Ironworkers later that day. Warm Regards,Ken (http://www.myspace.com/hoppershands)
Not to downplay what a great guy Ken is, but all of the ironworkers who work on the bridge had been trained to talk down people from the structure of the bridge, since ironworkers are the ones familiar with and trained to work on that height on the steel. You did find a particularly good person to have a panic attack by. I had done a rotation as an apprentice on the bridge about 10 years ago. Ken's been a sweetheart.
As for fears on the bridge--even working on the steel gets a little spooky. Some of it is trust of the material. The GGB has made it through earthquakes and major storms and the weight of thousands of people walking across and flattening the camber (50th anniversary). It's also going through a major retrofit of materials, so all it's parts have been gone through by multitudes of engineers in the last few years.
The bridge deck itself is reinforced and quite strong. The trusses have also been retrofitted--steel has an amazing capacity to twist and bend and stretch without breaking. If there are any bits that the rust have gotten to, the painters work constantly painting and re-painting the bridge, so they tend to notice anything out of the norm. The chances of the bridge suddenly coming apart are pretty slim--but there is also the slim chance that you might happen to be driving over the painter's scaffold which hangs under the bridge.
Panic attacks seem to be loops of thoughts that point toward doom. Maybe some more factual information about what you are afraid of will help break up the loop.
Good luck.
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