this one goes out to the ancient tribe of yusakuta

we slogged through the last week or so of fevers, stomach flus, and missed turkey opportunities. nothing like a 104 fever to make you appreciate your child. now all seem to be well, although i sense bugs still lurking about our home.

i joined facebook and it has been whipping me around through a swamp of thoughts and emotions. first there is the revisiting of many out-of-sight out-of -mind relationships, ith all the accompanying memories and what-ifs. but more disturbing i think is that every time i see the "what are you doing right now?" i am doing nothing of interest, have just completed nothing of interest, and am about to do nothing of interest. i am playing with the kids. i have just returned with the kids. the kids and i are off to another birthday party. all these OTHER people seem to be doing fascinating things, like creating thanksgiving walls or rendering lard, or being excited about sports teams or, umm, just stuff i don't do.

rich's band played on wednesday night and i really really wanted to go but couldn't scrape upp a babysitter. it was probably a good thing because the stomach bug bit me hard at about 5 a.m. but at around 11, when the kids were asleep, and i knew many of my friends were having drinks at the eagle, making jokes and sitting elbow to elbow at the bar, listening to some cool opening band, i felt pretty crappy. not only do i not play music or create anything fun on my own anymore, i don't even go see others do this. it was a low enough moment, feeling true very immature jealousy, that made me realize i absolutely positively need a creative project.

so i can seem cool on facebook. so i can not be envious of rich. so my kids will be able to see that moms don't just stay home and take care of kids.
because i miss it.

cute, eh?

here is a picture miles drew when he had a 104 fever last night. he is feeling better now, thank you. i know i am his mom, but that is pretty darn cute, isn't it? fish with pink fins and big lips? symmetrical rainbow hills topped by happy crabs?

maya is a princess painting with her fingers in princess world. i have to say i have been getting in touch with my inner pink princess lately, maya's influence is powerful, and i am noticing pink and cute everywhere. i am trying hard to ensure she doesn't buy the disney princess is hurt by unattractive jealous older woman, falls asleep, and is rescued by prince with his kiss story as the only story out there. today she made her princess, riding a pink unicorn, attack a violent sting ray, so i think she will be abrave princess,not a wimpy one.

anyway, reality here is that everyone is sick with what looks like the flu. i am okay...for now. we have hunkered down all day while i tried not to look out the window at the beautiful sunny day. we have had some rough city days with the stuff on the sidewalk left by homeless people and my conflicted feelings as i called the police twice to ask sleeping people to move. i don't want my princess tripping and falling on any scary garbage, but at least one of these homeless campers is a friendly and nice guy who always has a big smile for the kids, and who i hear singing to himself in a sweet voice sometimes early in the morning. however, last night was nice. the waitress at punjab who has known miles since babyhood, and who always said he was a handsome boy, was so excited about his writing 1-10 in chinese characters that she kissed him a bunch and told him she loved him. we also stopped at virginia howell across the street and little one-year-old miles and big miles played for a while in the store. my apologies if little miles caught the bug that gave miles a crazy fever an hour later.

anyway, sickness makes things a little wierd, so this post is especially rambly. i have also joined facebook and have been swept back, back, back into the past. faces from high schoola nd even before. are we still the same people now that we were then? are relationships carried through two line emails for over thousands of miles after 20 years so qualitatively different from face to face friendships that they are something altogether different? anyone from long ago reading this...come visit. we will make you something good to eat and drink some wine and talk about the past, if the loud kids will let us.

3 parties one day

today was a tough day. lots of crying and misery and neighbors all around to hear it. hopefully we will all get some restorative sleep.

maybe today was somehow related to yesterday...three birthday parties in one day--with no tears or tantrums at all. we spent the morning at the skate park celebrating jonah's 6th. friends and friendly friends of friends, lots of talk about work and kids and all the little dudes skating around on the sidewalk--and then abandoning this work to play pirates. and eat cake. then miles and i headed to the new world of his school buddy's high-density condo complex downtown. i was kind of amazed at the indoor courtyard and the mixed use neighborhood. it would be so easy here--a gym, a food store, a library, a bus, all on the block. and no poor elderly man walking around in his hospital shirt, pants down around his knees, wearing NO UNDERWEAR (we saw this guy yesterday between birthday soirees and he made such a big impact on miles that he had a dream about it). the kids i picture miles being shy around were within minutes speaking googoo with him, wrestling, chasing in circles, and one little girl was even riding on his back. then it was off to the quiet peace of brisbane, where most of the homes are festooned with giant lighted pentagrams and we celebrated the second bday of calvin, who may be the number one slugger in the tiny blonde baby league. the kids tried to catch the neighbor's cat with various evil traps until it was too dark

so, maybe the kids with their cake hangovers weren't the only ones miserable today. too much stimulus for me. our neighborhood, with some cool folks but some yucchy piles of stuff and nudity too, and the ever-present knowledge that more good friends will be fleeing this city for a home of their own to own soon? downtown clean and glassy and removed from the dirt on our ground? or a little town close by, where no one locks the door and all was quiet as we drove home at 7:00? and all the couples--watching them manage being couples, and all the parents-- watching them manage their kids, and all the kids growing up with supersonic speed and my two babies navigating it all as best they can.

sometimes i really don't feel wise enough to help them grow up.

too many options, too much sugar. a preview of the holiday season. time to focus on where we are, who our family is, and of course christmas presents. can we make them this year? can we not fly into the tornado of greed and letdowns? the kids have been studying toy catalogues and even maya is starting to say what she wants "for halloween"

will we help out at a shelter somehow with our kid?

again there is no focus with this post and i am sorry, but somehow all these thoughts will compost someday, and become something fresh and new.

other people's projects

here are a few images of other people's projects. the first is miles tromping through the drizzle at cayuga park.
i included a link to a little local video someone made of the park because it fits in with the post topic, but really, you have to go there! there are hundreds of cool wood sculptures but also, for the kids, little trails and tree forts to climb on and in. high above on a rail swooshes the bart train. ONE person, demetrio braceros has made this little park his life's work (or maybe he has other work too, i don't know, but just these carvings alone look like they must have taken, in miles estimation, sixty one thousand years.

also are photos of children made from broken glass we saw at galleria de la raza on day of the dead night, also more amazing in real life. and a picture miles made to put on the altar for his teacher who mysteriously died last year.

right now i (don't worry mom, i won't) really want to quit my job and sink myself into a huge PROJECT. i've been dreaming about playing music again, writing a book (about ferns, dreams are wierd), even transforming our backyard. right now this little blog is about all the project time i get, and i'm only getting that because the kids are staring at the boobtube down the hall. maybe all the election elation about change has sunk into me, i want a change for me, and to work for some big changes for others. i love my students at work, but doing what i do through the frustrating restraints created by the huge school district administration is making me want to get out and make some of my own big changes in the world, get into my own big and little projects.

did that make any sense? not much sleep last night.

love ya

here's what i have been listening to on repeat for 2 hours solid:
sleep, sleep, sleep sleepyhead
sleep, sleep, snuggle in your bed
i will keep you safe and warm,
so sleep, sleep, sleep sleepyhead
from the music together summer songs cd. pretty classical guitar and a woman singing in a sweet high voice. maya has been napping for more than 2 hours, and i have spent this time in my underwater nest, rain falling, listening to this peaceful music, making lentil soup, talking to my dad on the phone. we needed this rain, the geranium out on the deck has a bright red bloom now. rich was away all weekend partying and playing music in seattle while the kids and i did trick-or-treating, birthday parties, and the day of the dead procession. a highlight of the weekend was pretending to be a monster in twlilight at the water park, sitting on the darkening ground as miles and maya ran just past me, shrieking with laughter, and i reached out to grab them. over and over and over until their cheeks glowed red under the streetlight. in studio 24 there were amazing life-size sculptures of children made out of tiny frito-size pieces of sharp broken glass. miles made a picture for his teacher who passed away last year to put on an altar at garfield park. i just found out my sister and family are moving to delaware.

i have this nagging feeling lately that time is going by too quickly, and that there is too much of my life in the past. i think this feeling wouldn't be so bad if so many people i've loved in the past weren't so far away. then they would seem like the present, not the past or even a visit in the future. same old song.

maybe just some evolutionay thing. the days are getting shorter and darker and i just want to hunker down and listen to sleepy music with my kids, eat homeade soup and watch the raindrops hit the glass.

photos are at the boo at the zoo, and then the parade at starr king. maya was very brave and joined the group of big fairies and princesses. miles was wolverine.

xo