boom

well, it is the eve of the due date for miles' paperwork to participate in the san francisco chinese new year's parade. yikes. he's been attending the weekly practices, where they march around the schoolyard for an hour holding hands, and after these practices miles is (extra) teary/sensitive/angry/tired, but insists he likes it. insists he wants to be in the parade next weekend. i don't think he has any clue what he is getting into. here is the scoop: drop your five-year-old off at the school at 2 in the afternoon, where they get to dress up in cool little costumes. then they ride on a bus to chinatown and get ready for the 2 mile parade in front of thousands and thousands and thousands of people. fireworks, dragons, stops and starts. rain? then they get back on a bus and we pick them up at 9 at the school. two hours past bedtime.

i've been in a lot of parades. dressed as a orange paper painted pumpkin skipping down main st newark on a sunny halloween weekend, scooping candy off the street. marching in lines down a slippery boardwalk playing flute badly on a slippery boardwalk in atlantic city for the miss america parade. overheating playing trumpet badly in disneyworld. so, will it be fun?? i am feeling like such a mama. if i could march too and check in with my little dude, to see if he is overwhelmed by it all, and ready to blow up, his little face screwing up. because he really is still a little guy. but i can't march, and there will be huge crowds so i won't be able to keep up with his group. and his beloved teacher won't be there because 2 miles is too long for a nine-month preggers lady. there will be other nice moms and teachers and kids. it will be intense and beautiful and loud.

should i sign the forms? or should i play loser mommy who forgot to turn them in, sorry, my fault, you can't be in the parade...

i wish it was a tiny main street parade, a soft, gentle little parade with good access to my baby, but that's not what we've got going on here, is it?

sigh.

hot tub!

this photo was taken moments before i left my children and, poor pitiful me, had to go to an, ahem, conference for the weekend.

so the kids got to get spoiled by daddy and i spent my weekend in calistoga, under a perfect blue sky with a few clouds and breeze...(in chronological order)

going to two fantastic wineries where my girlfriends and i sipped lots of expensive varietals from big glasses in front of statues and fireplaces. eating raw oysters and drinking irish coffee at the main street bar. soaking in the hot spring pools for three hours, floating on my back and looking at palm trees and clouds. fancy farm to table dinner with more wine.
more hot springs and very buzzed talk. sleep. eggs benedict with crispy little potatoes. lots of good coffee. slow drive home past vineyards, hawks, bitterns, hills, the bay. survived trip over bridge with no earthquake. kids overjoyed to see me and everyone is fine.

why did i wait almost 6 years to take 30 hours for myself?

***********

for those of you who want kid quotes miles said this morning:

"mommy, sometimes i like homeless people because they can't GET stuff so they MAKE stuff."
(makes pained smile i'm-trying-to-understand-how-things-work face) "I know it's not good for THEM."

i like that he feels admiration rather than pity.

my best friend is coming to visit soon! hurray! get ready.
xo

kids with runny noses and dragon

a post in the format of the classic children's book "fortunately"

fortunately we got out of the house on time this morning
unfortunately it started raining halfway up the hill
fortunately the 48 bus came promptly right along
unfortunately the beeatch driver did not honor my request to get on the bus and see if someone had change for a 10
fortunately a man in a tree care van pulled up and offered us a ride
unfortunately i used terrible judgment and hopped in with the kids
fortunately it turned out he was the husband/dad of the our nice neighbor mom and maya's little friend
unfortunately after a sweet hour back home making banana bread and playing princess and ninja turtles with maya we went outside to find someone had shattered the car window and ripped out the car stereo
fortunately my daughter is a champ who told her crying mother that it was okay, she would read me a story and that would make me feel better


this could go on and on. what is really bad right now is that one of the little students i know is very very sick, so send your positive wishes to him. makes you hug your own kids tighter, feel lucky, etc etc, but it is true. all these little ups and downs are just fine. i don't even have bad feelings toward the window smasher. i know nothing about him (but i guess it's a him).

last night i speed read the rest of last child in the woods by richard louv. not a work of hard science, and the ideas are mostly familar, but it packs a wallop. a parenting book spliced with worldchanging and ecotopia. it's all so true, about this generation of kids missing out on nature. makes me want to just start pickaxing all the roads around here, tearing down the fences of our little sectioned backyards, quitting my job and going into the nature/adventure park business in san francisco, or, and i haven't thought this for a while, fleeing the city. to where? some little green village somewhere? again, i want to live by a river. how can i get this river time to my children? can i help dig up mission creek?

but fortunately i like that we have kind neighbors
and fortunately we have many beautiful green spaces we can bring our kids to if we get off ourlazy you know whats
and fortunately a car window is not bank-breaking

here is a picture of a dragon miles' kinder class made. i know this is not a great post but it has not been a great week, so excuse me.

happy chinese new year

sugar and potty picture

today was a swirl of old disney princess music, pink icing, pink balloons, little girls in princess dresses, tiaras, magic wands, little stickers and buttons and glue, flowers, pretend glass slippers, pink punch ladled out into little fake crystal cups, strawberries, and for a clean up break, mary poppins.

and of course maya, the star of the day, three-years-old. i know every mom is a proud one, but i just gotta say it, this kid is so freakin adorable, i just want to tell her i love her all day long, she's even great when she is acting up, she's just awesome. so cute and sweet and funny and nice and her imagination blows me away. and part of me is sad she is growing up so fast, but that's the way it goes, right?

to balance out this sappy post i will attach a picture from the other child i adore. i know the spelling is not so hot, but c'mon, he's still five, and in mandarin immersion to boot. if you can't read the caption it says rock poop guitars.

love and goodnight.

options

it was a busy day, my mom visited. the weather perfect, warm, sunny, a little wind. we took the kids to a hilarious magic show at the randall museum, then hiked up to the top of the peak there. we drove across the city and met mike and family at the legion of honor, where we checked out some art, heard a guitarist playing princess dance music outside, climbed the king statue and soaked in the the ocean and trees.

quotes of day:
maya (very loudly, a few times, looking at big bronze sculptures in the museum): i want to touch his penis!
miles (eating a tasty dessert, after hearing my mom rave about the museum lunch): it's not about the art, it's all about the food.

when we were at the magic show we bumped into an old acquaintance i met through a kid channel a few years ago. i asked how things were going with her child and was told things were finally going better, thanks to me. i had been concerned about this child after first meeting her, and had struggled with the decision to push this child's diagnosis and treatment forward by stepping in, or to let the parents and teachers figure things out on their own time. i decided to be brave and say what i thought, that this child was not just having behavior problems, or odd, moody, etc etc. but was on the autism spectrum. and he is. it is hard to combine your professional and personal lives, and risk alienating people. but it is a good thing to get this diagnosis when people think you are just behaving badly all the time.

sometimes i feel like my work is kind of worthless. but this made me feel good, that i have acquired some knowledge that can actually impact a family, can make things move in the right direction for them. not sure how to relate this topic to "should we flee the city". but maybe part of staying here is that i shouldn't stagnate and stop enjoying my job, but dig deep and see what it is i do love about it, and then take advantage of these big city resources and move in that direction. specialize. grad school? private practice? be a part-time consultant and spend the rest of the time doing greening projects, writing a book, who knows??

there are a lot of options in this big city full of beautiful children.

counting

maya is really into counting lately. counting not quite accurately, but for a long time. after 29 comes a mumbled 21 again, i think. sometimes she tries it in mandarin to be like her brother.
yesterday walking down 23rd street she wanted to "count the garbage" in each tree pit. she counted a lot of garbage.

all this garbage seems to represent something. draw your own conclusions, i don't want to rant like some middle-aged conservative about the people who just don't care, raised wrong, people not connected to their community, etc. it is deeper and sadder than that, really. a neighborhood full of people tossing their trash on the ground, and a little girl counting it on a foggy morning.

here is maya flying in the pink sky and channeling a mermaid at gg park.

i have insomnia again lately.

buh bye

listy post

i just wrote a lot and deleted it. what it said was---i don't want to work the job i have and raise little kids at the same time.

anyway, tomorrow things start up again, just after we finally found a little groove around here. modern life, sigh. yesterday i got inspired and finally made use of the aquarium i found on the street 6 months ago. the kids and i went to the garden store and paxton gate, where we saw many amazing things. stuffed (taxidermied??) creatures--stoat, raccoon, antelope, lion, mice in crazy costumes, bat and butterfly bodies, strange rocks and crystals (from outer space says miles authoritatively), raccoon and fox claws, orchids, electroplated devil's claws, bugs in amber, porcupine quills, old nature books, walking sticks, special knives, beach glass, the list goes on and on. somehow this place is comforting, not creepy, although i can't put maya down for a second without her fingers latching onto a delicate bird skeleton, a fragile glass bell, a 50$ orchid (pink flowers). at home we layer the rocks, charcoal, dirt, and then make a little tiny world for our new and old plants. miles completes the scene with plastic wolf and baby rhino which i can tolerate. good luck little plants. we will try to take care of you. maya please put down the spray bottle.

today we all went to the beach and built a giant sandcastle kingdom, complete with sandy wet roses from the tideline, stick bridges, a rock that said love which i found and miles told rich he had found but then admitted the truth, a fort for the bad guy (tigger), and rocks for cars to bring bad guys and good guys back and forth from various locations. of course it ended in someone crying with a face full of sand but for a while it was just me lying on a blanket with my hat pulled down low, feeling the sun and sand, listening to far away voices and waves and watching tiny clouds drift over the marin headlands.

and i used one of my xmas gift certificates tonight, at christopher's books. lately i am overwhelmed by bookstores and don't know what to go for. i found myself in the psychology section for a long time, holding books with titles like "happiness" and knowing i wouldn't buy. i ended up with the road (cormac mcarthy), the lorax (dr you know who), a small journal to carry around and write fascinating insights in, a book of short stories by lorrie moore, and last child in the woods.

time to go read now. nighty night.
xo

new year's day

on the 30th the kids and i rode bart to albany to visit laura lee and gang. we whooshed under the bay with only a little nervousness, and then travelled elevated rails over the soundless vistas of west oakland backyards, poverty looking pretty from up above. we ended up sleeping over at her house, completely exhausted by our kids who were pretty much holding back nothing, their aggressions, needs, every desire. at one point i was almost jogging through safeway searching for maraschino cherries to top the ice cream one child had been promised in return for cooperation, thinking, this can't be right, we must be out of our minds. i got my parenting book in the mail, how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.

on the return trip new year's eve day we walked out of the bart station and encountered the guy who plays johnny cash. big, tall, young, black leather jacket covered with semi-punk stickers, sunglasses of course, the kids gave him fifty cents each and wanted to stay and listen. his voice and guitar almost exactly like johnny cash. he asked for requests and maya said twinkle twinkle, which he tried and failed johnny cash style. he then played a song about a young skate pro and a princess which made everyone pretty happy. miles skateboarded the 10 blocks down 24th street.

and i ended up buying a ticket online to see the butthole surfers for new year's eve, rich's suggestion. of course miles cried when i left. i walked over to shannon's slowly, stopping for wonton soup at punjab where a woman waiting for take out told me her daughter's school woes and ended up telling me it was great to meet you as i filled her in about some good schools she probably wouldn't like anyway. she had chosen her daughter's school beccause it was clean and had a security camera. a cold night, christmas lights still on, disco blaring from one decorated window. ended up taking the bus and having a great time with a bunch of friends at the fillmore.

of course i felt a little ill at seven a.m., and told miles so. he came back to my bed with a plate containing a red apple with the sticker, a piece of bread with a tiny smudge of butter,and a big glass of water. i got healthy things for you, he said, because you said you were ill. i'm trying to care about you.

aww. happy new year.

p.s. the picture is a miles and jamie collaboration. i drew the tree trunk in foreground, tree with white leaves, red mushroom, fern, words "deer crossing", and the last bit of road going up the mountain. maya is the brave girl in the orange dress ascending the stairs to the crazy concrete slide in golden gate park.