balance?? denial??

this weekend rich was away and my mom came to visit. we packed the weekend. saturday morning we met at the exploratorium, home of some of the world's greatest toys, where we made instruments, recorded a radio show, played with sand and magnets and air and beach balls and metal waves, observed a decomposing rat, danced in front of rainbow lights, made a steam tornado, and more. afterwards we sat outside and watched young brides and grooms being photographed by the palace of fine arts, and saw a blue heron and a turtle in the water. we walked across the windy street to chrissy field and played in the sand, looked at sailboats on the bay and volleyball players and a ground squirrel. the next day we went to a fancy plant nursery and i listened to a presentation on vertical gardens while the kids made planters out of recycled plastic bottle cloth and paper. we ate out on 24th st at punjab and then miles and i played a little basketball (he beat me) while maya played with grandma josy. she departed, rich returned, and right before dinner i walked with maya to the skate park, enjoying the last of a beautiful day. someone had pooed in the play structure, maya spent her time petting little dogs, and i met a san francisco parents for public schools founder and heard about an alternative budget they are proposing to keep cuts away from the classrooms. she brought me right back to the reality of what is going on with education right now--the words people are using are "horrible", "ridiculous", "crisis".

so, science, music, nature, beauty they are all close around us and that is part of why we are here in this city. and close up to are the budget cuts and swelling classrooms and poo on the play structure.

talking to my mom late at night during the sleepover conversation came back to concern over the crazy economy and basic state of the world. she tries not to think about the future too much and concentrates on enjoying her life, which makes perfect sense. she has spent much of her life taking care of her kids and now helping with grandkids. she is teaching kids about nature up there in sonoma and singing in a choir and learning spanish. she is not freaking out about what the world will be like for her grandkids in 20 years because she does not want to feel bad. i am in a wierd state where i am thinking about the bigger world so much, how we should be socialists, vegetarians, walkers, you name it, thinking about how to make things better in the future for the kids. however, in my real life i am not doing many of these things. i am spending money on museums, succulents, eating chinese food in a restaurant when i could be giving my time and money to, well, lots of nobel causes.

seems like the worse things get in the outside world the quicker i feel off balance in my own. i am positively dizzy lately. right now i am going to put some strings up in the back yard for pea plants to climb. then get my kids and try to have some fun with them. it is hard to feel balanced without feeling denial, but this is something i am just going to have to work out.