secret stairs

ouch, what did i do? my back is killing me. i am hobbling around feeling covered with aches.

today maya and i went to pick up miles from his camp in gg park. we parked near the conservatory of flowers and went in, but maya thought it was no fun. we spotted some steps that went down under jfk drive, and went to check them out. it was a little dark and the ceiling was cracked. on the opposite stairs sat a goofy young man in white sunglasses playing guitar through an amp. we sat to listen and he handed us two maracas and played us wierd renditions of wheels on the bus and yellow submarine. then an older man came through the tunnel to say hello, playing a recorder wildly. we decided to keep going and found some secret steps. "these are our secret stairs, secret stairs" maya chanted. we ended up at the arboretum where we met turtles and squirrels, and maya chose which way to go each time there were two paths to choose from.

more birdland

this is not great photography. not even half-decent photography. i was just excited to finally see the robin family. a while ago i found a bright blue egg lying in the brown mulch in the yard. we could not find the nest. and for weeks there have been robins in the yard, very big and present back there. i have seen them flying away with worms dangling from their beaks, worms that i bought at sloat nursery to improve our soil. we have been hearing a steady chorus of cheeps from out back. today i followed the bird sounds and found three very small robins sitting on a branch in the tipitina tree (this is what rich calls it, i am not sure that's the name). a leggy tree with soft leaves and purple flowers. they flew up when they saw me and reconvened on this telephone wire. i am so pleased with all the life out there.

old kid world faces

lately at camps and parks and birthdays i have been seeing old friends from the kid world. which is only a seven-year-old world and already filled with many layers. there's ashley, the teacher from miles' first preschool, and a kid from that preschool in his camp, and there's another familiar face--how do i know you? oh yes, you are laura lee's buddy and the last time i saw your 7 year old he was not crawling yet. oh hi, yes, from teacher willa's city college class. look how cute and tall she is now. hey, we knew you when the kids were tiny--remember baby jam at our house? there's zephyr, he came to our house once to play, they live a block away. and leo, remember when he and miles were toddlers together fighting over trains? jonah and rye, you are so huge and adorable now, so glad to see you! what is wierd about this is that is seems like so many of the kids we have met since kid world began are still around, growing fast, their siblings who were mere cute blobs in carseats now running around with lightsabers, but all of the kids born to the friends i loved in my life before parenthood have moved away. yes, i am so sorry to tell this sad old story again, but it is true. seems like we know half the kids in this city, and there are tons of them, and great to see them, but the ones i really want to be bumping into, well not just bumping into but seeing for every birthday and the kids whose parents i would love to be bbqing with are all gone. yes, i know part of it is my fault because i have let the bridges come to represent huge huge obstacles. but i am missing you this summer, and your photos are not enough.

my summer education on kalw

i've had a little free time to stay home alone, read, unsuccessfully move our crappy beat up furniture around to try and figure out what looks right, feel like sisyphus (sp?) putting my children's toys away, pull weeds, water plants, and harvest vegetables.

today i just baked a plum pie with plums from the tree out back. if you read this and live nearby come on over and have some.

i am amazed by the stories i have been hearing mid-day on kalw. they are actually making me laugh, cry, and even gasp a little alone in my flat. some of the most amazing have been on the moth radio show, ira glass, and the sound of young america. if you find yourself with some free time to listen, treat yourself to these shows.

23rd ave at clement

i drive out here at 8pm to see a dresser from craigslist.

sweet country music is wafting from el grande produce where small asian ladies are shopping for fruit on the sidewalk. i am parked in front a pyschic palmreader store with a life size golden balinese staue in the window. underneath it an adorable chihuahua stands on his hind legs, looking out. an older man wearing a cowboy hat sitting outside a little market with fancy bongs in the window whistles at his friend across the street. his friend comes over and they sit on a bench and pass a bowl to each other in the dusk. a toddler is laughing and talking in spanish pointing at the japanese toys in pui may houseware's storefront. an attractive blond couple walks by deep in conversation, arms around each other's waists. two sweaty young asian men cross the street talking about a teaching credential. a billboard advertising the genghis khan exhibit watches over us all.

and i instantly like the man selling the dresser. we talk for about half an hour and then he drives the dresser across the city and carries it up my stairs. he and his wife and their one-year-old are contemplating leaving the city for somewhere smaller, easier, where they can set up a little collective and sell furniture and art. or maybe they will stay if they can work it out.

everybody here is fast asleep. goodnight.

the shoe and castle are maya's photos

it was a very hot weekend. trying to keep cool with fruit ice, fans, a trip to the pool. today we spent 5 hours in the shade at the potrero rec center celebrating a friend's 7th bday. there was a big sound system with dance hits blasting all day over potrero hill, down towards the green bay below, while kids played basketball, petted dogs, ate cake and took some clothes off. maya took these lovely photos of her shoe in the dusty grass and a castle on the sidewalk.

today, obsessively gardening, i showed miles the sneaky powdery mildew that has coated much of the chard and messed up the leaves. he suggested that there might be some sort of potion that would kill the mildew. when i explained that this was organic gardening and we didn't want to use the potion to kill the bugs and mildew because the potions were bad for people too there was a glimmer of "aha" in his eyes. even though this backyard vegetable garden has turned out to be mostly my hobby, and the kids do not spend hours digging and examining plants, smiling in the sun (they mostly make overly loud noises in the back yard, throw things, and maya cuts all the flowers down in their prime) i liked how he learned this with me, at the time when he was ready for it, and not through a lecture in a grocery store produce aisle.

letter words

taking a walk up 24th street today. mint chip and coffee cones from st. francis. we wandered into a art gallery with an exhibit where you stood and looked into a mirror on the floor with a huge round mirror rotating above it from the ceiling. around the room were all kinds of wierd little lost and found objects in jars. butterflies, crumpled music scores. various tubes and mirrors and colored glass to look through. miles discovered one which made rainbows and sparkles on cars passing by. yes, miles who bailed on the fabulous summer camp i just blogged about.

at the mission branch library was a fun free magic show and i signed the kids up for the summer reading program so they can win some STUFF. walking home we bumped into two little boys from maya's pre-k and our friend tex.

we also got to see and hear a whole bunch of b-words and n-words. and see a bunch of men with their pants firmly belted just below their boxered butts. and see some drunks yelling at each other in the street. miles is fascinated by these people and it makes me feel quite conservative and scornful. "watch your language around my child!" i think. "pull up your pants you moron."

and just now, after a long, painful but ultimately productive struggle with my son tonight, i think i may have just heard some gunshots. and the cars keep streaming by in the dark.

silver tree day camp

today miles went to his late day at the first week of parks and rec silver tree day camp. maya and i hiked in to meet him at 6. as we entered the canyon with the dog walkers we could smell the smoke from the campfires and hear the yells of excited kids filtering throught the eucaluptus trees. miles' group was at the top of a terraced area, begging the dude counselors for one more marshmellow. maya scored 3 and we sat on a little concrete bench up there and took in the view of trees, bushes, rocks, kids, fires, big open sky of the canyon. this camp has been going on for 71 years. there are photos inside of counselors in full suits welcoming the camper in, 1941 style. after the hot dogs and marshmellows we went and sat on the big logs and watched each group perform. first a goofy song, straight from my own childhood, including words like "gopher guts", "mountain dew" and "comet, it makes your mouth turn green". then some short and sweet skits including a grand finale of the silver tree barber shop where the kids asked for egg shampoos and other kids cracked and rubbed raw eggs into their hair.

pretty awesome.

someone asked me today what makes me happy and my answers were all pretty sensory. looking at nature/my kids/art in the neighborhood. laughing with people. listening to birds from the back deck. eating a snap pea i grew. smelling a camp fire and being in glen park canyon in the middle of the city. maybe this makes me a more like a child than a real adult. maybe it would be better to find happiness in grander and more formal things, like satisfaction with work, or the creation of a complex novel. maybe it would be better if my happy moments were not so often lived through/with the happiness of my kids. maybe i would be happier if i did not have so many fears.

but that is what it is for now. it was a pretty happy day.

late

1:42 a.m., insomnia again. the world seems to be sleeping, i hear nothing but the refrigerator humming and a quiet whooshy sound from the highway. a bus starts up and goes at the corner.

today there were 2 hawks way up high above, chasing 2 other birds around. they just kept getting higher and higher, i couldn't stop staring right up into the sun at them.

third summer of summer camp for my kid. i want to see him bounding out of the woods at the end of the day laughing and playing with some other kids but he is straggling out by himself in his new camp t-shirt, nose covered with dirt. not complaining too much, though. not crying. he is doing it.

i am ready to start some summer writing that will not be on this blog. wish me luck.

waahh

my first born is growing up too fast! here he is reading a story he wrote in mandarin at the end of first grade party.

ch ch ch ch changes

lots of changes. today was my last day with my students who are going to kindergarten. some of them, i can kind of see their future, at least a little. others it is less clear. all my smart wonderful little guys with autism. will they turn outwards or inwards? i want to follow them and find out, remain on their team, but i live in a big city. maybe i will see these guys here or there--on a bus, or at the zoo, or on a slide. i want to see them talking and laughing, included, having fun. they can do it, with a little help. i will miss some of my graduates a lot.

i didn't plan on going, it just sounded kind of depressing, but at the last minute i took the kids to a goodbye to the principal pta meeting. yes, it is depressing to find out that several of the important staff members at my kid's school are leaving. people i had in mind when we chose the school. you know me and unknowns. you know me and change and losing people. i don't like it one bit. but at this meeting my kids were playing hard outside while the grownups inside were making toasts and drinking mai-tais. kickball, pokemon, dodgeball, and maya even wormed her way into a gang of big girls playing some kind of cool fantasy game about living in a garden. as the girls sped across the big playground in a blur of pink and red and white, waving branches in their hands i talked to parents i have not known for quite two years, and i we made each other laugh hard, and it felt good.

i am starting to get used to this a little, people coming and going from our lives. that has been the heart of this blog, really, getting used to life in this city of transience. i am sure there will be more to come, every year, but maybe getting used to all these goodbyes can be a way of growing stronger. and even if they are out of sight and mind all these friends and students and teachers leave some kind of imprint on me. the layers are piling up.

i sang the song at school today; make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. i don't know how many of the words my students understood. but they are looking, and smiling and trying to sing along, and i think they have all learned in their two years of preschool what a friend is.

xo
jd