decisions

i was feeling undecided in a cafe the other night, and finally ordered hot apple cider with a glass of ice on the side. which to me made sense, because i wanted that soothing warm drink but also a refreshing icy one. to the friend i was with, however, it represented my difficulty, not exactly with making choices, but with having strong desires for more than one thing that people usually just have one of. i am writing about this because my friend suggested i should, but also because i think this is the issue i have with where should we live. it is impossible for me to feel confident about the decision to raise my kids in the city for several reasons, one of which is that there never really was a decision, just the circumstance of our rental apartment going on the market, but also because where you live is so definite, so unable to accommodate the desire to have more than one thing at once. if we live in the city we have x but not y, if we live in the country we have y but not x. it sure would be sweet to have some land up in point arena we could retreat to every summer, but we don't. it sure would be sweet to have a city home that backed up to glen park canyon but we don't. it sure would be sweet to have multiple lives, but unless reincarnation is real, we don't.

i am rambling on neurotically as usual. i have just volunteered to be in charge of the "environmental education liason" committee at my son's school, so, quick, i better figure out what that is and how to get people to join me. how to feel more peaceful and good about raising our kids in a land of cars and concrete.

yesterday the kids and i went to chrissy field. it was cool and windy and sunny. miles stripped down to his suit and wiggled down the shallow river of water leading into the bay. we built a big castle with a moat full of this water, and watched the amazing kite-surfers rush off into the gusty bay. many shapes and sizes of dogs went by. on our way out we spotted a strange-looking cat on a leash in the parking lot. it was a three month old house cat and serval tiger mix the owner had bought in texas. he had the cat out to socialize it, and i suppose he thought if he socialized it enough this wild creature would never turn on him. good luck.

i have two hours with no kids and no work right now. time to go clean, water, cook, and listen to NPR. i just heard a screaming hawk in the backyard.

is anyone out there? please let me know. if i am writing to myself i might as well get a little more personal...

love,jamie