poor poor pitiful me

well, this was a tough week for me. i know, i know, i've got it good but we all have different levels of tolerance and this week brought me pretty close to quitting it all and going on welfare. does welfare still exist?

work was chock full of kids not getting what they need and me feeling very bad about it. i will leave it at that. maya started her new waldorf-y pre-k. i had convinced myself the drive would not be too bad and then managed to get panicky on the highway so it kind of is bad since i am meandering a long long way on city streets and then at night thinking about all that driving and thinking of comforting quotes i have heard/read recently like "why worry about flying or earthquakes, when driving is the most danger you can put your kid in?" so is the cool pre-k worth it or should we out her in the nice cheap co-op walking distance from our house? the deed is not quite done because we have not paid the waldorf-y pre-k yet. miles also started his first week at the starr king asp and kind of liked it, but i think the asphalt is getting to him. monday: "can we go camping soon?" wednesday: "can we visit brian soon?" yesterday: "i just want to go somewhere....green soon." so we have to make that decision still, too, about after school programs.

i found myself emailing private speech and language therapy clinics late last night after, i admit it, yet another bout of loud crying and just feeling too pathetic to drive all over and feel guilty about kids at work and worrying about kids in cars and afterschool programs and too much asphalt.

today was my day off. maya and i took miles to school and then very slowly meandered down the hill,taking a full 30 minutes to let maya sit on the steep sidewalk and sing songs and then through the mission with a stop for a dynamo donut (chocolate rose) to her first creative movement class at dance mission theater. it is a huge high ceilinged place with lots of studios and light and mirrors. a hot hot day and no fans turned on. maya jumped right in, as she did at pre-k this week. at one point they played some beautiful floaty music which i think was bjork, or sugarcubes, and watching maya twirl around and hold hands with a new little girl friend and feel the music was amazing. we made it home in the heat with a lucky ride from one of miles' schoolmates moms, driving around the mission unemployed.


after school miles made the brave leap to join the starr king soccer team. i watched him skipping around the soccer field, yes skipping, i'm not sure why, this is his latest thing. maya messed around in the shade with me and some cool moms and dads and the little siblings. afterwards was smoothie day and miles had a nice mandarin conversation with the lady at the deli.

so, deep breath, in writing this all looks fine. sometimes it just feels like way too much for me, though. i can barely handle my own life--when the needs and worries the parents i work with come in to play i really want to flee. for a nice life of being a mom and taking care of our house and maybe taking care of me a little.