tadpoles

up in sonoma where as usual all seemed suspiciously idyllic. happy kids of all ages frolicking on the green grass in the square, fountains trickling, bargains at the church mouse, a quiet pool to swim in, ice cream at the chocolate cow, maxwell's miniature golf course, no litter to be seen. fragrant flowers at every turn. my mom drove us less than a mile out of town to this tiny pond near ravenswood winery where there were bullfrogs croaking loudly through the sunny afternoon and it was just fine for miles to strip down to his underwear and capture many tadpoles in a frisbee.

this morning the kids and i ventured into the lisa kristine gallery i have walked by many times and i was surprised to find a lot of powerful images of people in slavery at the back. i had to pull miles away from the slavery photo book and was surprised by a little tear in my eye. there was a pleasant but obviously mentally ill man hanging out with us by the miniature golf course, who the manager mentioned was someone she had to keep an eye on so he didn't scare away guests. and a funeral. so all is not perfect, even in sonoma.

here is maya, taking a photo of herself with gum hanging out of her mouth. lately she is all over the place, sweet and funny, incredibly silly and loud, and even a little mean and sneaky. sometimes i am overwhelmed by her, she is changing faster than i can keep up with, but i am trying. testing, testing, "can i do it?" "what will happen if i do?" "will i still be loved if i do bad things?" i get mad a lot, and wish i was more patient. she took this photo of herself with gum hanging out of her mouth, and i can hear her saying, in a contrite but almost hopeful voice "i know you're going to be really mad at me." she sometimes cries "you don't love me" in a pretty anguished little voice. of course i do, more than you can know.