poor baby/ies

well, to make a long long long story short, after 3 days in a row of doctor visits, including a 10-3 marathon today complete with intern, attending dr, another attending dr, x ray, a drive to another hospital, a long wait for the orthopedist, less than a minute of consultation with the orthopedist----- bam, maya has a little cast on her arm for a recurring case of "nursemaid's elbow."

i probably cried more than my amazing and brave angel baby maya grace millman. she was incredibly good and patient. it was hard to see her in so much pain. miles felt his own emotional pain, jealousy, which was much harder to be empathetic with ("maya--gets--everything" he said tearfully after i picked him up from the fabulous ilsa miller's house--a schoolfriend's mom who took him in for a day-long playdate), but i dug down deep into my mama pocket and tried. he is still so young after all, i am idealistic to imagine he wouldn't have some jealousy over all the attention maya was getting. then we get home and he has a little fever and a sore throat.

i am wiped out. my mind goes into a spin that there is some bigger badder problem with maya's joints, and there is that nagging guilt--i was holding her hand when this happened after all. oh, i know there are far far far worse things that happen to people and their kids than elbows popping out of joint or intense jealousy and anger. seeing maya's little face as the dr moved her elbow around, she stared into my eyes and tried to half smile through the pain, such a brave beautiful little person, and miles just feels it all so much he can't even pretend to be brave, we all handle pain differently, guess it is up to me to try and prepare us all for the inevitable more.

i promise to write more about life in the city soon. daily life, work and home, have suddenly escalated in demands and intensity and i am just trying to keep up as best as i can. i feel like so many people need me to take care of them lately. i want someone to come and take care of me...gaga googoo

love

rich is 40

well, my husband is 40 now. when i first saw him he was probably 21, a cute guy i didn't know in a history class. whoa. we had veggie lasagna and penne and meatballs and rolls from lucca on valencia street, a huge chocolate rum cake from dianda's, a half keg of rolling rock beer, 4 bottles of jameson's, only 7 little kids, one whoopee cushion, 2 rented videos to keep the little kids happy, one injury (cousin natalie got whacked in the head by a giant horseshoe magnet), and a whole lot of karaoke going on. by the end of the night chris and rich were playing guitar duets lying on their backs on the living floor and we even played the point arena song for brian. maya and miles partied until 11 or so, and we paid for it with some tears at dinner time tonight but hey, worth it, right? to sing karaoke and get loud and obnoxious with a lot of friendly and long-known faces? maya dancing honky-tonk and little marta inventing endless permutations of whoopee cushion play and miles and andy pretending to poop objects and cracking each other up. kim was there with rich on her t shirt. uncle evan riled up the little ones but didn't whip them into a full-on frenzy. shhh, someone confided to me they planned to have children. oh yeah, and mike d and sheila's incredible rendition of summer lovin'

of course there were some loved people missing from this gathering. we take what we can get.

we put on the twinkly outside white christmas lights and i bragged about my city view, of the yards and trees and some open sky. i think if we could only see the backs of people's houses, or the sky only if we looked straight up, i couldn't take it. our downstairs neighbors came up around 10, their 3 year old blonde beautiful girl willow wanted to "see the band at miles' house."

4 things i heard that made me feel good: julia said i looked nice, even though i am feeling like an elephant these days. somebody i didn't see said this was a great place. brian said this party was just like the good old days with one of his good old brian smiles. and rich's big birthday toast was that we would all be toasting together at our 50th birthdays.

parks and people

we parked it up this weekend. cortland street park sat am, glen park canyon in the afternoon(where we climbed to the top of the rock, surrounded by wild mustard and radish, miner's lettuce, blue sky, and friendly dogs. miles and jonah were wild animals, people with stick crutches, and wanna-be baseball players.) today we hit the amazing golden gate park playground by the carousel. call me a freak, but i could live here. big trees all around, big swings and slides and sand and cool sculptures and a sky high climbing structure that inexplicably doesn't worry me. kids are laughing and calling for mommies and daddies and babies are toddling around gripping the play structure. miles finds a buddy from school to climb and kick a soccer ball with , and emily and rebecca are there to chase and play monster. maya goes to the top of the slide and there is a 10 year old boy goofing off and blocking the tunnel. i whisper to maya, "tell the big boy you are next" and she yells "maya next, boy!!" later she is terrified by a police horse and confides in me "maya scared horse big nose." good to know. soon she is bouncing and kicking with excitement about the carousel. "yay, yay maya ride carousel, yay!!!" she makes a lot of strangers smile and this makes me feel proud.

we see our neighbor at this park, and also our friend narasu. this people tally always makes me feel a little better.

in our neighborhood i carry maya past three bikers at an intersection who look vaguely familar and then we see each other--it is john kennedy and his new wife and james. friends from the distant san francisco past, who came on some of the road trips and crazy camping. my most vivid memory of john kennedy is being astonishingly naked in a sauna with him and cassie and nat and hugh maybe? other steaming drunk people being very loud and fast-talking and straight in a kind of calm and quiet gay resort on the russian river, the willows (i highly recommend it). i ended up doing a handstand on the edge of the dock, which blows me away since these days i can barely do a somersault.

anyway james is back in the city after being in europe and came and checked out our bottom flat for sale. i am telling everyone i know looking about it. i still have my fantasies about a little intentional community, still fantasize about how it could have been here with friends who moved away. i guess it would be smarter to focus on what it could be like with people who move in.

i talked to gradiva about this at the park--if she and the other jonah and little ernie had not moved we would have 4 cool little 4 and 5 year old boys with compatible families on one block. if i had convinced any of my friends planning to have families to buy the apt below we would have a rocking house with kids up and down the steps and pets and chickens in the backyard.

i still have my fantasies. pathetic as they are.

feeling some love

well, the last few days anxiety was high. i think it was set off by the brief visit from our homeless friend. he came to use our phone, as his camper van he is living in now had been towed. he looked terrible, skinny, very dirty, black circles under his eyes. he used rich's phone and made some feeble jokes about how he could do some nannying for us. his brother had been out to visit, recently but our friend was still living on the street. i sensed some deep confusion in him, felt sick looking at the dirt on his long thin nose.

yesterday i stopped by rainbow grocery and got teary talking to a very together seeming homeless woman selling the street sheet outside. i bought a copy. rainbow was buzzing with positivity. i bought some fair trade coffee, feeling good about not ripping someone off or chopping down too many trees in the wrong place. i filled up on bulk items feeling good about using less packaging. i bought some organic produce and cheese and felt good about not contributing pesticides to the world. i bought a bunch of green paper and cleaning products. this simple stuff made me feel a little better.

and when i dropped miles off at school today there was a big buzz for valentine's day. kids giving away and getting homeade heart necklaces, cards, trays of treats, a brand new baby to see and a dad of a one-day-old dropping his big guy off at school. miles brought his scranimals book to share and sounded so mature telling his teacher, "ther other kids might like it too, it's really funny." driving home past the valentine displays of huge balloons and flowers and plastic hearts i felt calm about materialism and waste. little by little we will all learn what we need to do to love and take care of each other in this world. i feel affection for the hipster lady running across the street in heels and black to catch the bus. the little ones walking to school holding hands with their parents. the jumble of houses huddled together in the mission, under a sunny blue sky. and the love is there even for the people who live around walgreen's with their shopping carts. there's lily in her dry-cleaning shop working away on the sewing machine. my house strewn with "maya baby stuff", miles' cape, the dust dancing in the window sun, the bluebirds flitting around on our deck. i put the tofurkey roast my meat-loving husband bought for us into the oven and hope for the best.

little mama

maya is missing again. she often disappears to do her own thing. this would be fine except that her own thing includes climbing up to get things from forbidden drawers, putting various non-foods in her mouth, destroying all things paper, etc. we have just returned from work and school, rich is getting dinner in the kitchen, miles is talking a lot and already negotiating for dessert. i find maya in the bedroom on the big rocking chair holding her baby. "shh, baby shershey*". she starts to sing rock a bye baby and allows me to sing the whole thing with her, quietly. she notices the baby's diaper is off and cries "oh no, baby diaper broken" and puts it back tenderly, then rocks and sings some more holding her baby doll. miles bounds in and finds a stretchy arm monkey with holes in his hands. soon they are both laughing as he stretches the monkey and it boings quasi-dangerously in all directions.

she is a good little mommy these days.

*shershey is nursing

does this link work?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5891776656090272134

juxtaposition

well, thanks you two. yesterday afternoon pushing maya home from the cold wet park i met two canvassers who were very passioinate and got me thinking about how business as usual isn't working too well around these here parts. so, i do like hillary, but i'm going to go with barack.

miles wants to build stuff lately. not legos, not a cardboard model, but the real thing. he was excited about building a home for a homeless person out of some cardboard and driftwood sticks he found on the the back deck in a rare moment of sun. and he had some cool plans to build houses on top of our house, as well as a tree taller than our house on top of our house.

living in the suburbs i guess he would be protected from the grim realities of homelessness and housing crunches and lack of enough trees. but living here he doesn't seem depressed. he seems full of ideas and solutions. i guess i need to be more like my boy and not dwell in the fact that almost all of the community i felt so close to less than a decade ago has drifted or purposefully travelled away from me.

these rainy days put me to bed early and make more time for dreams filled with faces from the past, many of whom i long for.

i also stumbled upon a cool article about my neighborhood on the spur website.
i will try the link, i haven't been so successful lately.

last, a beautiful sunny afternoon in the cortland street park. a sturdy smiling boy jumped into my arms and i knew he had autism. very cute and friendly and miles' size. his dad was a just a bit crazy but cool and friendly ex-rocker. maya and miles and this little guy walked the stone circle around the sand, taking turns jumping on me and knocking me down. aren't i a good mom? this guy and family had fled the city about 5 years ago but had returned and were happy in bernal. maya climbs so fast to the top of the structure now, and bounces wildly on the bridge. miles looks out for her safety. as we pass the library, we hear music. it is an accordion lady, a young beautiful (russian?) one playing moody accordion music on the stone steps. our new little friend goes up and presses some buttons. miles slides down the smooth wide marble flanking the steps and of course his little sister tries too.

it is juxtaposition, of almost everything, that keeps it interesting in our lives. as maya says of the musician "look mommy look, the sound, listen"

video by david cronan

the night before maya's bday an old old friend was in town to visit mike, matt harris, now doing his post doc in germany with his wife. they have a little one now, lily.

mike organized a jam session with matt, kim, and chris at lennon studios. i took the bus down and wandered around under the freeway a bit with my brother's bad directions. 2 men living in shopping cart cities asked me in a friendly way if i wanted to buy some speed. no thanks. i did get this feeling, though, that i needed a strong drink. i bought a big bottle of jaegermeister at trader ho's and found the studio. i just had that feeling, a slight disconnect between brain and body, that only a little heavy drinking would cure. it was SO GOOD to see my friends in this studio. i surprised myself by going straight to the drums and banging away. it felt SO GOOD to bang on drums for awhile with my old friends and bandmates. then i spent a long long time singing/yelling/howling into the mic. this is cheap therapy, for those of us with kids and jobs. thank you mike, matt, kim and chris for this fun night. i came home in a taxi and threw a 30 buck tip at the driver.

the next morning was not so pleasant as i prepared for a 2 year birthday with an early rising 2 year old, a jealous 4 year old, cupcakes rich forgot to add eggs to, a headache, and a roiling tummy.

which all brings me to the point of this post, to let you see and hear my old old band yusakuta, if you want. parents, skip this one. it actually sounds pretty bad, but thank you so much david cronan for capturing this part of history for me. it brings back emotions--this was such a fun time, but i just want to grab mr tedduh out of the video and keep him safe with me.

here's the link to david's video

vote?

so, who to vote for on tuesday?

i'm not a very political person. in college i remember going to a pro-choice rally in d.c. i had a bad cold and ended up guzzling a bottle of cough medicine with codeine that made me wacky. i yelled out the windows of the bus on the highway. i watched in a daze as people dressed as grim reapers with red-painted baby dolls glued onto scythes walked by. a girl i knew as my roomate's on and off bed buddy was so overcome with emotion that she flung a coat hanger into a crowd of reaper types chanting hey hey ho ho baby killing's got to go behind a police barrier.

so many different people and their different opinions. so many grim reapers and coat hanger flingers.

i think i was on student council a few years or so in middle school. this was definitely a ploy to get out of class.

now that i have a little more time to panic about the future for my children i am thinking more about politics. i actually liked john edwards quite a bit but he has gone bye-bye. farewell john edwards. listening to npr, reading the economist and the new yorker, these things are not helping me choose between barack and hillary. do you have an opinion? will you share?

what i want from the next administration:
1.stronger policies for the environment. love your mother!! how did things get so bad? what is wrong with human beings? this would include thought-out investment and support for good technologies (i know many people think technology is neutral, not me)
2. economic policies that help people who need help (including health, homes)
3. education reform that moves kids towards being future parts of numbers one and two
4. money away from the war

i wish i knew more about the global economy and trade, but i know almost nothing. fair trade sounds good to me though.

and while I'm at it, how about someone to babysit my kids once in a while? help me lose some weight? scrub my floors? turn potrero avenue into a pedestrian mall? bring my friends back to san francisco? cure me of my heights phobias? return my library books?

so, anyone out there have any ideas for me? maybe when i am older i will have time to be a better researcher.

i guess the bottom line is that i want the democratic candidate most likely to beat the republican candidate. hopefully that will be the best person for the presidency...

maya is 2 now

maya is 2 now. here she is during the cupcake-decorating portion of her party. she is not turning out to be a sugar freak like some other family members, and spent a long time decorating but only took a small lick.

i'm just not in writing mode these days. sorry, and i'm sure i will lose all 2 of my loyal readers if i keep this up. i'll do another lexicon list for maya since i'm a speech and language therapist and it is fun...

cake cereal orange milk juice water agua mas cup pink green blue tall big empty open up touch get it myself down cold in there brother chair seat hot cook playdough draw picture stamp wash hands shoulder chin cheek hair eye nose mouth leg arm tummy

hurt mad sad crying happy now

tv clifford baby einstein

now soon later

jump climb walk sit touch reach tickle hug kiss listen see look love

mommy daddy brother miles natalie suling mike josy david rebecca emily david zehara jonah deb marta ella rose john willow erin manu kika steffy diego arturo poppop penny poppop mommom paige sophie che che edison calvin julia phoebe cassie nina niko cassidy sheila

train car bus eagle hawk ferret cat dog bird fly run swim fish baby beluga sing guitar rock sharp hard salt bath
eat time dinner time bath time teeth-teeth time
go
park swing slide sand beach tree house moon star music light blanket sleep flower stuff chu-chu
brush rock rocking chair

wow, this is way too long and i've just started. guess she is ready for a language sample.
buh bye

going for the unknown world of spanish immersion

well, my friend deb and i went down and handed in our school applications together today. she had a little list scribbled on a piece of paper and i had one in my head i had discussed with rich this morning, as he prepared to go split some wood with his dad in delaware. we ended up sitting at a big coffee table in the lobby of the administration building with assorted friends and neighbors who were all still devising their lists or had just handed them in. lots of talk, talk, talk, and then impulsively i changed some things and filled it in and handed it in. afterwards i had a brief period with a nice empty space in my head, where all the "what should we do?" had been living. brief. soon this space was filled up with "i should have put...". there is a possibility i will call the office tomorrow and make a last-minute switch, but they probably wouldn't do it except in person and i would have to drag 2 kids down, so it is probably over. i feel a little sick thinking about this but it is also probably lack of sleep and eating too much unhealthy stuff. in the end we went largely with spanish immersion, which i feel will be very challenging to miles in the beginning. i kept hearing it was a gift to your child and i kept imagining miles being so overwhelmed and stressed, but at the last minute i guess i had some faith that he could just handle it. hope i was not wrong, hope he won't be the one kid in the class who hates it. and cries. oh lordy. there were so many cool good schools, all very popular of course, but finally i went with doing something different, the exotic and unknown world of spanish immersion...

our final list (if i don't freak out totally and go down there again tomorrow):
buena vista spanish(next door, friendly, cool, arts, i really really want this now--almost 400 people applied last year)
rooftop (not immersion, early, just very cool, over 800 people applied last year)
alvarado spanish (arts, science, money, about 350 people applied last year)
leonard flynn (not amazing but near, "up and coming", spanish, about 160 people last year, very likely more this year)
fairmount (also not amazing, near, nice ,spanish, about 160 people last year)
miraloma (not spanish, early, very cool, good, fun, about 350 applied last year)
sf community (the cool mixed grade hippie school i worried about last minute, about 100 people applied last year)

so i think i should have put fairmount and flynn lower, but i was a little bit insane at the moment, and just went for the spanish.
also, as you can see, almost all of these schools are quite popular so there is a good chance we will get nothing at all. then what??? we will be assigned to starr king, up by the potrero hill projects where oj grew up. or move to brisbane. or homeschool maybe.

readers, tell me this choice of mainly spanish immersion will work out for my little guy...i alternate between faith in him and my motherly instinct to protect my sensitive boy.

i love him so much. that is what this is all about.

goodnight.

this freakin list is due and rich is away and i'm not ready

"it's like a morning night, mommy."
this is how my son poetically describes last night in which there were many wakings. rich left for his trip and i got miles to sleep. i looked at the many permutations of school choices and, knowing our list is due, felt quite overwhelmed. i tried to remedy this by drinking some bailey's left over from christmas and watching wife swap. i looked at our schools and felt incredibly foggy. should we be putting more immersion? was there a chance in hell we would get buena vista, which i am getting set on? should i really put this progressive poorish school near the top of our list when everyone else is putting buzzy and affluent miralomas and alvarados and clarendons? and what about the 7:50 start? will it be ok? awful? aahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i start crying and just then my friend elizabeth calls, in a similar boat. super nanny comes on tv. then maya wakes up. i get her back to sleep, obsess sadly some more, then go to bed with maya. at 2 the door opens and there is miles. he is very good and quiet and just climbs in the bed with us ut maya surprises me and ends up going on a 3 hour whining and crying spree, with a little nursing allowed her in desperation and i want to keep miles from losing it and he insists politely on staying with us, pulling the cover over his head. i alternate being kind hippie mama and annoyed and mean-voiced stress mama with maya. fianlly miles leaves and returns to his room at 5, where he is now sleeping. maya conked out for an hour or so and is now banging the salt shaker on the table and giggling, somehow wide awake and full of energy.

veggie reuben

oh, and my new favorite food which you have to try if in the neighborhood,is the veggie reuben at st francis fountain. mmmmmmmmmm

afterwards you can go to the serpent park across the street and play in the fountains and sit on the dizzy chair and check out the murals

sfusd again

so , dear readers, if you exist

had a leisurely morning with my children, doing an exercise routine with ridiculous songs (i managed to rhyme cheetah and libido), then getting miles into the car, into preschool and leaving without him getting too upset. then i dragged maya to two more school visits. the last, i'm pretty sure. there are a lot of good schools on our list of seven that we submit to the sfusd lottery, but it kind of comes down to what you put first. it's wierd, because i have been obsessively reading a blog that many bernal/noe parents comment on, and the two schools i am focusing on end up being pretty off the radar for the blog readers and commenters. are we leaning towards these schools because they seem more likely to have spots? are we different than most of the readers and commenters? part of it is where we live.

school number one on mommy and maya's mini tour. it is a sunny bright day, and things are shiny and clean from the storms. this school is out mission, near room to grow preschool, where maya may be going. on the highway it is about 10 minutes from our house. i was welcomed in but there was no one to really talk to, except the not so exuberant parent liason. maya and i just wandered around and looked through windows. this school is not brimming over with parent involvement and donations. this is a small school with a long-established program. they have project-based learning, which means they work on a challenge-driven science project (for example, in studying body mechanics, the 2nd-3rd grade classes designed and built chairs--they looked pretty comfy!), alternating every nine weeks with regular curriculum. the grades are all combos, k-1, 2-3, etc. up through 8th. it is a very small school (less than 300 total). the upper grade classes are smaller than at many schools. many of the teachers have been there a long time, although one thing i wasn't psyched about it that one of the k teachers is new and looked less experienced, especially with the projects. you can request a teacher but there is no guarantee. there is a nice outside space with a small garden, a water feature, nice play structure. there is a great p.e. teacher the kids love. the population is very racially and socioeconomically diverse. the kids seemed pretty happy and peaceful and focused, except for a little more silliness in the new teacher's room. there is some art but not a ton. a small library and garden class. some music in the upper grades. i could see miles here.

the other school is a 2 block walk away and also has a long-established program--for spanish immersion. at the office they didn't seem that excited to have a drop in prospective parent and baby, but when the secretary asked the principal if i could look around he offered to show me the school. he invited me to his office and i don't know if it was because i name-dropped a mutual friend, but he ended up talking to us and taking us in lots of classrooms for almost an hour. i got to really see the immersion program a little more. this school is more traditional than the first, but would like to move toward more project learning. they are not a star school, so have a little more flexibility with the curriculum. they have a full-time arts coordinator so in a way the arts are the projects. less science. the kids in kinder were buzzy and happy and working on various things. there were toys available for free time. music played in one room. we talked to a few spanish learners in k and 1 and they were able to reply in spanish but you could see it was a little hard. in the upper grades the kids looked pretty engaged. the principal said there are a lot of gifted and talented kids in the school, and said one way to look at immersion is as a gifted program, because of the extra challenge. i saw a little of acrosports, which looked fun. the kids get some organized activities outside at recess, partly because of the smallish yard. by next fall the park should be accessible again and the school will use it. they have a greening grant which hasn't been used yet. there is before and after care which looks pretty fun. they are trying to move toward class size reduction in the upper grades but don't have it yet. the principal said he would send his own kid here (and many teachers do), but that he knows the school has its challenges and limitations. he would like to see more people in the school--resources, as well as projects and technology and ecological education. i think i can see miles here though naturally it is a little harder to imagine him there when all the teaching is going on in spanish.

so, one more traditional, closer by, and with the gift (and stress for miles in the beginning) of spanish immersion. the other more progressive, maybe more diverse, a little less art, a little more focused on teaching kids to be good learners, and a short drive rather than a walk.

what do you think????? is anyone out there? what would you do with your little guy if you were us??

of course there is a good chance we won't get either...

if you are out there, let me know.

love,
j

picky eaters

this morning by 6:30 i was being squashed between 2 very awake kids trying to tickle and poke each other across my body, all of us crammed into miles' trundle bed. this game didn't last long. i tried to take advantage of rich's last real day here until he flies back east on wednesday by sneaking into the big bed, as rich and miles played out some military camp/rave-like exercise routine but no such luck as maya can find me anywhere as soon as i sit or lie down, so she can SHERSHIE. the shersheying around here is a bit out of control. that little girl loves her mommy's breasts. she sings songs to them,really, abcd, shershey, etc. and recently lovingly labelled them each with the names of two little girls she adores.

i am out of the blog flow. no writing class, and kindergarten lists floating like confused ghosts through my head. but to the picky eater part:

rich makes buckwheat pancakes for breakfast. miles only wants the biggest and roundest ones. he has to pour the syrup himself. he asks us to cool down the blueberries by outting the pancake in the freezer. he wants whip cream on each one. maya has to sit on the tippiest adult chair, and will tolerate no assistance getting onto it. she wants the philadelphia eagles bib. suddenly she hates panckaes with syrup and needs the elephant cup to put her squirt of whip cream into. with a fork. no, not that fork, no, wait a minute a spoon. no, she will pinch 50 little fingerfuls of whip cream to transfer them off the offending pancakes instead.

lunch is brown rice with butter, black beans with a little garlic and carrots with brown sugar, with some yummy rosemary bread. miles finds a piece of rosemary in the bread and digs it out. he doesn't want the crust, which is about 80% of the bread, so he shreds it off all over the table. he declares he loves the rice and wants to eat it all the time but changes his mind after 3 bites. he sucks the brown sugar off the carrots and eats 1. maya wants to sit on my lap but is mad about all the food presented. as soon as miles gets down she clambers into his seat, eats a little of his rice, yells at me about the one black bean i put hopefully in front of her, knocks the rice onto our floor accidentally. she wants me to carry her over to the cupboard so she can "hold touch cup myself". it has to be a cup with no lid, perfect for spilling. or pouring into the rice i have refilled. naptime.

i am feeling hopelessly bad at feeding my kids by dinnertime. they eat a huge snack of organic but not so healthy corn puffs. i got some good life sushi for the grownups that miles does bravely try (he likes the fact that it is raw and "they got the blood out") but is so terrible tasting to him that he spits it out lengthily, onto the closest place, my plate. i lose my appetite. maya is protesting "no shooshoo" repeatedly even though no one offers her any sushi. i make some alphabet soup. miles eats out the green beans, corn and a few letters and says that he must have eaten too much of this when he was a little kid because he is tired of it. maya is full from all the puffs. rich and miles have made some nutritious sugar-free jello earlier that miles can have for dessert. maya wants "my treat too brother treat" so she gets some to top off her corn puffs, and ends up splattering it all over the floor. before bed they both drink about 20 ounces of milk.

so, it isn't always so bad. but today it was. tomorrow they will be eating broccoli and neat little bowls of healthy pasta.
i'm spending weeks of my life agonizing over the perfect list of kindergartens to submit to a crazy lottery machine and i'm letting my not quite 2 year old eat jello and cornpuffs for dinner.

oh, and here is photographic evidence that miles loves the doll his aunt cassie made for him. he knows it is extra special because it was made "with love". i told him this and he bought it. thanks cassie!! and the costumes are just a random sampling of the always on the floor dress up stuff.

overdue post

whoa, it has been a long time. sorry. i have no excuse or understanding of why my writing urge just shuts off sometimes. contributing factors: holidays with accompanying highs and lows,socializing, manic purchases and more toy clutter and inches around my waist, long rainy days of kids which lead me to some very early bedtimes, and of course the approaching kindergarten deadline. no, we don't have our schools picked out and prioritized yet. yes, i am still obsessing on this topic including checking for new posts on the sfkfiles
that will somehow guide my decision. no one out there, if there is anyone out there needs to hear about this $%^$%$&^% anymore, so i will spare you.

in fact, i am so out of blog practice i think i will just post a photo or two and say happy new year and leave it at that, for now. i find this miles drawing especially cute and believe it or not the kids just surprised me in the kitchen by showing up on the bike together. they will be playing together happily a lot soon, right??

xoxo
j

oh, the bridge again

i thought a little more and the other BIG contributing factor to my bridge panic was seeing all the media coverage of the bridge that collapsed down south. anyone else out there extremely susceptible to these powerful images?


i really avoid the television news as much as i can. when you start to avoid it, and then tune in, you can see how bad it is for your brain. or at least my brain.

bye

living with dilophosaurus

miles suggested we have a big party for everyone in san francisco, no, everyone in the world, and we could all hug each other the whole time.

is this the same kid who is driving me nuts yelling inside like someone with tourettes, pulling my clothes and pushing me from behind as he runs down the hall, and grabbing from and knocking over his little sister? not to mention many many scatological jokes and fits, fits, fits, about seemingly nothing...

my son competes with his baby sister about things like...is my cough louder than maya's? they still have shoving matches about who gets to sit on my fabulous lap.

he tells me he follows all the rules at school because the teachers tell them what to do and not do, a lot.

i feel that i tell him what to do and not do, a lot. a whole lot.

tonight miles told me that he tries to remember to be nice to me all the time, but sometimes he just forgets. i could see his little brain churning as he told me this. he also tells me he doesn't want to go to school because he wants to be with me all the time because he loves me so much.

hopefully things will calm down around here soon. right now it feels pretty wild. but of course i love my little dilophosaurus more than any boy in the world.

link

hopper's hands

there is an article about this guy online

link

very touching, i don't love that word but it fits

hoppers hands

well, i finally had a panic attack on a bridge. not a complete shock, but a really crappy thing to happen. driving the kids to meet my mom at the bay area discovery museum i glimpsed the gg bridge from far below. i had a moment of unusual fear as i saw that stick of road stretching out high above the water. i should have pulled over. but i am tired of fears and phobias and tried to just power through. as i drove onto the bridge i saw that there were only two lanes going north, which forced me to break my usual bridge thing, which is to drive in the middle lane. my heart started feeling wierd. i started breathing wierd. feeling dizzy. hands and feet disconnected. i put on my hazards and started to slow down. versions of this had happened before. but i really couldn't drive, and i was WAY UP HIGH ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. i stopped the car. i started talking to myself ( miles didn't realize this) "i can't drive, i'm having a panic attack." i started crying. a very very kind fatherly iron worker climbed out from under the bridge and made eye contact with me. he motioned about a tow truck, it was going to be ok, and i tried to communicate with him that the car was ok, it was me, he could drive my car over the bridge. by then a very nice police/security/patrol woman of some sort was beside me. i was trying not to cry. a tow truck was in front. she was talking about us getting out of the car and pushing my car over the bridge. or a tow truck pulling it. all i can say is that i didn't feel too great and was not happy with these options and just kept insisting tearfully that someone get in the car with me and drive over the bridge. there was no personnel. finally the iron worker offered to drive, which was a big relief. he drove and said soothing things about how his sister in law couldn't drive on bridges, how natural the fear was, how he saw dogs that were terrified. as he dropped me off he suggested i google hoppers hands. i was a little out of it but i thought he said something about his website or something like that. as soon as we were across i was fine. disgusted and frustrated with myself and feeling very fragile, but fine to drive. we had a nice time at the museum with my mom. then she had to drive me across and get a ride (with the same nice patrol woman, who had many ideas about bridge panic attacks) back to her car at the museum.

so, possible precipitating factors:
-a lot of snippets of earthquake news and conversation lately
-rich mentioning the words bridge and dangerous when i told him yesterday about our marin meeting plan, possible bad weather, him knowing my anxiety level
-a lot of (good, but tough) emotion being unearthed in my wonderful creative writing class
-the unfamiliar lane situation
-the familiar tiredness
-the high anxiety about kindergarten search
-who knows?

all i know is that this stinks for me. i feel like my world is getting smaller. the bay area isn't the greatest place in some ways for someone with fears of heights, bridges, cliffs. i felt so relieved to be back in the city where the ground is solid underneath our wheels. but the earthquake fear is there somewhere too.

anyway, i looked up hoppers hands and i'm not 100% sure but i guess the bridge iron worker who took care of me and was so kind is some kind of local hero--an iron worker who is also a suicide prevention counselor for the bridge

thank you to hopper, the patrol lady, and of course, my mom

still wild at heart

friday was a long day, but we made it to friday night and i took miles out for some culture in bernal heights. it was cold enough for puffy jackets, and quite dark when we left at 6. christmas trees are in many of our neighbor's windows, inspiring a little greed and anxiety in my offspring. we get to red hill books early for the free screening of still wild at heart, a film made about wild animals living in the urban landscape of sf. i saw a flyer in the bookstore earlier in the week, while killing a little time waiting for miles' parents conference at the coffee store.

chairs are scattered around in front of a big projector and a little group is setting up for some live music. a guy with a mandolin, and two women, guitar and violin. they play what to me is amazing bluegrass. very tradtional and old-timey and fast. i think miles is going to whine but he is kind of tired and goes into a trance with me watching the crazy expressions on the violinist's face. they say they are big fans of the coyote in the movie. soon the place fills up, big kids, the old waitress from st francis, and then i spot my old roomate andy, who is still totally himself, and makes some protective comments loudly when the old woman behind is critical of my moving my seat side to side in front of her (miles kept moving) and when people whined about the projector stopping several times ("if you go see a free movie in a bookstore, you might have to adjust your chair a little bit", "if you don't like it, just buy the dvd and watch it at home"). the movie is pretty amazing, about coyotes traversing the streets of san francisco, and even the golden gate bridge, in their efforts to have genetically healthy babies. quail scooting from the presidio to gg park on their tiny little legs, a deer running across the bridge. it was about how wildlife is slowly coming into urban places and though the movie didn't come out and say it, how we are more accepting and encouraging of these creatures as we are seeing our own place in the world as more fragile now then ever, and can appreciate coyotes instead of just shooting them.

don't feed wild creatures!!!

a bear came right down to the north side of the gg bridge and ended up on mt tam.

right now i am tired out after another marathon birthday party, complete with moonsand, sculpey projects (wasn't long ago i was playing with sculpey with no kids around at all), make a plate, lots of gifts, a heavy duty pinata, backyard bouncer, professional storyteller, and some post-party thai food and cupcakes. there was much kindergarten talk but i tried to avoid it mostly, as the whole subject is making more anxious than ever. most of the kids there were from ella's preschool and many were writing sentences which i found amazing.

looking around our living roomi remember way back to this morning and recall maya waking me at 5, insisting it was time to be up for the day and repeatedly trying to sneak out of bed to turn on the tv, some serious tickle fighting, some real family fighting, trying to talk to cassie through a chaotic 30 minutes (can't my family give me half an hour with my long distance friend i dreamed about returning to sf last night?) replanting the lemon tree out back, hauling all the xmas decorations out (miles' request) and setting up our little walgreens tree, the advent calendar, and the lovely and large walgreens christmas light train. ho ho ho. maya has somehow broken our stereo. this place needs some major cleaning. we are making it through for now, day by day, minute by minute, and tonight my back hurts and it is time to go night night.

sky things

we have been seeing amazing things in the sky. yesterday a huge rainbow driving maya to kika's at 7:30, maya's first. she was very impressed. today what looked to me like an eagle, gliding in huge circles over bernal heights. i saw him several times as i drove, above the highway, over crescent street, then by glen park. after picking up kids after work we stopped by holly park. we took some secret paths up and over and around. saw eucalyptus trees and figured out how many koalas they would feed. miles found a broken pine cone we brought home to make christmasy. wouldn't it be great, he asked, if there were kids all over here and they were one school and nobody else could come in? we walked by an awesome group of pre-teen girls ferociously playing soccer on the old tennis court. it was getting dusky. maya's little hands cold as she tried to close miles and herself into the fenced off bbq area. lee and miles and kay played rough and ran fast and yelled poopy head into the evening openness. from holly park you can see a lot of the bay. boats, said maya. see brudda? moon. stars.

bryant elementary--hating my thoughts

i was strolling with maya and on a whim stopped by bryant elementary, 4 blocks away. 3 long-haired chatty girls were in trouble in the office and came climbing over their little chair desks to play with maya. a woman came and asked me what i needed. turned out she was the erf (educational reform facilitator) for the school. even though this was not their tour time, i had not called, and i had a baby in a stroller, she went ahead and gave me a personal guided tour of the school. it is a fairly modern building, but with nice big rooms, high ceilings and windows. art all over. each grade has a spanish bilingual and an eld class. they are a star school, so there is some extra time on language arts to boost test scores (which are low). they have an inclusion program. we went around walking into each classroom and were mostly greeted by polite teacher smiles and some very friendly students. they have class-size reduction and grade-level meetings. i didn't get the details but in the brochure it said the kids had music, dance, and art every week. the outside is big enough, with a new play structure. the k kids have a separate area with little bikes and stuff they share with the child development center. there is a little garden out front. a nice big library. the boys and girls club after school.

so, i was surprised by the nice vibe at bryant, which always looked a little rough to me somehow. most of the teachers looked pretty good, and except for one slightly zooey class the kids looked pretty well-behaved.

so, could miles be okay at bryant? would it matter that he was the sole caucasian kid in his school? would he be getting what he needed in the english language development class? this is actually a pretty valid question, i think. the erf person said they were doing levelling (differentiated instruction, i think), even in kindergarten.

the race issue is starting to really be highlighted for me in this schools search. i wish it weren't. but it is. i have to admit having some racist thoughts. i suck. like assuming most of these latino kids will have different values and interests than our family. that miles will be hanging out with the kids at the park who are great, but who eat a lot of junky food and have a lot of clothes with tv characters on them. hanging out with kids who play with toy guns and watch a lot of tv.

this is making me angry with myself. it really really really really is.

maya and i strolled home. so, i want to send miles to a school that is diverse. and live in a place where there is diversity. but at the same time i want him to be with people similar to us. a little different of course, but mostly the same.

what is the real reason to seek out diversity? so that kids can see and appreciate (or not) and learn from other cultures? i guess yes. then why am i scared of a sweet little school like bryant elementary? it's not the low test scores...

crissy field and farallones marine sanctuary

visited crissy fields today and discovered the farallones marine sanctuary museum
where we compared shark and whale teeth, played with some turtle and sea lion skulls, watched fish and crabs putter around an aquarium tank, touched bayleen, bought a dagoda chocolate bar without miles seeing. maya got very shy and embarrassed when several adults laughed hard after she mistook another man's leg for her daddy's and was hugging it for a few minutes, then staring at rich's face for about 30 seconds before it all came clear. we learned about how bad the oil spill was for the bay and then played on the beach for a while, making dinosaur houses out of driftwood, burying feet, finding a shrimp, sneakily eating the chocolate bar, and enjoying the scenery. later by the warming hut miles helped maya up the big grassy hill in a rare moment of big brotherliness, and i broke my rule and ate a happy til he died beef hotdog.

i am spending too much time with my computer. i am missing friends lately, their faces, laughs, voices, houses, company.

no fits today!

ahhhh. this was the first day in many many when miles did not have a sad and/or angry tantrum (i tell miles they are "fits", don't ask me why. did someone call them fits when i used to have 'em?). we spent thanksgiving with the cronans and their motley crue: emily's middle school friend who moved here from china last year and her dad. this girl was, as david described her, "a beam of sunlight", and gave me hope for the future. her dad spoke no english and brought some mean homeade potstickers and was sweet enough to entertain miles by putting stuffed animals' heads into a pop-up shark book for a good 45 minutes. david's mom debbie was there with her theater voice and her amazing cooking skills (brined turkey, sweet potatoes au gratin). dean, who is a cool music and art kind of guy and who brought some specialty cheese and sauerkraut (he is some kind of cheese merchant), emily, dressed to match her new american doll , and rebecca, supplying delicious pillsbury biscuits, her green bean specialty, charades, and homeade crabcakes. well, i probably got who cooked what wrong, but i do know it was fun, miles and maya were perfectly behaved which was fortunate as NEITHER RICH AND I SLEPT THE NIGHT BEFORE (see postscript if you care to know why). we ended up taking an after pie-gorge stroll in the cool night air to get milk on irving street. miles and emily told a very long string of inane knock knock jokes (knock knock, who's there, feet, feet who, feet in your meat, face, hahahahah), maya pointed out the moon as jiaweh pushed her stroller and sang merrily,and rebecca and i reminisced a little about a thanksgiving at cassie's years ago when there was a post-meal soccer game in dolores park and tedd played and was good but had trouble with his red leather pants. tedd (and cassie) you are loved and missed.

today we went to the water park briefly and saw little seamus from around the block. he has a fifth grade brother and i had a very calming (this calm will also be brief i'm sure) talk about the schools with his parents. then seamus tried to smack maya with a water bottle and we departed. miles did not tantrum about not getting a little toy. he did not tantrum when i said i couldn't carry him up the steps. he drew calmly until jonah arrived. they jumped, made loud noises, played a turn-taking game for 30 seconds, drew lots more pictures (i'm starting to worry about how much paper we are going through), and hugged and kissed goodbye. maya kept hugging me all day, wrapping her arms around my neck and staring into my eyes, smiling "hello mommy". during maya's nap we played regressive trains but there was no bickering. miles wanted to look at his baby book and we made up hilarious comments for each photo such as "um, is anyone gonna change my diaper?" it was good to hear my little boy laughing so hard and then not getting mad and throwing toys around 10 minutes later. later we played full-on miles is a baby for THREE HOURS. maya got into it too, and for an afternoon i had a gigantic baby named miles who could not crawl, had a big sister who liked to give him bottles, looked at crib toys in his pretend crib, wanted to be patted and burped, and ate dinner in a high chair. this may sound very wacky but i think it was therapeutic as there were, let's say it again NO FITS all day!! thank you thank you thank you.

p.s. rich is out at the show, rocking. i am at home anxiously reading confusing research about dual immersion. maya wakes up around 12. it takes me a long time to get her to sleep. just as she drifts off a little moon face appears beside me in the dark. miles is up. i get him in his bed but he wants me to lie on the trundle as he tries to fall asleep. it seems to be taking a long time. then, dunt dunt duhhhhh,maya toddles in. hello mommy. hello brother. she climbs in next to me and all is quiet and i am amazed. then i hear wierd breathing from miles' bed. i'm hoping it is sleepy breathing but know i am wrong. it is i'm gonna have a fit breathing. he just doesn't want maya in there. he doesn't want to be alone while i put her back to sleep. he starts throwing all his stuffed animals around. i take maya into the living room where she starts playing (it's now about 2:45). when i leave he breaks into heartbreaking wails. oh brother. finally things quiet down and i talk to miles and he is trying to be reasonable but very stressed out so i let him play starfall
on the laptop in bed. now maya takes forever to fall asleep after all the excitement she has just witnessed. as the blurry digital numbers on the dresser slip by i assume miles has conked out in front of his abc game. finally rich returns as maya goes down. it is 3:45. miles is still playing on starfall. he falls asleep by around 4:30. my adrenalin is flowing. maya starts crying and rich holds her off until 5:30 when she wakes up for the day...........................
no rest for the wicked

love, me

downhill writing

i just read some of the posts from the early months of this blog and they are much better written. full of showing not telling as every writing fan would say. so, what happens to a brain that makes it write worse? early dementia? perhaps. probably stress and obsessive thinking. this blog was supposed to be about our life in the city. but kindergarten is all i can think about right now. please stick with me, friends and family. i will get out of this rut soon.

it is thanksgiving eve. rich is out at the eagle tavern.
check out the website. no, things are not so bad that he is out cruising for gay sex--his band in playing there tonight. i would like to be there but couldn't find a babysitter. he is out laughing with his buddies, and my buddies too. drinking a whiskey drink with kim and andy and carl and mike and christa and maybe even hugh in a wheelchair. i am home making an apple pie and surfing the net for articles about spanish immersion. tomorrow is thanksgiving. there are homeless people just blocks from here, freezing under and beside the freeway. cars flow through on their way to see people in and out of town. is our friend out there sleeping in the cold dark with his shaggy beard? maybe tomorow i will take the kids around our neighborhood as rich snores off his hangover (if i am feeling generous--to rich) and we will give away some food. we have more than we need. there is a big big world out there, just walking distance from the little space we live in.

maya and the new tree house, moody m

that's a fake mad look for the camera...


treehouse was supposed to be a holiday gift but i have trouble waiting...

can't see clearly right now

went out last night to a hip rooftop restaurant for a sweet birthday celebration, twinkly views of the city and bay and bridges, heat lamps, pomegranete mojitos, and some nice get to know you talk with some cool ladies.i found myself talking a lot about the old subject of my urban tribe/community dispersing and how my best friend got away. but with some kind of new distance from these losses--like there was possibility for good new things in the future if we stick it out here.

then today i was oh so way too easily pulled into a depression. there must be hormones involved. we had a short afterschool playdate with a friend and of course schools came up. my friend used the words sacrifice, prison, and bullying in relation to her public school experience and this 5 minutes or so of talk sent all my fragile and new decisions about staying here and sending the kids to sfusd tumbling downhill. so, let's look at things. out of our big gang of friends who had babies here in sf so far two are still here, about 7 left, and of my newish friends who actually are planning to stay here it is starting to sound like most are sending their kids to private school. as another friend said, if we are staying in the city because we like it and know it's not the best for the kids, then the least we can do is to send them to private school.

am i just a delusional dummy? are all my friends in east bay, up north, in the midwest, scraping up funds for private school, wrong? i can tell you, i love my little ones more than anything in the world, and i just want them to have good and happy lives. right now i feel like crying. rich and i are just getting by, and now i'm feeling like maybe we are screwing our kids over. it isn't helping that miles is in a phase where he is so uneasy about who he is, how to deal with his world as he grows up in it. i just can't seem to see clearly about this. i need better vision so i can do right by my children. i want to know what is best for them.

miles has pennied to sleep in his new trundle bed. he cried again when i dropped him at school this morning, burying his head under my shirt. he seemed ok later, but a little loud and frantic. he has rediscovered a satin baby blanket that his grandparents gave him at his birth, and for the first time is treasuring it, bringing it to school, cuddling it to sleep. he is cuddling his babyhood. maya is coughing a little on the monitor, probably dreaming of my gym, elmo, baby beluga in the deep blue sea. rich has departed for his cover band practice. i am waiting for things to clear up. i need them to.

moscone, flynn, buena vista,bll bll bll

ahh, a saturday without much tantrumming and opposition. it has been really rough lately, with maya sick and miles regressing and worrying about getting older and not knowing how to deal with his feelings. i remember my own angst about getting older and becoming a grownup. miles wants to be a kid forever and i don't blame him.

but today was good, with enzo the musician and 2 park visits and feeling like i really have a community. let me tally up the acquaintances to feel less lonely...at enzo we are greeted by little phoebe from miles' school who is all over us like a really cute little ponytailed puppy dog. and on the sidewalk is our poor neighbor who is supervising her daughter's rather intense freakout by chloe's closet. we stop at the cortland street park and end up spending 2 hours there. there is jake and family, all connected to the creative arts charter school. jake can whistle now. i meet a woman who is studying to be a slp at state and we discuss kindergartens, what a surprise. miles becomes close enough with a little boy that they are affectionately calling each other poopy head before we leave. then later we go to parque unidos. walking there we bump into an artist and mom friend, kelly, with her daughter mika. then we see the mother of the tantrumming girl again--i am envious as the dad has taken the daughter away camping and she has the whole house 2 herself for 2 days. at the park there is our downstairs' neighbors italian friend and her cute little dog stella. and a friend from our music together class. miles makes another buddy, mateo, who just wants to get his hands on our football, really. he is about 8 and damn good.

so, these are the people in our neighborhood.


3 more school tours this week. i'm getting real tired of school tours. i guess some people do 15 or more, yikes!!

moscone. this is a very academically rigorous school walking distance from us. they have a chinese bilingual, spanish bilingual, and english language development k,1, and 2, and then in 3rd and up they combine strands. the school has very high test scores and the highest (by far, i think) for latino kids, which i like. not that i care that much about test scores for miles, but that they are closing the creepy achievement gap for the latino kids. the building is new and clean, with a big open courtyard and plants and trees here and there. the teacher turnover is extremely low. the kindergarten teacher i heard was not so great is leaving. when we arrived the kinder english class and the 1st grade spanish bilingual class were having their dance/movement class together in a huge auditorium and seemed to be having a lot of fun. the principal led all 7 of us around on the tour and seemed to know most of the kids and got big smiles from them. they have an art teacher. the mood and feel are hard to explain. very calm and mellow and focused. no raised voices but i didn't sense a huge amount of excitement from the kids either. they did seem engaged and happy. the principal said they work the kids hard but then reward them.

at the end of the tour this wacky (white) guy said "i don't want to sound racist, but is this white flight or what? where are all the white kids?" extremely tactless in front of the spanish speaking people on the tour, but good question. there were a very few caucasian faces at moscone...SO. if there were more people who looked like me at this school would i be more inclined to send miles there? probably yes. i am not writing off this school but i realized this is important for me. miles would probably be fine as the minority in his class. but i think part of this whole school search is that i want a school we can all feel involved with, as a community. it is sad but true that i have lived here for 12 years and have not become friends with any of our latino neighbors. friendly maybe, but not friends.

this would challenge us more than miles, probably, to become part of a community in which we were a definite minority. it is something to think about. oh, so much to think about!

we then saw 2, count em 2, schools with spanish immersion.

buena vista is the school two blocks away in which we vote and i always thought miles would go there, not knowing it was a hard to get into school with only spanish immersion and no attendance area. the tour group was big and unlike every other big tour, there was only one parent leader, which led to total confusion, we were basically a big loud herd wandering the narrow halls peeking in at classes and rapidly confiding our kindergarten thoughts to total strangers. there is a friendly, homey, artsy, slightly cramped feeling. there are lots of bits and pieces of arts, sports, music programs, but not quite enough money and space for things to go smoothly. there is a good before and after care program. it is 2 blocks away. it starts at 9:30. low test scores. my friend has done some computer related work there and says the teachers all seem good at keeping kids engaged and behaved. did i mention 2 blocks away and 9:30 start time?

do we want spanish immersion?

the next day i had to stay home from work because maya still had a fever and in order to speed her recovery i dragged her along on a tour of leonard flynn. this one is about 8 blocks away, on ceasar chavez and harrison. as this is another "school on the rise" a bunch of eager well-dressed parents were lined up to escort us around, using lots of adjectives like phenomenal, fantastic, wonderful, to describe the school and the teachers. it's a big building with extra space. bulletproof windows, there's a plus! the 2 k classes we peeked in on had kids sitting on the rug learning something in spanish, and all seemed pretty engaged, though for all i knew the little english speakers may have been daydreaming about recess. some art, some music. lots of pta and events to try and get things moving in the right direction. some of this "school on the rise" stuff seems a little wierd, as it really seems to mean there are more middle-class parents joining up, with energy and money and ideas. the school is in candidacy to become part of the ibo.org pyp program, which was somewhat cryptic to me, but is some kind of inquiry based learning program. the principal was nice and positive, but had some trouble answering the (surprisingly aggressive) questions of the crowd. flynn is ok. one thing i didn't think was so great was that the other half of each grade is not spanish immersion, and from what i saw was almost all african-american kids, which made the whole scene look pretty segregated.

so, we are slowly, slowly coming to some conclusions and realizations. one is that the schools we are most interested in may be ones many folks are interested in so we better put a few less popular choices on our application. i think these choices may be harvey milk, marshall, and mckinley, SO guess we better check them out too. NOOOOOOOOO. also realizing that proximity would be nice--this makes me want to do spanish immersion a little more. well, it makes me want buena vista a little more. greener too, right?? and also realizing that rooftop would be a pretty dumb gamble, and that we will have to sort all these schools and priorities out before we start listing them on an application.

this kindergarten stuff must be boring as h e double toothpick (to quote emily cronan) to those of you not in this wierd world, but it is helping my obsessive brain to get things written down.

miss you and will take a break from this kinder stuff for a while now.

carinos
jamie

thanks justine

my friend justine invited me to see spiritualized tonight at bimbos. i wasn't so sure, but it was a near perfect show. i didn't even feel old as there were many greying folks in the audience sitting at their candlelit tables, amongst the many inpsired hipsters. they played with three stringed instruments and 3 gospel singers, the 2 spiritualized guys facing each other playing keyboard and guitar, bringing me way back when with their songs about jesus, drugs, and love. the whole audience was listening and paying attention! my mind wandered to days on dallas avenue falling asleep to 200 bars over and over,my cool roomate chris making me spaceman 3 tapes covered with tiny handwriting, and blasting the sound of confusion as i drove to work at auclair school after a night of many adventures and about 30 minutes of sleep.

sad as it sounds kindergarten also popped into my head as i watched the show and i thought that we need to send miles to a school where art is important.

i thought about how great artists and musicians are not necessarily the ones with great talents but the ones who persist with their vision. made me think of all the musicians i have known and loved from delaware and out here too, and how much i miss being part of music. and how life has swept even the most talented away from their art.

made me want to fly cassie back here so we can start a cover band of all our old songs, rich can play guitar and kim the keyboard and we can be beautiful and inspiring like spiritualized just was.

well, maybe the jameson and coke is talking a little bit here. don't worry out there, justine brought me home safely in her prius.

and today was sunny, and therefore pretty much destined to be better than yesterday. a bright warm birthday for dear little jonah at douglas playground. who needs the suburbs? in a bouncer on a lawn surrounded byt the tree-covered canyon the boys jump jump jump for hours. then they moved on to an elaborate game that involved collecting hard objects in the woods and pushing them down the slide to make a huge splash in the mud puddle at the bottom. all barefoot. a homeade pinata and well-mannered kids waiting their turns to attack it. a noe valley bakery cake with jelly beans to decorate. who could ask for more? maya got to swing for a long long time, and peek a boo in a discarded plastic playhouse, and dig in the sand,and was very huggy. i tried my best to avoid kindergartenland conversation and did pretty well, even if i had to sit on a picnic bench by myself in the sun for a little while to do so, just watching my son with his little boy tribe and my daughter playing with her daddy rich.

lord it is midnight i'm in trouble tomorrow.

love,
j

rooftop

i went and checked out the fabled rooftop k-8 to see what all the hoopla was about. there was a large room full of people there on my day for my tour--and these tours take place weekly for almost 3 months!! the school is a little hike from my house. i will give the facts and opinions:
principal speaks--very inspiring again, funny and smart and obviously dedicated. the school is focused on every child becoming a good learner--being able to face and deal with challenges. definitely not a teach to the test school but one with very good test scores. they integrate art across the curriculum. there is art everywhere. mosaics, murals, sculptures, fabrics, paintings, photos. the k classes we saw were definitely the most diverse i have seen in the district. also the most engaged and happy little groups so far. there is a sensory motor room with balance beams, swings, obstacle courses, themes (it was undersea month, oh miles you shoulda been there swinging on the giant jellyfish, putting your hands through the holes in the coral reef). there is a weekly gardening class under a tent in a beautiful big garden. the school is on the side of a hill and surrounded by trees. it was one of the first alternative schools in the city--meaning kids could come from anywhere in sf, and it really does feel like a close and diverse community. sounds like almost all kids continue through middle school, and then go where they want to high school.

i LOVED THIS SCHOOL. i could totally see miles thriving in those cramped little rooms, and i wouldn't mind the drive. sheesh. i was starting to think more about just going for it with immersion, but now i want miles and maya to go to rooftop. i was actually wondering who i could bribe as i got in my car to go in. anyone out there know who to bribe?

get this--last year 800 families applied for about 50 spots. so the chances are slim of getting in.

why aren't there more school like this? seems like location is a big part--a school like sf community is just in too rotton a neighborhood to ever pull in enough parents with resources to feel this energetic and positive. why aren't the two schools in bernal, where there are plenty of affluent families, doing better/more popular?

i see leonard flynn next week so i'll get my first look at immersion. i am trying hard to feel comfortable with the idea but somehow am not, even with every parent i meet with a kid in immersion singing praises for how great it is. i'm just a suspicious lady. it seems to me that immersion programs are designed for kids to learn english. of course i would love for my kids to be bilingual but it's just hard for me to imagine being put into a school where i couldn't communicate. and i still haven't seen all the strong research i keep hearing about that shows how kids who go throught this exact type of program do well later. it is just elementary school. everyone says we can just supplement at home. why can't i just jump on the immersion bandwagon?

my friend from writing class told me the new thing kids say is that you are "doing too much" when you obsess/stress,etc.

i am definitely doing too much.

it has been kind of tough over here lately. almost a month of at least someone sick rattles the already fragile ecosystem that is 1107 potrero ave. we had a nice visit yesterday with miles' school buddy and his cool mom who didn't seem to notice that my kids are little wild freakies who make swamps in the back yard and then jump hard into the swamps ,and enjoy the air on their derrieres, and boss me around, or that my kitchen has not really been cleaned in several years. but
today was all about adult and child temper tantrums and needs not being met and rain. we did make some awesome homeade playdough (thank you kim) and rich took an epic journey through craigslist, san jose, 5 mattress stores and target so that we could finally give our son a bed that wasn't so small he falls out of it every night. my little guy doesn't want to grow up , and he looks oh so small right now sleeping with twilight turtle in the starry expanse of his new twin bed. there is a trundle below with a nice comfy mattress. we are ready for sleepovers now.

by the way, i guess where we should live, for now, is here.

sweet dreams.

tail factory

we are making a lot of tails lately. miles is doing some detailing on this marine iguana tail. and i've laid out a few of the tails from the collection--see if you can identify the animal.

only a year ago or so there was a lot of desperate need around here for more toys. mostly characters. THOMAS AND FRIENDS (if only we had known exactly how brain-damaging these annoying little trains with faces were). cars from the bleeping car movie representing various stereotypes. each type of construction truck known to boy.

and i won't deny we are still enabling miles by buying way too many stuffed animals. the kid is a serious collector. but recently he began asking for us to buy animals tails/costumes and i suggested we make some. i thought he would scoff at this but no. we rolled up a rag, applied some duct tape, used some sharpies and there you go-- a snow leopard tail to tuck in your pants or underwear. miles wears these tails to school, which is a whole other subject, but they have led to some new ideas on how he can get stuff he wants. mommy and daddy don't want to buy stuff. but they kind of like to make stuff. maybe not always. but it is a very satisfying way to make your kid happy, not spend money, and re-use. tonight as i pennied my son he asked me if we could make a structure out of cardboard boxes, by gluing them together. i thought this was a great idea. then he mentioned going to the hardware store to get some wood to build with and i realized he meant a life-size play structure, so i said it was too late to talk about it. but we are getting there.

beware, friends with kids, you may be getting some homeade tails for the holidays.

love,
jamie

creative arts charter

we went to the creative arts charter school fall festival today. our son's schoolmate's mom gave us a little personal tour. i have to say, i liked this school more than i was prepared to, especially after 2 co-workers told me it was "crazy" and they "hate this school". part of the reason i liked it was that we were told who miles would have for k and 1st, and he is a teacher that even my school-hating fellow speech therapists said was wonderful. i like how the school building is huge but the number of kids is small. there is a big parent room. a very cool looking music room with a drumset, piano, and lots of space. they have a dedicated art and music teacher and kids get art and music every week. the k and 1 rooms looked more developmentally right than a lot i've seen in the district, with lots of blocks, toys, dollhouses. i talked to lots of parents, as usual, while keeping tabs on my kids who were smacking the rat, tossing rings, decorating pumpkins, jumping the the jumpy castle, and eating some damn good fair food. most parents seemed quite happy, but some mentioned that several families had switched to claire lilenthal or clarendon (hmm, eenteresting). the parents as a whole looked like a fun, tatooed, fairly diverse group. the school does project based learning and doesn't use the curriculum the rest of the district does. test scores are not stellar. the school is in a pretty sketchy neighborhood. they have afterschool clubs and a little bit of before school care. 8:45-2:45 i think. a little far from us. they have a separate enrollment process so i thingk we will be applying and will see what unfolds...

i'm still feeling lost about schools. proximity seems to be emerging as more of a factor as i imagine leisurely walk to neighborhood schools with my kids. i do think miles would enjoy this school, though. and immersion is still confusing me. should we go for spanish? cool and hip creative school with less structure? high test scores? school with super solid middle class base AND decent test scores but not great diversity? BLL BLL BLL. can the school fairy just decide this for us? sometimes i wish i didn't have such a talent for seeing all sides of everything...

(image is miles trick or treating at our neighborhood liquor store)

day after day of the dead

i hope some of you made it to the day of the dead





procession and altars on friday night. these photos don't even come close to this incredible sensory and emotional experience. rich was was sick with the flu and i ventured out at bedtime with both kids because i wanted them to be with me. at 24th and bryant things were starting up, with a crowd gathering, and then things started happening on the four corners. intense native american (sadly i don't know who they are? aztec?) dancers with animal skulls and rattling beads and feathers all over their bodies danced and chanted. people started playing drums. skeleton people drifted by, danced, walked on stilts. the air is full of incense. a woman walks by with a box hanging around her neck, the top and front cut out. a candle burned in the bottom of the box, surrounded by photos of people (her parents?) on the sides. we see some friends. the kids are just quiet and taking things in. a marching band goes by with ghost dancers. ghost prisoners in chains. we enter the procession and walk slowly down the middle of bryant street. it is so beautiful at night with all the candles everywhere. maya waves and says hello through her pacifier to the people she sees watching from their steps and windows. eerie very ancient sounding bagpipe music floats by. a car-sized stand of indonesian drums comes soon after. there are people laughing and talking, most serious, most looking happy. a group goes by singing give peace a chance. a silly guy tries to crack a whip on his front porch and he hits himself accidentally and catches my eye and we laugh.

now we arrive at garfield park. there is a tree with altars all around and fruit hanging from strings. we see that another part of the park has candles and altars all around odd shapes on the ground and then realize the shapes are the americas. there is a lot of strange and beautiful art. miles notices a baby skeleton in a sculpture's belly. there are names on stones and paper and flowers all over. there is a pile of shoes with nametags. are these shoes of people who died? asks miles, very unexpectedly, and i say yes. by the shoes is a big maze of paper bags and people are walking through it with nametagged shoes, some ending by a fence covered with huge b and w photos. i overhear someone explain that the shoes are from immigrants who died trying to cross the border, and the bags represent their journey, and the fence the end of the journey. i don't quite understand and then hear someone say it is about the war, but nevertheless we walk through and tie a shoe on the fence.

this music and the mood and the candles are so uplifting. it is a gorgeous fall night in the mission. of course you think about people lost, and some strains of music might make a tear come, but it is a celebration. i'm sure it is something different for everyone. come next year if you can.