well, this is annoying. i can't seem to get back to the normal type. writing in italics makes it look like i am writing a dream. maybe i am. on the bus to city college today i was fumbling for quarters and a woman who spoke only spanish paid for me and would not accept my cash once i found it. everyone on the bus was just smiling at me and i assume it was because maya is so freaking cute and was smiling and yelling "hello" to everyone she made eye contact with. at city college there are russian nannies and hip mamas and chinese grandmas and some stay at home dads and cool irish ladies. more talk about where kids are going to school. intriguing talk about unknown neighborhoods not too far from here that are family friendly. read: no one hallucinating and spitting and wearing only a pair of drooping hospital pants, pushing an iv on wheels on the way to the liquor store. on the way home we stop in noe valley and maya definitely singles out homeless people to yell hello to. "hello man. hello bag. hello bag" she says, smiling her largest at a homeless man with a big yellow suitcase. he smiles back.

we were in santa cruz this weekend, rented a big house for my visiting family. it is an emotional and busy 3 days, meeting my sister's new baby, not feeling enough time with my dad. old old feelings resurfacing while chasing kids around. once every year and a half is not enough time with these people in my family. i made the choice to move out here, though. it was me. in a bad parenting moment, after hugging my dad goodbye and having a tiny cry, i tell miles that when he grows up he has to stay near us. "i already decided", he tells me, "i'm staying with you. but maybe i can take some trips, maybe for a few weeks, maybe to someplace like delaware. and you can come with me. and poppop john can take us fishing. does that sound like a good idea?"

yes.

and a wierd talk with my husband. i have been keeping all this where should we live stuff to myself and this blog, as it was driving rich crazy. but we talk about it a little on the way back from santa cruz, and he is not thinking the same way i am about the city. his music friends are here, his work. but he is working all around san francisco, and not liking all of it that much. and he is feeling like our street is just too much. someone recently stole his backpack out of his work van which he just left unlocked for a few minutes while he ran inside. the backpack had a little guardian angel his grandma gave him. and then a few days later he found the backpack, wet, hanging about 8 feet high in a tree behind walgreens. creepy. so he is feeling a little negative, and wouldn't miss the city if he moved to, say, pacifica. i think i would. my friend gradiva wrote to me about how in other places people must not have as many stay and go moments as here (i have to stay here, i have to leave here depending on a small event) and i know what she means. there is a lot of cool stuff going on and a lot of crappy stuff going on and that's what is making it hard for me. but as all the people i am close to become more scattered and busy and far away and the idea of an urban tribe type community fades or is on hold i think i am becoming more attached to this place. a place with peaks and valleys--but a place that is not going anywhere.

my best friend, if you are reading this, i wish you were still here.

and anonymous, whoever you are, thanks for leaving a comment!