gimme a break

ex band members, you will hear the title of this post in a loud and screechy cover song version of the hit show theme song.

so, here i am on my break but it just doesn't feel like a break. and i think i need one. i am planning a mom's night away (hot tub? expensive nice dinner? shopping? some happy juice?), but before i send the email invite to my buddies i hear my son's voice cracking into a sob as he hears the news that,alas, he will have to spend one night without me, spending time with daddy who will spoil him with hours of screen time and bowls of ice cream. this is why i really need a break--these kids need me awfully bad. miles had a realization tonight--"daddy can read me a story, he's the same as you," but it didn't last long. i guess i should be honored to be so loved, but honestly IT IS DRIVING ME NUTS.

so, this is my break from work. we are letting the kids watch lots and lots of high quality animation, especially looney toons and maya's favorite, mr. magoo's christmas special. lots of sugar cookies and candy from the stash kim and kimm gave us. rich is predictably sick with a bad cold on his days off. i browse the cultural offerings in the morning, but it is daunting trying to find something that makes everyone happy. miles would like to check out the museum of the african diaspora, but maya isn't there yet. maya would like to see some animals at the zoo but miles only wants to ice skate there and my back hurts. so, we can play some playdough for 5 minutes, let the kids wrestle. watch the kids fight about something, visit with some other kids and their parents who also seem to need breaks, and then it is time for some more looney toons.

anyway, more rambling. after everyone was asleep tonight i took a steaming hot bath with some tired old ass soak (a gift from my california parents), and read a book, drank some wine and ate a piece of apple pie while bathing. now there's a break.

i'm not complaining, exactly. today was nice. sunny and clear and cool. peter and lisa came over to visit with baby kevin. we ate whole grain pancakes and peter let miles and maya wrestle him and lisa and i chit-chatted. we went to the park and rich and peter and miles played net-less tennis and miles skateboarded and julia joined us with her little boys. back to the house for chicken soup and more wrestling and fairyland play, and then maya took her nap while miles and rich watched daffy and bugs and porky pig. i took care of sheila's cat. took miles for some grocery shopping and then back home for smoothies and turkey burgers, 5 readings of pop up cinderella, some fighting about mommy reading stories, and then the tired old ass soak with pie.

time to start planning the getaway!! i can do it, i will, i will. kids, you will survive without me for one night and i promise i will miss you, and return.

gifts

well dear readers it has been a while. so, since it is so vitally important that the minutiae of my life be chronicled, here is a list.

1. i saw a former co-worker who has been gravely ill with cancer for years. she showed up at a social gathering looking radiant and beautiful. i thought i would never see her again. she is better now. it was a gift.

2.miles had a peace assembly at his school on the last day before the break. kids singing and dancing and banging drums, very cute. i saw a commotion outside and slipped out the back door while my mom watched maya. two big kids were fighting, bigger than the kids at miles' school. another dad came out and handed me his baby. he grabbed the bigger kid and said "c'mere player"in a tough voice i had only heard on tv. he took the kid out of the playground and i handed him his little boy back. just a fight, i guess. some older siblings? i dunno. i dunno. i dunno. it really bothered me. the teachers who saw the fight looked so sad. of course i imagined a worse fight, miles being there. of course it scared me, my baby maybe not being safe.

3. i have been using some parenting techniques that make me seriously doubt my abilities--either the kids are becoming more challenging or i am in dire need of a break. just now i went on amazon and ordered siblings without rivalry, 1-2-3 magic, and how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. we will see

3.we had a christmas eve party last night. a wild band of 4 to 6-year-old boys quickly formed, running wild, flashing each other, chasing tough tinkerbell and belle in their costumes. at one point my son was lying under 4 kids all kissing him. when they let him free i could see trouble coming and when one of his friends approached him he shoved the friend full force back against the dresser. awful. but the rest of the party was good with new and old friends (30 plus), babies, live music, food, creamy drinks. a present of a wonderful family photo our friend took days before. ellie playing small world stuff with maya for hours. rye dancing to ccr.

4. my brother made me a dvd out of 29 old super 8 films my dad made, from around 68-74. he added music. my mom looking so young and beautiful, my dad so young and cool. on the beach, fishing off a rock at my grandparents in massachusetts. my grandparents sitting and watching the opening of christmas gifts, my grandma holding hands with a group of little girls in dresses playing games in our backyard. my tiny self, a baby coming home from the hospital, riding a pony my mom guides, opening bunny slippers, my tutu, beaming, beautiful. baby mike with his big cheeks and eyes, ripping paper off a shiny metal firetruck, full of baby joy.

5. and today christmas with the kids. the pile of gifts and the hopes the gifts will make them happy. they don't of course. by mid-day maya was saying "i want something else" and harrumphing and crossing her arms to show her disgust when the answer was no. miles made it through without a huge meltdown. the wind blew cold and my mom and david came with dungeness crabs. we ate it with julia's leftover pumpkin soup and drank the larkmead wine. all the expectations, coming down through the years, one generation to the next. it's condensed and heightened this time of year. and the changes, the family i had at birth breaking and stretching and changing. watching my kids feel what i felt as a kid. watching films of us as innocents. and feeling like a little kid as i open my gifts now and watch people open mine. talking to my dad on the phone far away, hoping he likes the recording of us singing christmas songs.

6. and grandma rae called me today from staten island. my poppop ben's wife, sick and alone and very old in her apartment. she is jewish, and i don't think her call was connected to christmas. miles answered the phone and then passed it to rich, and by the time i spoke to rae she was a little confused about who was who. she told me my mom had been sending her (paper version) of this blog, and had some very kind things to say about what i wrote, how i would feel differently years from now reading what i had written, and how in writing i could be more sensitive than in person. she talked a little about letters she had written with her husband, reading them later in life. i think she sensed the need of two little people inside for mommy to help--assemble, play, referee, because she got off the phone quickly.

she made me feel a little confused, too. but good.
here's to peace, as much as we can get and give.

what maya told me

i'll try to get this straight: when it tomorrow i be the mommy and you be the baby. and i wear your clothes. and next you be a big girl. (will you drive my car?) tomorrow i drive your car. (will you take care of me?) yes. i think that a great idea. tomorrow, not yet.

this is maya in her small world (as the british say), and miles at the skate park.

living with kids sometimes seems all about the moment but when i step back a lot of what goes on in our lives seems about the past or the future.

definitely not getting enough sleep lately.
xo

wotta weekend

julia came over friday with her little boys. as they were trashing our house and eating frozen pizza rich offered to put all four kids to bed if we wanted to go out for a while. ummm....yes. bye! miles had a little meltdown about not wanting to let me go but we worked it out and then julia and i were out on the town. we walked up 24th st sipping some espresso from sugarlump and checked in to virginia howell, peeked in to the studio de la raza. we made it to argus where shannon was celebrating her birthday and then somehow were drinking lots of horribly named drinks (mostly jon benet ramseys--vanilla stoli, ginger ale,crushed cherry). at first i wondered what we were going to talk about and imagined an early night but soon the talk was flowing with our friends who showed up, ethical treatment of pets, tips on cool world music artists, the lowdown on relationships, bad jokes. when we returned many hours later edison and miles were in the top bunk and maya, calvin, and rich in the bottom. in the morning i was sick as a dog while the four kids puttered around playing hot wheels and eating cereal. success!

the rest of the weekend was the usual bday parties. it's out of control. but the balance felt a little better. mommy got a night out. it was kind of fun to be the mom with a hangover at douglas playground as the kids climbed steep rocks, maya planted the orchid party favors in the sand, and the air was clean and fresh and green, sunny. we drove home through the mission and saw some aztec indian dancers on 24th street. today another party, at the exploratorium, and then tonight we recorded the kids singing some christmas songs while they were captive in the bathtub. now it is sunday night and i have a lot of work to do. booo.

does anyone really care about this? probably not. guess i got the gene from my mom's side, where my great-grandfather chronicled every day in his life, the weather, the events. it's okay to be writing this boring stuff sometimes because what i am really doing, in this wierd world where sometimes facebook is the only communication i have with a friend, is saying hello to you.

hello. wish you were here telling me about your weekend. or better yet you had shared it with me.

human stimuli

i try not to worry about my son when i pick him up each day from his afterschool program and he is just watching the other kids. it seems impossible that he doesn't want to be one of the busy humming little people, digging sand, chasing, moving plastic furniture around, pretending to set up stores and jails and castles. he likes them, he says, he just doesn't want to play with them. it has been 4 months and i guess this is something i should accept for now. he doesn't want to join a soccer team and be one of a crowd of ball-kickers on a field, doesn't want to join the group of kids at school reading "books for breakfast."

no, my kid is hopelessly chatty and social at home, demanding our attention every moment, but in the big world he is, for now, a careful observer, doing his own thing on the monkey bars, watching, watching. there are so many reasons why this might be, but if i can stop worrying then it is very cool. to be a person who loves people, but who can be happy just watching them. a writer, maybe a scientist? and it seems like the city is a good place to be this way, a place where there are thousands of amazing people everywhere we look. the yelling man around the corner, the skateboarders, little lily in her shop, the big kids around him riding bikes in the street, people speaking chinese, french, spanish, the musicians we know playing songs they wrote, our friends the bartenders and van drivers, the salsa musicians in union square, the glass blower at the gallery, the people playing basketball and tennis at the park, the kids with two mommies, the big kids playing kickball. even the homeless folks surviving on the street. kids who are tiny yet walk themselves to school. lots to see. lots of time to choose who to join up with. no hurry.
no hurry at all.

this one goes out to the ancient tribe of yusakuta

we slogged through the last week or so of fevers, stomach flus, and missed turkey opportunities. nothing like a 104 fever to make you appreciate your child. now all seem to be well, although i sense bugs still lurking about our home.

i joined facebook and it has been whipping me around through a swamp of thoughts and emotions. first there is the revisiting of many out-of-sight out-of -mind relationships, ith all the accompanying memories and what-ifs. but more disturbing i think is that every time i see the "what are you doing right now?" i am doing nothing of interest, have just completed nothing of interest, and am about to do nothing of interest. i am playing with the kids. i have just returned with the kids. the kids and i are off to another birthday party. all these OTHER people seem to be doing fascinating things, like creating thanksgiving walls or rendering lard, or being excited about sports teams or, umm, just stuff i don't do.

rich's band played on wednesday night and i really really wanted to go but couldn't scrape upp a babysitter. it was probably a good thing because the stomach bug bit me hard at about 5 a.m. but at around 11, when the kids were asleep, and i knew many of my friends were having drinks at the eagle, making jokes and sitting elbow to elbow at the bar, listening to some cool opening band, i felt pretty crappy. not only do i not play music or create anything fun on my own anymore, i don't even go see others do this. it was a low enough moment, feeling true very immature jealousy, that made me realize i absolutely positively need a creative project.

so i can seem cool on facebook. so i can not be envious of rich. so my kids will be able to see that moms don't just stay home and take care of kids.
because i miss it.

cute, eh?

here is a picture miles drew when he had a 104 fever last night. he is feeling better now, thank you. i know i am his mom, but that is pretty darn cute, isn't it? fish with pink fins and big lips? symmetrical rainbow hills topped by happy crabs?

maya is a princess painting with her fingers in princess world. i have to say i have been getting in touch with my inner pink princess lately, maya's influence is powerful, and i am noticing pink and cute everywhere. i am trying hard to ensure she doesn't buy the disney princess is hurt by unattractive jealous older woman, falls asleep, and is rescued by prince with his kiss story as the only story out there. today she made her princess, riding a pink unicorn, attack a violent sting ray, so i think she will be abrave princess,not a wimpy one.

anyway, reality here is that everyone is sick with what looks like the flu. i am okay...for now. we have hunkered down all day while i tried not to look out the window at the beautiful sunny day. we have had some rough city days with the stuff on the sidewalk left by homeless people and my conflicted feelings as i called the police twice to ask sleeping people to move. i don't want my princess tripping and falling on any scary garbage, but at least one of these homeless campers is a friendly and nice guy who always has a big smile for the kids, and who i hear singing to himself in a sweet voice sometimes early in the morning. however, last night was nice. the waitress at punjab who has known miles since babyhood, and who always said he was a handsome boy, was so excited about his writing 1-10 in chinese characters that she kissed him a bunch and told him she loved him. we also stopped at virginia howell across the street and little one-year-old miles and big miles played for a while in the store. my apologies if little miles caught the bug that gave miles a crazy fever an hour later.

anyway, sickness makes things a little wierd, so this post is especially rambly. i have also joined facebook and have been swept back, back, back into the past. faces from high schoola nd even before. are we still the same people now that we were then? are relationships carried through two line emails for over thousands of miles after 20 years so qualitatively different from face to face friendships that they are something altogether different? anyone from long ago reading this...come visit. we will make you something good to eat and drink some wine and talk about the past, if the loud kids will let us.

3 parties one day

today was a tough day. lots of crying and misery and neighbors all around to hear it. hopefully we will all get some restorative sleep.

maybe today was somehow related to yesterday...three birthday parties in one day--with no tears or tantrums at all. we spent the morning at the skate park celebrating jonah's 6th. friends and friendly friends of friends, lots of talk about work and kids and all the little dudes skating around on the sidewalk--and then abandoning this work to play pirates. and eat cake. then miles and i headed to the new world of his school buddy's high-density condo complex downtown. i was kind of amazed at the indoor courtyard and the mixed use neighborhood. it would be so easy here--a gym, a food store, a library, a bus, all on the block. and no poor elderly man walking around in his hospital shirt, pants down around his knees, wearing NO UNDERWEAR (we saw this guy yesterday between birthday soirees and he made such a big impact on miles that he had a dream about it). the kids i picture miles being shy around were within minutes speaking googoo with him, wrestling, chasing in circles, and one little girl was even riding on his back. then it was off to the quiet peace of brisbane, where most of the homes are festooned with giant lighted pentagrams and we celebrated the second bday of calvin, who may be the number one slugger in the tiny blonde baby league. the kids tried to catch the neighbor's cat with various evil traps until it was too dark

so, maybe the kids with their cake hangovers weren't the only ones miserable today. too much stimulus for me. our neighborhood, with some cool folks but some yucchy piles of stuff and nudity too, and the ever-present knowledge that more good friends will be fleeing this city for a home of their own to own soon? downtown clean and glassy and removed from the dirt on our ground? or a little town close by, where no one locks the door and all was quiet as we drove home at 7:00? and all the couples--watching them manage being couples, and all the parents-- watching them manage their kids, and all the kids growing up with supersonic speed and my two babies navigating it all as best they can.

sometimes i really don't feel wise enough to help them grow up.

too many options, too much sugar. a preview of the holiday season. time to focus on where we are, who our family is, and of course christmas presents. can we make them this year? can we not fly into the tornado of greed and letdowns? the kids have been studying toy catalogues and even maya is starting to say what she wants "for halloween"

will we help out at a shelter somehow with our kid?

again there is no focus with this post and i am sorry, but somehow all these thoughts will compost someday, and become something fresh and new.

other people's projects

here are a few images of other people's projects. the first is miles tromping through the drizzle at cayuga park.
i included a link to a little local video someone made of the park because it fits in with the post topic, but really, you have to go there! there are hundreds of cool wood sculptures but also, for the kids, little trails and tree forts to climb on and in. high above on a rail swooshes the bart train. ONE person, demetrio braceros has made this little park his life's work (or maybe he has other work too, i don't know, but just these carvings alone look like they must have taken, in miles estimation, sixty one thousand years.

also are photos of children made from broken glass we saw at galleria de la raza on day of the dead night, also more amazing in real life. and a picture miles made to put on the altar for his teacher who mysteriously died last year.

right now i (don't worry mom, i won't) really want to quit my job and sink myself into a huge PROJECT. i've been dreaming about playing music again, writing a book (about ferns, dreams are wierd), even transforming our backyard. right now this little blog is about all the project time i get, and i'm only getting that because the kids are staring at the boobtube down the hall. maybe all the election elation about change has sunk into me, i want a change for me, and to work for some big changes for others. i love my students at work, but doing what i do through the frustrating restraints created by the huge school district administration is making me want to get out and make some of my own big changes in the world, get into my own big and little projects.

did that make any sense? not much sleep last night.

love ya

here's what i have been listening to on repeat for 2 hours solid:
sleep, sleep, sleep sleepyhead
sleep, sleep, snuggle in your bed
i will keep you safe and warm,
so sleep, sleep, sleep sleepyhead
from the music together summer songs cd. pretty classical guitar and a woman singing in a sweet high voice. maya has been napping for more than 2 hours, and i have spent this time in my underwater nest, rain falling, listening to this peaceful music, making lentil soup, talking to my dad on the phone. we needed this rain, the geranium out on the deck has a bright red bloom now. rich was away all weekend partying and playing music in seattle while the kids and i did trick-or-treating, birthday parties, and the day of the dead procession. a highlight of the weekend was pretending to be a monster in twlilight at the water park, sitting on the darkening ground as miles and maya ran just past me, shrieking with laughter, and i reached out to grab them. over and over and over until their cheeks glowed red under the streetlight. in studio 24 there were amazing life-size sculptures of children made out of tiny frito-size pieces of sharp broken glass. miles made a picture for his teacher who passed away last year to put on an altar at garfield park. i just found out my sister and family are moving to delaware.

i have this nagging feeling lately that time is going by too quickly, and that there is too much of my life in the past. i think this feeling wouldn't be so bad if so many people i've loved in the past weren't so far away. then they would seem like the present, not the past or even a visit in the future. same old song.

maybe just some evolutionay thing. the days are getting shorter and darker and i just want to hunker down and listen to sleepy music with my kids, eat homeade soup and watch the raindrops hit the glass.

photos are at the boo at the zoo, and then the parade at starr king. maya was very brave and joined the group of big fairies and princesses. miles was wolverine.

xo

c'mon!

there was a long string of weddings for a while there. sorry of i missed anyone's wedding gift, it really did become hard to keep track! then things slowed down for a while.

today two of my favorite people i have met since moving out here got married. they are a solid enough couple that they rebuilt their entire house together, while living in it, with many pets. amazing. and now they are legally wed. maya and miles and i went across town for a little reception to congratulate them (one of us was mainly focused on the cake).

some $&^$%)( folks want to ban marriages between two people of the same sex. oh no, the institution of marriage is threatened! hasn't the institution of marriage had multiple flaws since the beginning of time? why shouldn't people who love people of their own sex have the same civil rights as others? even the same rights as other not so nice and smart and cool people who think they know better than anyone else how we should all live our lives.

i'm sure i am missing something and hope my stepdad never reads this as he will roll his eyes at my simplistic thinking. but there is just no argument here, people!!!!!! let anyone who is old enough to make their own choices marry whoever they want!!!!!

yay kim and kimm.

we love you,
all of us over here even the ones who didn't make it out to your sweet little reception tonight. i hope you drank a lot of tequila for me and rich.

music in the hood

this morning we went up potrero hill to the annual fair. we started with a pancake breakfast at the neighborhood house. i kept thinking how much my dad would love this as we ate homeade pancakes and eggs while an incredible jazz band of what looked like 75 or more year old musicians (stand up bass, trombone, drums, keyboard, trumpet, sax, woman singer in big floppy hat) played jazz. all was free, with jumpy castles, sugar skulls to decorate, pumpkins to paint, an obstacle course to run wild on, cookies to top with icing and sprinkles.

later we walked, pushed/sat in the stroller or rode a batman bike through the mission to see some friends play in a new version of an old band at the homestead. they are called the mummyshots, and awesome. maya drank a shirley temple and miles cavorted on the sidewalk outside with edison and emily while his dad watched him and drank PBR. i heard someone say that having kids in the bar made it seem more wholesome. we even got blessed by a visit from the tamale lady herself.

right now there is a crazy LOUD noisecore (i'm guessing at this description) band playing in a house party nearby, unless someone is blasting a concert album i've never heard. feedback and bass and angry unintelligible screamed/shouted lyrics and drunken cries of joy and all are floating into my window. i can imagine the crowd and keg and sweaty smells and moshing in a little space because i've been there before.

rock on, my neighborhood!

love, me

big buddy

miles told me excitedly today that he had a new friend. his class is teamed up with a 3rd grade class and they met for the first time today and drew pictures of each other. i think this made miles happier than any school activity so far. he recreated the picture of his buddy, and then drew about 250 happy hearts to show how he felt. procratinating bedtime, sure (new and baaaaad trend around here), but so sweet.

"is this your favorite picture i ever drew?"

"i like it because my favorite art is art that shows how you feel."

sorry if this post is nonsensical and/or agrammatical, i am on vicodin for my painful mouth.

at least some folks still have their sense of humor

part of halloween decoration on glen park home.

there was a george bush bat also, but i didn't get the photo.

trick or treat!

i don't wanna work

I am a terrible procrastinator. i have tons of work to do--work there is no time to do anymore while i am at work, and even though the kids have gone to bed beautifully early (7:40, haven't had one of those in a while), i just don't want to do work work at home.

instead i will mention the inspiring conference i attended part of this weekend, coordinated by the green schoolyard alliance. on friday night i took the bus to gough and geary and met many people whose mission in life is kids and nature, and heard a talk by richard louv, who wrote last child in the woods. i won't say he is an amazing speaker, but by the end of the talk my mind was zinging with ideas and inspiration. he talked about how there are different rings when it comes to giving kids more time in nature (where they really need to be). the first ring is programs, the second the volunteers and low-paid workers who run the programs. the third ring was more interesting, more about a big cultural change, and that is what would really make a difference. things really seem primed for this cultural change--mass awareness of environmental problems, consumer economy bombing out, and kids who need to feel that the future is not a big hopeless mess. so i left and dragged rebecca walking with me all the way down to the mission and we had an eco-warrior talk and i was definitely feeling fired up!

we met an old friend nat visiting with his new phD homeade autumnberry chocolate, and a big plastic boot on his leg, and sylvia who i last saw playing walkie-talkie games at burning man and who now has her MFT. my friend at zeitgeist gave me a double jameson and coke for free and then we went to delirium where my other old old friend was djing. i felt so popular, how delightful.

yesterday miles and i walked the alien and brand-new but actually beautiful new neighborhood of mission bay, high-density condos along the channel full of funky old houseboats. we went to a benefit for friends of the urban forest and listened to the sippy cups rock out some covers including a kid version of i wanna be sedated, handled some giant bugs, snakes, lizards, played some old-fashioned games like tug-of-war and, inevitably, miles got his face painted.

enough of this.

did i mention i went to the dentist for the first time in 13 years? i have to get two root canals.

buh bye

anxiety, greening

yesterday my son's teacher mentioned that he seemed anxious, which is what i have been noting for a while, and which makes me very sad. so, we will try harder to make him feel secure and confident. time to amp up the calm and happiness around here, and keep adult concerns hidden away from little people.

walking down the very steep hill from miles' school today we heard a crazy loud noise. it was two middle schoolers zooming down the middle of 23rd street sitting down on skateboards. and then one more came by, i dunno, maybe at 40 mph? is that possible? really fast, with huge serious smiles on theire faces and i had to laugh out loud in amazement. they were flying. sledding. rocketing.

this morning i and 2 others from the starr king greening committee put up a display of photos from other schools around the city showing various ways to green the schoolyard. composting, butterfly gardens, synthetic grass, vegetables, dry creek beds, goldfish ponds, outdoor classrooms. we pasted up a background of green and blue construction paper while maya roamed the school cafeteria finding books and spilling milk, and eventually drawing what looked exactly like a fish skeleton on the asphalt with chalk. we put a sign up saying "schoolyard greening, what do YOU want to see?" along with a flyer for a community meeting next week. i found myself feeling inordinately proud of this little effort. i will be a small part of moving things forward towards health, fun, nature, sustainability for this group of kids and it is a good feeling.

i keep reminding myself that miles was shy when he started preschool. they said he was a quiet observer there, as is right now at school and at his after school program. i see so many kids playing happy and relaxed and i want him to feel that way too. he was the wacky loud and happy king of preschool by june of last year. but it might not be so easy. his daddy was a very shy kid. my dad says he was too. and i remember that excruciating feeling of switching schools and wondering what everyone was thinking about me, the new girl. yuchhhh.

maybe the green schoolyard will help a little. and time, of course.

bye

potrero del sol again

sorry dear readers, i mean mom, shannon, and cassie, for my absence

there is plenty to write about but i have been thinking instead. lying at night, awake, awake, thinking of huge amounts of stressful b.s. at work (tied to school budget problems, mostly) and fantasizing heavily about quitting. still awake, visions of economic and ecological collapse, simultaneous solutions (growing plants to eat in our yard) and doom (someone stealing the plants from the yard, kids starving). still awake, wandering to thoughts of rearranging our furniture to make our nest better so that home will be a happier place (think what you will of this one).

so anyway, i will write what i tend to write about on this blog, another day at the park.

potrero del sol has become our second backyard, 2,3,4,5 times a week i find myself there. today we met cousin natalie and she and maya rolled down the hills, picked and blew dandelion wishes, ran shrieking from miles on his batman bike, and attempted to climb the climbing tree. another perfect sunny day. the two tiny puppies from down the street show up and the kids play with them. someone lets miles borrow his skateboard for a long time and he rides it down a steep hill sitting down, over and over. we hear the wheels of the skateboards constantly now, going by the house, down the sidewalks, bump bump, bump bump, over the cracks. when it is time to leave we pause near the exit. maya, exhausted says my want to listen to the drums, just a tiny bit. they are playing congas, three men sitting down, and one playing another percussion instrument, i don't think i've ever known its name, like a gourd you scratch with a stick. my smell fire says maya. and it is a bbq near the drummers, full of charcoal black chicken. the man with the bbq asks us if we want some, and although my first thought is no thanks i think of how much my little boy loves dark meat, and bbq, and say yes. the man gives us a drumstick on a paper plate, sizzling, but then makes several more trips, another leg for maya, a napkin, two more pieces for me and rich, 2 corn tortillas.

maybe someday when we have a bbq we can offer him some chicken says miles.

and this is good and important, right? this is not an endless meaningless cataloguing of what my kids do and say at the park, right? because they are the future, and we are here in a city, and cities are the future, and won't it be good if we could all share backyards in that future? and listen to drums on the wind? and eat food from a stranger and hope to see him again to pay back the favor? so for all the scary stuff happening in the world right now, all these fine little moments in our lives are working to negate some of that scary bad future. not ignoring it. not really. not hiding or running.

i don't know if any of that makes sense. the benadryl is really kicking in.

gotta go lie down and think some more.
miss you dear readers. wish you could come to our lovely park and we could feed you some chicken and brazilian drumming. we could come up with a plan to make things even better. make our own music in the park.

nautilus

here is miles' version of the chambered nautilus we saw today at the new california academy of arts and sciences. today felt kind of cosmic. maybe that word is in my head as miles has a new buddy named cosmo. but we walk up a huge hill in the sunny morning, listen to bootsy collins on a playground looking over huge dilapidated projects full of poor people, beyond them the bay, the shoreline jagged with docks and warehouses and pointy rusting metal boats. maya and i stop at the cafe on the hill so she can play with the owner's daughter and i can talk neighborhood politics with the owners. we keep walking back down and meet up with our old neighbor molly. at the park i exchange numbers with a mom i meet. skaters whiz around us, young, old, fat, thin, speedy looking, healthy looking, staying on or falling off. maya conquers the hanging net and makes a little boy friend.

and after school i take the kids to this fabulous new museum in golden gate park , full of light and glass and water and plants with fish, alligators, seahorses, penguins, turtles. huge photos and paintings show the earth and inhabitants for the last 4 billion years. whale bones float overhead. sharks and skates bicker for shrimp and squid a museum worker tosses them. i know that many of these exhibits touch on the crisis going on in the earth's environment but we don't read them today.

on the way home miles is asking about how long creatures live, and i lie again and tell him that i won't die before him, although at this point i think he suspects i am lying. the kids spend a whole peaceful 30 minutes drawing together in the late afternoon light on the back deck. we spot a family of mourning doves. before bed i start sorting through a box of old journals and memories my parents have been storing and find a book i wrote and a teacher typed in first grade. not so different from this blog. there is a story titled the country in which i declare i like country things better than city things.

buenos noches

dreams and rock spirals

i have been having a lot of dreams about partying. wild parties with all kinds of people, even a dream starring many old friends and new ones--including a young teen mom with a baby with craniofacial anomalies and an actor from hill street blues--having a big party in my parent's house and OOPS--drinking all their fine sonoma county wine. (sorry mom). what do these dreams mean? i miss my wild side? i need to write about my past? my subconscious is in need of a good professional overhaul?

i sure don't know.

mondays and fridays i walk miles up the big hill to school, pushing maya up a, what, 90 degree slant in the stroller. lately we have been joined by one or more of miles' schoolmates on the way, which is cool. we walk over the river of cars on the freeway. past the ambulances whoop whooping to the hospital and cars with kids going to starr king honk at us sometimes. at the top of the hill across from the school is a big open space with a panoramic view of the city and little criscrossing paths to run on. one day we saw a black and white cat stalking a group of innocent pigeons. another day miles and a friend found broken pieces of a thick white plate he gave to me to take home for a mosaic. if i see broken glass (and i do) i pick it up and throw it away.

yesterday we found this, the spiral rock maze, otherwise known as a labyrinth. it was unexpected and beautiful and here are my kids running around it finding the center.

i tried it too.

jimi rocks the school yard

school update, mostly for grandparents:

well, the kids are in new schools and so am i. i still feel queasy inside that we have out our son in a school program where 90% of the instruction is in mandarin, but (repeat to self many times) i think it is going to be okay. he is going. no tears yet, just a few evening meltdowns. looking isolated in the after school program, but he looked like that at the start of pre-school, too. miles can count in mandarin now!! and he did his first homework packet quickly at the kitchen table, while maya painted her hokey fisher price coloring book.

they play different music each morning at starr king while the kids show up on the playground. salsa one day, funk the next.

yesterday they were playing JIMI HENDRIX. how cool is that???

and maya came home with tortillas she made with her teacher at baby school. and kisses her teacher goodbye, and talks about her little boyfriends there. and gives me about 10 fierce hugs and kisses but doesn't cry when i drop her off.

so, it is all okay for now.

i walked up 24th street to guerrerro tonight and met 2 newish friends for drinks at an irish bar. they are sweet and smart. we talked politics while our husbands tended the children. sarah palin makes us all sick.

it was a cool clear night with a bright white moon and i got a ride home.

night night

maya's pink dream

upon awakening, looking very confused, maya tells me, "the octopus is fighting with the pink princess. in the pink sea. with the pink shirt. the pink pink birthday. the octopus happy now."

and another shot from fabulous fairyland.

no car day with sky parade

i didn't get in a car or bus today, which was nice. two park visits, time to check out the windows and art on 24th street, the flowers and trees and painted houses in our neighborhood. there didn't seem to be any fear in the air today, just a lot of energy with the end of the heat wave.

in the skate park we sat on the hill with our very pregnant friend and her visiting sister. maya wore her belle princess dress and miles pretended to be a bull or battering ram to get my attention. the park was brimming with life: skateboarders whizzing around curved walls, kids running and kicking balls, swinging, rolling down grassy hills, climbing trees, and pinatas and balloons and the delicious smell of grilled meat and charcoal lighter fluid.

as we were leaving we saw a group too intriguing to ignore. a dad, handsome as david bowie, and two 8 or 9 year olds, lugging and pushing dollies and bags with 2 motors, air tanks, a big bag of stuffed animals, and a huge u-shaped black pvc pipe, about 8 feet tall. we followed them onto the field and discovered it had been part of a burning man installation, the Penguin Blaster, and was now being utilized to salvage a play date gone sour. my kids helped stuff animals into the tube, and after a lot of false starts the motors were going, an air tube was hooked up, a valve was pulled and BOOM an anteater, teddy bears, madeline doll, little dogs and cats and a green fish sailed 100 feet into the air and fell gently back to earth. the kids screamed with happiness and went to retrieve them and after about 10 more explosions and the addition of some big kid skateboard physicist helper the first boy announced that it was a sky parade.

we left and watched some men playing congas by the park exit. i remembered for the moment why we live here, it is because i just love it here too much to leave.

plates

last night i heard gunshots. then sirens. i was going to the park today with maya and (probably unwisely) was drawn to the little gathering of people with candles and a bunch of black and red balloons. it was a couple of big latino teenage boys, swigging vodka from a paper bag and reeking of weed. what happened? i ask. i heard the shots last night. 2 people shot and killed, the biggest guy told me. were they your friends? i ask. yes. i'm sorry, i say about times, and it is a wierd feeling, my eyes lock on with the big gang kid and both of our eyes well up with tears.

sad but scary scary scary. gang warfare going on in my neighborhood. and reading my friend's blog in oaktown some scary crime there too.

all day in the neighborhood i felt a twinge of fear, and a suspicion of bad judgment. should all of us stroller pushers out in the sun be in our homes with the doors triple bolted?

we meet a friend at miles' school and soon the boys are running around the water park in their underwear and chocolate stained faces, maya joyous and speedy in a wet saggy diaper, while we hear neighborbood gossip and venting about the violence happening. later other friends come over and we get buzzed on white wine and pizza while the kids watch a movie and draw and hold guinea pigs.

and at bedtime there is a short strong earthquake. i am more buzzed then i thought and am lying eyes closed on the trundle bed while miles asks me about the plates in an earthquake. i realize he thinks we are resting on many many dinner-type plates which are moving back and forth.

is this about how safe we are? drinking our wine and raising our kids on top of a foundation of millions of loosely stacked white china dinner plates, ready to be shaken at any time?

mostly pictures

images:
mandarin kindergarten influenced art with some characters i can't read.
greetings from fairyland.
our new buddies ajax and prince mermaid.

i'm outside on the deck in the dark. a little girl i met at work today told me that sun plus rain equals rainbow. in the house 20 yeards behind ours some friends are listening to loud salsa music and trying to learn a dance together. their laughter falls right down on me and i imagine what they look like whirling around the room, making the funny faces people do as they try new dance steps. i barely know what these neighbors look like and wish this wasn't so. underneath our deck my neighbor is reading her book and smoking her cigarette. global warming was in full effect today, whatever the horrible republican vice-presidential candidate thinks, and the cool night feels good. the kids have just passed out and rich and i are shuffling around like the exhausted zombies we are. maybe someday i will have the energy to learn a new dance. for now, buenos noches amigos.

when will we live next to a river?

what grade will i be after kindergarten? how old will i be when i am done at my school? when will i be able to write hard chinese letters? could we cool down the sun if we put a million pools around it? what happens when you stay under water too long? do some people who don't have enough food to eat eat GRASS? if they don't have enough food to eat do they die?

i'm used to my daughter wiggling and squirming way past bedtime. now miles is doing it too, but squirming and wondering and processing verbally, so many big questions.

and my son wants to live next to a river. this is a consistent wish. which is how i grew up, in my early homes. one river basically a storm drain, but good for dams and frog eggs and finding treasures and mica and clay nonetheless. and the other in a huge woods, with The Big Rock to dive off, a hook sunk into it that once tied up big boats, minnows and catfish, a beach across the way, creepy swimming snakes, even an occasional family of nudists. the sun hitting the sandy other side that you could swim to if you fought hard against the current.

how are all these things related? i'm not sure. but in these hectic days of new teachers and schools and students and families and schedules and after school programs, for all of us, i am wondering myself, when will i ever live next to a river again?

life is feeling short now that i am 40.

news flash: city cleans sidewalk!!!

something crazy happened. a week or two ago i sent a late night email to the city of sf politely venting about the litter situation (you know--human and dog poo, dumped out fried rice, vomit, as well as the usual cups, papers, bottles, etc) on the sidewalk in front of our house.

i got a call the next day from someone named mario who told me all about who cleans up our block and when, gave me his cell phone number, and another number, 28 CLEAN and said to call him anytime there was garbage out front. amazing! but b.s.?

i introduced myself to the 2 guys cleaning up and told them about my call to mario and thanked them for their work. and since them i have seen scarcely a trace of poo or old food. not too much else either. this gives me some hope in my heart.


on another note we made it through week one of kindergarten and my week back to work with only 3 meltdowns (2 miles, 1 me). miles got an eraser and a new pencil for something, he's not sure what because he still doesn't understand anything his teacher is saying. but i'm assuming he's behaving passably well if he is getting gifts.

and today we passed a big family of african-american kids waiting in the bus stop, the kind of family we usually don't talk to, because we don't know them, and a little girl kicked her foot out at miles. he said his funny "HEY" and made a face, and i found out she is in his class at school. very cute in her little uniform and a million neat braids with colored beads. i think miles likes her.

the good old days 30 days ago

here is miles in training with poppop millman, and maya knowingly wrapping her poppop john around her little finger. in lewes this summer we ate crabs and were treated to pizza and my dad took us for boat rides in the ocean to fish and see dolphins. miles was taken to funland on the boardwalk three times, returning each time with an armload of stuffies. i wore my bathing suit almost all day every day. i didn't drive anywhere. ice cream for dessert, every night (look at me for proof of this). two months of no work, no school.

bam we are back in the thick of things and i was not prepared. maya to daycare by 7:45. too many kids to schedule at work. sweet new students with so many challenges--autism, cancer, hearing impairments, elective mutism. all their parents waiting to meet me and see what i can do to help. maya and miles waiting to be picked up by mommy. miles tells me that his new school is okay, but he doesn't know how to speak chinese yet. and they mostly just sit on the rug. and then abusing me on his third day of school, hitting me for the third time in a month, in front of his new afterschool program teacher and fellow parents. why? i disappointed him by not bringing a snack he thought i promised. and he apologizes but says he just can't remember not to hit me. old habit i guess. it shouldn't matter but i am very embarrassed. i am a working mom punching bag. and in the car maya says i no hit my mama, i no make my mama sad. and then has her own crying fit about wanting a pink mermaid, wanting pink, pink,pink,NOW.

and later i let myself have a little cry in the bathtub with maya. what hurt mommy? i tell her my head hurts and she looks very concerned. she carefully dabs my hair with water and asks "your tummy too? i fix it with this." she gently prods my tummy with a rubber killer whale and then kisses my arm. miles pokes his head in, rich looking concerned behind him, and tells me that when he is mad he stops thinking about it so he won't keep feeling that way anymore.

wish it was so simple. i wish i was not working now. too many new things, feeling too needed by too many people. before bedtime miles and i take apart the rotting half wine-barrel planter in the yard. we dig out carrot-like roots from parsley plants. pull the staves off and pile them. think of uses for the metal hoops. together we take the cake of dirt and shovel and move it into low parts of the yard. maya is crying for mommy up with rich on the deck, she won't take daddy for an answer, and for just a peaceful minute, before she steps on a bougainvilla thorn, we all silently spread the brown dirt, miles with his shovel, maya with a broom, and me with my hands, while it starts to get dark and rich leaves to go mix rock music in the studio.

this is a rambling post with no real direction, but how i am feeling now. it's quiet and time to lie down and sleep before tomorrow comes.

we haven't fled yet

we travelled across the country and back on amtrak and had a lovely time in small towns and suburbs. what can i say? green grass yards perfect for hide-and-seek, driveways in front of houses, lush summer trees, friends with big houses and guest rooms. quiet at night and clean sidewalks. swimming pools and more swimming pools.

thought-provoking, yes, but we are back in our crazy loud city, enjoying the new skate park, digging holes by the pacific ocean, playing with our new guinea pigs ajax and prince mermaid, checking out the renaissance fair, hanging out with new and old friends and neighbors, meeting our tiny nephew, returning to work.

and here is miles on his first day of kindergarten. looking at his little face in this photo makes me want to cry. my big boy. my baby. he drives me crazy sometimes but i will state that obvious, i LOVE this kid, so, so , much.

kids and camp fire

i heart p.a.

we fled the city for the fourth of july in point arena. up up and away. we camped at the caperton's with four families, the kids joining and separating organically in the big field, checking out each other's tents, hiking with john, kiccking balls, investigating bugs, and at night toasting s'mores on super long sticks. the kids conked out in seconds in our tent, the sound of wind in the trees and grass lulling us, their daddy a few miles away in town rocking out all night at the oddfellows hall. we saw our delaware friends and kids, miles and edison running around nudies in the heat wave at lisa's. we moved our tent down the road to brian's for night number two. a lot of very late-night partiers showed up and mommy jamie stayed up with them until at least 3, sipping on cocktails and having fun making dumb jokes and appreciating the loud loud music with friends around the fire, as, incredibly, miles and maya and rich slumbered on in the tent which, to me sounded as loud inside as a busy bar. the next day we checked out the parade, and i got tears in my eyes watching some older maybe ex-hippies, march down the street joyfully promoting peace. the extra-action marching band did their funky thing, we saw our friend dressed up as a zebra seahorse, and there was much candy to be snatched up from the street.

it's so so clean up there. i lounged in a hammock at brian's listening to the clinking sound of horseshoes, maya lounging next to me as miles and edison made a pile of firewood under brian's deck that they called a lemur's nest. even the dirt seems clean. the sky so blue and clear, no noise pollution from honks and air brakes and ambulances and yelling crazy people. this happens every time i go up there. should my kids be growing up in a heaven like this??

miles begged to stay until the fire that night but we had to go. the begging turned to threats. he even threatened to hit me if i made him go, and i tried to ignore that one. i tried to be understanding, and i guess i was. i will stay here forever, like a statue, i won't move, if i can't stay for the fire tonight. that's the only thing that will make me happy. that's the only thing so i don't have a fit. so he did end up having a fit. our grown-up friends who were camping another night said it was the saddest thing ever, hearing miles (and his sister who joined in) just wailing and wailing as we strapped them in their carseats and drove up the long driveway. of course the crying stopped when we got some ice cream in town. that makes it all better.

i want to go back soon.

another day

i just finished reading what is the what
by dave eggers. i don't need to write anything about it because the reviews pretty much say it all, but go get it and read it, even if a heartbreaking work of staggering genius didn't do much for you.

in a lame parenting move i let miles whine his way out of going to his day camp today and then ended up reinforcing his lies about not feeling well by taking the kids swimming at the bakar fitness center.
we walked by the huge wooden statues of people and past the men and women working their bodies while watching daytime tv. we got in the pool and joined a few other familes for the parent toddler swim. maya and miles made 10 times more noise than the other kids. look mommy, look brother, i swimming, i swimming! shrieks maya excitedly. the huge windows in this expansive room let us see the panorama of downtown, and cranes building more huge modern buildings in mission bay. miles dives for rings. maya orders us around, and then for a few minutes holds onto her brother in the water as i try to float on my back, just for a moment in this clean room of water.

afterwards we eat our bunny crackers and pineapple on the big green field. the kids walk a hundred yards to the top of a hill and roll down, in uneven lines and circles. when they get back i am told of the 2 cool things they saw, a bird with a bug in its mouth and a dragonfly.

amazing dinner and meltdowns

last night i took miles to an amazing birthday dinner while maya stayed home with her daddy. it was for our friend jessie who lives in a big warehouse on 3rd street. the theme was hearts, unicorns, and italian food, and miles was the only kid who made it to the party of 30+ people. we used to come here and hear bands, or check out small art shows, or sing karaoke, but no matter what the food is really really good. the warehouse has a huge room with a kitchen and loft, and then a burrow of separate bedrooms to the side. there are beautiful much larger than life woodland creatures all over, left over from a previous resident who painted them for a party at the sundancce film festival. two huge tables with booth/couch seating. miles' eyes bug out at a huge bowl of lollipops, a tray of cupcakes, and a tiramisu walking by in sheila's arms. there are many more familiar faces here than i had imagined and i get to catch up with some people while lynn and birgit make monster faces and chase miles around the room.

for dinner: two kinds of clams, crab risotto, 3 different lasagnas, grilled asparagus, zucchini and sausages, lots of salads, homeade red sauce, bottles of wine galore. jessie makes a toast which ends with "to my family who are friends and my friends who are family." there is an epic silly string battle, starring my son, who is looking quite confident and is hysterical with screaming giggles. eric winds things down a bit by projecting a care bears film, about 50' by 50', onto the wall. on the way home, topping off his tiramisu with a lollipop, miles mentions that he would like to go out to more night-time parties.

but today was just awful. miles slept in and then didn't want to got to his camp. we went to the randall museum, which was ok, but after that the whining, arguing, fighting, and not listening from both kids went through the roof. i finally dragged them to the park at 4, but then dragged them right home after miles started jumping up and down yelling that we wanted ice cream which set his sister off wanting ice cream. the evening culminated in miles having a huge crying meltdown because rich wouldn't let him play with the window screen. he explained in great outraged detail that it was the only thing that would keep him " a little bit warm" because to had holes in it. like a nice blanket with holes, just perfectly ventilated and nothing else would do. waaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

of course i am projecting into the fall. did i mention that my ^*(*&*& %^& boss (cassie, you know who i mean) pretty much doubled my caseload??? i am imagining early morning freakouts of miles not wanting to go to kindergarten, me having to go to work, maya not wanting to go to her new day care, both of them wanting me not daddy after work, having to struggle through homework. sounds awful. guess i need to just live in the present and try to take the kids to as many parties as possible while summer is still going.

commander finger does fine

miles went to his first day of superhero day camp today. we entered live oak school and the a teenager showed us the room. kids were milling around playing with superhero dolls and blocks. i hadn't realized when we signed miles up for this camp that most of the kids knew each other. the teacher wasn't overly friendly. miles' friend from preschool was not there as we thought he would be. miles held on to me and asked me to stay. we sat for the circle but then maya started disrupting things (getting up and shaking her booty in the middle of the circle, actually, just as the teacher was going over the rules of the room). miles whispered urgently that i should stay until the end of circle. i took maya to the back of the room but she started yelling about sittin gon her brother's lap. i sensed disaster. so i went back to the circle of kids and whispered in miles ear that we were going. i kissed his big soft cheek. he grabbed me and kissed me back, then let me go...and that was all!

when i returned he was sitting and drawing with a bunch of kids. they each had a superhero they had created through some sort of card game. miles was commander finger. "he points his finger at you and electricity comes out of it." he tells me darby never showed up and they buried a big boy all the way up to his head in sand at the park. he showss maya the bird and we go. i was SO PROUD!!!!!

potrero del sol

this weekend was the grand and long-awaited opening of the potrero del sol park 2.5 blocks away. this is the park where in another lifetime, i would take chicken dog every night. we dog owners would sit and stand around, some sipping an after-work beer, and watch our babies chase each other around the field. in this other lifetime i also had a garden plot at the potrero del sol community garden, where i grew some artichokes, mustard greens, bulb fennel donated by the cool old italian gardener, and flowers.

now the park has a big green fence around it, locked at night. there is a huge concrete skateboard park and it is humming with all sorts of skateboarders, from serious looking 35 year-olds to serious looking 5-year-olds whizzing up and down the tall sides of the bowl. there is also a nice new playground and glorious brand new clean grass (not for long). maya and miles do one of their first sibling team-ups ever when confronted with a funny growling 3-year-old and then some hugging and rolling in the grass.

i had a crush on another dog-walker here. i had long hair and was kind of thin. i came sometimes and sat on the concrete bench and wrote in my journal until it got dark. time is passing and things are changing. if one of my kids doesn't turn into a skateboarder i'll be surprised.

and i can't help but fantasize about the on ramps and over passes and highways surrounding this park and our neighborhood being torn down, potrero becomes a quiet street with houses, bikes, trees, and of course skateboarders.

sidewalk envy

i found myself saying to my son today "i wish this was our sidewalk." it wasn't a really fabulous sidewalk, but he got my point. "but it only has three," he said. "no, ours has three, this one has five." we counted them, five, (he seemed to know how to refer to the number of sidewalk squares from door to curb), as opposed to our measly three. if we had five i would put out some big planters and maybe dig out some of the sidewalk for a garden. i would put a little bench, although i really couldn't do that because it would instantly become an additional room for the crowd that hangs out and drinks in the walgreen's bus stop.

timing is off. preschool is ending thursday and miles said today when i asked how school was that he tried to have as much fun as he could since school is ending soon. this ended up being the week we transitioned maya into sleeping in the same room as her brother. it started while rich was away over the weekend and all seemed peaceful. tonight it hit miles that rich was home and maya was still there, in his trundle bed. there were a lot of big real tears and anguished wails about her being there, invading his space and his mommy time. big awful cries which were finally stopped by a pathetic mommy move of digging up a star wars plastic lightsabre and giving it to him as a way of saying thank you for sharing your room with your sister (translation, stop crying and expressing your feelings kid, or you don't get this cheap toy). the ploy worked, kind of.

wish there was more--more squares in the narrow sidewalk outside our house, more years for play in preschool, more space and mommies to go around. it's hard not to feel greedy sometimes.

miles and nina, artsy photo miles took of friend on preschool camping trip

well, you get behind with the blog and then there is too much to write about. the soofis have come and gone, a whirlwind of kid-watching, friend-visiting, and reminiscing. it is good to still feel close to people who are far away but a little bittersweet when you want them in your everyday, or at least every week or two life.

we spent the heat wave mostly at the 24th and york st water park. maya hogged the baby fountain, the only one that doesn't spray 10 feet up in the air, and miles screamed and ran in his underwear for hours. we keep meeting more cool families whose kids miles will be going to school with, which helps to reassure me that going with a neighborhood school was the right thing to do.

my old friend nat sent a video of himself talking about foraging in n.y.c. and it reminded me how much i enjoy foraging. i have a great book about foraging in the bay area, the flavors of home, but it is really best to learn in nature, with a human guide. tonight while trying to keep maya safe from miles' increasingly powerful soccer ball kicks i took a little inventory of what could be foraged in our back yard--some blackberries, borage, nasturtiums, oaxalis, a dandelion or two--pretty good for plants that have just made their way into our little green space.

it is very quiet here. i think i will go take a long bath. goodnight.

rock on

went to 12 galaxies last night to see rich's band play a birthday party show. i drank several whiskey drinks very quickly and was hurting this morning when maya woke up at 5:20, but it felt good to dance with old friends and watch my husband playing guitar lying on his back on the floor. music was a big part of my connection with my spouse and others in the early days of being an adult and sometimes i forget the power being in and around live music has to bring people together. i mean, you have to pretty much have your mouth in someone'e ear to talk to them at a rock show, and that promotes closeness. there was an awesome emo-core band, touched by a janitor, that took me back to about 1993, and phil crumar was playing with a big happy band including a trombone. it is kind of wierd, many of our friends from the rock and roll days are the ones who are still in the city, and one by one they are buying houses and/or talking about or having babies. maybe the friends in this crowd are ok with smaller spaces or not being home-owners. the rock and rollers have turned out to be the least transient in our community of friends. i'm glad they are still around. rock on. love you guys.

mandarin immersion

there was an article about the starr king mandarin immersion program in sfgate today. kinda' cool...maybe miles will like his school because it is famous (a new interest).


this week i said goodbye to many of the little cuties and their families i've worked with for the past two years. i will miss them.

my best friend and family arrive in town today. i can't believe they have been gone 2 years. we will have to pack in the fun for the next 2 weeks.

bye

critters

last week we saw a baby rat in mckinley park. maya fed it some bunny crackers. camping we saw a wild turkey and some deer. in sonoma there was an immobile hurt fledgling by the duck pond that we spent about an hour trying to track down a ranger for. today we met one of miles' future classmates up at the potrero hill rec center. the visit started a little badly, as the boys scrabbled up a hillside and found lots of broken glass, which i climbed up to help them over as maya whined for me from below. then a couple of kids appeared with a toy gun that shot plastic balls and gave me the creeps. but the kids relaxed and ended up playing a little and hugging goodbye. on our way out we saw a garter snake wriggle through the fence. and from the deck at home i saw 3 yellow lorrakeets (i think?) swooping and flying around our backyards, at one point just a few feet from my head.


last night i spent about an hour reading websites and blogs about urban chickens.

i think i want to make this blog more interesting to more readers. any suggestions, my devoted and beloved audience of three...maybe four...??

my fault?

i took miles on his preschool camping trip friday night. over 70 people, about half preschoolers, at china camp state park. rich stayed home with maya and i didn't know what to do with myself. i wandered around chit-chatting while miles ran free lord of the flies style with a pack of kids. they climbed in and out of trees, tied ropes to things, ran up and down hills in the dark with flashlights, threw rocks, found giant beetles, battled with sticks, pushed and pulled each other perilously close to the edge of a rocky creekbed in a red wagon, and burned marshmallows on sticks to hold up like torches in the night. as i sipped lots of red wine from my cup and watched miles having such a blast, and started to slip into my sentimental sadness about how here was this great community that was going to end soon (miles' last day of preschool is the end of june) and how great it would be if the kids could all stay together, it dawned on me that it was MY FAULT. if we lived in a small town he WOULD be going to kindergarten with most of the kids. they wouldn't be ripped apart to go to 30 different schools and could continue to wrestle and refine their poop jokes for years to come.

so, my tiny devil's advocate says, would that be so great? you grew up in a smallish town and really didn't want to stick around there.

isn't there some happy medium? perhaps i am an idealist but i am going to try so hard to hang on to the people we have made connections with through miles' school. maybe not deep deep level connections, but enough that you know what i'm talking about, friend. with some layers of show and defense pulled back. maybe we really can nurture our little boys' blooming friendships. as we roasted hotdogs with one of miles' buddies and they got giddy giggly making private jokes about the stars and then the next morning as one of his friends gave him an unexpected and strangely hilarious hickey on his back i felt strongly that i was going to help miles keep these friends, even if i had to annoy their parents to do so. and as i sipped my wine throughout the evening and looked into some of the mamas' eyes i thought maybe i will make the time to nurture these seedling friendships too, before they are thinned out by the demands of feeding, driving, and surviving these young kid years in the big city.

soft walls

this weekend we fled the city and went to costanoa with some friends. we met two boys making a crazy trap in a tree for mean girls, heard some native american storytelling, played in an inlet at pomponio beach, spent a lot of time making sure the kids weren't running on the road. miles and emily were given a chance to take a very short ride on horses who had just returned from guiding other horses and people on trails up in the hills. their eyes are so big and intelligent, and so different from ours. a groundhog shared our site. there was a lot of tree climbing.

we didn't get much sleep, though. miles had a little trouble once it was time to crawl into the sleeping bags and stated tearily that he wanted to go sleep somewhere with hard walls. maya couldn't get into a deep sleep THE WHOLE NIGHT which was a real killer. all she could state in her defense was that "the baby lights wake my up."

i was thinking about the ohlone indians and their sustainable lifestyles as we cruised back up the coast. about how we wrecked their civilization and how ours is on the brink of collapse. it makes me glad some people have been working to protect native american indian knowledge from disappearing completely.

my mom and stepfather are travelling cross country right now with their cat molly to begin the next chapter of their lives as retirees in sonoma. they narrowly missed some tornadoes. wish them safe travels.

guest blogger rebecca goes to the prom

here is a guest post from my friend rebecca. she is a very fun and energetic person with that midwesterner's sense of hospitality. she has kind of stumbled in to being a teacher in a high school special day class for "severely impaired" (the district's lovely term) students. last week she helped out with the special olympics AND volunteered to chaperone two of her students whose prom was the first date for both of them. sorry i am posting it a bit late.

thanks rebecca!!!!

p.s. she also sent a link to some cool photos

Happy Memorial Day to you all. Thanks Jamie for giving me a chance to post on her amazing blog. Here’s SF Weekend Wrap-Up – take #1.

Things were hoppin’ in San Francisco this weekend among the under 21 crowd.

Friday was the inaugural SFUSD Special Olympics Track and Field Day at Kezar Stadium. The stadium was filled with over 350 elementary, middle and high school special-ed students from 26 schools plus parents, teachers, paras and therapists of all sorts- speech, physical, occupational, and more. The students competed in a variety of running/rolling events, turbo-jav, ball toss, and long jump.

Emily’s school, FS Key, brought 5 general-ed classrooms of kids along to cheer on the inclusion kids from their rooms. They cheered their own cheers at top volume. Totally adorable.

And my own group of rambunctious high schoolers gave it their all. One threw a softball 92 feet – about the distance from 2^nd base to the catchers box. Way to get SF’s special-ed population on the map!

The weather was glum on Saturday, so Em and I tidied the house, or at least I did, while Emily danced her own version of the entire Nutcracker.

Then, it was off to the next big event of the weekend: Balboa High School’s PROM.

Two of my students had wanted to go with each other. So, I met N. (chaperoned by his mom) and K. (chaperoned by her 19 year old sis) at the In-N-Out Burger joint on Jefferson for some viddles and to shake off everyone’s nerves. They were dressed to the nines – N in a black tux with white tie and K with a lovely cantaloupe colored floor length knit frock and a pretty black jacket zipped and tied modestly to the tippy-top. When we finally made our way into the ballroom’s entrance the mom, sis, and I kept our distance of about 20 feet or so while the young coupled made their way to a table right in front of the dance floor. It was a memorable night for them I think – awkward at first but then eventually doing all the prom things dancing, nibbling appetizers, mingling with other students and teachers, dancing some more. But when the first whiff of smoke from the soon to be smoldering dance-floor hit the consciousness of the family chaperones our young pair was quickly escorted OUT OF THERE and back to their pumpkin, I mean car and sent back home around 9:40.

I had to stay a bit longer just to soak in the ambience. The students looked great. All of them! The young men now dress to match the colors of their dates’ dresses – with some combo of shirt, vest, tie, armband, and boutonniere the same color. So I was seeing guys with the de rigueur black pants with shocking pink or lime green or lemon yellow on top. Really looking sharp. As for the young ladies: strappy floor length dresses of every possible design were all the rage. Along with up-do’s of every possible creation. Sexy and elegant. A fun evening and my first prom in over 20 years. Next year I’ll have to bring a date!

Sunday in San Francisco’s hippest event had to be the annual Capsule Design Fair in Hayes Valley. The rare sunny weather beat down on shoppers, vendors, and French Bulldogs.

Tomorrow’s back to work but here’s hoping you all had an unbelievably lazy Monday.