well, to make a long long long story short, after 3 days in a row of doctor visits, including a 10-3 marathon today complete with intern, attending dr, another attending dr, x ray, a drive to another hospital, a long wait for the orthopedist, less than a minute of consultation with the orthopedist----- bam, maya has a little cast on her arm for a recurring case of "nursemaid's elbow."
i probably cried more than my amazing and brave angel baby maya grace millman. she was incredibly good and patient. it was hard to see her in so much pain. miles felt his own emotional pain, jealousy, which was much harder to be empathetic with ("maya--gets--everything" he said tearfully after i picked him up from the fabulous ilsa miller's house--a schoolfriend's mom who took him in for a day-long playdate), but i dug down deep into my mama pocket and tried. he is still so young after all, i am idealistic to imagine he wouldn't have some jealousy over all the attention maya was getting. then we get home and he has a little fever and a sore throat.
i am wiped out. my mind goes into a spin that there is some bigger badder problem with maya's joints, and there is that nagging guilt--i was holding her hand when this happened after all. oh, i know there are far far far worse things that happen to people and their kids than elbows popping out of joint or intense jealousy and anger. seeing maya's little face as the dr moved her elbow around, she stared into my eyes and tried to half smile through the pain, such a brave beautiful little person, and miles just feels it all so much he can't even pretend to be brave, we all handle pain differently, guess it is up to me to try and prepare us all for the inevitable more.
i promise to write more about life in the city soon. daily life, work and home, have suddenly escalated in demands and intensity and i am just trying to keep up as best as i can. i feel like so many people need me to take care of them lately. i want someone to come and take care of me...gaga googoo
love
Friday, February 29, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
rich is 40
well, my husband is 40 now. when i first saw him he was probably 21, a cute guy i didn't know in a history class. whoa. we had veggie lasagna and penne and meatballs and rolls from lucca on valencia street, a huge chocolate rum cake from dianda's, a half keg of rolling rock beer, 4 bottles of jameson's, only 7 little kids, one whoopee cushion, 2 rented videos to keep the little kids happy, one injury (cousin natalie got whacked in the head by a giant horseshoe magnet), and a whole lot of karaoke going on. by the end of the night chris and rich were playing guitar duets lying on their backs on the living floor and we even played the point arena song for brian. maya and miles partied until 11 or so, and we paid for it with some tears at dinner time tonight but hey, worth it, right? to sing karaoke and get loud and obnoxious with a lot of friendly and long-known faces? maya dancing honky-tonk and little marta inventing endless permutations of whoopee cushion play and miles and andy pretending to poop objects and cracking each other up. kim was there with rich on her t shirt. uncle evan riled up the little ones but didn't whip them into a full-on frenzy. shhh, someone confided to me they planned to have children. oh yeah, and mike d and sheila's incredible rendition of summer lovin'
of course there were some loved people missing from this gathering. we take what we can get.
we put on the twinkly outside white christmas lights and i bragged about my city view, of the yards and trees and some open sky. i think if we could only see the backs of people's houses, or the sky only if we looked straight up, i couldn't take it. our downstairs neighbors came up around 10, their 3 year old blonde beautiful girl willow wanted to "see the band at miles' house."
4 things i heard that made me feel good: julia said i looked nice, even though i am feeling like an elephant these days. somebody i didn't see said this was a great place. brian said this party was just like the good old days with one of his good old brian smiles. and rich's big birthday toast was that we would all be toasting together at our 50th birthdays.
of course there were some loved people missing from this gathering. we take what we can get.
we put on the twinkly outside white christmas lights and i bragged about my city view, of the yards and trees and some open sky. i think if we could only see the backs of people's houses, or the sky only if we looked straight up, i couldn't take it. our downstairs neighbors came up around 10, their 3 year old blonde beautiful girl willow wanted to "see the band at miles' house."
4 things i heard that made me feel good: julia said i looked nice, even though i am feeling like an elephant these days. somebody i didn't see said this was a great place. brian said this party was just like the good old days with one of his good old brian smiles. and rich's big birthday toast was that we would all be toasting together at our 50th birthdays.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
parks and people
we parked it up this weekend. cortland street park sat am, glen park canyon in the afternoon(where we climbed to the top of the rock, surrounded by wild mustard and radish, miner's lettuce, blue sky, and friendly dogs. miles and jonah were wild animals, people with stick crutches, and wanna-be baseball players.) today we hit the amazing golden gate park playground by the carousel. call me a freak, but i could live here. big trees all around, big swings and slides and sand and cool sculptures and a sky high climbing structure that inexplicably doesn't worry me. kids are laughing and calling for mommies and daddies and babies are toddling around gripping the play structure. miles finds a buddy from school to climb and kick a soccer ball with , and emily and rebecca are there to chase and play monster. maya goes to the top of the slide and there is a 10 year old boy goofing off and blocking the tunnel. i whisper to maya, "tell the big boy you are next" and she yells "maya next, boy!!" later she is terrified by a police horse and confides in me "maya scared horse big nose." good to know. soon she is bouncing and kicking with excitement about the carousel. "yay, yay maya ride carousel, yay!!!" she makes a lot of strangers smile and this makes me feel proud.
we see our neighbor at this park, and also our friend narasu. this people tally always makes me feel a little better.
in our neighborhood i carry maya past three bikers at an intersection who look vaguely familar and then we see each other--it is john kennedy and his new wife and james. friends from the distant san francisco past, who came on some of the road trips and crazy camping. my most vivid memory of john kennedy is being astonishingly naked in a sauna with him and cassie and nat and hugh maybe? other steaming drunk people being very loud and fast-talking and straight in a kind of calm and quiet gay resort on the russian river, the willows (i highly recommend it). i ended up doing a handstand on the edge of the dock, which blows me away since these days i can barely do a somersault.
anyway james is back in the city after being in europe and came and checked out our bottom flat for sale. i am telling everyone i know looking about it. i still have my fantasies about a little intentional community, still fantasize about how it could have been here with friends who moved away. i guess it would be smarter to focus on what it could be like with people who move in.
i talked to gradiva about this at the park--if she and the other jonah and little ernie had not moved we would have 4 cool little 4 and 5 year old boys with compatible families on one block. if i had convinced any of my friends planning to have families to buy the apt below we would have a rocking house with kids up and down the steps and pets and chickens in the backyard.
i still have my fantasies. pathetic as they are.
we see our neighbor at this park, and also our friend narasu. this people tally always makes me feel a little better.
in our neighborhood i carry maya past three bikers at an intersection who look vaguely familar and then we see each other--it is john kennedy and his new wife and james. friends from the distant san francisco past, who came on some of the road trips and crazy camping. my most vivid memory of john kennedy is being astonishingly naked in a sauna with him and cassie and nat and hugh maybe? other steaming drunk people being very loud and fast-talking and straight in a kind of calm and quiet gay resort on the russian river, the willows (i highly recommend it). i ended up doing a handstand on the edge of the dock, which blows me away since these days i can barely do a somersault.
anyway james is back in the city after being in europe and came and checked out our bottom flat for sale. i am telling everyone i know looking about it. i still have my fantasies about a little intentional community, still fantasize about how it could have been here with friends who moved away. i guess it would be smarter to focus on what it could be like with people who move in.
i talked to gradiva about this at the park--if she and the other jonah and little ernie had not moved we would have 4 cool little 4 and 5 year old boys with compatible families on one block. if i had convinced any of my friends planning to have families to buy the apt below we would have a rocking house with kids up and down the steps and pets and chickens in the backyard.
i still have my fantasies. pathetic as they are.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
feeling some love
well, the last few days anxiety was high. i think it was set off by the brief visit from our homeless friend. he came to use our phone, as his camper van he is living in now had been towed. he looked terrible, skinny, very dirty, black circles under his eyes. he used rich's phone and made some feeble jokes about how he could do some nannying for us. his brother had been out to visit, recently but our friend was still living on the street. i sensed some deep confusion in him, felt sick looking at the dirt on his long thin nose.
yesterday i stopped by rainbow grocery and got teary talking to a very together seeming homeless woman selling the street sheet outside. i bought a copy. rainbow was buzzing with positivity. i bought some fair trade coffee, feeling good about not ripping someone off or chopping down too many trees in the wrong place. i filled up on bulk items feeling good about using less packaging. i bought some organic produce and cheese and felt good about not contributing pesticides to the world. i bought a bunch of green paper and cleaning products. this simple stuff made me feel a little better.
and when i dropped miles off at school today there was a big buzz for valentine's day. kids giving away and getting homeade heart necklaces, cards, trays of treats, a brand new baby to see and a dad of a one-day-old dropping his big guy off at school. miles brought his scranimals book to share and sounded so mature telling his teacher, "ther other kids might like it too, it's really funny." driving home past the valentine displays of huge balloons and flowers and plastic hearts i felt calm about materialism and waste. little by little we will all learn what we need to do to love and take care of each other in this world. i feel affection for the hipster lady running across the street in heels and black to catch the bus. the little ones walking to school holding hands with their parents. the jumble of houses huddled together in the mission, under a sunny blue sky. and the love is there even for the people who live around walgreen's with their shopping carts. there's lily in her dry-cleaning shop working away on the sewing machine. my house strewn with "maya baby stuff", miles' cape, the dust dancing in the window sun, the bluebirds flitting around on our deck. i put the tofurkey roast my meat-loving husband bought for us into the oven and hope for the best.
yesterday i stopped by rainbow grocery and got teary talking to a very together seeming homeless woman selling the street sheet outside. i bought a copy. rainbow was buzzing with positivity. i bought some fair trade coffee, feeling good about not ripping someone off or chopping down too many trees in the wrong place. i filled up on bulk items feeling good about using less packaging. i bought some organic produce and cheese and felt good about not contributing pesticides to the world. i bought a bunch of green paper and cleaning products. this simple stuff made me feel a little better.
and when i dropped miles off at school today there was a big buzz for valentine's day. kids giving away and getting homeade heart necklaces, cards, trays of treats, a brand new baby to see and a dad of a one-day-old dropping his big guy off at school. miles brought his scranimals book to share and sounded so mature telling his teacher, "ther other kids might like it too, it's really funny." driving home past the valentine displays of huge balloons and flowers and plastic hearts i felt calm about materialism and waste. little by little we will all learn what we need to do to love and take care of each other in this world. i feel affection for the hipster lady running across the street in heels and black to catch the bus. the little ones walking to school holding hands with their parents. the jumble of houses huddled together in the mission, under a sunny blue sky. and the love is there even for the people who live around walgreen's with their shopping carts. there's lily in her dry-cleaning shop working away on the sewing machine. my house strewn with "maya baby stuff", miles' cape, the dust dancing in the window sun, the bluebirds flitting around on our deck. i put the tofurkey roast my meat-loving husband bought for us into the oven and hope for the best.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
little mama
maya is missing again. she often disappears to do her own thing. this would be fine except that her own thing includes climbing up to get things from forbidden drawers, putting various non-foods in her mouth, destroying all things paper, etc. we have just returned from work and school, rich is getting dinner in the kitchen, miles is talking a lot and already negotiating for dessert. i find maya in the bedroom on the big rocking chair holding her baby. "shh, baby shershey*". she starts to sing rock a bye baby and allows me to sing the whole thing with her, quietly. she notices the baby's diaper is off and cries "oh no, baby diaper broken" and puts it back tenderly, then rocks and sings some more holding her baby doll. miles bounds in and finds a stretchy arm monkey with holes in his hands. soon they are both laughing as he stretches the monkey and it boings quasi-dangerously in all directions.
she is a good little mommy these days.
*shershey is nursing
she is a good little mommy these days.
*shershey is nursing
Monday, February 4, 2008
juxtaposition
well, thanks you two. yesterday afternoon pushing maya home from the cold wet park i met two canvassers who were very passioinate and got me thinking about how business as usual isn't working too well around these here parts. so, i do like hillary, but i'm going to go with barack.
miles wants to build stuff lately. not legos, not a cardboard model, but the real thing. he was excited about building a home for a homeless person out of some cardboard and driftwood sticks he found on the the back deck in a rare moment of sun. and he had some cool plans to build houses on top of our house, as well as a tree taller than our house on top of our house.
living in the suburbs i guess he would be protected from the grim realities of homelessness and housing crunches and lack of enough trees. but living here he doesn't seem depressed. he seems full of ideas and solutions. i guess i need to be more like my boy and not dwell in the fact that almost all of the community i felt so close to less than a decade ago has drifted or purposefully travelled away from me.
these rainy days put me to bed early and make more time for dreams filled with faces from the past, many of whom i long for.
i also stumbled upon a cool article about my neighborhood on the spur website.
i will try the link, i haven't been so successful lately.
last, a beautiful sunny afternoon in the cortland street park. a sturdy smiling boy jumped into my arms and i knew he had autism. very cute and friendly and miles' size. his dad was a just a bit crazy but cool and friendly ex-rocker. maya and miles and this little guy walked the stone circle around the sand, taking turns jumping on me and knocking me down. aren't i a good mom? this guy and family had fled the city about 5 years ago but had returned and were happy in bernal. maya climbs so fast to the top of the structure now, and bounces wildly on the bridge. miles looks out for her safety. as we pass the library, we hear music. it is an accordion lady, a young beautiful (russian?) one playing moody accordion music on the stone steps. our new little friend goes up and presses some buttons. miles slides down the smooth wide marble flanking the steps and of course his little sister tries too.
it is juxtaposition, of almost everything, that keeps it interesting in our lives. as maya says of the musician "look mommy look, the sound, listen"
miles wants to build stuff lately. not legos, not a cardboard model, but the real thing. he was excited about building a home for a homeless person out of some cardboard and driftwood sticks he found on the the back deck in a rare moment of sun. and he had some cool plans to build houses on top of our house, as well as a tree taller than our house on top of our house.
living in the suburbs i guess he would be protected from the grim realities of homelessness and housing crunches and lack of enough trees. but living here he doesn't seem depressed. he seems full of ideas and solutions. i guess i need to be more like my boy and not dwell in the fact that almost all of the community i felt so close to less than a decade ago has drifted or purposefully travelled away from me.
these rainy days put me to bed early and make more time for dreams filled with faces from the past, many of whom i long for.
i also stumbled upon a cool article about my neighborhood on the spur website.
i will try the link, i haven't been so successful lately.
last, a beautiful sunny afternoon in the cortland street park. a sturdy smiling boy jumped into my arms and i knew he had autism. very cute and friendly and miles' size. his dad was a just a bit crazy but cool and friendly ex-rocker. maya and miles and this little guy walked the stone circle around the sand, taking turns jumping on me and knocking me down. aren't i a good mom? this guy and family had fled the city about 5 years ago but had returned and were happy in bernal. maya climbs so fast to the top of the structure now, and bounces wildly on the bridge. miles looks out for her safety. as we pass the library, we hear music. it is an accordion lady, a young beautiful (russian?) one playing moody accordion music on the stone steps. our new little friend goes up and presses some buttons. miles slides down the smooth wide marble flanking the steps and of course his little sister tries too.
it is juxtaposition, of almost everything, that keeps it interesting in our lives. as maya says of the musician "look mommy look, the sound, listen"
Friday, February 1, 2008
video by david cronan
the night before maya's bday an old old friend was in town to visit mike, matt harris, now doing his post doc in germany with his wife. they have a little one now, lily.
mike organized a jam session with matt, kim, and chris at lennon studios. i took the bus down and wandered around under the freeway a bit with my brother's bad directions. 2 men living in shopping cart cities asked me in a friendly way if i wanted to buy some speed. no thanks. i did get this feeling, though, that i needed a strong drink. i bought a big bottle of jaegermeister at trader ho's and found the studio. i just had that feeling, a slight disconnect between brain and body, that only a little heavy drinking would cure. it was SO GOOD to see my friends in this studio. i surprised myself by going straight to the drums and banging away. it felt SO GOOD to bang on drums for awhile with my old friends and bandmates. then i spent a long long time singing/yelling/howling into the mic. this is cheap therapy, for those of us with kids and jobs. thank you mike, matt, kim and chris for this fun night. i came home in a taxi and threw a 30 buck tip at the driver.
the next morning was not so pleasant as i prepared for a 2 year birthday with an early rising 2 year old, a jealous 4 year old, cupcakes rich forgot to add eggs to, a headache, and a roiling tummy.
which all brings me to the point of this post, to let you see and hear my old old band yusakuta, if you want. parents, skip this one. it actually sounds pretty bad, but thank you so much david cronan for capturing this part of history for me. it brings back emotions--this was such a fun time, but i just want to grab mr tedduh out of the video and keep him safe with me.
here's the link to david's video
mike organized a jam session with matt, kim, and chris at lennon studios. i took the bus down and wandered around under the freeway a bit with my brother's bad directions. 2 men living in shopping cart cities asked me in a friendly way if i wanted to buy some speed. no thanks. i did get this feeling, though, that i needed a strong drink. i bought a big bottle of jaegermeister at trader ho's and found the studio. i just had that feeling, a slight disconnect between brain and body, that only a little heavy drinking would cure. it was SO GOOD to see my friends in this studio. i surprised myself by going straight to the drums and banging away. it felt SO GOOD to bang on drums for awhile with my old friends and bandmates. then i spent a long long time singing/yelling/howling into the mic. this is cheap therapy, for those of us with kids and jobs. thank you mike, matt, kim and chris for this fun night. i came home in a taxi and threw a 30 buck tip at the driver.
the next morning was not so pleasant as i prepared for a 2 year birthday with an early rising 2 year old, a jealous 4 year old, cupcakes rich forgot to add eggs to, a headache, and a roiling tummy.
which all brings me to the point of this post, to let you see and hear my old old band yusakuta, if you want. parents, skip this one. it actually sounds pretty bad, but thank you so much david cronan for capturing this part of history for me. it brings back emotions--this was such a fun time, but i just want to grab mr tedduh out of the video and keep him safe with me.
here's the link to david's video
vote?
so, who to vote for on tuesday?
i'm not a very political person. in college i remember going to a pro-choice rally in d.c. i had a bad cold and ended up guzzling a bottle of cough medicine with codeine that made me wacky. i yelled out the windows of the bus on the highway. i watched in a daze as people dressed as grim reapers with red-painted baby dolls glued onto scythes walked by. a girl i knew as my roomate's on and off bed buddy was so overcome with emotion that she flung a coat hanger into a crowd of reaper types chanting hey hey ho ho baby killing's got to go behind a police barrier.
so many different people and their different opinions. so many grim reapers and coat hanger flingers.
i think i was on student council a few years or so in middle school. this was definitely a ploy to get out of class.
now that i have a little more time to panic about the future for my children i am thinking more about politics. i actually liked john edwards quite a bit but he has gone bye-bye. farewell john edwards. listening to npr, reading the economist and the new yorker, these things are not helping me choose between barack and hillary. do you have an opinion? will you share?
what i want from the next administration:
1.stronger policies for the environment. love your mother!! how did things get so bad? what is wrong with human beings? this would include thought-out investment and support for good technologies (i know many people think technology is neutral, not me)
2. economic policies that help people who need help (including health, homes)
3. education reform that moves kids towards being future parts of numbers one and two
4. money away from the war
i wish i knew more about the global economy and trade, but i know almost nothing. fair trade sounds good to me though.
and while I'm at it, how about someone to babysit my kids once in a while? help me lose some weight? scrub my floors? turn potrero avenue into a pedestrian mall? bring my friends back to san francisco? cure me of my heights phobias? return my library books?
so, anyone out there have any ideas for me? maybe when i am older i will have time to be a better researcher.
i guess the bottom line is that i want the democratic candidate most likely to beat the republican candidate. hopefully that will be the best person for the presidency...
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