iron will

well, maya finally started walking today, about 10 minutes after she got to the babysitter's. we spent about 3 hours at the doctor's office yesterday as three doctors tried various strategies to get maya to walk or open/use her hands. she fell for NOTHING. it looked very behavioral to them, as to me, but they all said that this was level of persistence was highly unusual in a cchild her age. they thought it might be something medical since she absolutely wouldn't stand up or open her hands. after brainstorming at some type of secret pediatrician round table yesterday it was decided that she is stressed about something and that's why she is doing this type of regression. it was also decided she must be pretty smart, which makes me feel a little better. because overall, i'm pretty sad that maya is stressed/worried enough to act like this. when i got her this afternoon i felt like i was mommying on eggshells, trying to be kind but not baby her, love her and encourage he but not reinforce her whining. luckily, except for a moment when we got up the steps and she said "maya no walk at home" she has been walking, dancing, running, making a mess, and being her pretty much usual happy self. as the dr said, it's hard to tell what kind of spin their little brains put on the information they get at this age. i know maya may have heard us stressing about schools, day care, will she be potty trained in time for preschool, and god knows what else. things have been fast and hectic and stressful. so for now, even if we don't feel it, rich and i need to put on our calmest, happiest, most supportive faces for our little ones. maya told me today that she came from mommy's tummy, maya sleeping in there, it dark in mommy tummy, and it made me think maybe she shouldn't know these strange things yet, maybe it is too much, because she made it pretty clear she would like to be in there sleeping in the dark again, and had a strange little smile on her face when i told her she wouldn't fit anymore...

what's going on, maya papaya??

well, maya has not walked since friday. and she has not used her fingers since last night. if she has to get somewhere she crawls on her knees and elbows. she has a few little cuts and scratches that seem to have been catalysts in this thing. we are 99% certain in is psychological but she is going to the doctor at 3 to get checked out anyway. maya says she is various babies she knows. she wants to nurse a lot. she takes her pull-up apart so it is a diaper. when she crawls around on her elbows being a monster with miles she is a baby monster. so, seems like the reason she isn't walking is that she wants to be a baby again, but if you ask her she'll tell you "my legs hurt", and point to a week-old 1/2 inch long scratch on her knee.

what can we do? just find a balance between helping to satisfy her emotional needs and not reinforce this too much. we were at a bday party yesterday and i put her down about 20 feet from the pinata. when it broke and the kids swarmed she slowly scooched over on her bottom and arrived just in time to find the last goodie--an eraser which she sadly tasted and spit out. she is absolutely not breaking out of character on this one. she holds her cup between two clenched fists bc there is a little cut or scratch on each hand.

it's hard to grow up. i'm also seeing that our little one has quite the iron will.

i'll let you know when she takes her (second) first steps. i hope it is soon.

who woulda thunk it?

well, we finally got our round 2 letter from the school district and miles is going to...starr king mandarin immersion! you can check it out online if you are interested. he definitely wouldn't be going to mandarin immersion kindergarten anywhere else we've considered living. a nice friend of mine said to me "you are an amazing mother, talk about rolling with the punches", referring to this turn of events. i hope she is right, and my funny irish friend is not, who asked, when told where miles was going, "and what did he do wrong to deserve that?"

extinct wrestlers

miles was playing with his mammoth and stegasaurus. "they are doing a wrestling show," (i wince a little) "and using sign language." we met some cute preschoolers from the cesar chavez deaf and hard of hearing program at the park today. and miles and maya gazed longingly through the doorway of the mexican wrestling mask store on 24th street. the mix of cultures we flow through daily is being absorbed by his little brain.

been listening to npr more in the car and being reminded about the dismal state of the earth. we need to start growing more food in the backyard. collecting water. raising chickens. solar panels. preparing the kids for a quite different world. i really think things will change faster than most of us imagine.

too much to say on this topic. i try not to think too much about the future but i want to think about it.

nighty night

the city star

hey, miles' photo is in the paper! check out the online version of the san francisco city star
www.TheCityStarSF.com, page 8 or 9. how exciting (for miles, me, rich, and miles' grandparents at least!)

mclaren park nature in the city earth day festival

earth day in san francisco on 4/20, you know there was a certain kind of party going on in up on haight street somewhere. during maya's nap miles and i went out to check out the earth day festival at the jerry garcia ampitheater in mclaren park. i've heard enough stories to feel a tiny bit nervous in this park, but it was fine. up on a hill with trees all around and a clear view of mt diablo. highlights of this festival included:
---8 days a week and a CCR cover with words changed to make it an anti-war song performed by the very talented guitar band (only 8 here, but the teacher said they have over 5o guitarists in the music program) from visitacion valley middle school. the singer brought tears to my eyes and miles' too (he said loudly "what the heck are these tears doing in my eyes from eye wax!")
--the huge python, friendly turtle and iguana, little rockets to make out of vinegar, baking soda and fuji film canisters, and animal ones and pelts to explore provided by the very laid back but fun tree frog trek people. so laid back it seemed possible that julia the giant burmese python could just slither into the mclaren park woods...
--all the intellectual type alternative green people with their booths full of info about rooftop gardens, greenways, wildlife education for kids, tree planting and care in the city
--our friends who met us there and walked down to the little duckpond and playground with us, and who bought me a ice cream from the ice cream cart
--the views of hills of houses and the bay,between tall trees, twisted good for climbing trees, and waving fields of wild radish, wild mustard, tall golden grass

sometimes i feel hopeful that all these people with their earthday energy are becoming more acceptable to world at large. there wasn't a huge turnout for this festival, but stories about mclaren park might have scared some folks off. i love the idea of a city full of greenways and backyards full of vegetables and fruit trees and of course less air pollution floating right off the freeways through our windows. all i can manage for now is to sign my name to some mailing lists.

met ANOTHER family at the water park this morning while doing some oversized laundry whose kid got into their first choice, buena vista. i didn't feel kicked in the stomach when i heard this news. and met ANOTHER family whose kid got into creative arts charter and i didn't have the urge to scream at her to shut up it isn't fair. and discussed my friend's kid going to private school without feeling like every choice i have made in my life up to this point has obviously been wrong and my poor poor kids are doomed to suffer for life. so, i guess i have reached a slightly more zen-like state about where miles is going to school next year. we find out if he got into another school by the end of may.

time to go blow my nose and apply vicks and drink tea. feel sorry for me. i swear i haven't been able to breathe outof my nose for almost a month. poor poor me.

buh bye

farewell croakie

last night croakie jr was floating around in the water dish. when we fished him out he was alive but terribly bloated. think violet in charlie and the chocolate factory (we just finished reading this, charlie is miles' new hero). i had a bad feeling but miles was optimistic. when i looked online it appeared to most likely be kidney failure and we should rush croakie to a vet. this did not happen. this morning before miles woke up we found little croakie back to normal size, but not alive. it was sad. i left before miles woke up but when he did rich said he cried for a long time. how does a 5 year old understand death? there's a post way back about charlotte's web and how watching it created a lot of questions for miles about life and death. this time he just didn't want to talk about it. he told me after school that croakie had died but when i said i was sorry he just said "that makes me even sadder."

so, we are down to one little frog and we will continue to take good care of him. i think the next pet if there is one, will be stronger and sturdier and maye furrier and friendlier.

also today at the playground there were 5 or 6 teenagers hanging around and talking teen stuff, and wrestling around, throwing sand on each other. only 2 little kids were interested in them, and one of them was my son. he slyly sat right next to them for a long time, pretending to play in the sand. when i asked him what they were talking about he said he couldn't understand what they were saying. good.

and miles said that when he got to be as big those kids he was just going to leave town and live in the country. just get a house in the country. maybe live near brian.

he sounded like he was about 32.

goodnight, goodnight, we miss you little croakie.

babbling on

i took miles to check out an informal soccer team organized by his classmate's mother. it was a very windy and cold day in holly park. we waited a while and thought they weren't showing up, but miles insisted on staying a little longer, even though he was shivering. finally he spotted his friend. and then about 8 more kids running up to the field on top of the hill. i could barely keep up with him as he charged through the trees and piles of mulch to meet them. when we got there the kids quickly organized themselves and began running around a baseball diamond kicking their soccer balls. the usual coach wasn't there, so the classmate's grandma was handing out balls. a toddler or two was chasing the pack. it seemed pretty casual. but the kids did all have matching shirts. and shin guards. and they had been there before. in about 30 seconds miles' body language told me this was not going to work. he pulled on my hand, turned away, got kind of stiff. he had tears in his eyes. he wanted to go home. so we did. and one side of me says it's ok, we'll try again some other time, but the other side of me is worried about him, that he will have to enter the real world of kindergarten soon. where it is not all free choice, where he will have to do lots of things, with strangers, and where (it is likely) his teacher will not speak to him in english. so this side of me is a little pushy, suggests we try next week, asks why not, says there is nothing to worry about, no one will care what he does. tells him there was a two year old there and that was fine. no, he says, it is better at school. and i like basketball. and, the heartbreaker, "i like playing with smaller kids better." my little guy. i really wish sometimes i could keep you with me forever.

i guess there is always the home school option....

tiny tiny pool

wish you could smell the jasmine in our yard. it was another hot day with a trip to the water park, a squirt gun fight in the house (aren't we the progressive parents), and even a tiny urban pool made from the top of the water table, legs removed and placed on the ground. miles and maya and our 3 year old neighbor willow had a blast jumping into our 2.5x2.5 foot pool with dirty feet, squirting each other with the muddy water, and maya even gave bert from sesame street a muddy water bath. he looks pretty funny with his hair hanging down.

days like today of course make me think about global warming again and i feel good to be a city dweller using less energy, in general, with our walks around the neighborhood , use of public spaces, and our tiny little backyard that we do love. i admit, though, we are hopelessly hooked on the car, at least until maya becomes a little more reasonable and the whole bus trip is not a wrestling match.

today

miles helped rich and his friend donnie do some work out back...really helped. i watched him through the window hauling shovel loads of weeds with his little work gloves on

it is a really hot day. we went to holly park for rishi's birthday. the kids climbed the hills, fought with sticks, used loud and obnoxious voices. there were picnic tables in an enclosed area in the park and little leon told me "there used to be a restaurant right here in these woods."
the car is in the shop. we dreamily walked to cortland st to catch the bus, about .1 miles per hour. i saw someone from my writing class and maya blew her a kiss and showed off her booboo and pieceacandy. when we got to cortland i asked a woman with her son if she knew where the bus stop was. and they offered us a ride home in their car! we got a ride home through the hot hot day which was nice as maya was overdue for nap.

their son goes to private school. as, i discovered way more than half of the white children in this city do.

while rich and maya napped miles and i snuck out to check out the youth arts festival at the brava theater. we saw two great plays put on by the SF Running Crew, some kind of theater work training group for kids (like 15-21 or something like that). the first one was set in a public high school and starred a bathroom goddess who advised the kids as they came in and shared their (funny) angst about grades, gangs, fitting in, being gay, being a nerd. the intercome would blast announcements every five minutes or so like "don't forget, students, next week is bring your own toilet paper week" and "due to the budget cuts, graduation will be postponed indefinitely". miles had no idea what was going on but loved it and was especially excited about a part with a bad guy pimp chasing two teenagers around the stage.

we cooled down at the water park. miles played soccer with an adorable tiny chinese boy. the park was full of people running through the fountains. we stopped at casa sanchez to get take out rice and beans to make maya papaya happy.

so. that was just our day. there is annoying dance music out back somewhere, kids playing, it is finally cooling down a bit. i am pennying my little guy. he wants me lying next to him but i want him to do it alone.

all these people and interactions and art, culture, stimulation. what will all this do to nurture my little ones? they are growing up in a very different place than i.

out of sight

this will be brief, as my sinus infection is taking over my brain and it is the end of a long long day. i didn't know where miles was for about 5 minues today. i would have to put a topographical map in this post to make it clear, but at glen park today miles took "the other way" and was completely out of sight for about 5 minutes. we were with another family and miles and the little girl were out of sight in some trees together for a few minutes. then the girl climbed up and said miles was going the other way. we thought this meant the other little path we could see 50 yards away. then when he didn't appear i called him a few times and he didn't answer. i stayed on the hill we were hiking with the kids and the other mom went down to see what miles was doing, but he wasn't there. in his green eagles clothes he had slipped away. she ran around the very large building back to the playground to find him. i waited with the kids trying not to panic. then the other mom returned through the trees and MILES WAS NOT WITH HER. i threw down the backpack and left maya with them and ran. the first person i saw i told my son was missing and she said she saw a little boy alone out on the sidewalk but thought he was with a different woman. the sidewalk by the street? hundreds of yards away? which way was he going? then she said "there he is" and i said where, where and then saw little miles running down the hill to us. he had made this huge crazy loop, like a quarter mile or so?? alone. he said he could hear us calling him. he didn't feel like he had done anything wrong. he wasn't being sneaky. he said he just took the other way. my heart was pounding so hard and we talked and maybe he will be more cautious for a while. but it really was his first time being conscious and independent. not a toddler wandering off without telling mommy. he just felt safe going on a path far from us, far from where i could see him and keep him safe. i still feel kind of shocked about it, kind of nauseous and amazed. we were lucky we found each other.
i guess as the kids get older these things will be happening more and more, but hopefully not anytime soon. would i have this kind of panic if miles disappeared for 5 minutes in the country or suburb? would i be worried about a mountain lion or getting lost in the woods or a creepy guy with a van like we heard about growing up? cause that's what i felt panic about--a stranger taking miles. i want him close to me. i told him again and again today, i have to see you to keep you safe but i know i can't keep him in sight forever.

nostalgia

an old roomate of mine from the wild days in newark and philly was in town for a conference and came over for brunch. we spent several hours reminiscing and he told me about all the people who had returned to the philly area to settle down after years travelling, exploring, grad, school. would we have been on this list if we hadn't chanced into buying our lovely flat in the mission, san francisco. the visit got me stirred up and so envious of being in a place where people are coming back , not just leaving. it made me call c in the midwest to reiterate my endless plea to "come back to san francisco!"

my parents are selling their PA home and moving to sonoma, so don't worry mom, i'm not moving to ardmore anytime soon, but i am feeling, more than ever, kind of isolated by the events and geography in my circle of loved ones' lives.