barbie and her pets

here are barbie and her pets.

christmas has come and gone, leaving behind several bags of garbage and many new battery operated toys.

looking at the mound of wrapped gifts for the kids last night i had a minor panic attack. how can we raise a generation of responsible people when we keep buying them so. much. stuff. how can i teach my kids not to want so. much. stuff? waah, waah, the fate of the earth is in our hands. i actually felt nauseous looking at the piles.

this morning, however, the presents were ripped through by 6:56 and everyone seemed pretty happy. the unsustainable lifestyle panic over, we enjoyed a dungeness crab, fancy cheese from rainbow grocery, and endive salad feast with my mom and stepdad, topped off with a viewing of elf, many lifesavers, many beyblade battles, some sentimental emails and phone calls, and a little more of that endive salad.

a little sad feeling for loved ones far away but not too too bad.

there will be time to try and correct all our many many many many parenting mistakes (disasters might not be too far off, if you know us pretty well) , or at least try, right? there are worse things than getting too many presents from your mom and dad.

now i need to study my urban rebounder dvd- my christmas trampoline is waiting for me at the foot of the bed. good night.

peace and love

miles' idea

"in the future the world will have a mechanical heart."

i think he meant it literally, but yikes either way!

dickens fair, fog of ennui, babbling

i took natalie and maya to the dickens fair today at the cow palace. just a few years ago i would have been full of ridicule and unable to relate to the "actors"in their costumes and english accents. today i felt very little of this detachment because i was with a four and five year old. maya asked a lot of questions about "dickens world" and although the girls knew there was acting involved it seemed so easy for them to slip into being into a whole different reality, and i kind of slipped along with them. hard to explain, really, but i found myself having a long conversation about india with an indian lady from rudyard kipling's time about sacred cows and cobras and third eyes. ok, i am a super geek, but being there with my wide-eyed girl i really enjoyed the dickens fair.

later i went to the bottom of the hill to watch a film some friends had made called "fog of ennui", starring naughty ninja, jailface, and captain ennui, with other superheroes and villains including furry man, spanish icicle, and dr. exposition. i laughed quite a bit and enjoyed the soundtrack and effects and silliness, but did not relate to the theme, which, loosely, was about fighting captain ennui before he spread boredom to the entire country.

this is probably not making sense but i am feeling today that there is something about having kids later in life, as i did, that throws your mind into a wierd position. or at least my mind. when i should be thinking about getting older, and fighting boredom, and the usual midlife existential crisis stuff (i have the fear of dying pretty bad), i am simultaneously exposed, every day, to little people who are feeling the novelty, beauty, and wonder of life much of the time. maya often GASPS with excitement and does a whole body "ohhhhhhhhhh" in amazement. i feel it along with her. i am so lucky to have this time with her but it throws me off balance too. i feel like a little old kid who knows way too much sometimes. it is confusing.

does anyone out there have any idea what i am babbling on about?

this is ridiculous

this weekend:

saturday:

1.go to randall museum to complete ceramics project with maya

2.after finishing project get sucked into storytelling hour with city college storytellers

3.attend maya's ballet performance, clap

4.attend 4 hour birthday extravaganza at gilman playground

5.collapse

sunday:

1.attend amazing gay and lesbian dance along nutcracker with friends and family

2.travel across town for emily's willy wonka tenth birthday party

3.go out with starr king moms to listen to a fellow mom's choir, sacred and profane, perform at mark's lutheran church

4. following performance head to bar for a few hours. drink hot toddies to fight off new cold germs.

5. following bar time head to SPARKY'S diner and eat curly fries (have not done this in ten years)

6. get home at 2 a.m. and complete meeting agenda for meeting with miles' principal regarding the environmental ed program

i want to hibernate for a few weeks. and then come out of my cave and do some things differently.

on a sadder note, i had ridiculously high expectations for a meeting with my son's principal regarding proposed improvements to the present environmental education program. i got a little too excited, because after the meeting i learned that even though X would be fantastic, and is very possible, Y is business as usual, and that is what we are stuck with for now. big bummer.

i keep writing these serious critiques of education and human nature but they are all in the draft section of this blog. lucky you get to read this fluff instead.

school talk

another fabulous starr king bday party with our warm and diverse school crowd. soccer? check. miles in sports and friends heaven? check. families speaking different languages? check. families of all income levels and backgrounds getting along just swell? check. delicious spread of food? check. warm fuzzy feeling watching the kids together and knowing so many friendly faces? check.

but a few times at this party i had to walk away from conversations regarding school. the conversation where people discuss how they are supporting their kid in chinese, with websites, tutors, trips. we are not really doing that. and the conversation with one parent in particular which is inevitable--she is so aware of the things i don't like about public schools and i fall into this groove with her, about the test prep aspect of learning, lack of choices for kids, shallowness of learning, lack of intrinsically rewarding work, etc etc. go read alfie kohn. it is like talking to him.

so, pros and cons. it is a done deal for miles but i am still debating things for maya, and considering, possibly, applying to a reggio emilio charter school which is opening.

this decision, like so many others, is based on a choice between what may be flawed, but what is a part of our lives, and our community, and that which seems better (at least more progressive, and less focused on producing good little workers of the future), but which is not familiar. i tend to want to keep people together, but maybe this is not always the right thing to do.

i want to find balance in this area. maya and i were at the academy of sciences at the climate change exhibit and the lonely dad of a not yet talking toddler approached us and spoke of how all the suggestions to make changes towards sustainability might be useless at this point. it certainly does not seem like making decisions based on what is best for everyone is our species' strong point. i guess the problem with changing things like our unsustainable lifestyles, or the school where we might send our younger kid, is that *most" human beings, even when they can see the negatives, choose to go with what gives them community. this means sticking with what you know.

principal's chat

at miles' school there are occasional scheduled principal's chats on monday mornings. these chats consist of the principal answering questions posed by parents who do not have to go to work, while younger siblings are silenced by a tray of mexican pastries or sticky buns and the eye candy of iphones.

so many involved parents at miles' school with questions about things like "how are teachers dealing with the subject of race via the caring schools curriculum?" and "how will low-income parents access the tutoring their child is entitled to?" and "can we get a working microphone for morning assembly?"

there are so many huge issues to deal with in this one public school. there are issues between parents with different sets of values and priorities. issues between teachers and students with different values and priorities. issues between parents and the school bureaucracy that forces teachers to teach so broadly, touching on a thousand standards rather than letting the kids get deep into a project, and do some critical thinking. issues between parents and our larger society which does not place much priority on providing a good education for our kids.

it can be overwhelming. i look at my kids and obsessively worry that they are not getting what they need in this stressed out system. that there is a scary vicious cycle going on in which people are not educated to think and do in a way that is fair, sustainable, creative, caring, peaceful. then they grow up and become the leaders in a society where good education is not a priority. and it gets worse and worse, and stupider and stupider.

i don't just worry about my kids, i worry about the generations to come. so corny, but to me educating kids should be the absolute top priority for our society if we think beyond the next year or two.

fantastic cookie party

i made the mistake of peeking at facebook again. aaaahhhhh. seems so easy for most folks, but for me it is a fascinating yet creepy excursion into what my life could be, or isn't, and how other people seem so good at condensing their wonderful lives into easy to digest and respond to sentences and phrases. i really don't know what the heck it is, but it makes me feel kind of agro, and a little depressed. like a nice whiskey might help.
anyway, the holidays are upon us. miles had a greedy tantrum today about how this xmas would be stupid, and all presents are boring except for the nintendo DS i don't want to get him. poor brainwashed little consumer victim. luckily, right after his tirade against my cruelty we went to rebecca's cookie party, and got a glimpse of some fun that does not come in the shape of a handheld electronic device or a ball. rebecca's 4 downstairs neighbor kids were there, and they all kind of congealed and made cookies and got very silly, and then we were down in the basement and these 4 cool kids (7, almost 9, almost 12, and 14) were playing ramones, sex pistols and rolling stones covers on their very own instruments in the most awesome way possible. maya fell in love with the almost 9 year old girl and invited her to her birthday party. later emily played crazy beats and samples on her yamaha keyboard and everyone was dancing around like a freak. i guess eating lots of cookies added to the hysteria. but who needs a DS to have fun?

i will try to hang on and make it through this season of giving--and wanting to get lots of stuff--and painful old memories, and comparisons with oh so rosy facebook existences. at the end of it all i think there will be a reward--new year's in a wood stove heated hot tub up in the damp green green woods of point arena. clear skies and cold air and stars above.

oh the possibilities.

a little vent about work

i know i am lucky to have a job. and extra lucky to have work which i actually care about and sometimes enjoy. but lately i am not feeling that positivity. i am feeling pulled in a million directions and stretched out so thin that i don't feel like i am doing much good at all. a torrent of needy children coming my way, with needy teachers and parents lined up behind them. help.

i did get away for thanksgiving. we had a delicious dinner at grandma's in sonoma, and the kids were very good and quiet thanks to satellite tv. miles did manage to be obnoxious in the few minutes he was not staring at a screen and when it was his turn to say what he was thankful for stated "i am thankful there are toilets in this house because i really have to go!" ha ha, thanks little boy.

we played in crunchy leaves at the square and we visited a mossy old cemetery on the hill above sonoma on a wet saturday morning. then julia and her two boys picked us up and we went to the calistoga village inn. there we alternated between being furious with our spoiled and bratty children and feeling heavenly as our little sweethearts frolicked in the sunny warm pools for hours. on the way home we hit the calistoga petrified forest, and saw 3 million year old trees that had been knocked down by volcanic blasts and replaced cell by cell with silica, turned into stone. they looked exactly like redwoods, even the bark was intact. kitchy wooden statues stood along the path through the petrified forest, and we were all wary of the rattlesnakes and mountain lions which never seem to appear.

terrible housekeeping--or ultra cool indoor gardening?

i was feeling very back to the land as i gathered some arugula seed pods and let the seeds dry in a little cup on the windowsill by the sink. then i characteristically lost track of my seed project. a few weeks later i found this little arugula sprout growing in the grout by the faucet.

not again

not again. i went through this agony of indecision a few years ago trying to figure out what school was right for miles. he ended up in mandarin immersion at starr king, a school visible from my window. and now that is his school, for better or worse, and he will "NEVER" go to another school and leave his friends. the school is working out pretty well for my rule-following, sporty boy with such a great memory and eye/hand for drawing and characters.

my maya is now coming up on birthday number 5, and another kindergarten application is due. if miles was not at starr king it is not the school i would choose for maya. i picture her somewhere artsy, creative, full of easels and child-led discussions. ok, i think i can picture her at creative arts charter school. i have a much harder time visualizing her in the starr king uniform, eagerly practicing characters using the correct stroke order, entering the sporty, competitive fray of the playground. maya has some mild delays in balance, fine motor, and proprioception. this throws her a little off. it is part of the wonderful person that she is. i am scared that her tendency to knock things over, to fall down, to be a silly puppy crawling on hands and knees will not be embraced at her brother's school. i am scared that the characters will be too hard for her to write and imagine her hurling her homework across the room in frustration.

i am scared of too many things, i know, and it will probably work out fine for maya at starr king. it is difficult to trust my judgment on this one, as it is on most things involving possible pain for my kiddos. do i just do as i did for miles--sign her up and see what happens? it would be strange to have kids at two different schools, one learning chinese and one not. and maya's beloved cousin is at starr king now too.

i went through this process of figuring things out with miles and came to one conclusion--that i most easily envisioned him in a place that was more like our home and his preschool, but that a place very different from our home was not necessarily the wrong place for him. and in the case of his school this has pretty much held true. but i am still not convinced this is not just rationalization of the decision to throw him into a situation where most of what he learns is in mandarin.

preschool is so safe and nurturing and full of freedom, the demands are all ones that maya handles with ease. her voice there is heard and respected. i want her to thrive and her unique little spirit to remain intact. what would you do?

a few things we saw on the way to jed's house this morning

wind turbine on the roof of the sunset magazine house near garfield parkpainting on someone's garage
new mural with rocks with eyes (hard to see). miles and maya are sitting on the rocks, get it?

i was talking to my friend about how it is hard to write blogs that are about your daily existence without worrying about boring readers. i am taking a little break from journaling my oh so profound thoughts and am instead sharing some sensory details from our lives. yes, taking a break from thinking.

this walk today from our house down 24th st, and up the north side of bernal hill. in perfect sunny weather with a little wind. the smell of pot smoke here and there, donuts cooking, roasting chicken. we heard some kids yelling at each other and screaming with laughter as they chased each other around a block. the blimp overhead, a family of three children coming around the corner in their pajamas, preceded by a remote control race car. many dogs to pet. in the water park on the way home we saw a bird of prey with pale wings, very high, bigger than a hawk. a little boy named rueben who spoke mostly spanish played a long long game of hide and seek with maya. after a while there were about 10 kids playing, miles and his buddy and maya running fast and shirtless and yelling under the blue sky.

the feast for the senses around here, even if it is on top of noisy cars and garbage, is most definitely part of what keeps us from leaving. maybe it would be as full in the middle of nature some where, but i would not trade all this for the regularity of suburbia in which i spent much of my childhood. all this stuff to see and hear and smell, it makes me feel more joyful, in the moment, alive.

another lovely friday almost gone. we visited a friend in his ceramics studio (don't. touch. anything. maya.), played in delores park with kids from maya's school, watched the hawks and gophers while miles played soccer on top of potrero hill.

thinking today about how much closer i am with my kids than my parents were with me. as in actual proximity. by miles' age i was walking to school in a pack of kids, and after school was about running around in the woods, or being in the backyard or in my room with a friend. when my kids visit with friends i am right there with them, being friends with their parents, all of us within the confines of small to medium living spaces. we are seeing the same

more to look at than read

maya and natalie spying on miles and hayden wrestling on the front lawn of the palace of the legion of honor on veteran's day, 2010.broccoli, chard, kale and a tiny artichoke from the garden. ants like to crawl into the artichokes, so you have to submerge them in water if you want to get the ants out. they come out fast and swim furiously for the sides of the bowl. somehow i feel softhearted about these ants. i put a stick in the bowl and some of them find it and climb out. today outside the palace of the legion of honor maya was letting ants climb all over her arm and calling them cute.

borage, arugula, and a pepino from the garden.

floating and sinking

after a few years of hemming and hawing i signed the papers today at luminalt, two blocks away on potrero avenue, across from the skate park. we are getting a tiny array of solar panels , and more than 80% of it will be paid for through credits and incentives. our little array will reduce carbon emissions, will pay for itself within four years, and hopefully in a year or two we will be able to get thermal to heat our hot water. we use a lot of hot water here, with dirty kids, dirty dishes, and dirty clothes. our electric bill is tiny, as we don't use a heater or air conditioning. oh, i feel so good and green. the elections were disheartening on several fronts but california still came through and made it clear we care about our environment. i was pretty amazed to find that renewable energy incentives and credits still exist in these times of economic apocalypse.

now we just have to make sure our kids learn about it in school. miles told me he had science today. when i asked him what he learned he said that they combined water and sand, and the water turned yellow. i asked him what this meant and he was not sure. he also said they noticed the sand sunk to the bottom, because it is heavier. i think he noticed this when he was about 30 months old. but not in mandarin, of course.

anyhow, i will keep you posted on the state of our solar-powered lives.

beautiful day in the neighborhood

i love days like these, all in the neighborhood. a fuss-less walk up potrero hill, through the newly green open space. miles said goodbye with a hug and barely a backwards glance. a slow walk down with lots of dogs to pet. we sang michael jackson as we walked over the highway and didn't care who listened. at home maya and i got very domestic for a few hours. we picked flowers and vegetables, and then made sun prints. for lunch, pasta with the garden veggies (arugula, tomatoes, parsley). we drew some trees and made collages. then a stroll down 24th to get a coconut donut from the friendly donut shop, where spaceman 3 was blasting. we met a nice mom and three year old rock and roll boy and hung out with them. then back up the hill. soccer, all kinds of crazy kids running in the grass, balls flying, miles in his element. the red-tailed hawk sat in his tree above us gossiping parents while maya and some big girls made mud soup in the ground. the kids and i walked down through the open space singing a song i wrote about not swallowing your gum and a woman getting out of her car told us "the family that sings together stays together."

sometimes i feel like i am a wierdo, that all this mundane stuff can make me feel such ineffable happiness. and little flashes of sadness thinking about the kids growing up and this all going away. i try and try to live in the moment, because when i do it can be so good.
stuff we made
book miles started writing before anyone woke up today. terrible spelling, heavy captain underpants influence.
leftover from someone's alice in wonderland costume, i think

sigh, sorry

i should be feeling good but am not. in the last few days i went to a fun grown-up halloween party (with grown-ups that don't have kids), a kid birthday party where many of the separate parts of my city life collided (among the guests were my brother and family, families from miles' school, families from miles and maya's preschool, the couple that runs the video store on 24th street, and some of our neighbors i have known since the kids were born) and where i painted many people's faces including the birthday boy's 80 year old haitian grandma. last night i trick-or-treated with a pack of joyful kids and no tantrums or major injuries. today i took the kids to the academy of sciences with rebecca, and we met up with more of miles' school buddies. it was a beautiful sunny day and my kids were good.

yet it has been a huge effort to keep calm and help my anxious son and needy daughter feel that all is okay in the world when i am so unsettled.

outside there are doppler shifts of car horns honking, fireworks whistling and banging, shouting. i think i just heard a trumpet the giants have just won the world series and i feel alone on my little planet here. i don't care a bit about the giants. now i hear a helicopter overhead. it is my mom's birthday and she is driving south on highway 101 right now. i just received an email from my best friend far far far away. i am hoping for some sweet dreams tonight and a cease in the noise of ecstatic drunken giants fanatics.

miles the werewolf at school halloween parade

isn't this a cute werewolf? don't you just want to take off that mask and hug him?

pre halloween

halloween is days away yet some things around here are taking on that element of..."what are we?"this is a house we walk by on the way to school. for a long time it has been the house that needs some love. suddenly it is the witch's house. look closely...creepy, eh?

and this, is it harmless entertainment for kids or an expensive subliminal message filled commercial for those too young to know better?
1974 looney tunes folder propped up on nasty garbage container by sf general. conceptual art? why does the tasmanian devil look so evil? i never before noticed what a carnivore he is. and what is bugs looking at?

wha,ah,ah

little spiral, beasts

well, things have been pretty exhausting lately. my son is experiencing separation anxiety, which i have recently learned can rear its ugly head between the ages of 6-8 and then again for the tweens, as the kids reach new stages of understanding how they are separate from their parents and also what the world may have in store for them. so life has been full of reassurance, logic, worry time, talking back to worry bullies, back up plan after back up plan,making things calm and good and happy, talking to the school counselor. yesterday was one of the worst mornings, and rich had to peel a wailing miles off me as i left for work. he then put scared and miserable miles in the car and just happened to turn on stairway to heaven on the radio which, he said, snapped miles out of his fear and into a normal state. who knew? soon he was playing handball on the schoolyard and things were all hunky dory today. led zeppelin therapy. we are trying our best.

some of this means i am spending quite a bit of extra time making sure i am there to pick up miles exactly right on time every day, which can be tricky with a job and a four year old. today maya and i arrived at starr king too early because she practically sprinted up potrero hill, being ozma of oz with a brown puppy. we had 30 minutes to kill in the starr king open space, and made a baby rock spiral and several maximum volume short movies, mostly about protecting puppies from: the tree monster!! the rock monster!! the earth monster!!! protect your puppies, hold onto them and don't let go!!!!!

shout it from the hilltop maya! protect your puppies from these beasts!! and end your crazy movie with a big long loud laugh.

same clouds

my friend and former bandmate who lives across the city posted a picture of these very same clouds from the same sunrise last week. amazing. the rain has come and everything is wet and gray. suddenly the city seems emptier.

rich is listening to some eery atmospheric guitar down the hall and i hear maya's cough from her bedroom. it won't be long before she gets up and gets into the bed with me to snuggle and go back to sleep. there is some persistently being mailed to us disney family magazine (did you, dear reader, send it to us?) in the bathroom, full of cheery ideas for thanksgiving activities and christmas gifts for kids to make themselves. winter has pretty much arrived. every year i forget about this season, and after only two days of gray i am missing the clarity of the blue sky and the sight of my kids playing outside.

pandora radio music and fancy plant store

i have music in the car now. i forgot how music affects your thoughts as you drive through the world. listening to palace brothers and bon iver as i drove up past glen park canyon in the fog felt very different than driving up with just my own worried little petty thoughts.

it's thursday, my friday. a big sigh of relief as i said goodbye to my last little language-delayed student (who told me a long story i understood pretty much none of, about egg-man, a big ship, and robots) and headed off to pick up my own kids. since i am not allowed to pick up miles before the predetermined pick up time maya and i stopped to browse around flora grubb nursery. i know it is shi shi, and some might hate this place but i love it. all the expensive little glass terrariums full of air plants, and rusty bikes hanging in the air serving as planters, and rocks with holes carved in them growing succulents. what could be more perfect than a plant? we got two pumpkins, one green and one orange. miles is going to make his into calvin's head (from calvin and hobbes that is).

singing, dancing, eating, riding ponies, stuck buses, big fears

the potrero hill festival is my favorite of the year.

maya (and her brother and cousin) found herself on stage again with the mobile arts platform, singing and dancing with the amazing Asheba. less than two weeks ago she was dancing with MAP at the galeria de la raza. i'm liking the MAP.

the kids made their own cotton candy at the potrero hill neighborhood house booth. there were pony rides supplied by an exceptionally crotchety pony lady. politicians and michelin men handing out bags of candy. a joyous dance performance with much audience participation by students from the international studies academy. here is a video of the cupid shuffle, something i was unaware of until saturday. i still can't do the electric slide. we also got to see a muni bus stuck on the crest of the hill at 2oth street and carolina. later on we went to a giants game on tv party and today was a mellow one with miles' sweet friend over for a playdate.

despite all the fun, my little partier son could not go to bed tonight because of his persistent new fear, the terrifying possibility that i will be late to pick him up at school and he will have to go in the dreaded cafeteria after 5;30 and wait for me. it is heartbreaking to see my son crying about this day after day, so i am going to try and take more action to make things better for him. it is not the kids, or the teachers, it is miles' feeling that he would be "in a big empty room, all alone." to be somewhere surrounded by people, but no one he really loves, not a close friend or his family is miles' current fear, and it is a big one. i do understand. it is hard to be patient about this, but i do understand. i do.

i guess the cure will be to somehow show him not that i will always get him from school before the remaining kids in the after school program are herded into the cafeteria, but that if i don't he will be able to go in there, and be ok waiting in that big empty room, and maybe even find that it is not as empty as he thinks.

this is a challenge. let me know if you have any ideas.

put down that book!

stop reading and get ready for school! i found myself saying this about ten times this morning as my two kids sat at the table eating oatmeal as if they were inside a black hole, and reading (in maya's case looking at) comic books. here is miles attempting to brush his teeth while reading

eric shanower's adventure in oz.

so yes, we have an avid reader here, despite the mandarin immersion, and part of me is pleased to see miles stumbling around our halls reading, and lounging on the couch reading, and sloppily eating oatmeal reading, and sneaking a flashlight into bed. much of me is pleased. but part of me sees myself in this reading fiend, the self that does not like to be left with my thoughts too much, and is too lazy to write a book even though i love to read them. so, my little reader, do beware that reading can be the enemy of writing.

now i am off to read my own book, the only thing i can do to get to sleep. i'm reading louise erdrich's the red convertible, selected and new stories. ahh the sleepy lullaby of heartbreak and humor. the benadryl helps too.

glen ellen parade

here is a purple cheetah with a flower lady, representing the nonprofit my mom volunteers with, the bouverie nature preserve. we joined a tiny parade in tiny glen ellen. everyone knew each other. lots of dogs, lots of happy kids,a very small town surrounded by woods. we ate a pumpkin cookie from a booth raising money for kids with cancer. miles stared at their bald photos a long time. the kids played a bunch of games and won candy and plastic crap. it turned out later my poor son had strep throat while he was marching in a parade in the 90 degree heat.

kind of like a street fair in sf, except a longer drive to get there, i didn't know anyone, pretty much only english being spoken, no buses, and hotter. did i mention i didn't know anyone? my mom says she can see me here in this little town. miles rolling down the streets on his heely's, maya a star in the dunbar school musical. what would i be doing here? writing a novel in my room that trees peeked into? feeling new and unknown? missing the gourmet donuts, garbage and traffic on my street, and the familiar faces?

so many people i know have fled the city for little towns like this. everyone seems equally happy no matter where they are.

this afternoon

here is a little plug for project-based learning. a few girls from maya's pre-k went to hawaii, and taught some other girls hula dancing. they started bringing in and reading books about hawaii, making grass skirts, painting a mural with hawaii themes, and the culminating event was tonight's hawaii christmas party, where we witnessed a dance these four-year-olds choreographed themselves, and opened presents they had made for and addressed to their parents. very impressive. and very cute. aloha. of course the night ended with everyone running around in circles very fast and banging into each other.

and walking home from soccer the kids and i were lucky enough to see this painting being created:
definitely the most amazing oil painting ever of the stop sign and party store at wisconsin and 23rd.

million fishes

very halloween-y art exhibit at million fishes art gallery at 23rd/bryant

hardly strictly afternoon

after a morning at the skate park i fled the home scene and took a cab to hardly strictly bluegrass. my cabbie was from morocco and philosophized to me saying loudly "just live your life!" several times while telling stories about an ex-girlfriend. the festival was a huge mob scene, but fairly orderly, with a few youngsters attempting some sort of rebellion by smoking clove cigarettes and limbo-dancing with their friends' digeridoo (as it was being played, really!). i spent a lovely reflective 45 minutes or so sitting on a little hill near the stage listening to patti smith play. heroin was the first song, and gloria the last, with lots of songs going out to poets in between. i found my friends and their irish bachelor party in the meadow during her last song, and things rapidly devolved. i joined them and their whiskey for a ride in a stretch hummer down to broadway and made my exit while i still could.

ducked into house of nan king and sat cozily between two older than i am couples, one from new yawk and one from munich. when i came home i was a bad mom and gave the kids, lying one on each side of me in the dark, a chocolate and caramel treat to eat with their freshly brushed teeth.

more happens without the car

this evening, after an afternoon watching my boy play a soccer game and then an impromptu tennis match with a sporty friend in the richmond fog, i got the urge to go to the library. maya and i hopped on the 48, not realizing the route had changed, and it no longer went near the potrero branch. we had a ride up and over potrero hill, down to 3rd st., then back over the hill again and into the flat mission and 24th st. we got our goods at the library and headed home in the dusk, neon lights starting to come on, kids in soccer uniforms seemingly everywhere. we shared a delicious plate of rice, beans, and fried chicken at usutalan. we stopped to check out a window display with chuckie and two live dogs in pink dresses.

then we continued on, starting to get a little tired. across the street i saw lights were on at la galeria de la raza and thought we would stop in for a minute to check it out. we ended up staying for about 45 minutes enjoying the singer songwriter theresa perez. maya was amazing, she got up and danced right up in the front, all by herself. not completely unselfconscious, the opposite really, because she was very pleased to have everyone watching her and smiling. the musician thanked her for dancing and at one point even stopped singing and said "dance solo" for maya. i was proud.

my daughter is a very good dancer. now there are some big plans to dance in a show, a band, wearing a floor length red ball gown with a diamond necklace and a crown. and white gloved that go up to her shoulders. luckily there is the upcoming hawaiian christmas party at her school, planned by the kids and supported by the teachers.

i got off track a little there. anyway, all this would have been missed if we had hopped in the car. thank you, 48 bus, and thank you foot for not hurting today so i could feel happy walking home through my neighborhood.

some photos

reading on the way to soccer
maya asked to be photographed with some evidence--an empty box of candy. it belonged to miles and she ate it during his soccer game.
a new mural on a house nearby.
unicorn art
three-headed robot monster

loving this blog

i am just loving this blog lately.

i am out of books to read, yes, but this is fine place-based entertainment.

unexpected lovely

music. stopped at the corner of 9th and irving waiting in my car for the light to change. an asian teenager in a cool black suit, shoulder length hair blowing in his eyes, playing classical music on an electric guitar through an amp on the sidewalk. as i pulled away i saw a man put some money in the guitar case.

rock on.

steamroller prints at the center for the book festival on potrero hill

hi

i have been terrible about taking photos lately, but i found this image online of the steamroller at the roadworks steamroller prints street fair in potrero hill.

maya and i spent a good three hours there. i like this festival not only for the social factor of bumping into friendly faces (both familiar and new), and the unexpectedly great entertainment (salsa dancing! a funny soulful singer-songwriter! a cute indy-pop band maya danced like crazy to! maya's buddy hugo's sister's amazing kids taiko drumming group with a chance for maya and other kids to play the drums together at the end! a troupe of girls performing traditional chinese dance!) but there is also that great element of pre-apocalyptic creation. sure there are laptops and iphones all over this crowd, but there are also a bunch of artists making things--journals out of discarded library books, and prints, prints, prints, on paper, hats, shirts, calendars. they enjoy hand-making things and seem to be saying they will be around whether or not high tech and corporations continue to dominate much of the world.

i will come every year to see the steamroller pressing down that old carpet, and the subsequent excitement when the carpet is lifted and a beautiful print held high for all to see. the crowd goes wild!

kids getting bigger in the mission

another week has flown by. miles played his first soccer game of the season. maya had her first ballet class. she managed to stain her brand new little pink leotard black and red within 2 hours of the class by playing in the water on the asphalt playground at the starr king car wash.

today we all went to a friend's to watch the eagles game, which i did not really do. i spent my time there carefully examining the artifacts of our host and hostesses child-free life, their refrigerator photos and drink cabinet and books and cat and owl collections and deep fryer. after a while maya and i went to the parque unidos de ninos where the free farm stand was happening. rich and miles met us and on the way home we saw a group of folks painting a wall with a mural of two people with drums and a monster (it's at 23rd and florida). the kids were fascinated by the many empty cans of spray paint, and miles asked his ever-ready question as soon as we walked away ("can i get a ____?"(can of spray paint)

i conked out with the kids at bedtime and just woke up in a wierd mood. i am wearing a shirt a neighbor friend gave me about 5 years ago, and she, now far away in the east bay, was in my dream. it was a strange dream, with a cruise through a watery land with tree houses and people building structures in the water (disneyland, holland?) and some old old faces, high school, and, even farther back, middle school. a boy named SS who held my hand once at a dance, and who had a sweet smile. in the dream i knew we were going to live together, near my mother, in the country up north.

sorry to share these subconscious rumblings. even though we live in an almost season-less land time still passes. our eagles fans friends were shocked at how big the kids, especially miles, have grown, and i guess i am feeling shocked too.

big or little, i love these two people. and this life that seems like a fast ride lately.

time to try and sleep.

reader and music critic

maya on sonic youth's "dirty": "it's like beautiful and rock and roll together"

miles on picking out the calming "tiny titans" comic book to read in bed after some dark crystal (don't let your kids see this creepy film!) inspired scary thoughts: "it will be like having a friend for company in bed with me."

kind of nice quiet day

today we went to the skate park and met suling and the cousins, as well as my visiting mom. two families from miles school met us also. there were skateboarders, pot smokers, homeless sleepers and other families hanging out. miles and his buddies paced around the park seriously discussing pokemon for hours while the two girl cousins were in their usual glued at the hip state. they decorated three rocks. one with flowers (the beautiful rock), one with garbage (the funny rock), and one with dead leaves and grass (the angry rock), all under the watchful eye of their grandma. we then ate at tasty's cajun food which is a block away from here and maya and her cousin held hands, shared chicken, and played in the planter box together. they sat on the same chair and cuddled. they really are especially close and happy together. i didn't have a cousin near my age, but i am seeing that for these two, a cousin is almost like a sister you don't have to live with.

miles also spent about a good half hour reading his little lulu comic book to his rapt little sister, which was unusual and very peaceful. i got to sneak out to the garden and planted a chilean guava shrub, weeded a little, and harvested more lettuce, tomatoes and mint.

i am trying not to stress about the new middle school uncertainties and not panic because miles could not do his chinese homework and i could not help him at all. breathe in 5 seconds, out 5 seconds, in five seconds, out five seconds. visualize the garden, and the happy girl cousins and the little lulu reading. it was a beautiful fall day.

maya told me the other day that meditation was "not thinking about anything in the whole, wide, world." she seems to know how to do it, too.

night night

dirt pile

i took the kids to the randall museum while rich recovered from last night. we went to the family ceramics class but it was almost over. then we poked around and looked at a little bat in a sleeping bag, owls, honey bees, a squirrel, snakes, a huge model train set. we went on a little trail and the kids climbed a tree for a while as i looked out over the city vista.

then as we started to leave we passed a big pile of dirt left over from a project. the kids spent a good hour on this pile of dirt. climbing up and then running down to fall flat in the grass. maya made a rock city. miles found a bunch of roly polys, rocks that he could break apart with his hands, and a bunch of little rocks that maybe possibly could have been parts of spears or arrowheads. it was an excellent dirt pile.

right now i am feeling mighty annoyed because whatever healthy tasty food i cook these kids only seem to want pasta and bread and very basic chicken. and cheesy puffs, seaweed, and fruit. did i mention cheesy puffs? and cereal?

salad from garden tonight:

arugula, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, a little parsley, feta cheese, and the first harvested pepino (a perennial bush that grows fruit which looks like small pale watermelons and tastes like a cross between a cucumber and a cantalope).

it is 6 o'clock and i feel ready for bed. outside i just heard a hawk crying, a truck idling, and our artsy neighbors are hanging with their friends talking on their deck. rich's slippers are shuffling around on the wood floor, the wind is blowing and i hear the voices of people in my family trying to work out how to get along.

sythoth!!

and now for something completely different...sythoth!

i have spent the last few weeks really immersed in conversations about education--support, placement, district policies, and always, in the back of my head--are my students, and is my child getting what he needs at his school. at work, at home, email conversations. pretty much all about getting kids what they seem to need. i have to say, these questions don't come up at the private preschool.

friday was great because i went to work on a day i usually don't. only two of my students were in our pre-k class, with a few little visitors to be peer models. since it was not a chaotic zoo of trying to get 9 kids with very little comprehension or experience to follow a class routine for three hours, i actually felt like i got some good work done. there is nothing like making meaningful, joyful contact with a little three year old guy seemingly cut off in his own world.

and last night i went out to walzwerk and ate east german style food with some old friends to celebrate andy's bday. we headed over to a bar in the dogpatch to see carlton melton with sythoth. a few delawareans were there, and we reminisced about all the basement bands we were so lucky to get to be with during our college days. the bands played downstairs in a pretty grungy basement with airplane seats and part of an airplane on the wall. the first band was a very out there guy who looked a hecka' lot like darth sidious reading some ancient scroll in another language while his bandmates crouched on the floor playing eerie spooky creepy synthesizer and guitar. it would have been easy to just laugh at it, and i did laugh, but it actually sounded pretty good and was entertaining. i don't think it was a joke to them! sythoth!!

after sythoth everyone went upstairs to the bar and it was just me and evan while rich and andy set things up. i was feeling nostalgic enough about all the time spent listening to and playing music in basements that i sat down at the drum set and then rich and andy and i started a little jam--suddenly there was a room full of people and i played drums for about ten minutes and--it felt pretty awesome. i miss that a lot.

just returned from a mandarin immersion mom's night out at dirty thieves on 24th street. we went after back to school night. this is becoming my new community, no doubt about it. we don't know each other's pasts that well, but are revealing ourselves in bits and pieces through our opinions about what is going on at the school and buzzed 1:1 eye to eye conversations about spouses and work and kids. it's all good. we all need this. it is what it is, right?

an old friend/acquaintance from the university of delaware was at the bar tonight, looking radiant and about ten years younger than i. she has just adopted a 6-week-old and seemed astonished that she was out for a drink and away from home. her boy is 6 and at the waldorf school and she seemed intrigued by my son being in public school. we caught up and she said my friends were a "beautiful group of women."

well, i know i am not beautiful, but it was good to hear. i have always liked being part of a beautiful group.

decisions

i was feeling undecided in a cafe the other night, and finally ordered hot apple cider with a glass of ice on the side. which to me made sense, because i wanted that soothing warm drink but also a refreshing icy one. to the friend i was with, however, it represented my difficulty, not exactly with making choices, but with having strong desires for more than one thing that people usually just have one of. i am writing about this because my friend suggested i should, but also because i think this is the issue i have with where should we live. it is impossible for me to feel confident about the decision to raise my kids in the city for several reasons, one of which is that there never really was a decision, just the circumstance of our rental apartment going on the market, but also because where you live is so definite, so unable to accommodate the desire to have more than one thing at once. if we live in the city we have x but not y, if we live in the country we have y but not x. it sure would be sweet to have some land up in point arena we could retreat to every summer, but we don't. it sure would be sweet to have a city home that backed up to glen park canyon but we don't. it sure would be sweet to have multiple lives, but unless reincarnation is real, we don't.

i am rambling on neurotically as usual. i have just volunteered to be in charge of the "environmental education liason" committee at my son's school, so, quick, i better figure out what that is and how to get people to join me. how to feel more peaceful and good about raising our kids in a land of cars and concrete.

yesterday the kids and i went to chrissy field. it was cool and windy and sunny. miles stripped down to his suit and wiggled down the shallow river of water leading into the bay. we built a big castle with a moat full of this water, and watched the amazing kite-surfers rush off into the gusty bay. many shapes and sizes of dogs went by. on our way out we spotted a strange-looking cat on a leash in the parking lot. it was a three month old house cat and serval tiger mix the owner had bought in texas. he had the cat out to socialize it, and i suppose he thought if he socialized it enough this wild creature would never turn on him. good luck.

i have two hours with no kids and no work right now. time to go clean, water, cook, and listen to NPR. i just heard a screaming hawk in the backyard.

is anyone out there? please let me know. if i am writing to myself i might as well get a little more personal...

love,jamie

staff picks, mission branch library

there is just enough time in my life now to get to the adult section of the library (no, not that adult section)

i like the staff picks at the mission branch. last two week's reads:

the corrections, jonathan franzen

james sturm's america: god, gold, and golems

fun home, alison bechdel

persepolis, marjane satrapi

alias grace, margaret atwood

i also read dave eggers, zeitoun

my kids are turning into voracious readers. i guess seeing miles reading comic book after comic book has influenced me.

reading about dysfunction and chaos is an addictive escape i have sought out for my entire remembered life. all this reading reminds me that reading is the enemy of writing, though.

two festivals, sore foot

well, school has started, with anxious resistant children at home and anxious resistant and pretty much nonverbal children (one three-year-old wailed the single word "mommy" for two hours while staring out the window, threw up from crying, and finally passed out in my arms on tuesday) at work. so it will al be uphill from here, right?

went to sunday streets at ocean beach, another beautiful day with bikes everywhere, little dogs up for adoption maya could hold in her lap, soccer balls to kick, hula hoops, blue sky, booths explaining climate change, old friends and students, kids from my kid's school, free clif bars, bubbles, lion dancers, and raver music blasting from the back of burning man bikes. maya wobbled up and down the freedom from training wheels runway (she doesn't even have training wheels yet) many many times and gave the surprised bike volunteer lady a hug when we left.

later i walked to the rock make festival with miles, where we saw all the cool things people around here make: bowls out of records, knitted pac man ghosts, 3-D rock posters, t shirts, hula hoops, jewelry from old keys and coins, a 3 headed fire dog stuffed animal, bags, comic books, and mostly music. we saw and heard some darn good rock bands.

on the way home we envied all the wide sidewalks and miles observed that when they made our sidewalk narrower it was like saying that people aren't as important as cars. he also noted that people made cars but cars can't make people, so that proves people are more important.

my foot hurts, i have some sore foot condition i self-diagnosed. i know that every time i walk a lot, as i did today, my foot will kill me later, and in the morning. i am icing it right now. i love to walk, can't give it up. walking home we passed the house on 23rd with the mysterious new stained glass sun windows and a man was opening the gate. i asked if the building was now some kind of artist community and he said no and invited us in. the landlords built these cool japanese walls to park bikes and strollers behind, and built a big shared courtyard with a stage for the three building they own to share. miles jumped on the stage and said if he had this in our yard he would meditate on it. or put in a basketball court.

pretty soon i will write some social commentary again, for those of you readers getting bored with all this imagery. i feel the social commentary coming through the images, hope you feel it too.

on that note, i just heard something that sounded like gunshots. and an ambulance. and remembered our evening yesterday on potrero hill, where Bridge Housing sponsored an event at the potrero rec center to celebrate?educate? bring people together for Rebuild Potrero. there were brochures of what it will look like when the current housing projects on potrero hill are torn down, and it all looks very wonderful, if things go as planned. a neighbor from the projects gave us tiles to paint which would be fired and someday put up in the office or community center of the new community. there was an awesome dj, rich playing football with neighborhood kids, miles playing soccer, our friendly school crossing guard, a jumpy house, a spread of great catered food, and a huge screen set up for the later screening of princess and the frog. the rebuild potrero people seemed friendly and down to earth and had been building a planter box all day with some kids, and threw the football with mine. i wondered though if the people who live here now would be able to come back to their guaranteed spots after living somewhere else during the huge construction project. a friend remarked that change can makes things better. i overheard a woman in the food line say "there is going to be a war if they try to tear this place down."

our neighbor

we have a neighbor who lives a few houses down from us who must be in her late 80s. i may be wrong but i think she has lived on this block her entire life. she lives alone and still drives and loves talking to the kids. today she told us that miles' school used to be at 25th and utah. she told us when she went there she and the other boys and girls would walk home every day for lunch. she also told us that there was an ice cream parlor on bryant street and that she and her sister would walk over with empty milk bottles and would get them filled up with milkshakes for 10 cents. miles was impressed. maya is always especially polite with our neighbor and today told her that it was movie night and we were going to watch go diego go.

imagine living on this block for 80 years. maybe we should invite her over for tea sometime. i'll think about it.

i really need to start taking more photos-- Rancho Cicada

wish i had visual documentation of our weekend at rancho cicada, east of sacramento. a windy road through grapevines and then down down into a dusty canyon. at the bottom is the most beautiful perfect green river--crystal clear water, smooth slate rocks perfect for climbing on, one small rapids for kids to go down, minnows, rafts, a huge swimming area. along the river there is a lush long green lawn with plenty of chairs, croquet, a hot tub, and there are little wooden and tent cabins along the river. at night from ours you hear the burbling of the river, peeping frogs. a friend's friend does a demonstration showing us how to start a fire rubbing sticks together. we meet a librarian, an e.r. doctor from sf general next door, a little girl who wants to be an entomologist, a dog who gives swimming rides, and a woman whose brother is the president of the NAACP. the two older guys who run this place lead a hike up river to a deep and dark swimming hole with a rope swing even i try. they keep two tortoises and 14 vintage cars in a barn on the property and seem very happy.

for not too much money we ate amazing catered food, and met so many new friends and reunited with so many old that the weekend flew by with the kids pretty much in heaven. two images--one is miles sitting alone for a long time, peaceful and still in his bathing suit on what he named "sun rock", a curvy huge slate poking out of the water above the rapids. another is more of a short film, at night in the dark under three long strings of lights about ten kids entertain their parents and friends with a crazy play which quickly evolves into them all doing their own thing. maya is spinning around in circles laughing like crazy and falling down, being crack puppy. miles is a scary wolf but the girls don't mind. one nine year old is doing a conga dance with her mom chanting " you don't make friends with SAlad" from the simpsons. one little friend is flying around the group being a night fury, another is waving a flashlight at kids, almost hitting them in the head as she plays the role of an evil person assigning them chores.

it is free enough that the kids can just wander up alone to the kitchen for breakfast in the morning, and safe enough that parents can simply say "can you keep an eye on my kid?" and no one minds at all. i spent some quality time in the hammock with myself, looking across the river and up the steep canyon wall of that golden grass, dotted with trees holding on the the sides. our friend who invited us here said she saw a mountain lion up at the top of the other side of the canyon one morning last year.

it's my birthday. my son who has been quite difficult this summer looked at me before bedtime and said "we haven't argued in three whole days, mommy." then he told me he loved me, i was the best, and i was exquisite. only one is true, of course, but these things are good to hear, and were a perfect birthday present.

goodnight.

busy

hi blog

we have been busy, so here is a little rundown of recent events in the lives of the deiner and millman family...

we fled the city again for a week in sonoma. we bonded with the family who lives in my mom's condo complex, and i found i had quite a bit in common with the divorced, very bleached-blonde and tattooed single mother of two. miles had lots in common with the older boy, and they spent hours several days in a row playing aggressive boy games in the pool. maya went from timidly sitting in the (warmish) hot tub to jumping into the pool and swimming laps across the pool wearing water wings to actually swimming across the hot tub with her head under, water wing-less. from this pool there was a view of hills through trees, with a perpetually blue sky overhead. soaking up sun on a black lounge chair with maya wrapped up in a towel peacefully in my lap felt good. we visited a huge community garden and went to the cheesy but nice county fair. from sonoma my mom and the kids and i took a three day trip to stay at the inverness valley inn near point reyes. another pool and hot tub with cool kids to keep mine occupied. we watched an osprey family return with fish to a huge nest in a tree which towered over the inn. miles got to herd the inn's little farm animal group of llamas and sheep and goats and we got to eat fresh blue and brown eggs in the morning. we visited limantour beach and got a little sunburned and the miles ran about 10 miles chasing the waves. we also went to kule loklo indian village where we quietly felt like miwok indians, and quietly felt a little sad they were gone.

now we are back. i just harvested a bunch of carrots and potatoes and greens and lettuce from the garden. tomorrow we are heading out again to rancho cicada, east of sacramento, where we are going to stay in little wood cabins next to a swimming river, with a big group of people we do not know all too well, but who we will get to know better.

of course i am wondering again why the heck i live here if i am so happy being in nature and quiet, but it is really the juxtaposition that feels good to me. the other day i took the kids downtown to see a movie and we killed a little time in yerba buena park, riding the carousel, making the metal man stand and sit on the metal globe, sliding the giant slide and running around the maze. the city is not peaceful but it is never boring. and i am feeling full of new ideas for making my kid's elementary school more full of experiences with the natural world.

if only there were no earthquakes the city would feel a little more peaceful too, but it is hard for me to let go of earthquake images as i navigate a parking garage, or a huge glass-windowed movie theater complex. i have been in avoidance mode, taking ferries instead of bridges. or maybe it is the threat of earthquakes, which will strike when they want, not when we are ready, that cast a shadow of preciousness over our lives here.

i promise more photos soon.

two nice san francisco water days

yesterday i took miles to crissy field. the water was just about warm enough to swim, but we found a tidal river flowing into the bay that was about 85 degrees, with beautiful ripples of water. miles played last airbender and jumped off the sand cliffs into the water. our blanket ended up next to a group of kids and teachers from a school for kids with emotional disturbances, some of whom had come from the burt center, where i worked long ago. they had a pretty sweet little program going, and miles and i built tunnels while i eavesdropped on all the positive reinforcement going on and watched teenagers splashing joyfully in the bay. it was nice to be a mom of one for a few hours, and have my kid tell me "i like being alone with you."

today i took both kids to the north beach pool/joe dimaggio playground. i used to go here with the special day class i worked with at yick wo, as an indulgence when i was pregnant with maya. we were a little early and checked out the community center garden across the street as well as the corner store which sold ping pong supplies, candy, and pokemon cards. there are two beautiful clean pools inside, side by side, one 85 degrees, one a little colder. as soon as it opened the pool was flooded with at least 100 chinese kids, most of whom seemed to be without their parents. i thought miles would feel shy but within seconds he and another boy found each other in the mass of splashing, kicking, yelling kids. they followed each other around pretty much silently for about an hour. maya let go of the wall for the first time and jumped through the water to me, then swam back, over and over until she was exhausted.

we dried out in the north beach sun at the playground, where miles found his friend again.

home now, watching the old disney movie homeward bound, the incredible journey.