wish you were here

sorry if this is becoming image-heavy. well the soofis have come and gone and this picture of miles hugging nina (sorry we caught you at a bad moment emily) captures some feelings of love. click on it to see miles' almost ridiculous sappy round face. it was a great visit but i felt depressed last night thinking about how long it will be before i see my best friend and her adorable family again. cassie said well the years will go by quicker and quicker as we get old but that doesn't exactly cheer me up.


here is uncle evan at his birthday party. he had a hard year of losses and it is good to see him again out and smiling. we went to yoyo sushi, an old favorite for parties and ate lots, and did some sake bombs (beer in pint glass, balance little cups of sake on chopsticks on rim of glass, then bang the table with both fists after mispronouncing 1,2,3 in japanese and drink the bubbly product). evan tricked me for a moment when he stood up to make a nice speech about how we had stuck with him and preceded it with the news that he was getting a sex change. after a few drinks i was primed to walk to Therapy on valencia street and buy matching adorable very overpriced vests (think down vest with gunne sax fringe and soft fuzzy lining) with cassie. we walked to the mint
to join the rest of evan's birthday friends and hear some karaoke. maybe it was the drinks, or not getting out much, but the performances made you love humanity more than usual. we cheered for a lawyerly trim woman doing a matter-of-fact and deadpan hilarious version of jungle love with dance moves, an all out birthday lady, about 4 feet tall with birthday tee shirt and cake and candle hat who got up about 5 times and belted it out approximately 2 feet from the microphone, a transvestite older blonde about kaveh's size huskily asking in song if she really belonged here, and of course some super earnest folks who sang their little hearts out, channeling american idol. and hugh diamond!!! growling johnny cash in some seeming jolly confusion with his buddies cheering wildly. the mint packed wall to wall with people of all sorts, a pregnant woman hit on aaron in front of his pregnant wife, a cute gay man bought rebecca a drink, evan looked relaxed, and i barely thought of my children for once.

yesterday at ocean beach the kids going wild attacking kaveh's brother samid and we ladies talked on the blanket and then i walked down for a last look at the ocean with nina, emily, and miles. we made a sand mermaid and nina piled on the bikini and hair. the sun broke through the fog behind the cliff house. an attractive indian family ran and jumped in the spray. i cried a little saying goodbye but held it together. this morning when miles got up he said let's see someone today that we love. let's see cassie and nina.

other thoughts--just finished reading ecotopia. i remember it floating around the big co-op i lived in in eugene oregon almost 20 years ago and it was old then, but i just loved the utopia in this book (as a novel it's a little weak). it's about how n. california, oregon, and washington secede from the u.s. and create a new society. i want to move there. if it existed i could stay right here and the kids could go to schools where they would learn survival skills and how to make things and work and get along in groups and biology and ecology. cars would be gone and we would live in a big apartment with our extended family and friends, working a 20-hour work-week. everything would be in a stable state, and market street would be a big mall of trees. mini-cities would ring the bay, and we would have communes or country homes to go to when we wanted. no poison rubber baby bottles. no lights on at night.

other random thoughts: the napping lot. this idea needs to become a reality. a van is stocked with things you might need while trapped in the car with a sleeping baby. coffee. basic groceries. cheesy magazines. the van is in a quiet lot, somewhere scenic but near the city,where you can get out, leave the baby in the car, get your coffee, make your phone calls, stretch. for a small extra fee their nanny-checked employees will watch the baby while you use their little restroom. the most deluxe location would be in a parking lot adjacent to a small fenced-in park, with cartoons showing in a corner somewhere, for the older child who does not like being angrily shushed by his exhausted mother while she drives up and down the highway wasting gas and warming the atmosphere while trying to keep her worn-out baby asleep for just a one-hour nap. whaddya think?

what about the goat-ramp on highway one with cafe?

am i thinking in these directions because i don't want to return to work? probably.

rich is out tonight playing music with jello biafra.
our anniversary is in 2 days and no plans. it has been over four years now and we haven't been able to line up a babysitter. i think it is me. i can't imagine not being able to communicate and waking up and finding a stranger there to comfort me. uncle mike did do a good job one time, though, holding maya tight and showing her pictures on his cell phone until she gave up in exhaustion.

night night

muni rat

i know i should be sleeping!

today we went to julia's for a little birthday cake and ice cream. it has been a wonderful yet hard few days with cassie kaveh and the kids visiting. miles reflected his mother's feelings at our sleepover last night when he said tearily "if cassie isn't here in the morning i'm going to be really sad." so, tired, and trying to think green, i took the 2 kids on the 33 bus across the mission. this is a nice electric bus which crosses a lot of terrain, and almost always provides a surprise event of some sort.

as soon as we sat down a group of very hard luck folks got on by sf general, and a youngish guy with an old mouth (he later revealed he had no teeth because he didn't brush when his parents told him to, and gently told miles and maya they should brush a LOT. he was only 27 and completely toothless, though things other thatn not brushing can make this happen), ponytail, and dirty clothes smiled back at maya's hello and sat down in front of us. and then...a rat climbed out of his big grungy jacket. my son sleeps with a stuffed rat at night,and asks a lot of questions about them. just that morning he had asked about where rats live, and what would we do if a rat was in our house, and where would the rat catcher take him to release him from the humane trap he would set (i am telling more lies lately after the charlotte's web deal). this man was so sweet and gentle and i just went with my instinct and trusted him, gums and drug clinic look and all, as he offered to let miles hold the rat. miles was just overjoyed. the rat's name was friend, but nicknamed dino. he sat on miles lap and cleaned himself, and licked miles' fingers a little bit, and was generally a nice calm furry rat, as the man answered questions and supplied a little bit of crazy information but mostly good and certainly nothing bad. right before our stop at 18th and mission miles asked what was that and it was two little rat poops on his seat. that's rat poop said the owner, finding a scrap of paper on the floor with which to wipe it up, and it is a good thing because it means that he was comfortable sitting on you. he really likes you.

so am i losing all perspective to feel warmhearted about this unique encounter? it certainly made my son happy, and somehow me too. it made me glad i took the bus instead of driving. it erased a few points of suburb envy i have been accumulating lately from hanging out with my newly suburban friend and family.we went to julia's and washed our hands well and sang ate cake from tartin (sp?) and ice cream and watched the kiddos play sleep on a truck bed and put out a fire with tennis rackets. nothing happened on the way home because i risked our lives and we sat carseatless in the back of rebecca's city car share.

justine, if you are reading this, long live ratty!
now it is time to lie down and try to sleep.
bye

charlotte's web and the end of innocence

there they are, our naked tykes in kim and kimm's hot tub at the end of the welcome soofis bbq. mist is rising in the past bedtime night. kids are tired but still silly, giggling, bouncing and swimming. and then a clear little voice rings out "nina, you know, someday after a while we're all going to die."

this is just breaking my heart. that was my 4 and a third year old, after watching charlotte's web for the past week. when he asked me to explain what happened to charlotte i did not answer well. no religion to fall back on. no well thought out explanation (as in chicken's ferry ride to the island of dogs). no reassuring lies (people don't die). no, i told him that when charlotte died she just went to sleep and didn't wake up. and when he asked if people died i said yes.

of course not for a long long long long time. and you don't have to worry about it, mommy and daddy will always take care of you. but the questions keep coming, about who is going to die first, and will this healthy corn make me not die, and the very hardest statement of all, which comes unexpectedly day after day, during a car ride, after a quiet bath, eating macaroni, "i don't want to die."

i am trying to backpedal and when miles said this tonight to his dad i ran in and hugged him with a big smile and said don't worry, no one around here is going to die, your family will always be here and mommy and daddy will take care of you forever, and this at least brought a smile, but readers (if you are there) i feel dark and awful. i will try to erase it but i have planted this terrifying seed in my little guy's head, and i should have known better because that terrifying death plant has haunted me as long as i can remember and i KNOW parents are supposed to screen movies for their kids. not to mention the talk about eating animals has increased too.

so watch out for those innocent looking g rated movies, with their themes of death coated with a sugary little song about the miracle of life, and this little gem: "we are all born and we all die, that's the nature of life" served up to babies whose parents are busy doing dishes and laundry through the mouth of a puppet spider. i'm so sorry my son, i should have kept you longer in the world of thomas the train and friends.

reading, free lunch, exhibitionist, bees

there are way too many partially read books lying around this apartment. they reflect the disorganization within. right now
worldchanging,
the life and death of great american cities
relationship development intervention with young children
in persuasion nation
magic for beginners
collapse (mentioned earlier)

these links are boring me a little

also Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson

2 books on global warming i just bought have not been opened

also just ordered 2 discipline books online, as things are getting a little out of control around here lately! i'll report on them later

i've actually finished magic for beginners and persuasion nation, as short stories are my old best friends to spend time with, and if anyone wants to borrow either, come on over! i give persuasion nation a 9/10 and magic for beginners a 7 or 8, with no definition of the rating scale available. the other books are stimulating my children-numbed brain in a good way so far. i'm starting to make teeny tiny little green changes in our household, as it seems like changing our stuff will be a first step, our lifestyles next, and moving into the outer world last. at least for us. so we are composting our food scraps now (and hmm, there do seem to be more fruit flies flitting around), getting more bulk food, instituting a clean-up system which doesn't entail 10 paper towels per meal (maya likes them for dessert, i think she is getting some new molars), bought some tough metal canteens, and planted some drought tolerant plants on the deck to replace the old and sickly thirsty english garden types. also trying to think about the city a little more in terms of neighborhood, and what is a healthy neighborhood. ours is a special one, healthy in some ways, but hurt by the highway traffic, huge number of mentally and physically ill people coming in and out of sf general, and, in my opinion, the lack of front porches. i miss those big front porches we had so many of back east! i wonder if we would be happier in a healthier neighborhood, or even a few blocks away from here. i will read more of the great american cities book tonight.

so, more disorganized rambling. today we tried a free soccer class through parks and rec at garfield park. miles tried really hard and concentrated dribbling the ball for about 10 minutes, but then gave up in despair. "maybe when i'm a LITTLE bit older." he opted for running around the park with edison while his sister did a whole lot of whining and basically attacking (watch out little girl with the toy stroller!), and feeling conflicted between wanting to be held and taken care of and wanting to be on her own. whew. i need a vacation. i really do. at 12 the park served a free lunch and we waited in line for our american cheese on white bread bun, carrots, and milk with about 40 people who looked like they might need the lunch more than we. a lovely tan older man was sleeping in the sun with his pants unzipped and his, umm, thing sticking out right by our picnic spot. i told the director and the man zipped up and went back to sleep. did not make me hungry. this sparked a lively discussion about the pants police, why miles and edison could not go see the man's penis, sorry if you wanted to see his penis, but he's not a man you should be near because he doesn't follow the rules, etc etc until it came down to miles wondering what was so bad about the man's penis and i made up the fabulous lie that is was dangerous because he might pee on someone by accident.

we topped off our afternoon with a visit from the gentle giant bee remover jerry motak ( i highly recommend him and his wife for your insect needs), who came to remove what turned out to be an umbrella wasp nest out on our deck. he told miles (and meant it) that he would buy him a bee mask and train him to raise honey bees and remove insect problems when miles was older because it is a good job, an exciting job. maya was so freaked out by the mask that she could only be consoled with access to my checkbook. ripping and a little snacking. we then, desperate for activities, chopped up bananas and mixed them with hershey's syrup and put them in the freezer, followed by a not so fun for me game of miles being a carnivorous cat and maya his desperate to understand and catch up follower (we think she was a cat too). a little riding bikes up and down the hall and trying not to bash the walls with their new paint job but failing. a little game of throw wooden puzzle pieces on the floor in a pile because "maya did it and i want to be just like maya." then finally a calmish dinner of spinach pasta and a short chase mommy around naked into the tub with BOTH kids laughing and no one crying which was a good end for the day. hopefully tonight there won't be another earthquake, as last night's set me on an anxious tangent that lasted for hours and was only settled by some benadryl. i was visualizing us in a nice solar cabin somewhere with no earthquakes, in between horrifying images of earthquake damage to people. it was kind of a nasty little earthquake, felt like some big rude person grabbing and shaking the bed.

time to go read one of the many books with breaking spines around here.

goodnight.

oh yeah, and last night we watched the wild parrots of telegraph hill and it is pretty cute

midwest buddies

i just wrote a whole lot of too personal stuff about how my best friend moved way too far away and how her move intersects with my thoughts and questions about staying in the city, but then i deleted it all. maybe i will try and write something coherent about how choice-making can separate people at some less emotional time.

here are nina and miles about a year ago. those 2 cuties liked to get under the covers together! we will see if they still like each other in less than a week, when the soofis come to visit.

long lost friends, we can't wait to see you. but don't be surprised if a few tears come during your visit too.

coyote point

hey, i just popped some ativan and rebecca and i hopped a plane and took the kids down to the gulf of mexico! hardy har har. these were taken today at the lovely coyote point recreation area, just south of the sf airport. i think it is 5 bucks to park and you are in a huge green park on the bay. we parked and ate our snacks on a picnic table by a little marina (where i bought our stereo years ago from a couple who lived on a boat with about 5 cats and about a dozen rabbits). then we played at the little playground before going to the museum. we saw a "porky pine", "a beaver, i mean otter", a bobcat, "a real rattlesnake", "amazing birds and the turkey head bird", a fox, a racoon, and many more. there was a wildlife show at the end of which miles raised his hand in a crowd of about 60 people and asked the demonstrator the environmentally conscious question "why is there a painting on the wall behind you?" i am laughing as i write this--it was a so-so mural of wildlife, and not a bad question. we even saw a friendly rat sitting on someone's shoulders! after the show we spent about 45 minutes in a cavernous room full of detailed and interactive exhibits about the local environment and its critters, but did not actually read anything as r and i were busy supervising 3 little people running up and down and up and down and up and down the endless ramps, with maya taking occasional breaks to dart into little caves or shelters and bang her powerful hands on not so sturdy looking glass walls. afterward we walked on a path up above the bay and leading to a beach through huge eucalyptus trees. maya conked out in her stroller and i carried miles on my shoulders to the beach, which was windy but full of families swimming and fishing. very very nice. we could see san francisco "far, far away" and over to the east bay, the air seemed very clear and clean with little wisps of white clouds. it might be worth looking into the pollution level of this part of the bay, but today we just went for it, maya's little sleeping feet poking out from under her stroller blanket, miles and emily and rebecca and i jumping rapid fire little waves and laughing with the joy that comes from windy sea water.

we topped this day off with a stop at "old macdonald's" for some blecchy food and a back pain filled drive across the city to rebecca's and back, but incredibly the kids were good for 95% of the car ride, and took baths and went to bed with a minimum of screeching or crying (last night bedtime was a hellish hour of "i don't LIKE you" screamed at me full volume for the crime of no video you are too tired). tonight is my last night alone and even if the kids start waking up in a minute i have to say being a single mom for 8 days wasn't too bad.

nighty night. you're the best.

too far

here are a few photos, well not photos i guess but images (photos being objects you can hold and manipulate and babies can fold and you can put in your pocket and shuffle through great sloppy piles of and are generally more satisfying but seem to be fading into the land of old technology) from our trip to delaware when miles was about 16 months. there is my dad and stepmother and that's miles on the little fire engines i rode on as a child in rehoboth, signing "more" to request another ride. see cassie's blog (below) for more about rehoboth. rich is still in delaware, he boogie boarded and swam at cape henlopen in the 102 degree humidity today. i don't want to move back to delaware. but it is feeling so far and becoming so faint and it is where i grew up. miles asks about it a lot, "that land" of delaware. daddy is bringing him back an eagles hat from there because they only make eagles hats in delaware. we went there once on a train with our 16 month old child and it was fine. we will return there somehow.

with rich away my mom kindly came and stayed with us for the last two days, and it was nice to see my son so close with another adult who was family. not an adult playing chase or being super silly to entertain him at a party but just being herself, talking, explaining, reading, and of course buying some ice cream ( even maya knows it now--"i meem"). this afternoon we had a last visit with my cousin's nephew 10 year old lucien who has been staying with her here. miles loves lucien, to the point of following him around poking him with a sword and making crazy animal noises until lucien had to yell "calm down and leave me alone!" they were good together later, watching madagascar with lucien tenderly telling miles he was getting ice cream on his tummy as miles' jaw hung open at the animal savagery on screen and he cuddled a little closer between his second cousin and mommy. and maya sat on cassidy's lap, very rare trusting behavior, giving her the big smile. family family, they are a little different from everyone else, we all know that, but in the context of this blog about where should we live it is extra complicated.

we moved out here, so far from parents. but my brother is here. and now my mom part time. and cousin cassidy. much of the urban tribe family has fled but there are possibilities for renewal. maybe someday the soofis will return (just checking to see if you read this cassie). my sister is in southern texas, a place i can barely imagine. my dad and rich's parents still in delaware, with his brother. i wanted to leave delaware. first philly and then far far away to here. if we were somewhere with grandparents around the corner delaware it would be. or philly. but we left there and i don't think we are headed back east. this is something to wonder about. why not back east? i think i fell in love with something out here and i'm still not sure what.

in the future there will be very little affordable fuel and people will think more carefully before moving thousands of miles away from family. mine is split by a lot of space, but then, it was split when i was very young. in the future maybe we will be back to being closer little communities. what a crazy place where people fly all over looking for the right place to live. strange that i am one of those crazy people. i think i better stop because i am feeling really far away from some people that i love. if you are reading this you know who you are. it is my same old fantasy, wanting to live in a place where everyone i love is, the little intentional community, but that just won't exist in this lifetime.

little ramble

today at the swim class, between wiping boogers from miles' nose and protecting myself as he jumped on me i greeted a good friend's friend who recognized me from years ago, the teacher whose school we checked out a few weeks ago, and miles' schoolmate with her mom. this is just enough for me. enough to feel a little connected and friended. yet not overwhelmed by all the people in the pool knowing me and the details of my past. in delaware before i moved i was at the point where i would hide or cross the street when i saw people from high school. i'm trying to remember that feeling and how bad it was. i hated myself in high school, and for most of college. this is part of why i moved here. i think it is harder now because i liked the me i was for the past 15 years quite a bit, and want people to know her. the present me is very chunky, and tired all the time, and talks constantly about her kids. she does not play drums in a band at cool dives and go on big camping party trips and drive cross country and paint bad pictures and not care and write bad short stories and not care and have a cool dog and get wild and loud and become funnier and funnier as she drinks. when all the people who know this me have moved to the suburbs will she still exist? i do have some photos, i guess.

i met another mom at our park who is moving to san anselmo just in time for her second baby. for the schools, she said, though she teaches in sfusd and thinks it is pretty good. for a slower pace, though we both walk to this park daily and hang out for hours. as we spoke miles and a new little redheaded buddy named diego ran and laughed and shrieked (later i found out they were playing the hilarious game of throwing dirt at wasps). when it was time to go diego's mom asked if we would be here next monday since the boys played so well. yes i said, and then impulsively asked, "you aren't moving soon are you?" not for at least 2 years she answered. just in time for diego to go to kindergarten.

we will take what we get for now.
we are starting to consider spanish immersion for kindergarten. anyone out there know much about it?
is anyone out there?
xo,jamie

new ax

here are m and m jamming out to "trot old joe", maya's new favorite song. miles is playing his new electric guitar, purchased to keep him busy while rich is gone back east for 9 days. yes, that's no typo. anyone want to come ober and play music? because miles is ready for his band, and he already knows how to play the guitar really really well. this photo was taken at about 7:01 this morning, sorry neighbors, but sometimes you just gotta' rock.

rich is back east and i am feeling deep down sad and angry that i am here. as i type this a plane flies overhead. will i ever fly again? will my kids inherit this phobia? will i ever really understand it? i took a course and got myself on a plane in august of 2002, but then september 11 erased all that cognitive work and filled my susceptible head with images i doubt any course will ever unteach. i just don't want to die in a plane and i want my kids safe with me here on earth. but then there is my dad in a photo paige emailed me today from the east coast, holding my niece isabella whom i haven't yet met, and my brother is lounging on the beach in kuaii and rich is watching borat with his brother and nieces and nephews in DE and i am here. i want to bring everyone close to me but this just doesn't always happen. delware is very very far. i do that thing (the word escapes me, oh yeah, project) when you imagine other people are feeling the way you do and see a little sadness in my dad's eyes, a wish that all his kids were there. i guess next year if i can't fly we will be taking amtrak, hell though that might be. i really miss my dad. and my stepmother and sister. i feel helpless about the phobia, it is so powerful and seems to be growing.

we drove to point arena this weekend, up in mendocino county. we promised our son swim flippers for this trip but then forgot to buy them, and stop at 3 stores on the way, me running through a mall in corte madera to find a flipper store, no luck, the tension mounting in the cramped quarters of our honda civic. i am so touchy, feeling this tension is my fault, why did i not make the flippers happen? why is our son so fixated on promised things and why do we let him be this way? rich is driving and not into all the traffic and unfamiliar strip malls and miles is growing more and more unhappy, he needs his flippers, and traffic is awful. there is a terrible explosion of marital anger and we are stuck together in this little car surrounded by other cars, and miles is yelling "bad man" at his daddy and poor maya is so confused. but soon there is peace and joy, a big 10 sports store and some cheap flippers with a cheap mask. we forgive each other but it is a hard start to the trip.

i forget each time we leave about the huge rocks jutting from the ocean, bits of fog through the sun, gold and green hills, trees everywhere. high on a windy cliff road miles wants to know when we will be in the deep forest. the trees are leaning towards each other, pushed by an invisible wind. little idyllic towns and houses go by us, some perched on cliffs, others nestled into eucalyptus and redwood trees. old farm houses with sagging roofs and endless little buildings, perky white cottages with flowers all around them, architectural wonders vacation homes with huge windows are cathedral ceilings. are we there yet? when will we be in point arena? we will be getting there at bedtime but there is much talk about swimming in the river with the flippers. in gualala, almost there, we stop at a pirate fair. we listen to the half-decent santa rosa rock band and maya shakes it with a 50 year old woman who appears to be tripping, miles jumps in the jumpy castle thing. lots of little blond rough looking kids and mexican familes. turkey legs and bbq'd oysters and a lady pirate with 2 green-eyed parrots on her shoulders. that night we sleep at our friends' house, a cabin built around an airsteam trailer, on a meadow cut out of their 80 acres of land on the ridge. they are in the city. the tree swing floats under a giant tree, the kids are flying, different from the playground swings. the next day we catch grasshoppers, and frogs in the river. thoughts of a mountain lion intrude on my peace. i have a moment at the river like i smoked something, and find myself staring into a tiny pool i have made, at the wet rocks and pebbles colors and shapes outlined by the water, looking for some kind of little treasure. we go to town that night for the july 4th fair. "aren't they beautiful?" asks miles about the fireworks, beaming, and maya says "wowee, wowwee", hiding from the noise in our friends' minivan down at the cove. our party gang up visiting from the city drinks many mojitos and shots of jamisons, childless. i say i will stay out with them but this is not going to happen, and i really just need to sleep anyway.

and later the other scale, the big one, staring and escaping into the huge night sky and constellations as people walk by us with their comments and judgments and miles howls for full 20 minutes about a toy he wanted us to buy him at the fair. we walk up the dark hill road to the car and miles finally stops when a woman says "oh the baby is crying because he wants a toy" and places a fair bought necklace with a blinking light inside around his neck. miles tells us he doesn't like fairs with lots of things for sale that he wants to buy. sometime soon maybe he will see how his greed makes him unhappy. he rides rich's shoulders the rest of the dark way and maya snuggles in the sling. it is cold. couples walk by holding hands. young teenagers play with some roman candles and i feel they don't see us near them somehow, i hold my children tight and close. at the cabin the next m0rning we pack up and argue a little more, this trip is too short, we need some time to really relax. we don't see the mountain lion. maya falls asleep in the car and we sneak out of town without saying goodbye to our friends, no second trip to the river or the dome. it is a long long drive home, more redwoods and coast and wide green rivers,people could never create any landscape this gorgeous, we see deer, we need more of this place. this ocean, this time to look at little pools, chances to catch frogs and polliwogs and grasshoppers in our hands, maybe even a time for rich and i to drink a beer together outside and look at stars with our country friends while the children sleep in what miles says is "no sound at all, but a totoro wind."
goodnight, sleep tight, sweet dreams, you're the best.

osento

tonight i took the 48 up 24th street and met rebecca at osento. i felt i was in a foreign land walking down valencia at twilight. the air seemed softer somehow, less people and litter and more thought out costumes and hair styles. uncrowded elegant restaurants are creeping down towards ceasar chavez. osento is a women only spa, with hot tub, cold plunge, wet and dry sauna, lounges to lie on, quiet talking, no bathing suits. lots of different colored and shaped bodies are sitting and lying about. flyers about raising your lesbian gay bisexual or transgendered child. rebecca and i spend the first kidless visit together in a long time. talking is different in person. talking is different in person. the phone is really a weak substitute. rebecca and i have a GOOD conversation, yes about kids, but also about creativity, and lost friends, and racism and we can get a little deeper into the subjects because we are not interrupted by babies climbing onto tables and requests by little people to make spiderwebs or buy lip gloss or stop talking to our adult friend. we are in a hot little wooden capsule with a friendly stranger, naked, rubbing salt on our bodies, sweating. the kids are home. i am out. the phone is no substitute. mothers need alone time. afterwards we go to a fancy french restaurant and share one teeny apple tart with a scoop of ice cream on top the size of a cherry . i drink a fancy pear brandy and then rebecca's french wine she can't pronounce and doesn't like. we steal 6 bar olives. we get excited exchanging recipes and dinner ideas and this is good, these details about how many garlic cloves in the lentil soup and how our husbands are both trader joe junkies. we envy a man across the bar his mussels and salad. we are both too poor for more, but rich enough for this little treat. now it is dark and i catch the bus home. i know no one on it. a couple of young guys looking for a party. women with head phones on. a tall very dark dad and his son get off with me and see their transfer bus coming. we can do it says the dad and they sprint off together across crazy potrero avenue, fast and smooth. maya wakes up when i come home and i break my own rule and let her nurse, she is happily surprised, and rich is playing his calming video game and now here i am typing, my back hurts, we are off to point arena tomorrow for a big tiring adventure.

my little girl

here's maya at 2 months. my mom (see, i mention you a lot in here mom) noticed that she was smiling through her tears, and there were a lot of tears for the first months. the world is a rough place. today when i dropped maya off at her babysitter, kika's for a few hours, she clung to me for a minute and said "nnnnOOoooo" (sounds a little like a cow--fair imitation of her big brother), then stuck out her lower lip, went to kika, and waved what looked like a slightly grudging goodbye at me. another little friend had been dropped off before us and she had waved goodbye to her mom so maybe maya was just copying her. but my little baby, unable to understand where i go when i am not there, waved goodbye. later this seemed like a big deal. she often goes happily to kika and doesn't look back, but some days, like today, seems to want more mommy time and clings and protests. she is growing up. she was a stoic little day care warrior today. she made a choice to say goodbye intead of crying and even though it makes me sad she is growing so fast i am proud of her.

swords and babies

no, not the baby! oh, wait, that baby has a gun. this is a photo of miles and his second cousins literally minutes after meeting each other. they seized weapons (the gun-like thing is actually a bug vacuum which safely catches insects) and began pointing them at each other, threatening to cut each other, using the words cut, blood, catch, kill, laughing all the while. miles does a lot of this these days, and i will probably write more about it soon, but had to include this new photo. it's all about feeling powerful in this huge world of power and unknowns so i guess i can't blame him. he is following some kind of innate boy progression--balls at age 1, then trains at 2, trains into trucks into carniverous animals (this one is persistent) at 3 and pirates into superheroes at 4. it is a little frightening. right now he is cuddling up with his twilight turtle and telling me he loves me with each penny, and when we left school today he found a sleeping friend's stuffed chipmunk in his cubby and oh so tenderly tucked it under his arm. he can't wait to see his grandma tomorrow and "she's not getting me a toy but i want to see her anyway." so he is beginning his life with a broad foundation of violence and protection and love.
maya (experimenting with her tongue here) is already going in different directions. sure she likes waving a sword around occasionally, and pushing a truck or train down the hall. but right now she wants to conquer the world of mommy and daddy. "toos" (she put one on herself today with the velcro strap and all after 15 minutes of effort), "baby nigh nigh" (wrapping baby dolls in blankets), "ahmuls" (trying to give the bear her milk, and when he refuses saying "no? no, bay?" and then hitting him on the head with the cup and laughing, looking at me to make sure i get the joke. "daw"--she is determined to learn to draw like miles, "poon", not letting us feed her. she is independent and a caretaker, though no angel, and likes to sneak off and shred things and remove credit cards and keys from my wallet and throw things down the stirwell and won't let her brother hug her. i am rambling on here but seeing some very strong boy and girl tendencies. the personalities are theirs, the interests society's. we tried hard to make sure miles had dolls and bottles for them and cuddly things, but there is just so long you can resist the drive to wield a sword and a squirt gun.

they both like to clean, though. and screech in the car at each other. and read. and dance.

yesterday we went to music together together. i resisted this class for years while most of my friends tried it out. why spend a few hundred bucks to listen to someone sing goofy kid songs when rich is a professional musician? but it is cool. we spend a few hours at the bernal park playing with a different crew of kids, big ones from ymca camp, being wild and big yet sweet and needy at the same time. miles ties his rope to the monkey bars and suddenly there are about 20 kids hanging from it by one foot, wrapping it around their torsos, being monkeys, cops, pirates, tightrope walkers. i take it down and we go across the street into the calm and empty space of bernal yoga. now there are no latino and african american kids, we are a bunch of friendly maybe slightly-off-the-beaten path middle-class white moms with little ones and their big siblings. we remove our shoes and sand pours into the smooth wooden floor. we enter a large empty room and sit in a circle on little blankets. maya and miles sit with me, fighting for lap space, and then the music begins, a song about a horse named joe and something unexpected happens. our little friend shoots up and starts to run around the circle and then miles does too. they are wild wild horses, going so fast they are turning red, miles looks so big, strong, hard, the teacher asks them to run behind the circle which i later find out is unprecedented--it is all about doing your own thing but they look, well, dangerous. things continue and after a little questioning if miles will make it without breaking a wall down it is great. it's live music. the props roll out--a parachute to laugh under, balls to get and keep and throw and kick, maya hoards them in her shirt. egg shakers to shake or, if you are ella rose, to group together into a little pillow or nest to put the side of your face on. miles and kacie keep running, running. then instruments, and miles is pounding on a drum, maybe not sharing so well with the toddlers but he has to do that a lot. he and kacie and cole hit that thing hard. maya is banging a tambourine with a stick. we're chanting "yes ma'am" and miles is jumping joyfully on my back and maya shakes her hips a little and wiggles her fingers for the stars in twinkle twinkle and then it is over until next week.

a very good thing.

my kids have each woken up once in the last hour. miles coughing and maya not wanting to be alone. with each firecracker i wince and wait to hear a little voice moan out. rich is leaving on monday for 9 days and i am dreading the nights. these guys need me at night, but can't yet seem to sleep together. i wish i could put them with each other for comfort but no. back and forth down the hall hoping i can keep them both from waking at the same time because that is big trouble. we tried cry it out AGAIN dear well meaning friends and maya cried for and hour and then vomited all over the floor. my children don't find it easy to go to sleep alone and we can't do that much about it. it feels good to be loved so much but hard to be so needed. 24/7 for 8 days. if anyone wants to help me somehow please come over. i will pay you back i promise.

love,jamie

need some link practice

toxic plastics
this is a link to some scary yet good to know information my sister-in-law
suling
sent to me. miles and i had some somewhat solo time today. we went to see miles' friends big jonah who lives on a great little street, dearborne, in the mission near 18th, Bi-Rite, etc. i took a 15-minute walk alone to get a bagel and could almost feel my mind expanding into a new place just by walking on an unfamiliar street alone. remains of a party weekend were strewn around but the pace here is slower and calmer and a little healthier. no one smoking around these parts.
i walked down albion where my friend
nat bletter
grafted branches from several different fruit trees onto a nice little street tree, but i couldn't find the tree. when i returned to jonah's home i could hear the boys from a block away, screaming and yelling in ecstasy as they chased each other up and down the sidewalk with hula hoops. playing on the sidewalk, really even running on the sidewalk isn't much of an option on my block. a truck pulled out and miles said "that looks like someone i know, that looks like dr. becker" and out stepped our pediatrician from day one at ucsf, a man my son lies down and presents his ears for willingly
dr david becker
the boys love each other but inevitably within a 2 hour visit find time to hate each other. this happened inside with a giant robot arm dispute so gabriel and i took our angry offspring to
dolores park
to work out their feelings through gross motor activity. this park has some distant memories for me including playing and singing old tokin white boy (and oh how i wish there was a link to my first and most loved band and that i could travel that link to 1991 delaware just for a little while), so happy to be back together with my soul sister
cassie
gabriel tells me that he and jonah and now maybe elizabeth and baby orion are going to
burning man
this year. i have so many amazing memories from this little annual utopia, many enhanced but many not, but for some reason the memory that leaps out is a mellow part of a hot afternoon, biking around the playa in a sexy dress and pink cowgirl hot, dusty, with my little boombox bungiied to the back of my bike, playing a tape with sun ra on one side and
rudy ray moore
on the other, rudy's voice booming out into the desert air as i bike by camps and art and happy freaky people. it is hard to imagine being there, but maybe it is so because there is a lot of tension in our house just trying to raise 2 kids in a comfy apartment. maybe we would love it, or maybe we would be yelling at each other in our little rv while maya pounded at the door during a dust storm and miles begged for another video. we need to think about this one, though i know the kids would like so many things--the terrordome, the bean bath, the wooden and hay bale castles, the pool in the desert, the rides on crazy bike carts you can just hop on, the trampolines, the crazy swings. hmmmm, maybe we should go...
schools came up in our conversation and i am feeling a little more optimistic about kindergarten as i slowly meet more happy parents.
i mention the
parents for public schools

and one more link, just because i have wanted to include it for a while
berkeley parents network.
i get their online newsletter, it is prolific and hard not to read. full of advice wanted and advice given from bay area parents of all types, it helps me feel less alone.

the links are kind of a pain, but it is fun to type in a name or place and find it online. kind of a community, kinda sorta.
gotta go