swords and babies

no, not the baby! oh, wait, that baby has a gun. this is a photo of miles and his second cousins literally minutes after meeting each other. they seized weapons (the gun-like thing is actually a bug vacuum which safely catches insects) and began pointing them at each other, threatening to cut each other, using the words cut, blood, catch, kill, laughing all the while. miles does a lot of this these days, and i will probably write more about it soon, but had to include this new photo. it's all about feeling powerful in this huge world of power and unknowns so i guess i can't blame him. he is following some kind of innate boy progression--balls at age 1, then trains at 2, trains into trucks into carniverous animals (this one is persistent) at 3 and pirates into superheroes at 4. it is a little frightening. right now he is cuddling up with his twilight turtle and telling me he loves me with each penny, and when we left school today he found a sleeping friend's stuffed chipmunk in his cubby and oh so tenderly tucked it under his arm. he can't wait to see his grandma tomorrow and "she's not getting me a toy but i want to see her anyway." so he is beginning his life with a broad foundation of violence and protection and love.
maya (experimenting with her tongue here) is already going in different directions. sure she likes waving a sword around occasionally, and pushing a truck or train down the hall. but right now she wants to conquer the world of mommy and daddy. "toos" (she put one on herself today with the velcro strap and all after 15 minutes of effort), "baby nigh nigh" (wrapping baby dolls in blankets), "ahmuls" (trying to give the bear her milk, and when he refuses saying "no? no, bay?" and then hitting him on the head with the cup and laughing, looking at me to make sure i get the joke. "daw"--she is determined to learn to draw like miles, "poon", not letting us feed her. she is independent and a caretaker, though no angel, and likes to sneak off and shred things and remove credit cards and keys from my wallet and throw things down the stirwell and won't let her brother hug her. i am rambling on here but seeing some very strong boy and girl tendencies. the personalities are theirs, the interests society's. we tried hard to make sure miles had dolls and bottles for them and cuddly things, but there is just so long you can resist the drive to wield a sword and a squirt gun.

they both like to clean, though. and screech in the car at each other. and read. and dance.

yesterday we went to music together together. i resisted this class for years while most of my friends tried it out. why spend a few hundred bucks to listen to someone sing goofy kid songs when rich is a professional musician? but it is cool. we spend a few hours at the bernal park playing with a different crew of kids, big ones from ymca camp, being wild and big yet sweet and needy at the same time. miles ties his rope to the monkey bars and suddenly there are about 20 kids hanging from it by one foot, wrapping it around their torsos, being monkeys, cops, pirates, tightrope walkers. i take it down and we go across the street into the calm and empty space of bernal yoga. now there are no latino and african american kids, we are a bunch of friendly maybe slightly-off-the-beaten path middle-class white moms with little ones and their big siblings. we remove our shoes and sand pours into the smooth wooden floor. we enter a large empty room and sit in a circle on little blankets. maya and miles sit with me, fighting for lap space, and then the music begins, a song about a horse named joe and something unexpected happens. our little friend shoots up and starts to run around the circle and then miles does too. they are wild wild horses, going so fast they are turning red, miles looks so big, strong, hard, the teacher asks them to run behind the circle which i later find out is unprecedented--it is all about doing your own thing but they look, well, dangerous. things continue and after a little questioning if miles will make it without breaking a wall down it is great. it's live music. the props roll out--a parachute to laugh under, balls to get and keep and throw and kick, maya hoards them in her shirt. egg shakers to shake or, if you are ella rose, to group together into a little pillow or nest to put the side of your face on. miles and kacie keep running, running. then instruments, and miles is pounding on a drum, maybe not sharing so well with the toddlers but he has to do that a lot. he and kacie and cole hit that thing hard. maya is banging a tambourine with a stick. we're chanting "yes ma'am" and miles is jumping joyfully on my back and maya shakes her hips a little and wiggles her fingers for the stars in twinkle twinkle and then it is over until next week.

a very good thing.

my kids have each woken up once in the last hour. miles coughing and maya not wanting to be alone. with each firecracker i wince and wait to hear a little voice moan out. rich is leaving on monday for 9 days and i am dreading the nights. these guys need me at night, but can't yet seem to sleep together. i wish i could put them with each other for comfort but no. back and forth down the hall hoping i can keep them both from waking at the same time because that is big trouble. we tried cry it out AGAIN dear well meaning friends and maya cried for and hour and then vomited all over the floor. my children don't find it easy to go to sleep alone and we can't do that much about it. it feels good to be loved so much but hard to be so needed. 24/7 for 8 days. if anyone wants to help me somehow please come over. i will pay you back i promise.

love,jamie