harvest photo

some vegetables from our garden. i like this photo. right now the peach tree is full of ripe fruit, come on over and we will give you some peaches to put on your cereal.

the kids and i said goodbye to our visiting friends at fort funston today, by the cool great green pacific ocean. dogs ran in packs and crows glided overhead. i brought gourmet doughnuts and miles and maya gave some of their toys and a book to nina and niko to make their trip home nicer.

my son is obsessed with money right now, asking a million questions about costs and incomes. i feel badly for his impressionable little brain sometimes, surrounded by ads on buses, in magazines, kids walking by with their portable video games, every adult with an ipod, ipad, iphone, basketball players with 100$ shoes that will make him jump higher "because they have air". he wants us to look these things up on the internet so he can see the cost. would things be different if we lived in the suburbs? up in the mendocino woods? a deserted island? it seems so hard for my little boy not to want more and more when that is the way the economy is designed. miles said the way it works is that he keeps thinking and thinking about wanting a cool new thing until he gets it, and then he starts thinking about another cool thing. we need to teach him how to resist wanting things, somehow, so he can fill his brain with more sustainable and peaceful thoughts. or maybe that is just a mother's fantasy.

more staycation and existential whoopi goldberg

sunday streets hit the mission again. a beautiful day for sunglasses, tricycles, scooters, rollerblading, hula hoops. miles and edison played street hockey with some real live san jose sharks. we sat on the admittedly not bad synthetic lawn at john o'connell high school and watched circus bella perform with a great live band, and then the kids got messy with el tonayense food. no cars around for five hours. peaceful.

our friends are still visiting. yesterday we spent a lot of time with them at the zoo, and then i splurged and stayed next door to them with the kids at the ocean park motel so we could relax in the hot tub and not have to rush home for bedtime. it was nice being out on the west side of town near the ocean. the air is a little different, the traffic noises still loud but calmer somehow. we took the l taravel to sushi which my kids pretty much hate. then today we braved the academy of sciences with 4 tired kids. we saw the whoopi goldberg narrated planetarium show which was pretty deep. maya liked watching the baby stars getting born and did not appreciate any dark or scary music. at home later miles said it was a little scary because the sun is going to die. i tried to convince him that in five billion years humans will have changed so much they will be less like us than we are similar to jellyfish, and that by then we will probably have magic powers, and that there will be new solar systems to live in and that we could just teleport there.

he was intrigued, but not convinced or cheered up, really. me neither. it has been so nice being with our old friends who are visiting, even with loud and sometimes quite annoying kids (mostly mine) that it is a reminder that this is our only, short, life. miles and i both get it, even when we don't want to, that these good times are not going to last forever. what to do, how to enjoy them the best we can?

time to write a rock musical, or have a drink on a rooftop deck, or go smooch my sleeping kids.

goodnight

rob hill

very tired, so this will be short. it has been a busy week of going to anchor bay and point arena to camp, swim, see fireworks and stay up into the wee hours with old friends, as well as a blur of city time with visiting old friends--park visits, eating out with sloppy kids, eating at lolo, drinking at dirty thieves until almost closing. then last night we went to rob hill campground with the same old friends. we were joined by about 30 people many of whom were about waist height or shorter, and camped in the presidio with a fire until about 2 in the morning. the kids were giving each other piggybacks, making witch brews out of bark and leaves and dirt, dancing on the picnic tables, hiding in the raccoon proof food lockers, and wrestling hard like puppies. hawks, flowers, mist, a view of the ocean through eucalyptus trees.

it is good to see so many friendly faces. feeling a little old in the morning, creaky and tired, but happy. we have been with old friends and their kids all week and even though our kids are not growing up together they still seem able to be close. my eldest has been driving us nuts with his show off crazy boy behavior but the kids seem to like it.

their baby time together made some kind of bond, i hope it lasts.

secret stairs

ouch, what did i do? my back is killing me. i am hobbling around feeling covered with aches.

today maya and i went to pick up miles from his camp in gg park. we parked near the conservatory of flowers and went in, but maya thought it was no fun. we spotted some steps that went down under jfk drive, and went to check them out. it was a little dark and the ceiling was cracked. on the opposite stairs sat a goofy young man in white sunglasses playing guitar through an amp. we sat to listen and he handed us two maracas and played us wierd renditions of wheels on the bus and yellow submarine. then an older man came through the tunnel to say hello, playing a recorder wildly. we decided to keep going and found some secret steps. "these are our secret stairs, secret stairs" maya chanted. we ended up at the arboretum where we met turtles and squirrels, and maya chose which way to go each time there were two paths to choose from.

more birdland

this is not great photography. not even half-decent photography. i was just excited to finally see the robin family. a while ago i found a bright blue egg lying in the brown mulch in the yard. we could not find the nest. and for weeks there have been robins in the yard, very big and present back there. i have seen them flying away with worms dangling from their beaks, worms that i bought at sloat nursery to improve our soil. we have been hearing a steady chorus of cheeps from out back. today i followed the bird sounds and found three very small robins sitting on a branch in the tipitina tree (this is what rich calls it, i am not sure that's the name). a leggy tree with soft leaves and purple flowers. they flew up when they saw me and reconvened on this telephone wire. i am so pleased with all the life out there.

old kid world faces

lately at camps and parks and birthdays i have been seeing old friends from the kid world. which is only a seven-year-old world and already filled with many layers. there's ashley, the teacher from miles' first preschool, and a kid from that preschool in his camp, and there's another familiar face--how do i know you? oh yes, you are laura lee's buddy and the last time i saw your 7 year old he was not crawling yet. oh hi, yes, from teacher willa's city college class. look how cute and tall she is now. hey, we knew you when the kids were tiny--remember baby jam at our house? there's zephyr, he came to our house once to play, they live a block away. and leo, remember when he and miles were toddlers together fighting over trains? jonah and rye, you are so huge and adorable now, so glad to see you! what is wierd about this is that is seems like so many of the kids we have met since kid world began are still around, growing fast, their siblings who were mere cute blobs in carseats now running around with lightsabers, but all of the kids born to the friends i loved in my life before parenthood have moved away. yes, i am so sorry to tell this sad old story again, but it is true. seems like we know half the kids in this city, and there are tons of them, and great to see them, but the ones i really want to be bumping into, well not just bumping into but seeing for every birthday and the kids whose parents i would love to be bbqing with are all gone. yes, i know part of it is my fault because i have let the bridges come to represent huge huge obstacles. but i am missing you this summer, and your photos are not enough.

my summer education on kalw

i've had a little free time to stay home alone, read, unsuccessfully move our crappy beat up furniture around to try and figure out what looks right, feel like sisyphus (sp?) putting my children's toys away, pull weeds, water plants, and harvest vegetables.

today i just baked a plum pie with plums from the tree out back. if you read this and live nearby come on over and have some.

i am amazed by the stories i have been hearing mid-day on kalw. they are actually making me laugh, cry, and even gasp a little alone in my flat. some of the most amazing have been on the moth radio show, ira glass, and the sound of young america. if you find yourself with some free time to listen, treat yourself to these shows.

23rd ave at clement

i drive out here at 8pm to see a dresser from craigslist.

sweet country music is wafting from el grande produce where small asian ladies are shopping for fruit on the sidewalk. i am parked in front a pyschic palmreader store with a life size golden balinese staue in the window. underneath it an adorable chihuahua stands on his hind legs, looking out. an older man wearing a cowboy hat sitting outside a little market with fancy bongs in the window whistles at his friend across the street. his friend comes over and they sit on a bench and pass a bowl to each other in the dusk. a toddler is laughing and talking in spanish pointing at the japanese toys in pui may houseware's storefront. an attractive blond couple walks by deep in conversation, arms around each other's waists. two sweaty young asian men cross the street talking about a teaching credential. a billboard advertising the genghis khan exhibit watches over us all.

and i instantly like the man selling the dresser. we talk for about half an hour and then he drives the dresser across the city and carries it up my stairs. he and his wife and their one-year-old are contemplating leaving the city for somewhere smaller, easier, where they can set up a little collective and sell furniture and art. or maybe they will stay if they can work it out.

everybody here is fast asleep. goodnight.

the shoe and castle are maya's photos

it was a very hot weekend. trying to keep cool with fruit ice, fans, a trip to the pool. today we spent 5 hours in the shade at the potrero rec center celebrating a friend's 7th bday. there was a big sound system with dance hits blasting all day over potrero hill, down towards the green bay below, while kids played basketball, petted dogs, ate cake and took some clothes off. maya took these lovely photos of her shoe in the dusty grass and a castle on the sidewalk.

today, obsessively gardening, i showed miles the sneaky powdery mildew that has coated much of the chard and messed up the leaves. he suggested that there might be some sort of potion that would kill the mildew. when i explained that this was organic gardening and we didn't want to use the potion to kill the bugs and mildew because the potions were bad for people too there was a glimmer of "aha" in his eyes. even though this backyard vegetable garden has turned out to be mostly my hobby, and the kids do not spend hours digging and examining plants, smiling in the sun (they mostly make overly loud noises in the back yard, throw things, and maya cuts all the flowers down in their prime) i liked how he learned this with me, at the time when he was ready for it, and not through a lecture in a grocery store produce aisle.

letter words

taking a walk up 24th street today. mint chip and coffee cones from st. francis. we wandered into a art gallery with an exhibit where you stood and looked into a mirror on the floor with a huge round mirror rotating above it from the ceiling. around the room were all kinds of wierd little lost and found objects in jars. butterflies, crumpled music scores. various tubes and mirrors and colored glass to look through. miles discovered one which made rainbows and sparkles on cars passing by. yes, miles who bailed on the fabulous summer camp i just blogged about.

at the mission branch library was a fun free magic show and i signed the kids up for the summer reading program so they can win some STUFF. walking home we bumped into two little boys from maya's pre-k and our friend tex.

we also got to see and hear a whole bunch of b-words and n-words. and see a bunch of men with their pants firmly belted just below their boxered butts. and see some drunks yelling at each other in the street. miles is fascinated by these people and it makes me feel quite conservative and scornful. "watch your language around my child!" i think. "pull up your pants you moron."

and just now, after a long, painful but ultimately productive struggle with my son tonight, i think i may have just heard some gunshots. and the cars keep streaming by in the dark.

silver tree day camp

today miles went to his late day at the first week of parks and rec silver tree day camp. maya and i hiked in to meet him at 6. as we entered the canyon with the dog walkers we could smell the smoke from the campfires and hear the yells of excited kids filtering throught the eucaluptus trees. miles' group was at the top of a terraced area, begging the dude counselors for one more marshmellow. maya scored 3 and we sat on a little concrete bench up there and took in the view of trees, bushes, rocks, kids, fires, big open sky of the canyon. this camp has been going on for 71 years. there are photos inside of counselors in full suits welcoming the camper in, 1941 style. after the hot dogs and marshmellows we went and sat on the big logs and watched each group perform. first a goofy song, straight from my own childhood, including words like "gopher guts", "mountain dew" and "comet, it makes your mouth turn green". then some short and sweet skits including a grand finale of the silver tree barber shop where the kids asked for egg shampoos and other kids cracked and rubbed raw eggs into their hair.

pretty awesome.

someone asked me today what makes me happy and my answers were all pretty sensory. looking at nature/my kids/art in the neighborhood. laughing with people. listening to birds from the back deck. eating a snap pea i grew. smelling a camp fire and being in glen park canyon in the middle of the city. maybe this makes me a more like a child than a real adult. maybe it would be better to find happiness in grander and more formal things, like satisfaction with work, or the creation of a complex novel. maybe it would be better if my happy moments were not so often lived through/with the happiness of my kids. maybe i would be happier if i did not have so many fears.

but that is what it is for now. it was a pretty happy day.

late

1:42 a.m., insomnia again. the world seems to be sleeping, i hear nothing but the refrigerator humming and a quiet whooshy sound from the highway. a bus starts up and goes at the corner.

today there were 2 hawks way up high above, chasing 2 other birds around. they just kept getting higher and higher, i couldn't stop staring right up into the sun at them.

third summer of summer camp for my kid. i want to see him bounding out of the woods at the end of the day laughing and playing with some other kids but he is straggling out by himself in his new camp t-shirt, nose covered with dirt. not complaining too much, though. not crying. he is doing it.

i am ready to start some summer writing that will not be on this blog. wish me luck.

waahh

my first born is growing up too fast! here he is reading a story he wrote in mandarin at the end of first grade party.

ch ch ch ch changes

lots of changes. today was my last day with my students who are going to kindergarten. some of them, i can kind of see their future, at least a little. others it is less clear. all my smart wonderful little guys with autism. will they turn outwards or inwards? i want to follow them and find out, remain on their team, but i live in a big city. maybe i will see these guys here or there--on a bus, or at the zoo, or on a slide. i want to see them talking and laughing, included, having fun. they can do it, with a little help. i will miss some of my graduates a lot.

i didn't plan on going, it just sounded kind of depressing, but at the last minute i took the kids to a goodbye to the principal pta meeting. yes, it is depressing to find out that several of the important staff members at my kid's school are leaving. people i had in mind when we chose the school. you know me and unknowns. you know me and change and losing people. i don't like it one bit. but at this meeting my kids were playing hard outside while the grownups inside were making toasts and drinking mai-tais. kickball, pokemon, dodgeball, and maya even wormed her way into a gang of big girls playing some kind of cool fantasy game about living in a garden. as the girls sped across the big playground in a blur of pink and red and white, waving branches in their hands i talked to parents i have not known for quite two years, and i we made each other laugh hard, and it felt good.

i am starting to get used to this a little, people coming and going from our lives. that has been the heart of this blog, really, getting used to life in this city of transience. i am sure there will be more to come, every year, but maybe getting used to all these goodbyes can be a way of growing stronger. and even if they are out of sight and mind all these friends and students and teachers leave some kind of imprint on me. the layers are piling up.

i sang the song at school today; make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. i don't know how many of the words my students understood. but they are looking, and smiling and trying to sing along, and i think they have all learned in their two years of preschool what a friend is.

xo
jd

super urban

this afternoon on the charter bus to the starr king track meet i sat next to a cool little kid who moved here from mexico. i asked him which he liked better and was surprised to hear he liked san francisco better. he said there was not much to do in mexico. EXCEPT go fishing and hunt deer and salmon with a bow and arrow. miles' eyes bugged out of his little city boy head.

things have been super busy, a blur of iep meetings, pta meetings, science fairs. today was my day off with maya and it all slowed down. we walked big brother to school. took the car to the mechanic across the street and while we waited for a repair we walked to dynamo donuts. on the way we met a lady from pennsylvania and her cat scooter. we found a wierdly fresh-looking easter basket full of fake grass and plastic eggs. maya oohed and aahed over the fantastically beautiful houses on york street. we got the chocolate rose donut and split it, while reading a book about donuts. on the block long walk back a man pruning roses cut one and gave it to maya. "that's a nice rose" i said. "that's a nice MAN" said maya.

maya and i went and saw some city and farm animals and the amazing view at the randall museum and then came home and gardened and then i took miles to his school track meet.

i had imagined this event taking place at a big stadium somewhere but a bunch of kids in starr king t-shirts got on a charter bus playing loud r and b and headed to the heart of the tenderloin. there were cool tall coaches and assistant teen coaches in purple and yellow tracksuits. these were all volunteers through parks and rec and various tenderloin youth groups. and a ton of people from starr king, which i guess is one of the few elementary schools with trekkers, which is basically kids running laps around the yard for tiny prizes.

it was a little confusing and i was assigned to the start of the 50 yard dash. which i realized was going to be on eddy street. buses and cars were flying by, crack addicts all around. there were two police barriers blocking part of the road off and another volunteer and i took matters into our own hands and pulled some more out, blocking the street completely. blocking that street felt awesome. the 5o yard dash then proceeded, with kids at the starting lines in groups of 4, a real starting gun which scared the crap out of some kids, and people in purple and yellow track suits with sharpies writing down each kid's time on the sticker on their shirt. older toothless women walking saying how cute it was. inside the rec center there was a softball throw, a long jump, and hot dogs, bananas and o.j. for all. there was a raffle which every kid won. miles won a brown fake wool scarf and a baseball. there were trees to climb and the grand finale was a parent and coach relay race.

a mini track meet in the heart of the tenderloin, about as super urban as you can get.

vegetables

i am feeling very farmy-y right now. today i harvested a big bunch of carrots, parsnips with their greens, arugula and one beet from our little garden. i roasted the parsnips and carrots, and just made up a parsnip greens recipe with what we had:

take all the leaves off the stems, steam until tender

saute one chopped onion and a little leftover turkey in olive oil

add greens, a little wine, some salt and pepper, and a few shakes of jalepeno hot sauce

very tasty and healthy. it is encouraging to be able to grow food in this little not so ideal yard. if we can grow vegetables here with some love and care then a lot of things are possible.

of course my kids won't actually eat these vegetables but that is a different story.

bus ride

last night i indulged myself and read about 200 comments in the chronicle written in response to the article about the adequacy for education funding lawsuit against the state. the comments were pretty shocking and about 75% found a scapegoat for the education funding problem. unions, illegal immigrants, and even a little special ed (why should we spend so much money to educate these people's messed-up kids?).

walking up 24th street while waiting for the bus up to noe valley to buy facepaint for my son's school fundraiser tomorrow:

i am drawn to the socialist workers table at 24th and mission. i remember my good friend's parents went to socialist labor party picnics and things, they were really into it. i tell the nice young man there with the earnest thin face that i guess i am not so happy being with capitalism anymore, but not sure i am ready to be a socialist either. he gives me a newspaper to read and i hop on my bus.

noe valley is full of happy wealthy people in the sun. everyone seems to be outside today. at the farmer's market i get some spinach. people are all sitting on chairs outside cafes and restaurants. a lone man in a muscle t is playing electric guitar--santana, led zeppelin, dueling banjos.

i bump into a friend whose kid goes to a public school up here. she said at their school auction last week they raised $140,000 in one day--$17,000 of that in "tequila parties"

on the bus on the way home two middle-aged-older men sit in the united nations line-up that is the 48 going from noe to potrero hill. a woman who turns out to be a man sits next to me and these two men feel fine discussing how disgusting it is when men dress up like women. the bus driver has some stories about how he calls these men sir and they are so offended. the other man asks what this world is coming to and starts talking about the bible.

when i get off there is a wierd incident where a very speed-freaky looking man does something a speed-freaky looking woman does not like and then she is at walgreen's asking the clerks to call 911 because she has been robbed and they just avoid eye contact with her and pretend she does not exist. this is what san francisco is like the woman says. "can anyone hear me? i was robbed and i want to call 911. can you hear me??" as i left a serious faced young manager was coming over to take charge of the situation.

it's okey, im an old man now

it's a little hard to see, but this is a crying bunny saying "today my mom died" and an owl with a broken wing saying "it's okey, im an old man now." does this make you laugh? if it does, i like you, or at least i like your mood.

wierd images today. a trail of hockers up 23rd street on the way to school. i passed through that lovely forested area between laguna honda and behind ucsf and looked across the water to see a person in an e.t. like hazmat suit pulling a vacuum of some sort through the trees. a huge blind woman across from dynamo donuts tapping with her cane and chanting "i'm right here" at the top of her lungs until a friend pulled over in a truck and she got in.

today maya said goodbye to her best friend lucy who is moving to boston. poof.

we picked fava beans in the garden and turnip greens and found some roly polys. maya actually sat down and helped me peel the favas like some sweet little fantasy and i cooked them with olive oil, garlic, and the turnip greens and they were pretty tasty.

rich is at band practice being creative and having fun. the kids are passed out, maya with a smeared butterfly face and miles nestled in the bed with a pair of electronic wolverine gloves with retractable approxmately 18 inch claws. aww. i just did the peeping tom thing with facebook again. my boss seems to be going bonkers or playing head games with me but i can't write about that here. a group of students and organizations is suing the state of california because the schools are so screwed up and poorly funded.

i need a project to sink my teeth into. summer is here in 2 weeks.

come and visit!

xo

ahhhhhh ARTS

in the face of the may revise crazy terrible budget cuts and looming economic crises, collapse of life as we know it, better work on that backyard garden and maybe get some chickens too, etc etc i took miles to the de young museum tonight to see the stagewrite presentation of some fifth grade playwrights at starr king's work. we got to the museum to see a ton of kids there for the young at art celebration, and lots of great kid art up at the museum. we went into the koret theater, a medium big place, and the show began.

IT WAS SO AMAZING!!!!!!!

stagewrite has worked with the kids at starr king for four years, starting with drama games and working up to being playwrights and producers in fifth grade. they do all kinds of great stuff like taking the kids to the de young to be inspired by visual art, taking them to the zeum to make claymation introductions to their plays. then they assemble an amazing cast of actors, a live band, a fantastic sound effects person, and the actors perform the kids' plays live, while the kids sit one at a time on the stage at a desk labeled "the playwright". then one by one there was a sweet little claymation intro with the kids voices saying who they were. and then the awesome, awesome plays, introduced by a very cool fifth grade girl. i didn't know these kids but i feel like i do now, and their plays were deeper and realer than pretty much any adult plays i have seen. the kids even wrote the lyrics to songs that were in many of the shows. each play was inspired by a piece of art which was shown on a screen behind the stage. then the background scenes were pictures the kids drew, projected onto the screen.

i can't remember them all but every single play was so good.

a sculpture of a church made of bullets: inspired in one playwright's mind an eerie funny story about a misguided soldier with a bad sense of direction. it took me a while to get it, but i realized the soldier was being taught by a wicked haunted mansion in the bermuda triangle to be anti war.

a painting of a woman picking picking cotton: became a play called "go north" about a girl picking cotton on a plantation who thinks her life is good until a talking four leaf clover which was her mother until she was killed trying to escape slavery tells her to go north. she follows stars and ends up escaping and planting four leaf clovers up north.

a sculpture of a fist with two eyes becomes a story about an angry boy living in a tree house in a future world ravaged by meteors who feels his father does not care about him. he goes to kill a panther for his family to eat but when he fights the panther the panther scratches out his eye. he throws the eye at his father in his hut and leaves home.

a painting of superman becomes a hilarious story about a man who is bored sitting around his house reading comics and watching cartoons. his bored and frustrated cell phone comes to life and they go into the world to fight crime but fail miserably. they go home and back to their existence as "total morons".

a sculpture i couldn't quite see became a story about a litterbug girl growing up in a part of new york full of people littering and fighting. when mother nature comes down to earth to teach her a lesson by raining cats and dogs on her, making her shower burn and freeze her, and directing a flower up her nose, the girl gets mad that she is being targeted while everyone litters. then she and mother nature sing an amazing duet about how she can be good to the earth and teach her friends to follow her. they have a party and stop throwing hot chips wrappers on the ground and learn to recycle and the overly serious mother nature becomes a member of an all girl rock band.

and a painting of a woman with a necklace becomes a story of a diamond necklace with a french accent who falls in love with his owner. he is dropped in a sewer accidentally and travels around the world. when he finds his owner does not love him but just wants to use him for her prom, he decides to stay in canada and finds true love.

anyhow, i was excited about this performance, because it was to me real art which is voices and visions which give the audience a new perspective. and i'm tellin' ya', for 90 minutes, really, i laughed and cried. i was pretty much in awe of these awesome playwrights, and got a little insight into their lives.

thank you art and those who think it is important.

beehive tree

these kids are posing--if you can' t tell they are supposed to be eating honey. this tree in glen park canyon has a fence around it and it took us a little while to figure out why--there are hundreds of bees buzzing in and out. today the kids and i took a little hike through my favorite park this side of town. the playground area full of birthday partiers, tiny t ball players, soccer teams running across the huge field, a tennis player playing in (only) skin tight white jeans. maya spotted a box of chocolate cupcakes on a bench and the kids were given one by a friendly woman who said she baked too many. as we leave this busy area and walk the path between the creek and the huge grassy stony hill the crowd thins down to a few dog walkers. we see an excited man and woman with binoculars and they let us use them to see baby owl heads poking up out of a nest in a huge eucalyptus tree. there are signs up about the coyotes, there is miner's lettuce, wild radish, blackberries with blossoms everywhere we look, little creeks with secret hideouts, aggressive robins, blue damsel flies. i am proud my kids can spot poison hemlock and deadly nightshade, they know their dangers well. we meet a tough looking lady and somehow in minutes have made a connection and she is telling me how she rescued one of her pit bulls out of a neighbor's yard because they were letting him get ripped up by other dogs. "if you spend five thousand dollars on vet bills for an animal they become yours, right?", and then wierdly i have teary eyes and she does the bam thing on my fist and tells me i have a lovely family. which i do.

i should be there or they should be here

here is where rich is right now:

some of my favorite music and favorite people from the last 20 years. rich is somehow managing to do this, i guess it is the drive to play music that keeps him connected to his past. a fairly steady stream of sound which easily moves from coast to coast. seems a little surreal. i am here in earthquake land emailing, listening to the strangers downstairs singing karaoke, my kids asleep with stuffy noses, the dishwasher running. i would be so happy in that bar, jameson's and coke in hand, "i love you guys" to everyone. i would be overcome with nostalgia and beautiful rock and roll. i am here though, far removed.

that's all for tonight.

extremely random post, sorry

out at the marina the kids in their red and white shirts in the green grass. some running after the ball, others looking out at the sailboats, some running excited in circles like dogs. afterwards we go and play at the beach, i am an old woman with a sore heel, my son running fast along the water's edge, begging me to race the waves with him, i flash back to begging begging my parents to swim in the ocean at bethany with me, the pure pleasure of holding my dad's hand in the salty spray. i run a little. we pet many dogs and maya walks on edges of things and scratches her leg. we get sunburned.

saturday night i watched a pbs show about how amphibians, who have survived for millions of years and adapted to ice ages and all kinds of habitats, were in swift decline across the globe. some kind of aggressive amphibian virus. plus chemicals and drugs including birth control pills deforming frogs and even changing their gender. a scientist in a berkeley lab, big gold earring dangling from one ear, showed a frog in a tank who used to be a boy mating with a male, having just laid a clutch of eggs.

today maya and i wandered by the brava theater and went in spontaneously to see an amazing ballet folklorico show. a little girl from miles' class sat next to us, her brother in the show. she speaks spanish and english at home and is now learning mandarin at school. she told me she would learn five languages when she grew up. she and maya made whispered jokes about puppies falling from the ceiling into their laps. adorable little girls and boys in traditional costumes danced and stomped onstage in this fine dark theater, a big roomful of people cheering them on, the girls smiling steadily, the little boys in their cowboy and groom outfits more serious. there was fantastic mexican fold music playing, loud and pure.

this is all random writing here. maybe this is how we humans are, able to process and act on just so much. why the heck don't i put sunscreen on my kids and i when our family histories are full of skin cancer? sure i saw a man on tv telling me that the death of amphibians was a sure sign that major things are going wrong, but i just shove that information into the overstuffed the world is fucked file. sorry, that just seems like the right word. then i can go about my day and let in the sensory pleasures of music, sun, birthday cakes, my kids laughing, the sight of a red-tailed hawk chasing a bird around the sky above our deck, a bath while drinking water with spearmint from the garden, the smell of lemon tree blossoms.

this afternoon i went to hide in the garden to make a long-distance call away from my children. as i walked down the steps a robin fluttered clumsily away. i sat down on the bench and was surprised to see a whole blue robin's egg lying alone in the brown mulch. strange. i told miles not to touch it because the robin might try and take care of it, but what can it do? build a nest around it on the ground? can a bird pick up and carry its own egg? it is still lying there, glowing a little in the twilight.

goodnight

why can't i be facebook normal?

my husband is out at band practice, the kids are sleeping, and here i am at home with my dear computer. the weekend will be a swirl of soccer games, birthday parties, picnics, and the ever present background noise of michael jackson singing "abc, 123, etc."--miles' new passion.

i really miss my old friends and the close connections i once had with them.

i wanna know what is wrong with me and why i can't jump into facebook and enjoy myself like everyone else. wouldn't i feel so much more connected and close with all the people i know? wouldn't all the distance (time, miles) between me and these wonderful folks from my past melt away? i just looked through facebook for a while like a super shy guest afraid to go in to a party. or perhaps a stalker. seems like facebook would be my dream come true, but for some reason i am afraid or unable to join in the fun.

i miss you far away guys, and i guess if i went on facebook and said just that i would be a huge dork.

jd

has anyone out there seen my camera?

yes, the blog has been lacking in visuals lately. i have misplaced my camera, which is pretty pathetic.

tonight after school and work we went to the potrero hill neighborhood house to check out a fundraiser for daniel webster school. there was a drum teacher from ( i think) ghana who was full of positivity, young with a huge smile, and had lots of kids up there playing drums with him on stage. there was west african food and drinks reminiscent of the baobab. after a good two hours of kids jumping off the stage, boys attempting to scale chain link fences, binocular spy action, attempts at adult conversation, babies with death wishes careening towards gaps in the balcony railing, and maya sipping innocently on my cocktail maya and i left. it was getting cold and windy, this weather ever-changing. rich and miles stayed a little while, and with most distractions gone, miles got into it and played african drums for a while.

i have been reading alice walker essays: we are the ones we have been waiting for, which i picked up at the library. she is pretty darn radical and i makes me feel a little lazy and guilty but it is hard to not agree with everything she writes. definitely felt some of what she writes about tonight--musicians and mamas working together to make money for schools, food and music for the people there. a little bit of america spending wisely, loving children. we did manage to make it through the evening without a single kid falling off the balcony or breaking an ankle jumping from the stage.

i hear a plane overhead, loud enough to be close by. guinea pigs skittering around their cage. a siren, of course. rich spooning the last of his chicken soup from a bowl. if i try hard i can stay peaceful this evening. maybe sleep the whole night through.

garden

garden update

what is going on in the garden? the potato tower has revived on its own. i have been trying to make little windbreaks out of branches from pruned shrubs. aphids are about. new almost impossibly thin leeks coming up. small lettuces growing under the floating row cover. the giant collard green plants are finally down to two after more than a solid year of production. they have shot up and bolted and i have been trimming the stems with little leaves and eating them. turnips and carrots are small and sweet. there are some purple onions and yummy leeks still happy in the dirt after almost a year. arugula ready to be harvested. some chard, lacinto kale, and brussel sprouts trying to beat the wind and hungry bugs. a few bush beans and two asparagus plants in a bed maya dumped a big packet of wildflower seeds into. the peach tree has tiny peaches and terrible peach leaf curl, the plum tree is looking good. birds seems to have eaten the little beginning blueberries. miles and i pretty much pruned the potato vine to death today and there is a huge pile of cuttings ready to be made into some sort of fort. on the deck is a pineapple guava not doing much, some peas climbing out of a plastic bag full of dirt, a lemon tree full of fragrant star-shaped white flowers and a tomato plant growing upside down out of a green plastic bag planter from walgreens.

yesterday's recipe:

saute in olive oil: 2 very small turnips with their greens, spicy bolted arugula, the big outside spinach leaves from two plants, one purple onion thinly sliced, thin stems/bolted tops from collard plants. add salt and eat with spinach pasta and parmesan cheese.

there is a lot going on with this shady windy spot and i make little lists of garden ideas. i have given up on the fantasy of chickens, but not forever. i sneak out back on the weekends and sometimes during the hectic weeknights until the voices start calling "mommYYY??" from the house. when i close my eyes after gardening my mind fills solid with images of green leaves and brown dirt. it might not be the wisest, most productive, or most beautiful garden in the world, or even on the block, but i love it.

passing

maya was a "typical peer" at an occupational therapist friend's play group for kids on the autism spectrum today. it was fun, if a bit chaotic. this was a bigger play group than i have seen and the kids like maya were vying for turns and attention while the kids with autism were mostly happy doing their own thing and needed to be reeled into turn-taking and attending to what everyone was supposed to be attending to. a lot like work, which i don't feel like i can write about on this blog with anything close to specifics.

after the playgroup we all went to another saturday soccer game game with the starr king shooting starrs down on the marina green. a lovely day with blue skies and white sailboats briskly moving on the green bay. i saw my kid passing to his teammates and the team making some goals that way. amazing! even a few months ago it was all about him getting the ball and getting it to the goal, alone. passing it to a teammate who scored and being happy about that? a big change.

not 100% sure what i am writing about here. just something about the distance between the kids with autism i know, many quite gifted, and seven-year-olds feeling such a part of a whole that they give up their chance to kick the ball into that net willingly, so their team can get it in. a huge distance, and not necessarily one that can and should be travelled by all. it is pretty sweet to see when they get there, though. and believe me, i am not a huge organized sports fan.

maybe i can apply some of these not quite so profound observations made as a soccer mom to my work as a therapist. or maybe the allergy medication i am taking is addling my brain.

see you

i woke up at 4:30 am this morning

went out tonight to meet a newish mom friend and have a drink in the mission.

walking up 24th 6:30. there's singing chen from miles'school. a party of wise worn out looking folks in front of AA. the sounds of a church band. a couple walking by reminiscing about the loss of so many taquerias. i meet a friend of a good friend who moved away--pet his massive dog and lament our friend being across the bay and talk about planning a get-together. my friend and i meet in front of philz and end up talking to a cool older woman about homeless shelters and government and just wanting people to feel like there is hope. all i can think is that while we are capitalists things will be screwed.

we go to the homestead and have a few drinks.

walking down 24th st 9:30. a crowd breaks into applause inside the little cool gallery by the skateboard shop. i smell fir bark, weed, urine, mexican food, a crowd of homeless guys and the smell of malt liquor. three happy dudes saying i haven't seen that little homey in so fucking long! a hip girl with long hair and glasses has a foul mouth, talking about friends and their love affairs, "she shit on his chest and it was a year after they were dating and"--she and her two male friends veer into the sushi bistro which is shockingly packed with hipsters, neon lights on in the window. waiting at the corner of potrero i recall the shooting at papa potrero's just months ago and feel a twinge of nerves as some drunk inside bellows about elvis presley. on my block younger neighbors are unloading bikes from a truck into a garage where i have seen the same paintings hanging for 13 years. i think about walking back and shaking hands, introducing myself, but have not had enough drinks.

at home our good old friend from delaware we moved out here with is over, finished mixing music with rich. the conversation quickly veers to the depressing topic of him being unable to afford an apartment with his girlfriend. thoughts turn automatically to fleeing, but where. our friends scattered everywhere.

every time i walk through the starr king open space i think how pretty it is, how much i love being there. is it the juxtaposition of that open area, the waving grass, rocks, sky, the bay across one hill and the houses all over the others? or just being in nature? maya found a dead butterfly this morning, and a ladybug this afternoon. she always picks and squeezes the pineapple weed to get the scent out.

maybe this is what holds us here, that juxtaposition we can feel almost every day, keeping things new.

lucky day, music

everyone was happy and peaceful this morning. after we dropped miles off maya and i stuck around the starr king cafeteria for an amazing jazz performance from the san francisco symphony. free! in my kid's school! the kids loved it. my daughter said she "wished she lived in her school" (with her family of course) and kissed me goodbye as she out on her silver clothespin ring a little friend gave her. soon i will go get kids and then off to music class and then a school meeting, but i have a half day off to make lentil soup and be alone, listening to herbie hancock on public radio and writing this little post. maybe even a minute to fold and put away laundry, and maybe even one to lie down with my eyes closed in the middle of the day. the sun is doing that illuminating thing it does when it breaks through big grey rain clouds. the scales feeling tipped toward not fleeing on this lucky day.

it has been a rainy weekend. lucky for us there was a lull for soccer, and two birthday parties to keep the kids occupied. here is a glamorous handbag maya and i made from a pair of jeans.

maya and i went to the new potrero hill branch library on friday, and while maya spent a loooonngg time in the spacious and lovely bathroom i actually got a chance to get some books for myself. the view from this library is amazing, i could move in. i just took a bath reading diane di prima's autobiography recollections of my life as a woman, taking care to keep the pages dry.

rich is down the hall recording some eerie atmospheric guitar sounds. i am blogging, my head filled with images from the weekend, my kids, my kids, my kids. i made banana bread and butternut squash soup. maya carrying a notebook around and scribbling things crouched in a corner with sunglasses on, being harriet the spy. miles working for hours at the long table to finish count dooku's ship. the soccer game with kids from all the strands at miles' school.

our friend's six month old quieted down and then fell asleep on my shoulder today it felt so good.

maybe tomorrow there will be time to garden. rain just keeps coming down. a dog is barking, barking, and downstairs someone is learning wii drums. we will find out more about school budgets soon. i can hear faint waves of traffic and smell the freesia we picked out back. maybe someday soon i will get it together to write beyond this blog again. right now these little bits and pieces are all i have in me to share.

ready for bed post

i hitched a ride with a friend of a friend to go to a theater at the university of san francisco and watch speaking in tongues, the documentary about immersion programs in san francisco. you should check it out. definitely a biased perspective, but a very positive and loving one. there was an 8th grade boy who gave me hope about my children still being wonderful in middle school. there was a dad who made me cry--see the film and you will know who i mean. some excellent chinese middle school hip hop dancers and a lot of shots of kids at miles' school, much smaller and i hate to say it cuter.

then my two teacher buddies and i went back to the mission for indian beer and pizza at zante's and traded parent and teaching stories.

at the afterschool program miles opted today to play on the baseball team with the little little kids. i'm talking preschoolers. i am not sure if he is an assistant coach or a ringer. part of me wondered why the heck he was not down the hill with his peers and classmates playing whiffle ball and spy games and who knows what else--doing what everyone else was doing. part of me loved it watching him play ball with a 4-5 ish year old boy, being just gentle enough, and i wish i had a video of maya swinging at the ball on the tee with a metal bat, a big black helmet rattling around on her head. no bb guns in sight today, though miles found some little plastic pellets on the ground. sun shining, kids hitting balls, kids flying kites, how can i be so scared of something bad happening here? our pizza and beer talk brought up some anxiety--my friend works at a school that just had a big shooting nearby, but what i say when we talk about safety is that no, i will not sacrifice my kid's safety as a trade for learning to be around people from different cultures, but what i can do, and am trying to do, is trust people who deserve trust. if the director of the afterschool program with bb guns tells me he knows the kids, and the families, and that it is safe, i can take a leap of faith and believe him. what else can we do and not go crazy?

break

the photo is maya and my shadows, together in the morning in the starr king open space after dropping off big brother
it was a sick spring break. not sick in the good way, just the sick way. despite the assorted germs we did get a good dose of science museums, some quality puttering around time, a day in sonoma with grandma j, and a journey to the always amazing point arena. we slept in the shack, listened to lots of music, used the outhouse, bathed in the bath house, walked in the wet woods, listened to more music, made paper dolls, cooked on the fire and the woodstove, looked at brian's cool collection of books with wierd photos, doted on the dog and cat, saw some stars, got very wet and muddy, and listened to more music. i found a big four leaf clover.

what we did not do while staying at brian's in point arena: drive anywhere, touch a computer, hold anyone's hand while crossing the street, hear any gun shots or sirens.

last night in our warm cozy beds, the usual fan/white noise blasting to block out the white noise of cars, trucks, buses, yelling people walking by, stereos, i could not help thinking of how in point arena we fell asleep just listening to the rain hitting the roof, music floating over from the dome, a few random laughs and dog barks in the night.

at brian's miles was reminded of guns a lot--there was a gun that shot little plastic balls about 10 feet, and an old non-working wooden gun hanging above a door. miles innocently almost shot himself in the face with the plastic pellet and needed lots of reminders not to point at anyone. he was also kind of a general nut, and seemed kind of lost, trying to figure out how to act and not quite getting it right a lot. trying to be a cool big kid, trying to be silly and funny like his little sister.

when it comes down to it, my big worries (two posts ago) about bb guns at the playground are mostly about my kid himself. of course there is the lurking fear that he would be hit by a bullet from a real gun, and there might be a slightly increased chance of that happening in the neighborhood of the latchkey program. that fear is real. but the freak out about bb guns is more--does my boy know how to make choices on his own that are safe and good? many adults don't, so how would he? there does not seem time enough to teach these things. i am afraid he doesn't get chances at school to make important choices.

i tried to tell him tonight how he could be cool and still his funny self. how he didn't have to act like his funny four year old sister for us to laugh. that he didn't have to be a cool guy like the big kids he sees after school. that he could be his own cool and funny guy. i tried to give an example of how he was a conductor at the music class we are taking. how he followed the directions and did a good job. how he made the kids smile but not bust up and go crazy. i think he got it, maybe. he was trying to understand.

hard to grow up, and hard to help! long ago for thousands of year it was just kids following the adults in their families around, or the big big kids who behaved like adults. now the kids are away from their families all day, in some nether world of kidness with not quite enough resources to guide them up. at least that is how it seems from my attached parent perspective.

right now it is time for long bath and then maybe, finally, some procrastinated work.

night night

xo

me

good influence

miles has been saving up his allowance. first for some star wars lego set, then for a long time it was a snake, then suddenly...a drum. he wanted one like his music teacher plays. so miles crammed about 4 months of allowance into his wallet, and we went to guitar center on van ness. a lot of fun, maya running around playing all the sets and me looking longingly at them, and my son walked out with his very own ( i think) djembe drum. we have been watching master drummers in africa online and my friend lauren of the brass liberation orchestra is going to come and give a lesson. maybe i will learn, too. i miss playing drums, hitting things,the rhythm. thank you mr. tracey, for your good influence.

old friends, bb guns, ballet

so, maybe i sugarcoat things here sometimes, but let me just write this down--i am not happy at all that there are a bunch of kids running around in my just turned seven year old boy's after school program with bb guns. i am imagining bad things going on with kids and teens playing with guns. no, no, no, i don't like this at all. so the kids are not exactly in the program but the parks and rec program is in a public space, a beautiful public space, but not so beautiful with the bb guns and kids with them not following rules real well. i am FREAKING out about this. we will see how things unfold.

what else? last night a and c and two wonderful old friends from back in delaware came over for dinner. we got fancy cheese, rich made chicken and dumplings, i made an arugula and citrus salad. there were juicy vodka drinks and mini cupcakes, a basketball game on the back deck, some cinderella role playing, many old photos to dig through, and maya face, foot and hand painted 75% of the adult guests. i then escaped at 8 and hopped in the car with our visitors. we walked around bernal hill in the dark, a perfect clear and cool night. lots and lots of nostalgia, paired with the bb gun freakout making me long for the simpler, well maybe not simpler, but those old days in delaware and philly--cueball and needlenose the dogs, bands in the basement, awesome shows at the khyber, no kids to worry about--without those kids we all had time to love each other a little more. it is hard to bond with new friends in the same way as old. most of the new friends we have know us in the context of parent. which is a good context, but sometimes you want to be with people who knew you when you were just, well, you.

today suling and the girl cousins and i headed south to the mountain view performing arts center for the ballet "sleeping beauty's wedding". umm.....yawn.....snore. oh, excuse me. i actually was pretty entertained during the show by maya's whispered comments "amazing!!", "that was so amazing!!" and the slightly pathetic "mommy, she is more beautiful than me." after the show the girls ran around in a clean sunny public plaza dancing and trying to boss us around. two men chit chatted with us and one mentioned that his favorite part of the show was when a ballerina was lifted up in the air and a child said "WHOA!", making the whole audience laugh. i was so proud, that was my girl maya being loud in the quiet theater.

anyway, flee the city thoughts creeping in, or at least flee the after school program which i have always thought was great except for that little safety factor. i want to trust the outside world to be good to my kid but it is very very hard. wish us luck figuring this one out.

balance?? denial??

this weekend rich was away and my mom came to visit. we packed the weekend. saturday morning we met at the exploratorium, home of some of the world's greatest toys, where we made instruments, recorded a radio show, played with sand and magnets and air and beach balls and metal waves, observed a decomposing rat, danced in front of rainbow lights, made a steam tornado, and more. afterwards we sat outside and watched young brides and grooms being photographed by the palace of fine arts, and saw a blue heron and a turtle in the water. we walked across the windy street to chrissy field and played in the sand, looked at sailboats on the bay and volleyball players and a ground squirrel. the next day we went to a fancy plant nursery and i listened to a presentation on vertical gardens while the kids made planters out of recycled plastic bottle cloth and paper. we ate out on 24th st at punjab and then miles and i played a little basketball (he beat me) while maya played with grandma josy. she departed, rich returned, and right before dinner i walked with maya to the skate park, enjoying the last of a beautiful day. someone had pooed in the play structure, maya spent her time petting little dogs, and i met a san francisco parents for public schools founder and heard about an alternative budget they are proposing to keep cuts away from the classrooms. she brought me right back to the reality of what is going on with education right now--the words people are using are "horrible", "ridiculous", "crisis".

so, science, music, nature, beauty they are all close around us and that is part of why we are here in this city. and close up to are the budget cuts and swelling classrooms and poo on the play structure.

talking to my mom late at night during the sleepover conversation came back to concern over the crazy economy and basic state of the world. she tries not to think about the future too much and concentrates on enjoying her life, which makes perfect sense. she has spent much of her life taking care of her kids and now helping with grandkids. she is teaching kids about nature up there in sonoma and singing in a choir and learning spanish. she is not freaking out about what the world will be like for her grandkids in 20 years because she does not want to feel bad. i am in a wierd state where i am thinking about the bigger world so much, how we should be socialists, vegetarians, walkers, you name it, thinking about how to make things better in the future for the kids. however, in my real life i am not doing many of these things. i am spending money on museums, succulents, eating chinese food in a restaurant when i could be giving my time and money to, well, lots of nobel causes.

seems like the worse things get in the outside world the quicker i feel off balance in my own. i am positively dizzy lately. right now i am going to put some strings up in the back yard for pea plants to climb. then get my kids and try to have some fun with them. it is hard to feel balanced without feeling denial, but this is something i am just going to have to work out.

miles first post

my mommy and daddy are cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i like my daddy because he plays basketball with me.

i like my mommy because she plays power miners with me.

cheap pink camera and a little good news

we have all been having fun with maya's cheap pink camera. here is something arty, and something ridiculous.today was again sunny and perfect, reminding me of one of the reason's i live in this effed state. all week we have been eating arugula, collard greens, and some carrots from the garden. i am trying to work on some wind blocks, and it is not the explosion of produce we experienced in the summer back east, but it is nice to have food growing in the backyard all year long. maya and i sat in the open space for a long time after dropping miles off at school, finding ladybugs, meeting small dogs and their owners, and deep listening to birds all around.

and good news, the pta at miles school scrambled over the past month and together we donated $40, 000 in 3 weeks to try and fund an additional teacher next year, since things are looking so grim for next year with 16 teachers. so things still look quite grim, but it is great to know that people will dig deep when they need to. we will be doing more of that soon i am sure.

it is hard to get kids to bed when it is sunny so late. daddy rich is away up north playing music in a wooden dome. my children are winding down from a crazy after soccer playdate which involved a bunch of kids eating popsicles and then taking off their shirts and wrestling in the sand. grandma is coming tomorrow. i hear wind kicking up and people laughing and someone learning how to play drums. time for two stories and then maybe a long hot bath with a little pear cider and a new yorker.

goodnight.

milesssss is sssseven

look at that happy kid. i spent much too much time obsessing about miles' birthday again but it was worth it. scouring the internet for the right basketball shoes and lego set. finding the perfect recipe for a cake shaped like a snake. making sure there were the correct juicy kid's afternoon birthday party drinks to keep the adults happy. creating a snake craft activity which no one looked at. putting together a snake treasure hunt which concluded with the extra-special event, rich's co-worker's two ball pythons who came to visit. renting air bud at le video. the party went well and concluded as several have, with our oldest and closest friends' kids dancing around in their underwear with miles and maya.

does it make sense to worry so much about things being perfect for your kid on his birthday? maybe i worry so much because the rest of life seems kind of hard. parents both working, this tough urban environment, a school day mostly in a foreign language. maybe i worry because miles has trained us well...when he is disappointed he sure lets us know. or maybe i just really want my kid to be happy on his birthday.

i am a little depressed lately about the way scarcity of resources in the schools is dividing people and also taking away from the kids' childhood. miles looks longingly at photos and videos on maya's preschool blog and wishes he could return to preschool. for 1100/month she gets art projects, tons of nurturing, visiting animals, time to run, dig, build, act, hear stories, swing, splash, ballet dancing in the loft, cooking, making forts and more. deep down i agree with miles, and wish there was enough money for kids so that even with they are great big old kids like first grade miles they could live and learn the way his little sister gets to. like kids should.

ninja hip

on the way home from school today miles pulled out this piece of paper. on the side he wanted to show me was a "ninja hip". i guess hip is hippie, and hippie obviously means rock music, man. if you look closely you can see how the ninja's swords were erased, and then replaced with guitars. there are two plants in the foreground which are also holding guitars. miles is feeling a powerful love vibe, dude, good for him! must be all the marching and talk about schools needing money more than wars needing money.
on the reverse were some chinese characters, pathetically not a one of which i know. miles rattled them off as we walked down our oddly starting to hail block and then we were inspired to stop at lily's drycleaning shop (i have posted about lily before, our amazing tiny chinese senior citizen neighbor who survived a very violent assault in her little shop a few years ago and is back and perky as ever). i know miles was hoping for a treat as he read all the characters to lily, and maya sure was (she was actually looking around the little store and behind the dry-cleaned clothes for a box of cookies or stuffed animal, both of which she has scored in the past), but all he got were about 10 hugs, big squeezes, huge smiles and multiple suggestions to go home and read the characters to his daddy who would be happy he knew how to read so much. when we left miles mentioned how lily might have a treat next time, or the next time.

so, we will keep trying to be nice and communicate with our neighbors, and get treats sometimes and not others. it's all good.

peace out

p.s. oops, the characters are upside down

march 4 day of action

here are a few photos from the day of action march for education. a BIG group of parents, school staff and kids marched down potrero hill to 24th and mission, waving signs and chanting, kids chit-chatting about webkins and darth vader. we got honks, waves and smiles from sf general nurses, store owners and walkers, huge grinning enthusiasm from a woman drinking out of a brown paper bag, and car-blocking and loud honking form ms. evangeline. as we reached 24th and mission our little group became hundreds, people stretched out mission street as far as we could see. there were kids in strollers, kids chanting in spanish, crazy skeletons and giant marching paper mache puppets from sf state. we saw our friends from leonard flynn, buena vista, fairmount. mr. tracey played his drum, lots of union-led chanting, and the kids were amazing troopers--miles walked all the way to the civic center. my favorite sign said "I Can't Believe We Are Still Protesting This Crap".

there were thousands of people at civic center and a somehow upbeat mood. are we all just in denial as our society is starting to collapse? is there any money or any way things are going to get better? lots of signs about taxing the rich and corporations, educate not incarcerate, and children are the future. it all makes sense but can grassroots efforts like this change anything? people seem so excited and hopeful. lots of talk about repealing the 2/3 majority. we will see. my friend told me about a teacher at school of the arts who told her teenage students not to go to the march because it was a waste of time. is it ok to teach kids to be cynical and passive? i don't think so.

i guess part of me is still very hopeful about the future, but i think a lot of things will be rough for a while. in our little world there is a lot of love for the kids. i marched so long my feet hurt and i had to take a bath with my "tired old a*& soak and take some advil.

messed up as this all is i am glad to be here right now.

maya's art, rock photo by our budding photographer

this weekend flew by. i took miles out saturday night to watch the chinese new year parade. it was exciting to be down there surrounded by stone mountains of buildings, kids huddled together on the curb eating sugar while dragons and fan dancers and tigers and firecrackers went by. on the way home we saw some awful graffiti on the bus which miles read out loud very accurately, and i listened to a very deep conversation between some intense young religious freaks (nod to TWB, there). today we ventured south to brisbane, for the silverpalooza, a fundraiser for a preschool in a bar, with limbo, cakewalks, face painting, giant hot dogs, bloody marys, a make your own guitar booth, and cheetahs on the moon, an awesome band all dressed like cheetahs. i was proud of the kids as miles shot movies and psychadelic stills of the band and maya expressed her inner self by dancing in her very unique way through the entire set.


maya drew a clown and a little dog standing on a horse,

i was lucky to spend a little time talking to my friend in illinois, and the kids went to bed early.

i case i don't write again, there is a big march to raise awareness of the disastrous budget cuts in the schools. march 4, look for it in the news, i will be there with miles' school. the teachers are walking out an hour early and we are heading to civic center. i have never been much for marches, but right now it seems like the thing to do. tell your friends--think about what is going on with the state and education funding and do what you can to help. i will be a broken record about this for a while.

time to try and plan another birthday party. all this growing up the kids are doing, it is tiring me out.

catch-up post

it has been a long time, i know. this is a photo of the infrequently seen underside of the bay bridge, taken from the peaceful and comfortable oakland-alameda ferry. yes, i have been avoiding this bridge lately. i will say no more.

what has been happening?

trip to the snow:

sledding, sledding, and more sledding, check

maya and natalie bickering over an extra-special snowball, check

big brother accidentally smashing an iceball in little sister's face, check

snowman and snow unicorn, check

amusing crowd of non-drinkers plowing through free hard liquor during the manager's special at the embassy suites, check

insane hotel pool scene with 10 children per adult, many near head injuries, check

much lamenting when we had to leave early because of incoming snowstorm, check

fun last frolic in the fresh snow on the side of the road as rich crawled in the muddy slush trying to put chains on our tiny car for 45 minutes, check

sign half mile later telling us to remove the chains, oops

what else? insane budget cuts to the san francisco schools which many people still seem unaware of. miles and i will be marching to city hall next week! what do we want? money! when do we want it? now!

rich is now 42. chocolate brownies with icing, homeade kid cards and a crazy expensive long awaited new computer.

the garden is getting going. blossoms on the peach and plum trees, lots of little seedlings starting on the deck, and a few attempts to build some wind blocks. we will see what happens this season. maybe we need an all carrot and onion garden, but i will keep trying to grow some greens.

basketball games. snake books all over the place. miles read his first chapter book. kids coughing, coughing, coughing, coughing. maya becoming a very equal opportunity player at her new preschool (boys and girls with a reduction in princess obsession). she even has a freckled and red-haired little boyfriend she plans to marry. phobia therapy which seems to be making things worse. my growing awareness of the inequities in sfusd special education and the people and processes that create them.

and a weird hopeful feeling about the future, i guess it is the arrival of spring.

california cousins

my little brother is 40 years old! just returned from the birthday party. miles and rich were in the hospital clinic because miles woke up sick with gooey eyes, so it was just me and maya over to uncle mike's. surprise. then people began to trickle in, our old bandmates, julia and family from back in delaware, rebecca and emily, mike's old roomates from new orleans and ucsf and their offspring. one, two, three...9 kids taking over the living room dance party, maya shaking her booty in her cousin's yellow dress on the coffee table, then calvin with his pants down, emily being a nine year old ukelele rocker. there's maya being examined by edison the doctor, russell staggering around in his sister's tiara, mike making the same drunk joke to his friends "let me show you my big deck" as he escorts them outside. i am confiding with old friends about phobia therapy and the trials of motherhood. chris is single again and wearing glasses he says makes him look fragile and vulnerable and kim f makes an offensive joke and we stay too late surrounded by mounds of lasagna, sausage and garlic bread from lucca, crappy george thoroughgood on the stereo.

on the way home down 24th street, full of a huge number of people just walking around, tipsy grownups pushing each other on swings in the water park in the dark,people buying drinks and donuts and laughing at each other, maya has her first realization of growing up, and gets a little sad. "i don't want to be an old woman" she says with tears in her voice and i know how she feels but we talk it out. she says daddy will be her brother when she grows up and is surprised to hear that she and miles will grow up together. just like me and uncle mike.

lately all the california budget craziness and fears of being on bridges and tunnels and cliffs in earthquake country have been getting to me, making me imagine living in a quiet flat place with no earthquakes, a slow mellow land somewhere, but tonight it felt very right to be here, to have my kids growing up with their cousins, me getting to watch my brother's and some old friends' kids growing up, being just a drive across town from my little brother's 40th birthday party.

random street images

whew. party weekend baby. friday night i took the kids to our friend's beautiful potrero hill home for a dinner with 9 starr king adults, 12 starr king kids, an amazing view of the city, margaritas, not 100% school talk, and at one point 12 children sitting and eating nicely at a huge oval wooden table.

yesterday was beautiful sun and blue skies. i pruned and weeded in the garden, and the kids even spent a little time out there with me, finding snails and making little snail climbing structures out of tiny sticks. last night m and m slept over at their aunt and uncle's, not at all sad to see their mother leave. miles reminded his uncle to spoil him rotton (he did) and maya came home with painted toenails and natalie's clothes on. alone, out at night, i stopped at a hair salon i had never heard of and had a haircut in a salon for the first time in 6+ years, discussing the public schools the whole time with my chinese hairdesser, lisa (lisa's on church near clipper, she did a good job). then in a blast from the past i got in a van with rich's band and various girlfriends and spouses, some beer and tequila and lots of dumb dumb jokes. we spent the night at slim's watching successively better cover bands raise money for doctors without borders. i did my part for the cause spending lots of money on jameson and cokes, and did some i love you guys bonding with several people including a few i had never met before. at one point i emerged from the downstairs backstage area to see a bouncer removing rich from the stage where an iron maiden cover band was playing but as they say out here it was all good. there was a robert palmer cover band in suits that made me feel strangely ecstatic and the night was capped off by a guy rich had met long long ago in new jersey buying our crew about 10 shots of a foul tasting liquor to celebrate meeting up again and the fact that we were both from new brunswick new jersey.

this morning was, as rich put it, odd, very odd. the house quiet, no one waking me up, asking me for anything, needing discipline and guidance. very nice. very... different, but soon i wanted to see my babies again.

i am much too old to do this often, but i think a weekend like this one does clear out the mind for new thoughts. my brother mentioned an old friend who has become very green and lives in a modern-day type commune now in oregon. i am very intrigued by the path she has chosen and of course it set me wondering what that life would be like. less distractions i think. less bridges and highways and cars.

here are some photos from 24th street last weekend. some ads and some from the empty store fronts for art project. they are shots from the path i am presently on.